THERE WILL COME SOFT RAIN
A Prelude to the Lost Souls Story Arcs
The short story below is a snapshot two years before the story arc Encounter of Lost Souls took place.
To the reader: there are references to cutting and suicide, or attempts to do so, within the text.
This story is dedicated to someone very dear to me...you know who you are, and may the message embedded in here reach you when you need it most - not just now, but each time you need it... To any and all readers of this story...this is for you as well!
Best regards,
PJ Zatken
The soft rain gently poured all over the lush grass.
However, the rain did not deter the black trench-coated solitary figure from staying outside to fulfill an annual mission. Her never-ending flow of salty tears now mixed with Heaven's own. The figure stood in that same spot for hours. Year after year, she did not care about getting soaked to the bone, staying unprotected in the rain, or the consequences that exposure to such weather would do to her health.
As she absent-mindedly stared at the gravestone before her, she instinctively played with the ornately-designed pendant from her necklace. Feeling the bumps from the stones and its outline between her thumb and index finger, fond and sad memories from her past were relived through that family heirloom.
Her six servants sadly gazed outside the window as their fourteen-year-old mistress chose the rain rather than the comforts of her palatial English countryside manor. As much as they wanted to help her by either giving her an umbrella, asking her to come inside, or even accompanying her in the rain, they knew that she wished to be alone. They knew that today was the fifth year that she had been adhering to this annual mission...five years that she had grown up so much...five years that she had forfeited her childhood...five years that she wallowed in matters that only she knew about, and had willingly done so at a heavy price that only she knew the truest extent or value.
This year's mission was different, though. On the outside, she was still the same person depending on occasion or circumstance - a calm person who was wise far beyond her years, a benevolent figure that generously offered a soft smile and an empathetic ear to anyone who might need it, an individual who stood tall and undaunted before anyone or anything, an enterprising and shrewd partner with a good head for business and diplomacy, or the beautiful and prim-and-proper young lady whose presence filled any room and made heads turn with her charm, talents, good breeding, and wit.
What everyone had seen on the outside, though, was only a small sliver of truth... Oh, how would she pay good money to see all the many faces to be made once the truth was exposed about what was really going on inside her.
To her, all of this wholesome image of a young woman who had achieved so much in such a short time in spite of tragic circumstances was simply one of the many masks that she had made for herself and had worn. The longer that she wore those masks, the more suffocating it became to the point that the thin lines between truth and lies were so grayed and blurred for her to know the difference.
She came home having gained and lost so much for the sake of that gain. Others might see her as a source of envy. To the very subject of said envy, though, everything and every single day had been lived as a dreadful necessity...for how can you envy someone who truthfully has nothing once the mask was taken off and the truth was there for all to see?
Upon her return to the home that she grew up in after many months of being away with whereabouts unknown, a heavier, darker, more desolate than usual air lingered with her. Those closest to her circle of trust knew and felt the full surfacing of that change, no matter how must she protected them by putting up a mostly impenetrable wall of silence and secrecy and hiding everything behind a mask of calm and smiles.
To that solitary figure, however, she was not alone. The weather and the rain mostly kept her company every year. After all, would you blame such grief from someone who lost her parents at age nine?
She placed a large bouquet of white lilies in front of the huge black marble gravestone that read:
Ariadne and Dylan Emrys
Beloved parents and beautiful angels
Under God's divine light, may you both rest in peace
We will miss you both dearly
Every year, she hoped that the scene was just part of a bad dream. How she wished that the gravesite she had been visiting for the past five years would suddenly have different names, or would simply vanish. For the past five years, however, those names were still there clearly etched on marble. It made her chest hurt making wishful thinkings and ending up with the hard acceptance that those names would always be there year after year.
"Happy Birthday, Mum. Happy Birthday, Dad…."
Although it was easier for her to accept that her parents were gone and that they were never coming back, her wishes still heavily weighed in her heart. How she wished that they were standing beside her right now. She wished that they were now together to celebrate this day at a happy note, as nature had truly intended. She wanted to talk with them, hug them, and tell them how much she loved them.
Instead, her parents' birthdays were equaled or even at times overshadowed by the ironic fact that they both died on the date of their birth.
As she realized that all the thoughts in her mind were idle wishes and the reality seeped into her bones and the core of her being, her knees grew weak and she fell hard on the ground. Anger and sadness burdened her heart. While the soft rain drenched her all over, she sobbed as she hit the muddy ground with her fists.
She bit her lower lip so hard until it bled as she murmured different variations of the words, "I'm so sorry... If it weren't for me, you two would still be alive... So let this - all of this - end tonight..."
"Em, dear... Dinner is ready..."
Minutes later, Alexandra Emrys slightly opened her bedroom door and peered outside. She gave her governess a faint smile. "Thank you, Nana May, but I'm retiring for the evening. Please let everyone know that I won't be joining everyone for dinner. I'm sorry."
May quietly took notice of Emrys' now-split lower lip and the raw state of her right hand which now had minor cuts. As May gazed into her young mistress' misty hazel-brown eyes, she asked, "Are you going to be all right, Child?"
A tight-lipped Emrys glanced downward and avoided her governess' eyes. She let out a subtle sigh before saying, "I will be, Nana. I will be. Thank you for asking. Please extend my apologies to everyone."
"How about tomorrow? What would you like for breakfast?" May gave her charge a soft, comforting smile. "I'll instruct the chef to make anything and everything you'd like to have. You know...a homecoming meal...to make up for you being gone, and for us missing you for so many months."
Falling silent for a long while, with her thoughts being farther from what was being asked for her to answer, Emrys replied, "I don't know. I don't feel like eating breakfast either. I can't even think about anything beyond now. I'm just too worn out, Nana...so I'm sorry if I've been scatter-brained since I got back."
"You have too many things on your mind as always," May commented after letting a sigh escape from her. "If you need anything, no matter what time, just let me know. You do promise me that...all right?"
The young lady just gazed into May's eyes, not saying a word or giving a gesture meant as a reply. All that she gave was a non-committal half-smile.
"Good night, Child..." The governess gave Emrys a subtly uneasy nod, torn between her desire to keep her charge company and the other's desire to be left alone. She then decided to honor Emrys' wish for solitude, and then headed downstairs to join the rest of her peers.
As May descended the stairs and marched towards the formal dining area, her heart grew heavier. Something in particular bothered and saddened her about her young mistress. She saw that subtle change in Emrys over the years, but this one in particular gripped her heart with fear. If it was true the eyes were the windows of the heart and soul, then the Emrys who stared back at her with the usual soft smile had no soul, heart, or life to speak of. She closed her eyes and offered a silent prayer as she heard the door to Emrys' master's bedroom close.
As Emrys locked her bedroom door, the tears that she withheld from May now flowed down her cheeks. She leaned against the door, closed her eyes tightly, clenched her fists, and fought to remain calm. Her right hand continued shaking as it held a switchblade. Her left hand pressed her freshly-wounded upper inner thigh, placing pressure to stop the throbbing and bleeding. The marbled floor, however, had evidence of what she had done.
More specifically, what Emrys had done against herself...
Instead of finding inner peace, Emrys' tears streamed down more freely as she looked up the ceiling. She kept wondering if life had to be such a seemingly-infinite uphill battle. Her chest felt heavier by the second as the tragedy at the caves of Thera repeated in an endless loop inside her head.
Eventually, Emrys could not take it anymore. Her body shook and her knees were about to give in, and so her back slid against her bedroom door. She sat agura-style on the marbled floor, dropped the switchblade, buried her face with her hands, and sobbed. She closed her eyes and went back to a time wherein she faced this horror before.
In Emrys' vivid memory, she followed her parents to the heart of the cave...
The walls shook and cracked once Emrys reunited with her parents. A mixture of gold, red, and green lights seeped through the cracks which filled the heart of the cave and blinded them. Thick fog also began to form on the ground. She felt as if the walls seemed to know her, thus unleashing their fury. The lights within the cave formed into three distinctly-colored bolts of lightning.
As each bolt hit Emrys' body, a tremendous surge of energy coursed through her. The intruding energy stirred both power and fear within her.
Ariadne screamed. Dylan carried Emrys with one arm while using his left hip to support his daughter's weight - all while he tugged Ariadne's hand with his free hand. They desperately and quickly darted away from the heart of the cave.
The cave walls rumbled more violently as if they were hurling rocks to prevent the family's escape. As they saw light from the cave's entrance, a huge boulder struck Dylan. The boulder's impact sent him ramming against the cave wall and had him hurling Emrys many feet closer to the mouth of the cave.
As Ariadne helped Dylan, she yelled for Emrys to run out to the cave.
Hesitantly, Emrys followed Ariadne's order. She ran as fast as her legs could take her until she got out of the cave.
Each second felt like an eternity for Emrys. Her eyes then went wide, her young heart jumped for joy once someone emerged from the cave.
Happiness, however, became short-lived as she gaped at the sight of a bloodied Ariadne dragging Dylan's lifeless body. She let out a bloodcurdling scream once her parents fell hard and dead on the ground.
Ever since that fateful day in Thera, things were never the same for Emrys. She kept a facade of strength for all to see, but she was deeply hurt and constantly longed for her parents. That day changed her in so many ways, for it endowed her with so many gifts yet at the price of her parents' lives and her peace of mind. In her heart, she would give up all of her achievements if it meant that she could change the past. To her, the gifts that allowed her to gain those achievements much easier than others were more of a curse or a supernaturally-endowed convenience to get to her goals.
The morbid thoughts that Emrys fought all this time now seeped through and resided within her. The dankness of her spirit then spread from the core through every fiber of her being.
Emrys removed her hand from her face and stared into empty space. Once she rested her hands by her sides as she sat on the marbled floor, her right hand rested on the switchblade beside her. Instantaneously, she became more attuned to her throbbing left upper thigh.
While Emrys' eyes were shut, the racing of her heart came in sync with the throbbing of her self-inflicted wound. A soft sob escaped her as she clutched the switchblade beside her once more and thought, "Let it be all over tonight...please... I'm... I'm just..."
Emrys' head felt as if it was about to explode as an internal debate unraveled. The storm within her mind and heart violently came on as three main thoughts entered her mind. The first thought argued that suicide was the only way to end her pain. The second thought admonished that ending one's own life was a sin punishable by eternal hell. It further warned her that if she did kill herself, she would never be with her parents again. The third countered that she was already in hell because of her pain, so suicide would not matter anymore to the damned.
Emrys came home today not only to pay respect to her parents, but to seek something...anything... As to what that something or anything was, and what that something or anything would do for her was lost to her - greatly and heavily complementing the hollow sense of loss that had taken deeper root inside her. She stood in the middle of a figurative crossroads, that very spot in where she stood now also serving as a deep pit. There was nowhere to go, and there was nothing to see from where she now was in all aspects of her being.
Something – anything – must be done to stop those morbid thoughts from seeping in...
Shuddering with such rage, sadness, and guilt, Emrys flung the switchblade at the far corner of her room. The switchblade deeply embedded into the wood-paneled wall.
Releasing such an embittered sigh, Emrys stood up, walked to her bathroom, and washed her face in hopes to shake of any dismal thoughts. As she reached for the towel and patted her wet face, her hazel-brown gaze rested at the bathtub that now contained crimson-colored water. Remembering the many times that she cut herself in the same spot for many years and again tonight, she mused with a heavy heart, "Damned if I do it. Damned if I don't…."
Emrys normally chose one of the four activities to clear her head: go to the balcony and get some fresh air, retreat inside her soundproof music room and play the piano for hours, work through her collection of duel monster cards, and write down her most intimate thoughts inside her journal. The first activity already failed in pacifying her soul tonight. The second option would not work for she felt too drained to go downstairs for the piano.
And so Emrys made her decision. She walked towards her desk, sat down, grabbed the key inside her nightstand drawer, and then pulled out five thick leather binders from her antique mahogany armoire. Each leather binder was full of duel monster cards arranged in protective plastic page sleeves.
During the three hours that Emrys had sorted through her collection, she reminisced how she built dueling decks with her parents. Aside from dueling basics and strategies, her parents taught her an important principle from them. The concept not only applied in dueling but in life as well.
The heart of the cards...
Once Emrys finished assembling a new deck, she stopped sorting through her cards and closed her eyes.
Since Emrys' forced self-initiation to adulthood, many scoffed at the idea that a duel monster card had a heart. Most of those people were avid gamers like her parents, but she would not call them true duelists. She believed that harmony must exist between the duelist and his deck before the two become one. To her, the belief in the heart of the cards was what separated her parents and a few of their colleagues from the others.
Emrys opened her eyes once more and stared at the deck she just constructed. Even though the deck that she now held in her hands was one of many, she nonetheless gave it the same respect and appreciation emanating from within her. As she stared at her deck, she broke into a soft smile – something she had not done in weeks. It was also the first smile in weeks that generated true warmth coming from inside. Addressing her deck, she said, "You and I will fight together one of these days. When that day comes, we will prevail."
Before Emrys sat down at her desk to write in her journal, she placed the duel monster cards in their respective sleeved binders. She returned the binders along with her new deck inside the mahogany armoire.
Once the task was done, Emrys sat back down and stared at her journal for many hours. Eventually deciding to write whatever came to her mind and heart, she picked up the pen and scribbled...
Dear Mum and Dad:
Birthdays were always big events in our family. However, it's hard to celebrate a birthday – let alone two – if the celebrants aren't here to enjoy them with you. It's killing me inside to know that you're both never coming back to me.
Please don't be disappointed with me. I promise that it will get better for me as the years pass by. It's just harder to deal with on some days...days such as today.
Today, of all days, I am having such a hard time dealing and accepting everything that had happened to the three of us. I'm at the end of my rope, I'm afraid. A part of me, as small as it might be, wants to see beyond what happened that day and what I chose to become in my efforts to fight what Fate dealt our family.
I'm sorry for the many times that I have been weak. I'm sorry if I've been rash and ungrateful. I'm sorry for going to places and delving into things that I wasn't supposed to, even if they were all done with the best of intentions. For the sacrifices that you have made for me, especially on the day that I've both lost you, I owe it to both of you to live my life to the fullest. I need to cherish the life that flows within my veins.
It was just like yesterday when I saw you two together. I remember how the two of you cuddled by the window while looking at the stars. I remember how you two danced while ballroom music played in the background. I recall how you two gazed into each other's eyes. Everyone knew...I knew... that you two loved each other so much. You were meant to be with each other. Just imagine sharing the same birthday with the one you love. It was kismet, was it not?
If you ask me, I have no doubt that everything about both of you was kismet….
Remembering how you were with each other always made me wish for the same thing. How I wish that I would meet and fall in love with the person I'm meant to share my entire life with – my soul mate. I'd like to share such loving and heartfelt moments with him. The more that I think about it, though, I couldn't help but think that I'm not capable of experiencing or giving love so unconditionally...so as much as I laugh at myself for the irony of it all, somewhere deep down I still wish...hope...for such an experience...
At this point in my life, it doesn't matter if the love would be towards another person or an endeavor. I want someone...or something...that I could hold on to, claim it as my own, and give meaning and direction since I see none for myself.
Do I really deserve the fruition of this wish of mine? Would I really want someone who I love with all my heart to know and suffer along with me? As dismal as life seems to be for me, a small part of me still yearns to make this dream come true. I yearn to love someone and to be loved in return…. For one to love another unconditionally and unequivocally is a risky but euphoric experience. It's euphoric due to the joy that being together with the one you love brings, but it's risky because you would never know how long it would last.
Does it really matter how long love would last? I came back knowing that there is something beyond life...that life doesn't end in death. As to what the totality of that truth is, no one could possibly comprehend - no matter how much one has access to all that forbidden knowledge.
I wonder and am angered as to why Fate had to be both loving and cruel. A good example was you two. First, she linked two people who were meant to be together for the rest of their lives. Afterwards, she tore them away from their loved ones so soon. You two are together now, but I'm here in the realm of the living...wondering about many things while missing both of you dearly.
I just wish that someday soon, I would find purpose in living my life. I'd like to do this not just for you alone but for me as well. It would take time, though, before I could think of you without being sad.
Maybe someday, I will find my purpose in this world and be ready for it. I don't know whether my fate lies in re-exploring the caves at Thera, excavating other archaeological finds, dueling, or becoming a loving wife and a doting parent.
...Or maybe me being simply a person whose life and legacy you would both be proud of...
All I know is that I desperately need to be at peace with your death and its repercussions. As of now, I just don't know how to do it…. I'm so tired. I'm so lost.
Would it be too selfish of me to think...to want...a way out and to look forward?
Whatever my fate might be, I have to do a better job in reminding myself to be thankful for the short time that we had together. I've long forgotten how to be grateful, and to trust in what plans life has in store for me. I'll always remember what you both told me from time to time – it's the quality that matters, not the quantity. I hope that one day, I'd make you both proud of me. I hope that one day, I'd find my moral compass so that I wouldn't feel so lost anymore.
Mum, Dad... I wish you both a Happy Birthday. You will always be in my heart and mind and I will always love you both….
A myriad of emotions stirred inside Emrys as she placed down her calligraphy pen and skimmed through her journal entry.
Closing her eyes, a few more teardrops flowed down Emrys' cheeks. While her eyes were shut, her senses diverted their attention to the pouring rain outside the window.
In Emrys' most desolate hour, she did something that she had not done for a long time...
As scary at it was for Emrys, she tapped into the core of her being to remind herself of days wherein her parents told her before bed to pray. She pushed that fear of hers deep inside. Her tears finally streamed down her cheek as she mumbled, "I just don't know where to go. All the knowledge in the world and realms above, below, and in-between, I don't know what to do. I haven't talked with You for a long time...and if I inadvertently have talked to You, I didn't know any better. Almost every year since they died, You've always sent Your rain to be with me. I'm so sorry if I strayed from You for so long. I'm so ashamed of many things. I was thinking that a fair God wouldn't take away a parent from a child so soon, let alone two. I kept questioning You as to why things happened the way that they did. All these years, I pulled away from You as far as possible, purposefully looking for the answers in the darkness. I made it my life's work to undo what You did to them. I'm so sorry for having offended You so many times. I do hope that You would forgive me for everything that I've done that I shouldn't have done. Forgive me as well for everything that I didn't do that I should've done. In all the arrogance, selfishness, and pain, I never realized one truth that I somewhat know now. It's a small seed, but please...with Your help...let it grow and fill me..."
After a long period of silence, Emrys added, "As much as there would be more days such as today, I entrust everything to You. Please strengthen and guide me, especially on days such as today."
Many minutes had passed before Emrys moved. As she closed her journal, she pondered on the promise of future inner peace. "Maybe not now, but someday soon – whatever and whenever it may be…. In the meantime, I need to be open to whatever life has in store for me... for them and for me..."
Until that awaited moment, the soft rains would come and console Emrys on days such as today. The soft rains from Heaven would remind her that she would never be alone in her journey. One small seed of truth was now revealed to her in her most desolate of hours. She never had been alone to begin with, and she only needed to open up her eyes and heart to know and understand that truth...
End of Short Story – There Will Come Soft Rain
Normal Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh is the copyrighted property of Kazuki Takahashi. This fan fiction, Alexandra Emrys, Dylan Emrys, Ariadne Emrys, and May belong to PJ Zatken.