57. Casting the Stone, Watching the Ripples
Once lunch was over and everyone had gone their separate ways for awhile, Evangeline and Severus returned to their quarters together. As the day had gone on, Evangeline had become more and more nervous and ill at ease. The pressure of hiding the truth about what had happened to her at the tower was weighing heavily on her conscience. She felt like she was lying to Severus, and this didn't sit well with her at all, especially not now that their wedding was finally right around the corner. Starting their married life with secrets between them seemed so wrong, but how could she ever tell him the truth?
She was so afraid of how he'd react if he knew the true extent of Malfoy's horrible treatment of her. Just the thought of talking about it to him made her feel ill. Could she possibly look into those beautiful dark eyes of his and tell him what Malfoy had made Remus do? She practically broke out in a cold sweat simply thinking about it. Finding the words would be almost impossible.
All she really wanted to do was forget the whole horrible episode. Her mind didn't seem to be cooperating with her there, however. Ugly images kept flashing before her eyes at odd moments. If she closed them, even for a second, Malfoy's sneering visage swam before her mind's eye, followed by Remus' usually kind face twisted into an uncharacteristically savage leer. Her heart began to pound mercilessly every time she thought about it. Why couldn't she just wipe these images from her mind! Try as she would, she didn't seem to be able to let it go. For Remus' sake, she really wanted to keep it quiet, but she just didn't think she could manage it for much longer.
This hiding of her feelings was taking its toll on Severus, as well. Evangeline's increasing nervousness was becoming more and more apparent to him as the day wore on, and it was starting to worry him a lot. As he closed the door behind them, Evangeline crossed the room and picked up a quill from his desk. He watched her put it down, then take up something else, only to drop it a moment later. She paced around the room like a nervous animal in a cage.
Something was very wrong, and he had to discover what it was. Afraid as he was to know the truth, he was even more afraid not to. Watching her pace and fidget, he realized that there really was no choice anymore; he had to find out the truth, before the silent weight of secrets kept, destroyed them both. For the longer this went on the more apparent it became that there was a secret…and it was tearing Evangeline apart.
"When are you going to tell me what happened, Evangeline?" he asked softly as he stood silently by the door and watched her restless prowl around the room.
She cringed noticeably and turned to face him with fear in her eyes. "What do you mean, Severus?"
"You're afraid of something, Evangeline. Please, tell me what it is."
She shook her head and looked away from him. "Don't be silly. What could I be afraid of?"
Feeling the gentle fingers of fear tickling up his spine, he said softly, "You're afraid of what I know."
He saw her stiffen and blanch, as her nervous fingers clutched the back of his chair. "What do you mean…what you know?" she whispered in a pale voice.
Determinedly he forced himself to continue. "You're afraid of what I know about what happened to you and Lupin in Malfoy's prison. Malfoy tried to tell me that the two of you were lovers while you were imprisoned together. I didn't give it a second thought at the time…thinking he only meant to hurt me with his lies. But since you've been back, it's been clear that you're holding something in…hiding something from me. And just now, at lunch, while you and Lupin were embracing, I could tell that something was going on between you. His eyes were full of pain…and something more…something I'd been too blind to notice before. Lupin is in love with you, isn't he?" He held his breath, waiting for her answer to set him free or condemn him forever.
She sank bonelessly into the chair at his desk and stared numbly at him. Her brain felt frozen, at a loss for words to answer him…loath to cause him more pain. How could she tell him what happened? It would only hurt him…and make him angry.
Her silence stabbed at him like a knife. His heart filled with ice at her refusal to answer, to tell him he was wrong. He moistened his dry lips and forced himself to ask another question…the most painful of all.
"Are you in love with him, Evangeline? Are you marrying the wrong man?" He held himself rigidly in control, clenching his hands into fists, trying to will himself not to breakdown if her answer was yes. This pain, this fear was the strongest reason he'd held himself apart from love and caring for so many years. Before he'd first made love to Evangeline he'd told her that emotional entanglements only led to pain, and he didn't need any more pain in his life. Apparently he'd been right about that. He should've listened to himself then and not given in to his desires. Had he made an awful mistake when he'd taken a chance and let this woman into his heart?
Alarmed that he would question her feelings for him, she jumped to her feet and flew across the room to throw her arms around him and cry reassuringly, "No! Oh, no, Severus! I don't love Remus. I love you…only you…always! Please, believe me! There's never, even for a moment, been anyone else in my heart but you, and there never could be! You have to believe me! You are the man I want to marry! You…no one else."
He breathed again…dizzy with intense relief, as he held her firmly against him and buried his face in her soft hair. "Then what's wrong, Evangeline?" he whispered in concern. "For I know that something is. What happened between you and Lupin in Malfoy's prison? Please, tell me the truth. Don't you trust me?"
Haltingly she nodded against his chest. When she raised her eyes to his they were full of tears, and he could feel her trembling in his arms. "Of course I trust you, Severus. I just don't want to hurt you…finding the words to talk about what Malfoy did to me…to us…is just so hard." She dropped her head to his chest and began to sob in anguish.
Alarmed even more now, he scooped her up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom. There he laid her gently on the bed. Then he lay down beside her and embraced her comfortingly. He held her and rocked her gently in his arms until finally her sobbing ceased and became nothing but the occasional sniffle. He conjured up a handkerchief and gave it to her, waiting patiently while she dabbed at her eyes and sat up and blew her nose.
Then, carefully avoiding his eyes, she lay down quietly, with her head on his chest and began to speak in a small hollow voice, and the ugly truth began to trickle out slowly, painfully. "Malfoy stripped me naked, wired my wrists and ankles to the floor, and beat me. He was so full of anger and hate. I think he may have intended to rape me with some object as well…perhaps his wand, I don't know…he just wanted to cause me as much pain as he could. When suddenly Remus' threatening of his life drew his attention away from me and gave him another perverted idea."
With a shiver, she took a deep breath and forced herself to continue. "He used a strengthened version of the Imperius curse on Remus. It had to be extra strong, because Remus fought off the effects of the first one he tried, but in the end, he was successful in turning Remus into his puppet."
As the painful memories grabbed hold of her once more, Evangeline began to sob inconsolably again, and Snape closed his eyes and held her tighter, more sure than ever that he knew just what she would say next. She spoke as fast as she could, just to get the words out before they choked her, in a voice that was little more than a whisper. "He forced Remus to rape me for him, since he couldn't do it himself."
There it was, in letters nine feet tall, in words that would damn him forever. He couldn't do it himself! All of this pain…this anguish was his fault. If he hadn't been so hell bent on vengeance, none of this would have ever happened!
As the silence lengthened, and Severus didn't react to her statement, Evangeline's fear escalated to alarming heights. She raised her tear-streaked face to look at him, fearful of what she'd see in his eyes, but the rage she thought she'd see there was absent. They contained only deep pain…and guilt.
Uncertain of his mood and feelings, she shook her head hesitantly. "Please, don't blame Remus for what happened, Severus. He tried so hard to resist Malfoy's curse. It wasn't his fault."
Painfully, Snape closed his eyes once more and gave a weak gasping anguished laugh. "Blame Remus? My god, Evangeline why would I blame Remus…or you…or anyone but myself! This whole horrible situation is my fault! I'm the one who should be held responsible…ME, no one else! If I hadn't sent Malfoy that damn box of chocolates, none of this would have ever happened! I pushed Malfoy too far, made him too desperate, and because he couldn't get his hands on me, he took out all his twisted hatred on you… on both of you."
Evangeline sat up abruptly and stared down at Severus. This wasn't the response she'd expected. "No, Severus! This isn't your fault, any more than it's Remus' fault or my fault. The fault is and always will be Lucius Malfoy's! That perverted monster thought this up all on his own. Yes, you hurt him, after he hurt me; revenge is never an answer. But you didn't force Malfoy to hurt me or you or Remus. He made that choice all by himself. He reveled in it! He enjoys causing pain. Don't take that responsibility away from him. Let him bear the full weight of it. He deserves it!"
With eyes full of pain and confusion, he reached up a hand to touch her cheek gently. "How can you stand to look at me, Evangeline? How can you deny my guilt here? Why don't you blame me for this?"
She shook her head impatiently. "Now you're the one who's not listening to me. You're not to blame. I don't blame you, and neither does Remus. Malfoy is responsible for his own actions! I love you, Severus! I always will. Please, don't let that monster Lucius Malfoy ruin that for us. Please, don't let him win!"
With a deep sigh, he pulled her back down into his arms and held her close. "I'm sorry, Evangeline. I just can't help but feel that once more you've suffered because of me. I've done an appallingly bad job of keeping you safe from harm. Despite my worthless promises to do so."
"Oh, Severus, please don't blame yourself for this," she whispered once more, heartsick at the idea of his blaming himself for the actions of Lucius Malfoy.
There was no answer to her plea, though, as Snape lost himself in the cold corridors of his guilty mind and reproached himself for once more having brought pain to the one person in the world whom he never wanted to hurt. How many times had he promised to keep her safe? Had he ever succeeded?
Determined to end this painful silence positively and bring him back to her, Evangeline smiled up at him through her tears, hoping to coax him out of his brooding. "Oh, come on Severus, life isn't so bad, at least now that Malfoy is in Azkaban, we won't have to worry about him anymore…just Voldemort, and really…how bad can that be?"
Surprised by her comment, he gave a short bark of laughter at the idea of Voldemort being less of a threat than Malfoy and commented dryly, "Oh, yes, aren't we lucky!"
Evangeline smiled more tenderly and lightly caressed his cheek with her fingertips. "I certainly feel lucky to have you, Severus. I love you so much. You do still want to get married …don't you?" She watched him hesitantly.
Shaking his head in admiration, he ran his hand through her hair, and gazed at her in wonder. "Even after all this, you'd still marry me, Evangeline? I don't deserve anyone as forgiving as you…although considering all you've had to forgive…I certainly need someone who's forgiving."
A great weight lifted from her heart as they smiled at each other in understanding.
"Then the wedding can go on as planned tomorrow?" she asked eagerly.
He gave an exaggerated sigh. "Well, I suppose so. I'm not likely to find anyone else who's so ready and eager to ignore all of my many faults."
With her heart pounding out her relief, she grinned and ran a hand slowly down his body. "That's because I'm concentrating on your more appealing qualities," she teased, as her hand paused to stroke gently between his legs. "I really just want to get this wedding over with so we can concentrate on the wedding night, anyway."
He smiled lasciviously and rolled her onto her back, pinning her to the bed with his weight. "I do like the way you think, Madam," he murmured softly as his lips claimed hers possessively.
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