Evangeline and Minerva McGonagall walked slowly down the stairs together heading for the Great Hall. Evangeline still felt a bit disconnected from reality. How could she tell Severus? What would he say? Would he be happy? Shocked? Angry?
What happens if I lose him and have to raise the baby alone? What happens if Voldemort gets his hands on Severus…or me…or, oh my god…the baby! What if the baby inherits my abilities!? Evangeline's chaotic thoughts swarmed through her brain like winged insects, moving too fast for her to grasp. Trying to focus on them caused her to almost miss a step.
As she faltered, Minerva grabbed her arm to steady her. "Evangeline! Are you okay? Should we go back up to the hospital wing?"
Evangeline paused and looked at her friend with an expression of horror on her face. "I was just thinking, what if the baby inherits my abilities? Voldemort could try to hurt it, or use it! He might feel that the baby could be raised to aid him if I refuse…Oh, Minerva!"
Understanding her concerns, but not wanting her to get more upset, McGonagall reverted to teacher mode, and gave her a stern look. "Evangeline, stop this. Everything will be all right. You've got to get a hold of yourself. You're allowing your fears to run away with you."
Evangeline took a deep shivery breath and nodded. "You're right. I'm not being sensible. One step at a time."
Together they entered the Great Hall and saw Snape talking to Lupin at the head table. Evangeline felt a stab of uncertainty as she looked at him. "Minerva, how do I tell him?"
McGonagall patted her arm. "You just tell him, Evangeline. Take my advice, dear, and be sure he's sitting down. You might want to find somewhere more private, too."
The worried woman nodded automatically. That was probably good advice. Disasters are easier to deal with in private, after all, and she was suddenly afraid she was heading for a big one. "You're right. This isn't something to hit him with in public."
As they neared the head table, Snape looked up and smiled at Evangeline. The smile froze on his face as he saw her expression. Abruptly he got up from the table and came down to meet her.
"Evangeline, what's the matter?" He looked at her worriedly. She just stared at him, totally unsure of how to proceed.
Hoping for better luck elsewhere, he turned to McGonagall with a frown and demanded, "Minerva, what's the matter with her? What happened this morning that I don't know about? Was there a problem in Hogsmeade after all?"
McGonagall smiled reassuringly at him. " No. Everything went fine in town. It's all right, Severus. It's not bad news. At least, I hope you don't think it is. However, Evangeline does have news to tell you…in private. Why don't the two of you go talk in the small parlor off the Hall?" Snape frowned in confusion, then turned back to Evangeline.
His concern increased as he looked at her; she seemed so dazed and afraid. What could do this to her? He touched her arm gently. "Evangeline? Please, what's wrong?"
Evangeline shook herself and reached out and took his hand. "Minerva's right, Severus. We need to talk privately. Let's go talk in the back parlor."
Her expression was so serious that he felt his heart begin to beat faster. What else could go wrong? He found himself nodding slowly. With icy fingers of fear clutching at his insides, he turned, and they headed back to the small parlor off the Hall.
Minerva McGonagall continued on alone towards her chair on the dais. She was pleased that none of the students currently eating lunch in the hall seemed to have noticed anything amiss with their behavior. That wasn't true, though, of those who sat at the head table. Remus Lupin, having watched the whole thing from a distance, put out a hand to stop her as she passed by his chair.
"What's wrong with Evangeline, Minerva? She looked really upset." He too felt misgivings about what he'd witnessed without understanding.
McGonagall smiled reassuringly at him. "Don't worry, Remus. Everything's fine. You'll find out what's going on in time. I can't talk about it at the moment. Suffice it to say that Severus is about to get the shock of his life."
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The tense couple walked into the small parlor and closed the door. Severus turned immediately to Evangeline. "Evangeline, please, tell me what's wrong?"
She nodded to a chair. "Sit down, Severus."
"But…" he protested.
She shook her head. "Sit down…please." He did. Anything to speed things up, to find out what was the matter. Evangeline stared at him wordlessly, and then began to pace back and forth, and back and forth. He watched her until he couldn't stand it anymore.
In a firm voice he commanded, "Evangeline, tell me what the problem is now! I swear if you were a student, I'd have taken 50 points from your house by now…even if it is Slytherin! What is wrong?"
Grasping her courage firmly so it couldn't flee, she turned towards him and abruptly knelt in front of his chair. Then she took both of his cold hands into hers, looked him in the eye, and said quietly, "I'm pregnant."
His jaw dropped and all color drained from his face. He shook his head as if he couldn't have heard her correctly and whispered, "What?"
"I'm pregnant, Severus. Apparently, just a few days."
He continued to stare at her. "Pregnant?…(she nodded), a baby?…(she nodded), our baby?"…(she nodded again).
Then he just sat there with a stunned look on his face, staring at her as if he'd never seen her before.
Oh, my god. This is what I was most afraid of! He doesn't want this! She thought miserably. Her heart clenched painfully in her chest, and she went icy cold all over.
"I'm sorry, Severus. I don't understand how this could have happened. We were always so careful," she whispered.
He nodded faintly, a far off look in his eyes. "I do, Evangeline," he whispered distantly. "We were interrupted…those idiotic house elves. I forgot…we both forgot. I was so frustrated and enraged…yes…that must have been when it happened." He continued to stare at nothing with a black look forming on his features.
Evangeline ventured a soft question, "Are you angry?" Her body was beginning to tremble. Tears formed in her eyes and began to creep slowly down her cheeks. A feeling of utter desolation descended on her like a smothering blanket.
Noticing her tears seemed to bring Severus back to conscious thought. He brought a hand up to brush them away. "Please, don't cry, Evangeline. I'm not angry…at least not with you. I…don't know just how I feel. I've never thought about being a father. I never thought I'd want to be." He snorted softly. "I could never imagine I'd be any good at it. I have enough difficulty relating to children who are capable of independent thought and of caring for themselves, but …a baby?"
As he sat there and looked at her, he had a sudden overwhelmingly clear image of her holding their baby in her arms and rocking it gently, with a smile of infinite sweetness on her face. The picture was so sharp and vivid; it felt as if he was standing right there next to them. A peaceful contented feeling such as he'd never experienced before washed gently over him. It frightened him how much he longed for this. Slowly he reached out a tentative hand to touch them, to hold them, and the image changed abruptly. Suddenly the figure in front of him was not his much desired wife and child, but instead was a dementor reaching out for him with scabrous hands.
Snape gasped and pulled back suddenly. Evangeline reached out and grasped him by the shoulders. "Severus, what is it? Talk to me, please!"
Refocusing his eyes on her, he brought his hands up to cup her face gently. With effort, he managed to bring his troubled thoughts back to her, to reassure her. He didn't wanted to cause her more pain, and he could see the deep worry in her eyes.
"I never thought I'd be lucky enough to find someone like you, Evangeline. Someone who'd love me enough to marry me, despite all my faults and shortcomings, and having a family seemed out of the question. I never considered the possibility. That was for other men, those with safe ordinary lives. I'd have sneered at anyone who would ever have dared to suggest such a thing to me. I never believed that I would ever want it, but now that it's here in front of me, I find I want it more than anything in the world." A hesitant smile turned up the corners of his lips.
All the fears churning up her insides vanished in an intense burst of relief so strong, that she almost fainted again. He still wanted her! And the baby! She smiled at him with tears still streaming down her face. "Oh, Severus, I love you so much." She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.
The dark wizard clutched his lover to him, holding her so closely that he could feel her heart beating against his body…driving nails into his soul. His haunted eyes stared over her shoulder into space, as once more a painful vision of the future rose up before him. The cloaked dementor withdrew from his cell and slammed the door shut, trapping him inside…alone. Bereft. Separating him from his family. His family! He closed his eyes, hearing the door close forever on this life he suddenly wanted so desperately and feared he would never have.
What a cosmic joke his life had turned out to be. Fate hands him everything he could ever dream of on a silver platter, and then snatches it away as he rots forever in prison, longing for what was almost his. Redemption is truly a mirage. Once started down the path to evil, there is no way off again. He'd never escape the actions of his past. All actions have a cost it seems, and the cost for his was higher than he ever thought possible.
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Remus Lupin found himself consumed by curiosity. He never took his eyes off the parlor door as he ate his lunch. Now that he was finished eating, he still couldn't make himself get up and leave the hall. What could be wrong? Evangeline looked so scared! Yet Minerva said that everything was okay. What could it mean? He wanted so much to help her, but that would never be his place. He'd never be the one she'd turn to for help or comfort…or love. He'd really better start finding a way to accept that! Evangeline loved Snape, not him, and that wasn't going to change.
McGonagall got up from the table and came over. She laid a hand on his shoulder. "Remus, don't worry about this. Haven't you got an afternoon class to get to?"
He jumped and turned his eyes up to her, startled out of his unpleasant thoughts. "You're right, Minerva, but so does Severus, I believe."
She shrugged. "Well, I wouldn't be surprised if he missed his, today, but you shouldn't miss yours."
He got up from his chair. "All right, Minerva, I'll go, but all this curiosity is really very bad for me."
She smiled at him. "You'll live, Remus, you'll live." She watched as he reluctantly left the hall.
Despite her words to Lupin, McGonagall found she too was intensely curious about the unfolding drama playing out in the small parlor. Not having an afternoon class herself until later, she sat back down at the table and sipped another cup of tea.
Suddenly the parlor door opened, and Snape and Evangeline came out. He bent and kissed her swiftly on the cheek, then walked rapidly out of the hall. Evangeline turned and slowly made her way up to the table and took a seat next to McGonagall. Minerva couldn't tell what she was thinking from her solemn expression.
"Is everything all right, Evangeline?" she asked in concern.
Evangeline turned to her friend and shook her head. "I'm really beginning to hate Cornelius Fudge." She sighed. "Severus says he's happy about it, Minerva, but no, everything isn't all right. I can see the worry in his eyes, this dawning hopelessness. He's like a drowning man who can see land in front of him, but the relentless undertow is pulling him down, and he can't stop it. I can't let this happen to him, Minerva. I just can't! Somehow, I'm going to stop Fudge, I don't know how, but I am."