58.   Face to Face

Remus Lupin stood on the top of the Astronomy tower and contemplated how far it really was down to the very solid earth beneath it.  He was trying to decide if that would be a painful enough end or if he should just wait for Snape to come and kill him.  Because he was coming…and soon.  Lupin had seen the look in Snape's eyes at lunch, if he didn't know, he suspected, and he'd get the truth out of Evangeline soon.  Lupin knew that Snape would never hurt her…but him?  He was toast!

God, what an appalling end to a gut wrencher of a year!  All his hopes and dreams had collided full force with his worst nightmares in that tower prison.  The only thing to be thankful for was that he hadn't actually killed Evangeline.  Although what he'd done was almost worse.  Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was her look of pain and horror as he forced himself onto and into her resisting body.

All he'd ever wanted was for her to smile at him, to want him, to love him.  Kissing her, caressing her, making love to her should have been the realization of a dream.  Instead it was perverted, twisted into hell on earth.  Damn Lucius Malfoy!  Azkaban was too good for him…too easy!  Somehow he'd find a way to utterly destroy that bastard…if he lived that long.

Suddenly he heard a footstep behind him.  This was it.  The moment of confrontation had come!  Severus had come for him.  Might as well get it over with quickly.  He turned around to find Sirius Black staring at him with concern.

Lupin sighed in frustration.  "These aren't my quarters, Sirius!  Four floors down…main corridor…6th door on the right.  Feel free, I won't be needing them anymore after today anyway."

Black snorted.  "Very funny, Remus.  Now, what's up?  You've been moping around looking like death warmed over ever since you came out of the Forbidden Forest.  And don't tell me that you're just tired.  If that was the case, I'd find you snoozing away in bed, not up here looking like you're thinking about jumping.  Now, tell me what's wrong.  What happened at that tower that I don't know about?"

Lupin turned his back on Black and gripped the edge of the parapet with his hands.  "I don't want to talk about it!  Please, just go away and leave me alone."

Black shook his head.  "Nope.  Doesn't look like a good idea to me.  You're far too upset about something for me to leave you up here without a net."

"How about if I give you my word as a Gryffindor that I won't jump?"  He could always just wait for Snape, after all.  Why deprive the man of the well-deserved pleasure of killing him personally, anyway?

Black smiled.  "That'd be a start, I suppose…look, I think I know what this is all about.  It's Evangeline, isn't it?  You guys did something at the tower, and now you're afraid that Snape'll find out, right?  What was it?  Was she scared, and you comforted her and got a little carried away?  Is that it?  Malfoy implied that you two were lovers, but I can't believe that's the truth.  I'm pretty sure Snape didn't buy into that, either.  So you really don't need to worry."

Lupin groaned.  "Malfoy really said that to Severus?"

Black frowned in sudden concern.  "Malfoy said a lot of things, but Snape was too busy trying to strangle the life out of him to listen to most of it.  Don't tell me it's true?  You didn't actually make love to Evangeline…did you?" he asked incredulously.

Lupin hung his head.  "What I did to Evangeline couldn't remotely be called "making love", Sirius," he replied in a pain-laden voice.

Black was shocked.  "What do you mean…what you did?"

Lupin stood silently, his head bowed.  Black stepped up and put his hands on his shoulders.  He turned Lupin around and was horrified to find tears on his cheeks.  "Talk to me, Moony…please?" he whispered in a panicky voice, suddenly extremely scared for his friend.

Time passed in agonizing slowness, then Lupin began to speak in a low bitter voice with his eyes trained on the ground, "Malfoy put the Imperius curse on me, Sirius.  He forced me to follow his perverted orders.  I tried to resist him, God how I tried, but I wasn't strong enough!"  He was blinking back his tears, trying desperately to remain in control, but he was teetering on the edge of despair.

Black gazed at him sadly.  "What did that bastard make you do, Remus?" he whispered, though he had a sick feeling that he knew what Lupin was about to say.

With his eyes squeezed shut and his fists tightly clenched, Lupin moaned, "He made me rape her …as viciously and as violently as I could."  He spun around and pounded his fists against the unforgiving stonewall behind him.  "He made me hurt her, Sirius!  The one person I never wanted to hurt in any way, and I ended up hurting her more than I've ever hurt anyone in my life!" 

The suffering wizard took a deep gulp of air.  "And as soon as he finds out about it, Severus is going to come and kill me…and I just want him to hurry up and get it over with."

Not sure how to comfort his friend, Black seized on what he knew best when it came to Snape and growled, "Don't worry, Remus.  I won't let that slimy git hurt you!  The two of us can take him.  Hell, we were always more than a match for him in school.  If he shows his ugly face up here, we'll send him packing.  You've got nothing to worry about."

Lupin turned around and stared at Black incredulously.  "Didn't you hear what I just said, Sirius?  I raped Evangeline.  Don't you think Severus would have the right to be upset about that?  Don't you think he might be justified in wanting to hurt me in return?  They're getting married tomorrow!  At least, I hope they are…though when he finds out about this, I don't know what might happen."

"You think that bastard Snape would hurt Evangeline over this?"

Lupin shook his head, suddenly furious with Black.  "No!  Of course not!  Will you stop trying to make Severus into the bad guy here!  I thought you were getting over your schoolboy's hatred for Snape…it appears I was wrong about that.  Look, you're not helping me here, Sirius.  Just go away and leave me alone!"

"But, Remus…" Black shook his head, bewildered at his friend's attitude.

"No!  I don't want to bad mouth Severus…I don't want to hurt him.  I've done enough damage to last a lifetime.  Just go away and leave me alone, Sirius, or I'll make one last exception and do some damage to you!"  Remus shook his fists and glared at Sirius Black.

Black backed away with his hands raised, palms out.  "Okay, okay, I get the message.  I'm going.  Man, that's the last time I try to help you out with your problems!  You're on your own from now on, pal!"  With that said, an extremely annoyed Black turned on his heel and exited the tower, slamming the door behind him.

As Lupin stared after him, all the anger drained out of him and left him feeling empty and hollow.  "On my own…yeah, I guess that's right." 

Feeling utterly defeated, he sighed and leaned back against the stonewall behind him and slid down to sit on the hard stone floor of the tower.  Then he propped his elbows on his knees, dropped his head into his hands, and waited for the black avenging angel of death.

Lupin continued to sit there quietly on the tower floor.  Time passed like water in a stream, flowing continuously on with no ending, no beginning.  The werewolf ceased to think, to feel, and simply waited.

Finally the door opened again and footsteps crossed the tower floor to stop in front of him.  He opened his eyes and gazed at the black shod feet before him.  Then slowly he brought his eyes up the black clad legs, and further up the black clad torso, to focus at last on the pale face with the fathoms deep ebony eyes and the unreadable expression.

Lupin took a deep breath and leaned back against the stones.  "I've been waiting for you, Severus.  Let's just get this over with as quickly as possible if you don't mind.  I won't give you any trouble.  I know I deserve whatever you dish out.  Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it"

Snape made an abrupt gesture and glared at Lupin with a look of confused annoyance on his face.  "Whatever are you blathering on about, Lupin?"

Lupin looked at him in surprise.  "You are here to kill me, aren't you?"

Snape sighed in disgust.  "No, of course not.  Don't be ridiculous!  Though I know that'll be a strain!  Get up from that floor so we can talk face to face."

Lupin was confused.  "Why aren't you here to kill me, Severus?  I deserve it.  You did talk to Evangeline, didn't you?  She did tell you what happened, didn't she?"

The look of horror and pain on Snape's face was enough to confirm Lupin's worst fears.  Deeply ashamed, he hung his head and moaned, "I raped her, Severus…I assaulted her…I forced myself on her…I hurt her!"

Snape made an impatient noise and stalked over to grasp at the stone parapet, his face a mask of extreme anger.  "Do you want me to kill you, Lupin?" he shouted in fury.  "For I swear if you continue on like this I will certainly consider it!"

Lupin looked up at him as if he was stupid.  "Yes!" he rasped out in a strangled voice.  "Why do you think I've been waiting so patiently here?  Why do you think I haven't already thrown myself from the walls of this tower?  Yes, I want you to kill me…yes, yes!"  He hung his head again.  "You have the right, Severus.  I deserve it."

Snape turned slowly and regarded Lupin's huddled miserable form in silence.  "No, Remus," he stated quietly.  "You don't deserve to die, and I have no intention of killing you.  I'm afraid you'll have to find another way to assuage any lingering guilt you feel."

Lupin raised an anguished face to Snape in puzzlement.  "I don't understand.  Why wouldn't you want to kill me after the way I hurt Evangeline?  You know, you're not the most forgiving person I've ever met, Severus, so what gives?  Why forgive me?"

Snape sighed.  "No, I'm not, but there's simply nothing to forgive.  The fault isn't yours, Remus.  It's mine.  You and Evangeline both suffered because of me.  How could I possibly hold you responsible?  You had no control over your actions." 

His tone turned deeply bitter.  "I, however, have no such excuse."

Lupin sat up straighter, totally confused by Snape's attitude.  "Severus…how could any of this be your fault?  You weren't even there!"

Snape sighed once again.  Then he crossed the tower roof to where Lupin sat and slumped down to join him, sitting on the cold stone with his back to the surrounding wall. 

He closed his eyes and spoke in a pain filled voice.  "Malfoy's twisted anger was aimed at me.  He sought revenge on me by hurting the only person in the world that I love.  He had to use you to do it because I'd callously deprived him of the means to do it himself.  If I hadn't sent Lucius those potion-laced chocolates, none of this would have ever happened."

This was a totally new perspective on things for Lupin.  He sat there in silence staring at Snape as his anxiety tortured mind tried to put all the pieces together and make a coherent picture of the whole situation. 

Slowly, as comprehension came, Lupin shook his head.  "No, Severus.  I can see your point, but it's not that simple.  You revealed your true allegiance to Voldemort.  Malfoy would have been told to hunt you down just like any of his other Death Eaters.  Yes, he'd have hated you more because of the chocolates, but he'd already hurt Evangeline, and frankly, he was looking forward to doing it again.  He loved hurting her, Severus!  And he enjoyed using me to do it.  Malfoy is one of the cruelest, most twisted, people I've ever met.  He doesn't need an excuse to hurt people.  He does it because he enjoys it!  Chocolates or no chocolates, he'd still have been out to get you, and he'd still have done what he did.  It's not your fault.  You were just fighting back."

Snape nodded his head.  "That's very generous of you considering that if it wasn't for the chocolates, Malfoy would not have had to use you that way.  Even if what you've said is true.  You can't dismiss the fact that without the effect of those chocolates on Malfoy, he wouldn't have had to control you, and use you to hurt Evangeline."

Lupin swallowed back pain.  "It wouldn't have been any easier to have had to watch him hurt her himself, Severus.  In a way, it might have been easier on her to have me touch her instead of Malfoy.  At least she knew that I wouldn't have deliberately hurt her.   Small consolation, I suppose." 

He smiled grimly.   "Besides, you're forgetting one very important thing.  You didn't send those chocolates to Malfoy…I did!  I knew what they'd do to him.  I didn't try to stop you.  In fact, if I'm honest, I have to admit I felt you were justified.  I wanted to hurt Malfoy just as much as you did for what he did to Evangeline.  I felt he got what he deserved, and was more than willing to send that package.  So…whose fault is it now?"

Snape stared wordlessly at Lupin for a moment, then he turned away and looked down.   "You really shouldn't blame yourself for anything you were forced to do while under the effects of Imperius, Lupin.  The blame always lies with the puppet master…not with the puppet."

Lupin nodded reluctantly.  "I know, but it feels like it was my fault.  The memories…and the guilt are mine.  I can't seem to shake them, no matter how hard I try."

Long moments of silence passed as they both struggled to put their guilt in perspective.

Finally, Snape sighed and turned once more to Lupin.  "All this self-recrimination isn't getting us anywhere, you realize."

Lupin leaned his head back against the stones.  "No, I suppose not.  What I'd really like to do is get my hands around Lucius Malfoy's throat.  It's funny…I've never ever actually wanted to kill anyone before, but at the moment, I could think of at least a dozen very painful ways to kill that bastard, and I'd get great pleasure out of putting any of them to use."

Snape snorted.  "A dozen, you say…amateur.  I know at least 200 excruciatingly painful ways of killing someone, and I can't think of anyone I'd rather try them out on at the moment than Lucius Malfoy."

Lupin grinned viciously.  "Okay…I'll bow to your superior knowledge in this area, but if you ever get the opportunity to try out even one of them…I get to help."

Snape grinned equally viciously.  "I'm sure I couldn't have a more able assistant."

Sobering, Lupin hesitated then said, "I assume you've already had this conversation with Evangeline."

Also sobering, Snape nodded.  "Yes."

"She didn't blame you, did she?"

Snape smiled wistfully and stared down at his hands in his lap.  "No, she didn't.  She's a kinder, more forgiving person than anyone I've ever known.  No matter what she suffers, she's always ready to forgive and look for the good in people.  Even in me."  He looked up.  "She doesn't blame you for any of this either, Lupin.  You must know that."

Lupin smiled.  "I do know that, Severus, and you're right, she is a very kind and generous person.  Much more so than either of us, I believe."

Snape nodded.  "Agreed." 

They sat there in silence for a few moments, and then Snape added, "You know there's a very compelling reason why I can't kill you, Lupin."

Lupin raised an eyebrow.  "Oh, why is that, Severus?"

Snape smiled.  "I'm getting married tomorrow, and I require a best man.  I really have neither the time nor the inclination to find another one.  Are you still willing to render me that service?"

Lupin sighed in relief, a huge weight lifted from his shoulders, and he found himself actually smiling in return.  "Certainly, Severus.  I'd be honored." 

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