TITLE: No Doubt, Any Time
BY: Nicolle Brandle
DISCLAIMER: The Ronin Warriors/Yoroiden Samurai Troopers belong to Sunrise. The songs and lyrics "Tragic Kingdom," "Spiderwebs," "Just a Girl," and "Sunday Morning" belong to No Doubt. Please do not sue me. I can barely afford student loans and a wedding as it is.
Spiderwebs
Salak leaned back against the gate. His bloated body about to explode from the massive amounts of popcorn he had consumed. "I'll have my revenge! If I can ever stand again..."
Part Seven:
You think that we connect.
Mandala laid asleep on the sofa, her head resting on Dais' shoulder. Her long brown hair had been carefully laid over her shoulder so as not to get tangled while she napped. Dais looked
up from the book, his eye following the trail of her hair. He looked up at Anubis, whose red top was bent over a book.
"Anubis!" Dais whispered loudly. Anubis peered over the top of his book, only letting his blue-green eyes show. "Look! 'Porphyra's Lover!'" Dais picked up Mandala's hair and wrapped it around her neck.
"Her hair isn't long enough, Cyclopes. Porphyra's Lover wrapped her hair around her neck three times to strangle her." He looked back down at his book.
Dais sighed and sat back. "Sometimes I wonder if you're even thinking on the same wavelengths as the rest of us, Shuten." Anubis looked up at the sound of his birth name. He set his book down.
"You think that we all connect? That the chemistry between us Ma Sho is correct? Dais, your words walk right through my ears." Anubis picked the book back up and turned the page. "Presuming I like what I hear."
"Rhymes are not part of this complete conversasion, Douji," Dais said. Anubis looked back up, eyes narrowed to slits.
"It's the fact that we don't connect and that we are all so different from each other that makes us strong," Kyra said as she came into the room. She sat down next to Anubis on the love seat.
Anubis looked at Kyra. "Are you saying that we work well together because we all drive each other nuts?"
"We don't drive each other nuts," Kyra said.
Anubis and Dais looked at each other. "Oh, yes we do!" they both said.
"We've been stuck together for four hundred years now, guys. We're all still sane," Kyra said.
Anubis put his arm around Kyra's shoulders. "I'm sane, but I can't say the same for Dais."
"Hey!" Dais stood and Mandala fell to the sofa. Mandala opened her eyes and sat up. She looked around the den. Then her hand went to her neck.
"Why is my hair wrapped around my neck?"
Part Eight:
Presuming I like what I hear.
Salak crawled across the ground, his bloated stomach slowing him down. He crawled a bit further and found he was at the top of a hill. He tried to position himself to slide down the hill, but slipped in the mud and slid down on his face. He looked up at the castle the warlords of Talpa lived in.
"I've got you now," he said, then the smell hit him. He looked down and found he had slid into a pile of horse shit. He screamed in frustration.
"Did you hear something?" Cale asked.
Sekhemt looked up from his lunch of bird eggs and small animals. "No. Cale, are you hearing things again? What have I told you about sniffing the lotus flowers?"
Suddenly a book went screaming through the air to smack Cale in the back. "Stop it! Dammit!" Anubis yelled.
"How does he throw things so accurately like that?"
The bookmark that went with the book suddenly came flying through the door and gave Sekhmet a paper cut across the knuckles. Not paying attention, he knocked his tea over. The lemon sitting on the edge of the cup fell onto the cut, letting lemon juice drip in. "OUCH!!!!!"
"What's going on in here..." Kyra trailed off as she looked in the door. She immediately assumed nothing was alright when she saw Sekhmet running around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off, his cut hand flailing, and Cale trying to massage his back against the wall.
Kyra pushed Sekhmet into a chair and took his hand. She poured some fresh water over the cut. Sekhmet yelled and pushed Kyra away. She kicked him in the shin. "Baby! Settle down! It's only a paper cut!"
Kyra turned and grabbed Cale. She sat him down in the nearest chair and pulled his kimono down low on his back. Kyra rubbed Cale's back until it no longer stung from the book wound.
Anubis and Dais ran into the kitchen to see what Kyra was yelling about.
"Kyra! Are you cheating on me?" Dais asked, watching her massage Cale's back.
"Kyra cheating on you? I can't even imagine Kyra kissing you let alone going out with you. You'd have a better chance with Cale, Spiderman," Anubis said.
"I'd like to see that!" Kyra leaned back against the kitchen counter. "Dais and Cale kissing!"
"WHAT?!?" Dais and Cale said.
"No way," Cale said.
"Come on, guys. Any man secure in their heterosexuality would have no problem kissing another man. Unless your both afraid that you might have homosexual tendencies," Anubis said.
"You're secure in your sexuality? Prove it!" Cale said.
Anubis grabbed Dais and kissed him. Dais pushed Anubis away and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "See? Nothing to it," Anubis said.
"I can't believe he just did that," Sekhmet said.
"Do we now have to worry about you now, Anubis?" Cale asked.
"No you don't," Kyra said, "None of you can compare to me." Kyra grabbed Anubis and kissed him. "He's mine."
"Do I get a say in this?" Anubis asked.
"No."
"Okay."
"What about me?" Cale asked Kyra.
"Oh, Cale! You can't tell me you *don't* find Dais attractive!" Kyra said.
Mandala came into the kitchen. "I really don't want to know. I just want a cup of tea." She poured herself some tea and headed for the door.
"Wait!" Kyra called, "Don't you think Dais is attractive?" she asked Mandala.
Mandala looked at Kyra. "To be perfectly honest, I find Shuten attractive."
"Anubis is a chick-magnet?" Cale asked, confused.
"He's intelligent, loves to read and write, an excellent fighter, and..., well..., beautiful," Mandala said. She blushed a bright pink color and ran out of the kitchen with her tea.
Sekhmet went out of the kitchen and came back in with a shovel.
"Go on, Cale! Kiss him!" Kyra said.
"Only if you'll kiss me, Kyra," Cale said.
"I am not kissing him," Dais said.
"Don't hit on Kyra," Anubis said.
"Yes you will kiss him," Kyra told Dais.
"NO!" both said.
"Anubis could do it, you can too," Kyra said.
"Anubis is starting to worry me," Cale said.
"Would you stop worrying if I took Kyra to bed?" Anubis asked.
Everyone looked at Anubis.
Salak inched his bloated way closer to the castle. He slid down into the moat and was surprised when he didn't sink.
"Cellulite floats," he figured.
He started swimming toward the castle. Suddenly the Lady of the Moat lifted the Hardrock/Halo/Turrent sword in the air and right through Salak's bloated middle. His stomach burst open and he flew out of the water and around the castle, not unlike a cartoon balloon.
"I thought we had agreed to stay out of that situation," Dais said.
"This has nothing to do with an actual love relationship," Anubis said.
"But would you have one with me?" Kyra asked.
"I would," Cale said. He took Kyra in his arms and kissed her passionately.
"I don't understand this," Sekhmet said.
"As if you hadn't seen this coming," Dais said.
"Well, no actually. You're the only one here who makes prophecies, Dais."
"Oh."
"Besides, I was talking about the conversasion. Not them."
"That started when Dais asked if Kyra was cheating on him...HEY! Will you two stop now?!" Anubis yelled. Cale had lifted Kyra up and had her back to the wall for support, her kimono slowly riding up her legs.
"Oh, sorry," Cale and Kyra said. Cale put Kyra down and they both smoothed out their kimonos.
"Besides, what about the rest of us?" Dais said.
"I'm not sharing," Kyra said.
"Eewww..." Sekhmet said.
"That coming from a man who breeds *with* reptiles," Anubis said.
"Watch it, Carrot!"
"That's it," Dais said, "We're all out of here and I mean now."
"What?" Kyra said.
"We're going to drive ourselves nuts like this. Let's go do something that doesn't involve me kissing Cale or Kyra on the kitchen table," Dais said, "Come on, lets go see if Salak ate his way out of the popcorn yet."
Part Nine:
Sorry I'm not home right now.
The Lady of the Moat threw the sword to Dara. It cut his head off because he was too busy watching Salak fly through the air. The sword and Dara's head landed in Gash's hands.
Cale helped pull Kyra up into the saddle of the horse with him. She sat in fromt of him and settled back against his chest.
"What happened to your horse, Kyra?" Cale asked.
"Aaa... Bindi got sick with horse flu."
"Horse Shit!" Dais said.
"I thought it was bullshit," Sekhmet said.
"No, it's horse shit because it's a horse, not a..." Sekhmet gave Dais a blank look. "Nevermind," Dais said.
"Let's be off then," Anubis said.
They were soon at the gate. The popcorn was gone. "Did he really eat it all?" Anubis wondered. "What do you think, Kyra?" When Kyra didn't answer, Dais turned in his saddle, "KAYURA!"
Cale and Kyra quickly broke their kiss. "Uh, sorry," Cale said.
"Kyra, get off his horse. You're riding with me," Dais said.
"Anubis... Don't let Dais make me..." Kyra whined.
"Get your punk ass over here, little girl," Anubis said. Kyra sighed and dismounted from Cale's horse. Dais pulled her up into the saddle behind him. "Now, where's Salak?"
Salak, not knowing of any other way to get in, walked up to the castle door and knocked. It was answered by demon. "Yes?"
"I, uh, am looking for Dais."
"Sorry, he's not home right now. It would appear him and the other warlords are walking into spiderwebs. So leave a message with me and I'll make sure he'll call you back."
"A likely story," Salak said.
"Would you like to leave a message or not," the demon said, impatiently.
Suddenly Salak's head fell into the demon's arms. Gash kicked Salak's dead body out of the way and said, "I'd like to leave a message. Tell Anubis that Gash is Back and Ready for Action." Gash then turned and jumped, flipping over in the air. He really did like inhabitting this new body.
Part Ten:
And it's all your fault.
"Okay. I guess it's safe to assume that Salak isn't here," Cale said.
"Yeah, he's probably the size of a small hot air balloon right now," Dais said.
"If that's the case, then that's his trail right there," Anubis said, pointing to the mud slide.
"How old is the trail?" Kyra asked. Cale looked her, and they locked eyes.
"Oh, gods, not again," Dais muttered. "CALE!"
"Huh?" Cale shook his head.
"They look fresh, probably from this morning," Anubis said.
"He could have gotten to the castle by now!" Sekhmet yelled.
They spurred their horses off, heading for home at top speed.
Gash sat on the edge of the bridge over the moat and waited for Anubis to return.
As the warlords approached the castle, nothing seemed amiss. The put their horses in the stable. And to Dais' surprise, Kyra's horse, Bindi, did have the flu. They walked inside.
"Master Anubis," the demon called from the hall.
"Yes?" Anubis said.
"A man came here for you."
Anubis looked at the demon. "Who? One of the Ronin Warriors?"
"No. He just said to tell you that Gash is Back and Ready for Action."
"Gash...? GASH!" Anubis pulled the armor orb of loyalty out of his pocket. "Loyalty! To Arms!" His subarmor suddenly encased his body. "Armor of Cruelty! DOU CHU!" Anubis' armor of cruelty appeared and Anubis was suddenly, the visage of death.
"Anubis?" Dais said, "Why did you suit up?"
"I'll explain in as soon as I'm back." Anubis opened the front door and ran out onto the bridge only to come to a halt at the sight of the Bandicoot. It stood.
"I am Gash Bandicoot."
"What the HELL happened to you?"
"After you killed me, my spirit took over the body of this brainless fool."
"Why that ugly thing? At least if you took over Kento of
Hardrock's body, you would have looked somewhat human."
"This is all YOUR fault! If you hadn't killed me the first time, I wouldn't be stuck in this spiderweb!"
"HEY!" Dais yelled from the door.
"Because of you, Anubis, I have nightmares of you running me through the back. Your visage wakes me in my sleep at night. My dreams become nightmares, 'cause the sound of your voice is ringing in my ears!"
"Don't blame it on me, furball. You're the one who gave me no choice. It was either you or Mia and Yulie."
"But you ran me through the back!"
"Oh, is that all your complaining about. Okay, I'll fix that now." Anubis swung the chain of his kusari-gama and it wrapped around Gash Bandicoot's neck. He pulled Gash to him and slash him open, his intestines decorating the bridge. "Happy now?"
"Yeah...thanks man..." Gash fell to the bridge, dead.
"Now, where the hell is Salak?" The demon came forward. He held Salak's head out to Anubis. "Uh, give that to Dais. He can frame it." The demon gave him a strange look and left. "Now what's left?"
"ANUBIS!!!" Kyra screamed. Anubis turned and ran back into the castle. Cale had Kyra up against the wall. Sekhmet was... well, use your imagination, but keep in mind that he likes reptiles. Anubis reach in the pocket of his armor and pulled out a can of whoop-ass. He opened it and threw the contents of the can unto Cale and Sekhmet. They both fell to the floor helpless.
"I can't leave any of you people alone for two minutes can I?" Anubis asked. Kyra took his hand.
"Get that armor off, pretty boy."
"Why?"
"So it's easier to kick your ass."
"WHY?!?"
"I wanted you to get rid of Sekhmet, not Cale!"
"Wait a minute. You could have beaten Sekhmet to a bloody pulp easily. Why did you want me to get rid of him?"
"Get your armor off."
"Are you saying you can't fight me with my armor on? That's not the Kyra I know."
"Listen, why don't we go upstairs to do this."
"You're scaring me, Kyra. What's going on?"
"I'm not Kyra."
"What?" The world suddenly went black for Anubis.