56. Moving Forward
Evangeline lay in her hospital bed with her eyes tightly closed. Something slammed deeply into her over and over, while mocking laughter rang in her ears. She gasped and wrenched open her eyes. For a bewildering moment she stared blankly at the ceiling, trying to remember where she was. Then the terrifying events of the previous day began to run through her mind like some horror film she might see at a Muggle cinema, but this wasn't make believe. This horror was real and she'd lived through it just yesterday. Tears flooded her eyes making everything a blur. Her friend was dead. And Malfoy…she closed her eyes again. She wanted it to just go away! She didn't want to think about it! A gentle touch on her still slightly swollen and bruised cheek caused her to open her eyes again, to stare into Severus' concerned face.
"Evangeline, how are you feeling?" His dark eyes watched her anxiously.
She tried to smile at him, but she just couldn't. "Oh, Severus. I'm beginning to feel like we live a cursed life."
Wanting so much to comfort her, he lay down next to her on the narrow bed, put his arms around her, and held her tightly. "You don't really believe that, do you?"
She hugged him hard, savoring the firm comfort of his chest beneath her sore cheek. Having his solid and consoling form to hold on to was tremendously reassuring. It brought tears to her eyes once more to think of how close she'd come to losing him. His arms felt like the safest refuge on earth, and she never wanted to leave them again.
With a shaky sigh, she murmured softly, "No. I guess not, but nothing ever seems to go as planned. I should have followed my first instinct and kept the outside world away from our wedding. Then maybe Margie and Edward would still be alive."
Severus stroked her hair lightly, twining it around his long fingers. "You can't take responsibility for that onto yourself, Evangeline. Malfoy was consumed with hatred. If anyone should be blamed for what he did, it should be me. I'm the one he wanted to hurt, the one he sought revenge on."
She shook her head and sighed, then raised her eyes to his. "Listen to us. Both of us feeling responsible for this, when the truth is that Malfoy is a monster! We didn't create him, and we didn't force him to do these horrible things. Neither of us is responsible, Severus. We'll just have to find a way past this and go on."
With a feeling of apprehension, he looked seriously into her eyes. "Do you want to postpone the wedding?"
A shiver ran through her at the thought of waiting any longer. If she could she'd hurry things up and marry him this instant. Becoming his wife was all she longed for. Suddenly she felt overcome with a desperate need to never leave his side again for as long as they lived. With a wistful smile on her lips, she shook her head and caressed his cheek. "No. We've waited long enough. I don't want to wait any longer to be your wife."
Tremendous relief pulsed through him at her words; perhaps he'd been worrying for nothing. Surely she wouldn't still want to marry him if she was involved with Lupin. "Good," he murmured and drew her into a passionate kiss, only to have their embrace interrupted by Poppy.
"If you're feeling well enough for the two of you to be doing that, then you can just go continue this in the privacy of your own room! It's certainly not an appropriate activity to be carrying on with in a public place like my infirmary!"
They broke apart and sat up, both blushing furiously, to face a grinning Poppy standing at the foot of the bed with her hands on her hips. "Obviously we need to get the two of you married, as soon as possible!"
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Remus Lupin finished buttoning up his shirt and reached for his robe. God, it felt so good to get some clothes on again. There's nothing worse than awakening stark naked in the middle of the woods with absolutely no memory of what you did the night before. He hadn't been covered in blood, though, so he was hoping that nothing horrible had happened. It had been a tremendous relief to hear that Evangeline was all right, and that that bastard, Malfoy had been captured and sent to Azkaban. What are the odds that he'll stay there, though? This was Lucius Malfoy. Death Eater extraordinaire! Wealthy and all around well-connected person. He'd probably be out in no time with Fudge begging his pardon all the way across England!
Once he finished donning his robe, he sat down on his bed and tried to decide just what to do next.
"I'd really like to go visit Evangeline in the infirmary. I'd feel a whole lot better if I could see for myself that she's okay. That's probably not such a good idea, though. Severus might be there." He snorted to himself. "What am I saying? Of course, he's there. If I was him, I'd never let her out of my sight again! He probably spent the night in the next bed watching over her continuously like a furious guard dog. No, going to the infirmary probably isn't the best idea."
Pain overwhelmed him again as he thought of Evangeline. "Oh, Evangeline, I'm so sorry! How can I ever make it up to you? How could you bear to ever look at me again? Just the sight of me will probably make you sick. Damn Lucius Malfoy to hell!"
Lupin ran his hands through his hair and got up to pace the room as his thoughts tumbled wildly in anxiety. "God! What am I going to do now? How am I going to handle seeing Severus? Does he know what happened? Did Evangeline tell him? No, she swore she wouldn't, and I know she'd never lie to me. But that's asking her to lie to Severus! That's not fair, and frankly I'm not sure she'll be able to bring herself to do it for long. She shouldn't have to! Then there's Lucius Malfoy…that scum! He swore he'd tell Severus the first chance he got. Still, if Severus knew, wouldn't he already be pounding on my door looking for blood? I would be in his place!"
"If he doesn't know, how am I going to keep it from him? I am simply not that good an actor. He'll know I'm hiding something from him the moment he sees my guilty face."
He sighed and went to look out the window. "Maybe he'll understand. I didn't have a choice, after all. The Imperius Curse isn't something that I was able to shrug off. Even Severus wouldn't have been able to resist it. Surely he'd understand."
His shoulders slumped. "Right, just like he understood that I had no control over my actions when Sirius tricked him into crawling under the Whomping Willow. Severus is simply not the understanding and forgiving sort. Look how many years it's taken him to even begin to get over that incident. Even knowing that I was desperate to avoid killing or hurting anyone, he still blamed me for years!"
"And this is so much worse. This is Evangeline. The woman he loves and is going to marry. Could he possibly forgive me for raping her on the eve of their wedding? Even though I had no control over my actions? Maybe, given some time…okay, a lot of time…to think things over. Could he put the image aside and go on as before? Nope. Not a chance in hell. Our relationship would be worse than it ever was."
He sighed once more and turned away from the window. "Well, I can't hide in my room forever. I have to go out and face things sooner or later. It might as well be sooner. I should return Eleanor's cloak to her anyway. She's really a very nice woman…attractive, too. Maybe what I should do is forget about all this mess and just go see her and get to know her a bit better. Maybe we'd hit it off. That's a thought. I'll go see Eleanor and spend some time getting to know her. She certainly seemed friendly…maybe even a little interested. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Even a condemned man gets a last meal and a final request, after all."
With a feeling of impending doom hovering over his head, Remus sighed, picked up Eleanor's cloak, and left his room hoping that today didn't turn out to be the last day of what had been, over all, a somewhat disappointing life.
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When Evangeline and Severus walked into the Great Hall for lunch, Evangeline stopped short and stared up at the head table in satisfaction.
"Well, well. I guess they didn't need my help after all." She turned and grinned at Snape.
Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, he frowned in puzzlement and looked at her. "What do you mean, Evangeline?"
She nodded toward the table. "The seating arrangements."
He looked up at the table in front of them, to see "James" and Ariantha laughing about something, and Remus and Eleanor deep in conversation.
He nodded in understanding. "I see…your matchmaking efforts."
"Weren't necessary after all. Things seem to have worked out for the best all on their own." She smiled in satisfaction at her friends.
They continued on up to the head table. Evangeline was still moving a bit stiffly. Poppy had assured her that the worst of her injuries would be unnoticeable by the time of the wedding, but she still felt like she'd been trampled by a dragon and gnawed on for good measure. As they came along side, both of the already seated couples stopped their conversations, and everyone asked Evangeline how she was feeling. She assured them all that she was just fine.
Then she turned to Remus Lupin, who stood and gave her a big hug. "I'm so glad you're back, Remus. Thank you for all that you did for me yesterday."
Lupin closed his eyes as he held Evangeline tightly in his arms. He tried to keep a tight rein on all the pain and love that threatened to come spilling out whenever he looked at her. His heart sang loudly with his happiness at seeing her safe and well, and he prayed fervently that no one would ever have to know how shamefully he'd treated her. As he reluctantly pulled out of her embrace and faced her again, it was so hard not to once again throw himself at her feet and beg for her forgiveness.
Instead he forced himself to smile at her and say, "I'm just glad you're safe, and we were able to find a way out of there for both of us, Evangeline."
She nodded in agreement and hugged him tightly once again. "Me, too, Remus. Me, too."
As he embraced her again, Lupin raised his eyes and found Snape watching him closely with a strange and rather forbidding look on his face. A shiver of fear ran through him as he noted the speculative look in the Potions Master's eyes. Suddenly he found himself more deeply scared than ever of what Snape might know…or suspect. His heart began to beat faster, and he felt his life expectancy narrowing with every breath he took.
After Severus and Evangeline had moved on down the table and sat down next to Dumbledore and McGonagall, Eleanor leaned over and whispered to Remus Lupin. "Does Evangeline know you're in love with her, Remus?"
Deeply startled, Lupin turned from his depressing thoughts to face this new shock. "Why would you ask a question like that?" he whispered in horrified dismay.
She regarded him sympathetically and replied softly, "It was written all over your face when you were embracing her."
Oh, my god! If Eleanor picked up on that, then Severus couldn't possibly have missed seeing it! He truly was a dead man. His horrified thoughts raced swiftly to the worst possible conclusion.
He forced his eyes away from Eleanor and glanced down the table at Snape, whose attention thankfully seemed directed elsewhere at the moment. A temporary reprieve, he was now all but certain.
Eleanor patted his hand as she noted the direction of his glance. "Don't worry, I'm sure Professor Snape didn't notice. He's too besotted to notice anything at the moment. Your secret is safe."
Lupin turned his stunned regard back to Eleanor. Oh please, let you be right about that! He thought to himself, knowing at the same time that the odds were against him. He knew Snape better than Eleanor did after all, and that look in his eyes meant something…something that boded ill for him.
Eleanor claimed his attention once more. "To return to the original question, does Evangeline know?"
He sighed sadly and looked down, toying nervously with his fork. "Yes, Evangeline knows how I feel about her. She also knows that I'm trying my best to get over it. She'll never love anyone but Severus. I've accepted that intellectually. I'll find a way to accept it emotionally, too. These things take time."
Eleanor smiled at him with understanding and placed her hand on his. "Yes, they do. If there's anything I can do to help you, please let me know."
He looked up into her sparkling eyes with surprise, and a slow smile crept across his face. "I'll be sure to do that, Eleanor, thank you."
As Eleanor returned to her lunch, the smile faded from Lupin's face, and he cast his glance down the table at Snape once more and returned to his thoroughly dismal thoughts. "I wish there was something you could do for me, Eleanor, but I suspect that it's too late for anyone to help me now," he murmured softly.
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