Hey-o, and welcome to my Lil' World of Weirdness!!

I state for the record that I don't own Gundam Wing, or the wonderful characters that will be gracing this story. . . I do however lay claim to Ensign Saratone *again*, and I use him here purely as a replacement for your average Nameless OZ Minion. Hm,usual warnings . . . but it's not like anyone reads this bit up here anyway so . . .

Oh, and timeline . . . uh, yeah, WHAT timeline?! Both the Eypon and Tallgeese is still in service, and Zechs flies both of them regularly . . . okay? I know, I know . . . it doesn't follow cannon . . . but when the HELL have any of my stories ever followed cannon?!

Okay, that's the legal stuff out the way!!

//Thinking//

"Speaking"

*Stress/Emphasis*

~*~

**Gundammit!!**

By Doctor Megalomania

Chapter 16: A Life Less Ordinary

[Blushes] You know I just noticed, in my weirdness fest last chapter I forgot to address Q.o.V's challenge!! Gomen nasai!! Will attempt them in this chapter!! [other notes] It should be noted I was forced to watch Bataan in Film Studies today. . . I don't care if it is a classic, and I don't care if it's the most shining example of the War film genre in America . . . I HATE WAR MOVIES!! [clears throat] so, it should be noted . . . another bad mood, another weird chapter of Gundammit . . . I think I can end it either in the next chapter or the one after, so . . . uh, yeah, thanks for putting up with me so far. . .

"Ahem."

Duo glanced up at the not-so-subtle-attention-seeking cough. "Huh?" He blinked, and put down his screwdriver, "Shinigami? Was that you?"

"Yes. I wish to converse with you now."

"Can it wait, buddy? I'm just –" all the power, except for the life support and the communications panel, shut down leaving Duo in almost pitch black. Duo sighed and sat back in his chair, "I guess not . . ." he looked up at the glowing comm. panel, and nodded, "I'm listening, buddy."

"I wish to return to the base, and collect Wing Gundam."

"Wing? Why?"

"I . . ." Deathscythe fell quiet for a bit before resuming his sentence, "I feel that all is not as it should be. I have memories that do not correlate with my present state of mind."

"You can remember before the scientists messed with you the second time?"

"I believe so." Deathscythe fell silent again, "I. . . wish to know what Wing's coordinates are, I wish to discuss this situation with him."

"Why?" Duo ventured, sincerely curious about this change of heart in his Gundam. Deathscythe was silent for a few moments longer, before he answered softly, "I remember confessing . . . love . . . for him. . . and I find myself now. . . missing him."

Duo sank down in his chair, "You know. . . there are few people in this world that I'd brave that Peacecrap Woman's presence for." He reached out and patted Deathscythe as the massive Gundam came back online, "You're one of them, buddy, just remember that when she's ripping it out of me. . ."

A little later . . .

"Well, you might as well take us too. . ."

"YOU WHAT?!"

"We've had a long enough break. . ." Professor G smiled, "it's time to go back and fix the Gundams!!"

Duo rolled his eyes, "don't tell me you've had an even more better idea. . ."

"Why, Duo, my boy! How well you've gotten to know us!!" Doctor J wrapped his claw arm around Duo's shoulders and proclaimed happily, "we really should invest in some bonding time like this more often!!"

Duo clapped his hand over his eyes, and sighed, "at least tell me you're going to put some pants on right?" Master O picked up his suitcase, and shrugged his other arm into his lab coat. "Nah!" He said smugly, "we've discovered that we can think more freely when our lower extremities are—"

The longhaired American held up a hand to silence the tall scientist.

"No. . ." He pointed angrily at the five grinning scientists, "We are not even going to **GO** there."

Suddenly, without warning, Deathscythe shuddered as the five scientists approached . . . it was one of those all over, full body shudders, the kind that had the superstitious types proclaiming that someone was walking over their grave . . . the kind that made you jerk for no apparent reason and had people look at you as if you were funny in the head . . . that special kind of shudder that unfailing always made you jerk when you were putting the finishing pair of cards to your twelve-level high house of cards. . . that kind of shudder which waited until you were carrying that tray of priceless champagne glasses which incidentally were filled with the most expensive champagne that money could buy at your parents' Christmas do which had their bosses around, and the bosses' overtly gossipy wives, and it happened to strike just when the deal was being sealed, the promotion was being discussed, and the boss' wife's brand new seriously expensive, tediously delicate, unswervingly fashionable, one of a kind, M. R. D. brand dress had just been noticed . . .  

Oh yeah.

You know what I mean.

THAT kind of shudder.

Professor G's eyes bulged as Deathscythe stilled from his shudder, "What was that? Some kind of spasm?!"

"I don't know!!" Duo shook his head, he raised his radio to his mouth and called down the line, concern wracking his heart, "Buddy? Speak to me, are you okay?!"

There was a pause before Deathscythe coolly replied.

"The Scientists do not touch this Gundam without the appropriate underwear on. There will be no discussion about this matter . . . the scientists will don appropriate protective clothing." The Gundam raised its huge arms, and folded them as it glared down at them imperiously; "I repeat . . . No Scientist will board without underpants on."

Duo snickered, and turned, folding his arms in the same way as his Gundam as he raised his chin defiantly, "now see. . . you better do what the buddy tells ya to do. . ." he raised an imperious eyebrow, "I will only boot you where the sun don't shine. . . buddy here?" Duo grinned menacingly, a slow devious grin, "buddy here will blow you to the middle of next week, and then when next week comes he'll bomb you all the way back to the stone age. . ." Duo leant forward, "so what do you say?"

The scientists blinked, looked at each other, and then looked all the way up at the glowering Deathscythe.

"Erm . . . we need to go shopping?"

MEANWHILE . . .

Heavyarms turned slowly.

Since all the Leos and Aries had been taken away, and Deathscythe had left there had been no source of good entertainment. "Injustice. . ." he grumbled to himself. Nataku was off meditating, and Sandrock . . . the huge orange Gundam stopped in his turning and looked over at the black and white Gundam . . . Sandrock was planning again. Which was a lot like Nataku's meditation, only it involve a lot more frowning and a little less contortionism . . .

Sandrock was a quiet Gundam, Heavyarms' pilot's personality program had seen to that . . . although. . . Heavyarms let out a small sigh. A tiny little sigh because anything louder would have been dishonourable. He shook his head, Heavyarms was sure he didn't used to think like this . . . he was sure he used to care a lot more about other things than justice and honour . . .

Like. . .

Okay, so he was struggling to think of things that he used to care about more than justice and honour . . . he closed his eyes and thought really hard, trying to get past the layer of thinking that started with justice and honour. . . deep within . . . deeper than the caramel goodness of triple layered chocolate . . .  past the layer of that stuff they make cute little dolls out of – because as everyone knows, it's always the sickeningly cute little doll that survives all the fires, all the airplane crashes, all the terrible disasters - that protected the Gundams . . . Heavyarms found something he cared deeply for. . .

Honour and justi—

Heavyarms' eyes lit up in complete and utter irritation.

"Gundammit!" He muttered darkly, he meant Sandrock . . . there was once a time when they made hot robot love in the desert, and made out like really big, Gundam teenagers behind the big tent of Trowa's circus, Gundamnit!! He was sure of it!

He looked at Sandrock again, and found the black and white Gundam staring at him. The Gundam blinked slowly, before standing and walking over.

"Heavyarms . . ." Sandrock began, "We need to . . . talk. . ."

Now.

There was only one problem with this scenario . . . the problem was, both Gundams were programmed with Wufei and Trowa for their personalities. . . can anyone else see the problem with this?! I mean, can you imagine the scenario, one's a freaking mute who thinks really, really, really complicated things, then says them and goes on and on and on. . . even when his mobile suit blows up, and even then carries on until he passes out and the other has only six words in his vocabulary, each of which are punctuated by shakes of fists, very tight hairdos and disturbingly billowy pants/flares/pillow cases. . .

"Honour."

". . ."

"Dishonour?"

". . ."

"Justice!"

". . ."

"Injustice!!"

". . ."

"Maxwell!!"

". . ."

"TREIZE!!"

". . . Quatre, I know your father has just been blown to a thousand pieces but you crying. . . then laughing like a lunatic, then building the most destructive Gundam known to man – except to Treize, who ALWAYS has to do one better – then you going off to blow stuff like colonies and people up like there's no tomorrow really isn't helping the situation so why not take a break, have a kitkat, kick back and watch some pro-wrestling on the cable channels, then go out and drown your sorrow in beer, and then you can turn back to that unfailingly nice, polite guy you were before you sister and your father were brutally killed mercilessly in front of you, and your whole life was torn to shreds, because you know why? I'm just going to kept talking, because I haven't had a chance to talk for ages, and since I'm about to die I might as well get in my quota of words for the last few episodes. . . and I want decent last words before I get amnesia from being exposed to space. . . mind you, how in the hell does that work? I mean, you'd think exposed to space would cause some more side effects than simple amnesia, oh, I don't know like, erm . . . blood vessels exploding, and my body imploding, but hey, I think I've said enough . . . and I leave you with my last words . . . FEEL THE POWER OF MY NAVEL!!"

Can you see where I'm going with this?

. . . No?

Okay, let's put it simply. . .

THREE HOURS LATER . . .

"I . . ."

Heavyarms blinked as Sandrock finished speaking. He'd not understood half of what Sandrock had been saying, but that was mostly due to the shock of hearing the quiet Gundam speak in such eloquent terms for such a long time. Heavyarms shook himself out of his stupor, "Sandrock. . . I . . . I think I . . . I think I feel the same. . ."

Sandrock looked at him, and nodded, "Good. . ." he murmured, "Heavyarms. . . I'm not sure I have words enough to express what I think I should feel, but . . ."

Heavyarms stood, and helped Sandrock to his feet. . . revealing that the two had been sitting on what looked like what was once a 3D tank which was now very, very 2D. . . anyway, Heavyarms looked at Sandrock closely, trying to detect any signs of emotion, but that was very hard because Gundams don't have any facial features to corralate into any sort of expression but. . . I've forgotten where I was going with this . . . anyway, suffice to say, that both Gundams were confused as to what they were going to do, how could they possibly get past their personality barriers to get together and live out their . . . admittedly weird lives in a happy ever after scenario minus the many kids, and the killing of the evil witch . . .

Oh, wait a minute. . . we WANT Relena dead, don't we?

The answers to the questions that were being raised at New Barley Base were in the form of five very old men, who were wearing coffee stained lab coats, and grass skirts. . . and very little else in terms of undergarments . . . who were currently strapped tightly Deathscythe's legs on the condition that Howard would chemically disinfect, fire-sterilise, re-galvanise, re-paint and re-polish the parts, and the three meter radius surrounding the parts where the Gundam scientists were currently strapped to tightly. . . their bare asses naturally facing away from the metal even though it provided an even more gruesome thought. . . but there are telepathic children under the age of thirteen who are currently being trained by OZ as a counter measure to the already super trained Gundam pilots reading this so I won't go into too much detail . . . suffice to say, Duo was breaking the sound barrier, going for the light barrier to get back to the base as soon as possible so he could at least hose down Deathscythe's legs . . .

Duo sighed as he came into the radar sensor range of the base. He'd have to face Relena again . . . but he was doing it for a good cause . . . Deathscythe wanted to see Wing, the Scientists were—okay, so the Scientists could never be classed as a good cause, ever . . . not in coffee stained lab coats and grass skirts, but Duo was returning for the sake of his Gundam. . .

He'd ran, and he'd hid, but Duo Maxwell never lied when he said he cared about his Gundam. . . even though said Gundam was Heero's clone in terms of personality. . .

"Ahem."

Duo blinked and looked up, "Yeah buddy?"

"It occurs to me that you are reluctant to face Relena Peacecrap. . ."

"You think?"

"Yes, I do." Duo shook his head at Deathscythe's deadpan, the Gundam continued, "I believe you must attempt to secure a victory over her."

"How do I do that?" Duo shook his head, "She's pretty, she's powerful, and she is the Peace . . . crap. I've got nothing on her . . ."

"You have me."

Duo blinked and looked up at the admission, "Pardon me?"

"Duo Maxwell, you have me. . ." Deathscythe's voice turned a little gruff, as he spoke quietly, "I will stand by you, I can see that you are a competent solider in this war . . . you may deal with the tension differently from the others but I have spent enough time with you to realise that this is your nature . . ." The long haired pilot's mouth fell open as Deathscythe noted, "Peacecrap cannot possibly ever understand you, you are unique, you are a better pilot than any of the others, this has been proven time and time in battle." Deathscythe paused for a moment, before he continued warmly, "You are my . . . best human friend. . ."

Finding his mouth suddenly dry, the pilot swallowed, "Buddy . . ."

"I say this only one time." Deathscythe's voice grew cold again, "Because you will not need to hear it again, Duo Maxwell, even when that Peacecrap woman tells you that you are nothing. . . remember that I know, and that you know different. . ."

"Buddy. . ." Duo closed his eyes and smiled, "That's. . . Gee, you're embarrassing me. . ."

"Duo . . ." Shinigami paused, before continuing, "I do not believe that I am the only one who feels a deeper emotion for you . . . the Gundam paused, some of this comes from the personality that I am laden with. . ."

"Heero?" Duo blinked with surprise, he breathed in, and held his breath for a moment, "Buddy. . . Heero would rather shoot me before he'd—"

"This unit responds to the pilot as the original personality would."

"But—"

"Time to base, three hours. . . forty five minutes. . ."

Duo sank back in his seat a little, and looked around. Deathscythe had most certainly stopped the conversation, but couldn't stop the questions swirling in his mind, Deathscythe suggested that he only responded as Heero would . . . but that would mean. . . Heero felt something for Duo. . .

"Yeah right . . ." Duo huffed, "And Heero will start to consider anger management courses too, just so he can work on a relationship with me . . ."

//Hmm . . . Anger Management . . . //

Heero stared out the window to the horizon; Duo and his Gundam had been spotted on the radar, heading back at almost light speed. He sighed and turned away to look at the group of people behind him as they too watched the horizon with some anticipation, //maybe . . .// Heero thought hesitantly to himself, //maybe I should consider anger management courses . . . it would benefit my attempts to build a relationship with Duo. . .//

Relena looked most definitely non-plussed by the idea that duo was returning.

She was in fact very non-plussed by this fact. She almost was seething with irritation, that pretty boy was returning no doubt to steal her boyfriend! Even if Heero didn't notice, and even if duo tried to keep it hidden, Relena could see that Duo was very much attracted to Heero in that icky boy-loving-another-boy . . . like she could see that Trowa and Quatre did. It had taken a while for her to realise it, but the way Trowa and Quatre were hold each other was most certainly not in the old comrade style. She sighed, and she'd said such nice things about them too . . . she shook her head and prayed that they didn't give Heero their gay-ness too. . . maybe she should try and cure them, like take them hunting. . . or to a steel works, maybe seeing real men in action would cure them of their gay-ness. . .

While Relena thought such . . . deep and meaningful . . . deep and meaningful . . . deep and meaningful thhhhpp . . . meaningful thhhh-oooorrr . . . meaningful thhhhhoooorrr . . . Nope. I can't do it. I can't bring myself to type 'Relena', 'deep and meaningful', and 'thoughts' in the same sentence . . . ahem, while Relena was thhhhhiiiinnnn . . . nope, can't type that either . . . erm, oh, I know . . . while Relena was using the space in her head for what it was supposed to be used for . . .

Quatre glanced over at Relena, she looked a little ill and as if she was about to faint.

"She's thinking again . . ." Quatre blinked as Trowa's voice whispered into his ear. The blonde tried hard not to squeak with laughter, "Trowa!"

"What?" Trowa folded his arms and pointed at her, "It's true . . . can't you see the steam coming out of her ears?"

Quatre snickered as Wufei leant over and murmured, "I thought I could smell smoke. . ."

Meanwhile . . . I mean, on the other side of the table . . .

"Don't you think it makes me look all . . ." Zechs leant forward, and grinned, "Roguish and not unlike a pirate?"

Noin folded her arms, and raised an eyebrow, "No. . ." She shook her head as she took in Zechs' appearance. "I think it makes you look like an idiot who poked his eye and now has to wear an eye patch. . . which, by the way . . ." She leant forward and pulled at the strap holding the black patch on, she rolled her eyes, "You're meant to wear it over the eye. . . not on the outside of your helmet. . ."

"But I wanna look like a pirate!" Zechs protested, he righted the strap again, "I can't look like a real pirate if I wear it under my helmet. . ."

"Now see," Une leant over and sighed, "This is the part where I would say why not take off your helmet but you'll just say—"

"And dazzle everyone with my undeniable beauty?" Zechs grinned, as he sat back and folded his arms, "I just can't take that risk, for the benefit of all the women of OZ I just can't risk distracting them with my good looks. . ."

Lady Une nodded, "Right and then Treize says. . ."

"Besides. . ." Treize smiled widely, "Isn't enough that I distract them already. . .?"

Noin and Une sighed heavily, as Treize and Zechs leant toward each other and looped their arms around their shoulders. "Ahh . . ." Treize sighed, "We're so pretty. . ."

"And we stand there and do it so well. . ." Zechs murmured back reverently, he held up his thumb, "We're so good!"

"If you are quite finished. . ." Lady Une stood, "The Gundam is coming into sensory range. . . prepare all the laser cannons, hail the Balji, we're frying Death tonight—"

"Ahem."

Lady Une and blinked as she stared down the barrels of four drawn guns. "Ah. Yes. I forgot we had company." She glanced over at "Ensign Saratone, cancel the last order. . ."

Saratone nodded, and carried out his orders before he turned in his chair and gazed longingly at Marvin the engineer, since Saratone had dropped him, Marvin was refusing to speak to his OZ lover. Awwww . . . poor Saratone. . . he turned back to his controls and glumly pressed a few buttons before sighing dolefully. He reminded me that he was not unlike a little puppy, a little Andrex puppy who had been booted up the arse and had had all his Andrex Toilet Tissue stolen from him by evil killer monkeys hell bent on dominating the Toilet Tissue Industry with their evil brand of cheap, tacky, nasty Toilet Tissue which they'd force poor, underfed, little evil killer monkeys to make for them in massive factories . . . and once again, I forget where I was going with that . . . but that's okay because by now Duo was landing at New Barley Base.

"Well. . . here goes. . ."

Duo sighed as he climbed down from Deathscythe. He turned and saw a car come screeching to a halt and his friends climbed out. "Maxwell!!" Wufei sprinted over first, "Where have you been you, Baka?!"

"Why?" Duo rolled his eyes, "Surely you haven't missed little old me. . ."

"Duo!" Quatre slowed to halt, "We did miss you!" He ran forward, and grabbed Duo's hands, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Quatre. . ." Duo smiled, "It's okay, I just needed to get away for a while. . ." He motioned the legs of his Gundam, "Guess who I found. . ."

The scientists waved from their position, their coffee stained lab coats and grass skirts blowing in the air.

To those on the ground, the very sight of those old men and their wrinkly butts made grown men cry out and Trowa to slap Duo upside the head as Quatre fainted, Wufei gagged, and Heero's beautiful eyes crossed.

"You know. . ." Doctor J called over to Professor G, "I think I might have just found a powerful new weapon. . ."

----------------------------

And Now It's Time to LEAVE IT TO DOCTOR MEGALOMANIA!!!
DrM: [grins] okay, what do you get if you get a Evil Overlord, lots of sugary soft drinks, some bad news in the form of her landlord's refusing to renew her contract, a sudden desire to resurrect a favourite original character, an addiction to a website [www.homestarrunner.com by the way] an overload of anime [i.e. Gundam Wing, Cardcaptor Sakura and Fruits Basket], a slave driver of a muse called Brian, and an overworked, underpaid computer called Dudley?

Wing: the last few chapters of Gundammit?

DrM: [grins even wider] BINGO!!

Wing: oh for the love of sanity . . .

[sudden thunderous applase as Special Guest Stars walk in]

Yue: [deadpan to Wing] welcome to my world . . . you think this is bad, wait until she's done countless fics all about you and how your hair got to be the way it is . . .

Hei-ying: [waves] hello. . . guess what . . . [motions readers who read 'In This Tainted Soul' forward] there's going to be another story in the Tainted Soul series . . . [looks around before grinning and whispering] I'm Baaaaaaack!!

DrM: [pushed Hei-ying and Yue back to their fics] Shush!! That's going to happen next week if bluegoo approves the first few chapters. . . [grins] well, I'm off to drink some more fizzy drinks. . . Please R&R!!!