38. Recovered Memories
Evangeline spent her evening concocting the record animating potion. Once she had it simmering on the hearth, she cleaned up, and took a shower. It was very late, but she couldn't sleep. Try as she might, she couldn't stop her mind from wondering what Severus was going through with the dementors in Azkaban. From everything she'd ever heard, it was a horrible place. She hated to think of him there, suffering, but she knew he was.
When she got out of the shower, instead of dressing, she put on one of Severus' flowing black silk robes. The feel of it against her bare skin made her feel closer to him. If she closed her eyes, she could almost feel his arms around her.
Evangeline went and sat on the hearthrug in front of the fire, falling easily into pleasant memories of the past. This was where they'd first made love, here on this rug, in front of this fire. Every detail of that night was burned into her brain. The incredible happiness that she'd felt…that they'd both felt…would stay with her forever. Desperate to remember, to experience it all again, she closed her eyes and lay back on the soft rug while she tried to bring every precious moment back to mind. She could almost feel his lips gliding over hers, his tender touch on her face, her neck, her breasts…suddenly she had an odd sensation. The face that hovered over hers in her memory was different. The hair was brown not black…the eyes were…she sat bolt upright. Remus! Why should she remember being kissed and touched by Remus? That never happened!
Do I want it to? Her thoughts wavered for a moment then she shook her head firmly. No. Remus is my friend. I've never felt desire for him…only for Severus. So what's going on here? What does this mean?
Anxiously she got up and paced the room. These thoughts…she hesitated to call them memories, must mean something, but what? Abruptly she stopped and closed her eyes again. The image came strongly to mind once more of Remus kissing and caressing her lovingly under a green canopy. Severus' bed. When she was ill?
"Oh, my god!" she whispered in horror. "Is that possible? Did it happen?"
Without a second thought she turned, opened the door, and fled up the hall, up the stairs, and down the corridor, until she stood at Lupin's door. Blind panic forced her heart to race. So scared she could hardly breathe, she banged on his door loudly, desperately.
"Remus! Are you in there? I need to talk to you. It's important!" She was shivering with cold and anxiety, standing there in bare feet on the cold stone floor.
Remus came to the door wearing a maroon bathrobe and yawning. His hair was tousled from sleep and his brain was still sluggish. He was abruptly jarred awake, though, by the sight of her standing there wearing Snape's overly large robe and obviously nothing else. Did she realize how revealing this outfit was? His body thrummed with desire, which cooled immediately as he noted the look of horror on her face. "What's wrong, Evangeline?"
"I need to see you alone, immediately," she gasped out painfully.
Alarmed, he glanced back into the room. "Um…Sirius is sleeping in the other room. He likes my room better than his own."
Not to be denied, she grabbed his hand. "Come with me." He closed the door and let her pull him back down the hall and down the stairs, back to her room. When they were inside with the door shut, she stood there trembling with that look of horror still etched on her pale face. Her arms were crossed over her chest in what almost looked like a protective or defensive posture. Paralyzed by her fear, she clutched the oversize black robe desperately around her and simply stared at him.
Lupin was starting to get really scared. Something was obviously very wrong. "What's the matter, Evangeline? Let me help you." He moved forward, arms outstretched, to embrace her, but she pushed him violently away from her.
"No, don't touch me!" she exclaimed explosively.
He frowned and shook his head in bewilderment. "I don't understand, Angel. What's wrong? Please tell me!"
She stared pleadingly into his eyes. "I've been having disturbing memories, Remus, from when I was ill. I remember you kissing me and touching me when we were both lying in Severus' bed. Please, tell me this never happened."
Carefully, she watched his face and held her breath.
The shock drained Lupin's face of all its color, and he felt a shiver of fear run through him like the ragged edge of a knife. "I…I wish I could, Evangeline," he stammered.
Suddenly feeling lightheaded, she swayed on her feet. "Oh, my god…oh, my god…are you telling me it did happen?"
Reluctantly, he nodded, fear clutching his heart. His worst nightmare had come true! She remembered! What would they all do now?
A look of horror took possession of her face, and she backed away from him, pressing a hand to her abdomen. Against her will, she shook her head and whispered hoarsely, "We made love? Could this baby be yours…not Severus'?" She sank to the floor, shaking, and rocking back and forth. "Oh, my god…no…no…no."
Compelled into action, he ran forward and knelt in front of her. Firmly he grasped her by the shoulders and forced her to look at him. "No, Evangeline! We didn't have sex. Your baby's not mine! It couldn't be. It's Severus' baby! Please, don't doubt that."
Her pain filled eyes stared deeply into his imploringly. "Truly? You aren't lying to me?"
Tears filled his eyes. "No, Evangeline, I'd never lie to you. The baby is Severus'! There is absolutely no way it could be mine. Now, please, calm down! I'll tell you what happened, but you have to calm down first. This isn't good for you or your baby for you to upset yourself so much."
Suddenly feeling dizzy with relief, she took a deep breath and tried to relax. Lupin helped her up off the cold floor and got her to sit in one of the wing chairs in front of the fireplace. When she was calmer, he got up and began to pace.
When he felt a bit more in control and able to talk, he turned and knelt in front of her. Painfully, he forced himself to look her in the eyes. "I did a very foolish thing, Evangeline. I let myself fall in love with you, even though I knew that you'd only be able to love Severus. I've been trying very hard to get over it, and I never meant for you to know about it. I'm so sorry. What happened between us was entirely my fault, and a moment of total weakness on my part."
He sighed deeply. "You were delirious and thrashing around in the bed. I went in to calm you down. When I bent over you, you smiled at me, and put your arms around me. You asked me to kiss you and…I did. I knew I shouldn't, but I wanted you so much. I couldn't help myself…until you called out Severus' name. The only reason you were offering yourself to me, Evangeline, was that in your delirium, you thought I was Severus. He's the only one you've ever wanted. Please don't doubt that. I've felt deeply ashamed of my actions that night. I was weak, but that's no excuse. I'm so sorry for causing you pain like this. Can you ever forgive me?"
Aghast at his confession, she stared at him blankly and shook her head. "I…don't know what to say, Remus. I feel numb. How could this have happened? How could I do something like that? How could you? I trusted you? I thought you were my friend!" Tears slid down her cheeks.
Lupin felt tears on his own cheeks, as well. "I am your friend!" He paused and bowed his head. "It wasn't your fault, Evangeline. You were delirious with fever and the effects of the Devil's Foot drug. You truly believed I was Severus. You did nothing wrong! Please, don't reproach yourself. No one could blame you for anything, please don't blame yourself. It was all my fault…my weakness…my shame."
Shaking with suppressed emotion, she pushed him gently away from her and got up from the chair. Blindly, she walked over to the window and stared out into the night, clutching Severus' robe tightly around her. Her world had been turned upside down in the space of a few minutes. Thinking was an incredible chore at the moment. Her mind felt dazed and numb as if she'd been repeatedly struck with a heavy object. She needed to make sense of all this, but right now, it felt as if nothing would ever make sense again.
Somehow she found her voice. "Please, go Remus. I need to be alone now."
He stood up, trembling and ice cold. "Evangeline, please…"
"Go!" she exclaimed harshly.
Knowing it was useless to try to continue this now, he turned sadly, quietly left the room, and somehow found his way back to his own.
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Lupin entered his quarters and stumbled over to look out the window. Nausea churned in his stomach. How could he have let this happen? He closed his eyes and bowed his head. He'd known that night had been a horrible mistake, but he'd hoped so desperately that they'd all be spared this pain. Black thoughts full of unfocused agony swirled through his tired brain, making him afraid to contemplate the future that suddenly looked so bleak.
A rustle from behind him captured his attention, and alerted him to Black's presence.
"I was wondering when you'd return. What did Evangeline want? What's wrong, Remus?"
Lupin sighed raggedly. "She remembered what happened between us when she was ill, Sirius."
Black was stunned. "Oh, my god! What happened?"
Lupin laughed bitterly. "What do you think happened? She's devastated! She believes that she's been unfaithful to Severus. She's never going to forgive me, Sirius. God, she was even afraid that the baby could be mine. The idea terrified her!"
As his agitation began to overwhelm him, he began to pace the room. Suddenly he felt like a condemned man waiting for sentence to be passed.
"What am I going to do, Sirius? What if she tells Severus? How can we ever get past this? She feels violated all over again, even worse than by Malfoy. She expected pain from him, but she thought I was her friend. I betrayed her trust in the worst possible way!"
He leaned wearily against the window sill and dropped his head into his hands.
Black just stood there. He had no idea what to say…how to handle this. "Remus…I'm sorry. Can I do anything to help you?"
"No one can help me, Sirius." Lupin said this with a tone of such defeat and finality that it sent a shiver of fear through Black. He patted Lupin awkwardly on the shoulder and retreated to the bedroom to await the coming of morning.