Survival of the dim-witted
Zell: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to "Survivor XXIX: Survival of the dim- witted." I'm your host, Zell, the best fighter in the entire Final Fantasy Series. This season you will see characters from every RPG imaginable pitted against each other in the strangest and most atrocious ways possible. Now let's go to our co-host, who's going to introduce our first five contestants, Lucca!
Lucca: Thank you, Zell.
Zell: any time.
Lucca: Hello everyone, I'm going to be your co-host for the season, and if something strange or ghastly happens to our host, I shall take over the host's duties, and a person selected by the board will the my spot as co- host. Now without further ado, here are our first five contestants! Our first contestant, from Final Fantasy I, Introducing.Fighter! Welcome to Survivor XXIX, fighter.
Fighter: I like Swords.
Lucca: Lovely. So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Fighter: A gigantic, golden sword.
Lucca: Good Luck. And now, our second contestant, from Kingdom Hearts, please welcome. Sora!
Sora: Hi there.
Lucca: Welcome to Survivor XXIX, Sora. What's new with you?
Sora: Well, my psychologist and I have just finished working out my pyromania.
Lucca: pyromania?
Sora: Yeah, Doc said if I get the urge to set something on fire to ask for some gum.
Lucca: Okay then. So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Sora: I'm going to attach it to my keyblade.
Lucca: Cool. And now, are third contestant, from my home world, Chrono Trigger, a good friend, Frog! Good to see you again, frog.
Frog: Ditto. Lucca: So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Frog: Wart Cream.
Lucca: You certainly need it. Here's our fourth contestant, from Final Fantasy 6, the demonic desperado, Kefka. Welcome to Survivor XXIX.
Kefka: When I'm through with it, there won't be any survivors.
Lucca: Ha! Good one. So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Kefka: World Domination!!!
Lucca: Well, good luck. And lastly, from F.F 7, The Mysterious rebel, Cloud! Nice to meet you Cloud.
Cloud: .
Lucca: Cloud? Hello?
Cloud: What?
Lucca: Hi! So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Cloud: Somewhere where I can be alone.
Lucca: You should work on your people skills, dude. Anywho, that's the list! Back to you, Zell!
Zell: Thanks, Lucca. Now I'll go over the rules. There are 20 contestants. Each contest will be counted eliminated if they exhibit any of these three things: The person dies. They were eliminated in the vote-off. They quit. They survive on the island, we play a few games, people are eliminated, and the last person remaining gets the money.
Lucca: Pretty damn self-explanatory, huh?
Zell: Right, now let's get show started!
Lucca: Good Luck, everyone!
Narrator (Robo): Day 1. The contestants are settling in, and getting to know each other.
Sora: Hi there, I'm Sora.
Kefka: Up yours, Kid.
Frog: Pleased to meet you, Cloud.
Cloud: Um.hi.
Fighter: I like swords!
Frog: Nice to know.
Fighter: I like you sword, cloud.
Cloud: Er.thanks.
Zell: All right everybody, the first immunity game is about to begin, so get ready.
Frog: Immunity?
Zell: Yeah, if you win, we cast a spell on you so you can't get killed or voted off.
Sora: Wow! I've gotta win!
Zell: okay people, line up on the starting line. The first immunity game is a race. Whoever wins gets the immunity. Ready? Set? Go!
Sora: Stopra!
(In a brilliant Flash, Everyone except Sora in frozen in place. Sora simply walks to the finish line.)
Zell: The winner, Sora! You win the immunity!
(Lucca appears and cast a spell on Sora. Sora becomes invincible.)
Cloud: What the hell?
Kefka: You damn kid! If you weren't invincible, I'd.I'd-
(Kefka unsheathes his sword and swings it and Sora. It goes right through Sora and strikes Frog's tongue.)
Kefka: Do that!
Frog: Vu Vasvard! Vu thut ov thy vongue! (You Bastard! You cut off my tongue!)
Kefka: Shut up, wart face!
Zell: Er.we'll be back after this commercial break; so don't go away.
Zell: Welcome back to Survivor XXIX, Survival of the dim-witted. Tonight we've already seen some spectacular stuff; such as Sora winning the round immunity. Now I'm sure you don't wanna hear me talking, so let's go to the island!
Narrator (Robo): Day 2, the contestants are already having little arguments with each other.
Fighter: Hey everybody! Check out my impression of a sword!
(Fighter stands stiff as a board and makes a "ching" noise.)
Cloud: Ug.Does he ever shut up.
Kefka: Yes, but only when this fool's babbling.
Frog: They! Vefva! Vi'm vot vroo vith vu! Vook vat vee ven Vi'm valkving voo vu! (Hey! Kefka! I'm not through with you! Look at me when I'm talking to you!)
Kefka: Damnit, Frog! Don't make me cut out your vocal cords!
Frog: Vovey. (Okay)
Lucca: Hi, everybody!
Fighter: Ching! Hi Lucca! Ching!
Lucca: Is everybody ready for the vote-off?
Kefka: As ready as hell.
Lucca: Okay then! Everybody come with me! Except you, Sora.
Sora: Aw.In that case, I'm gonna go find some matches.
(All the contestants follow Lucca to a room with a time portal thingy and a voting booth.)
Lucca: Alright everyone! This is the vote-off room.
Fighter: Swordsy.
Lucca: Fighter, come and cast your vote. As he's voting, let's watch the conversation we had with him about the other contestants.
(Tape starts in a dark room with Zell and Fighter.)
Zell: So Fighter, what are your thoughts on the other contestants?
Fighter: Well.I like Cloud because he's got a big sword. I like swords.
Zell: Uh-huh.right.
Fighter: Wanna see my impressions of a sword?
Zell: No!!!
Fighter: Okay then!
(Fighter does his sword pose.)
Zell: Stop that!
Fighter: Ching!
(Zell hits Fighter with a one-two punch. Tape ends.)
Lucca (to Zell): Zell! You weren't supposed to hit him!
Zell: You try sitting in a room with him for 5 minutes!
Fighter: I'm finished!
Lucca: Goodie! In that case, Kefka, come and cast your vote. As he's voting, let's watch the conversation we had with him about the other contestants.
(Tape starts in a dark room with Zell and Kefka.)
Zell: So Kefka, What are your thoughts of the other contestants?
Kefka: A bunch of egotistical bastards without any brains. Especially Fighter.
Zell: Wow. Them's fightin' words!
Kefka: Damn Straight.
Zell: Thank you for your time.
Kefka: Whatever.
(Tape ends.)
Lucca: How the voting coming, Keffie?
Kefka: Don't ever call me that again! I'm finished, so leave me the hell alone!
Lucca: Heh.okay then. Er.Frog, could you come here and cast your vote.
Frog: Thur. (Sure.)
Lucca: As he's voting, let's watch the conversation we had with him about the other contestants.
(Tape starts in its usual way.)
Zell: Frog, what are your thoughts on the other contestants.
Frog: Vey thall vreat vee thike thrap. (They all treat me like crap.)
Zell: How's the tongue?
Frog: Vat Vongue?!? (What Tongue?!?)
Zell: Thanks for your time.
Frog: Vor Velcome. (You're Welcome.)
(tape ends.)
Lucca: All done, Frog?
Frog: Thep. (Yep.)
Lucca: In that case, Cloud, you're up!
Cloud:.
Lucca: And again, as he's voting, let's watch the conversation we had with him about the other contestants.
(tape starts in its usual way.)
Zell: Hello, Cloud.
Cloud:.
Zell: Cloud?
Cloud:.
Zell: Oh, the hell with it.
(tape ends.)
Lucca: Are you done yet Cl-
Cloud: Yes.
Lucca: Let's hear the votes then. Cloud?
Cloud: I vote off Fighter, because he's dumber than a rock.
Fighter: You mean sword?
Cloud: See!
Zell: Alright. Alright. Frog, your vote?
Frog: Vi thote voff Vefva, vas the's va vajor thain vin va vass. (I vote off Kefka, 'cause he's a major pain in the ass.)
Lucca: okay! Kefka?
Kefka: I vote off Frog, 'cause HE'S a major pain in the ass.
Frog: Vake Vat Thack, vu vass-thown! (Take that back, you ass-clown!)
Kefka: That's it!
(Kefka pulls out in sword and stabs Frog in the eyes, which blinds him.)
Frog: Vy theyes! Vy theyes! (My eyes! My eyes!)
Zell: With Kefka, Frog and you, Fighter, having one point, it's all down to you.
Fighter: Behold! The vote!
(Fighter holds up his sign. It reads "fighter")
Zell: You idiot! Why would you vote yourself off?
Fighter: oh.I thought we were supposed to write our own name.
Zell: With two points, Fighter is eliminated. You drawn your last sword, Fighter.
Fighter: Sword? Where?
Zell: Lucca, activate the time portal.
(Lucca throws a switch on the Time Portal Thingy. The machine gives off a bluish glow and show the distant future.)
Zell: Hop in, Fighter. There's a lot of swords there.
Fighter: Swords! Sword!!!
(Fighter jumps in the portal. Lucca pushes a button on the machine.)
Lucca: And now, I get to introduce the contestant taking Fighter's place, and he is....
(Steel Drum-roll)
Lucca: From Final Fantasy Six, Last Year's annual "worldwide poker game" winner, Setzer!
(Stezer steps out of time portal thingy.)
Stezer: Who wants to play a game of Blackjack?
Cloud: Oh great, another mindless creep.
Zell: That concludes tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, see you tomorrow!
Lucca: Bye-bye!
Zell: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to "Survivor XXIX: Survival of the dim- witted." I'm your host, Zell, the best fighter in the entire Final Fantasy Series. This season you will see characters from every RPG imaginable pitted against each other in the strangest and most atrocious ways possible. Now let's go to our co-host, who's going to introduce our first five contestants, Lucca!
Lucca: Thank you, Zell.
Zell: any time.
Lucca: Hello everyone, I'm going to be your co-host for the season, and if something strange or ghastly happens to our host, I shall take over the host's duties, and a person selected by the board will the my spot as co- host. Now without further ado, here are our first five contestants! Our first contestant, from Final Fantasy I, Introducing.Fighter! Welcome to Survivor XXIX, fighter.
Fighter: I like Swords.
Lucca: Lovely. So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Fighter: A gigantic, golden sword.
Lucca: Good Luck. And now, our second contestant, from Kingdom Hearts, please welcome. Sora!
Sora: Hi there.
Lucca: Welcome to Survivor XXIX, Sora. What's new with you?
Sora: Well, my psychologist and I have just finished working out my pyromania.
Lucca: pyromania?
Sora: Yeah, Doc said if I get the urge to set something on fire to ask for some gum.
Lucca: Okay then. So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Sora: I'm going to attach it to my keyblade.
Lucca: Cool. And now, are third contestant, from my home world, Chrono Trigger, a good friend, Frog! Good to see you again, frog.
Frog: Ditto. Lucca: So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Frog: Wart Cream.
Lucca: You certainly need it. Here's our fourth contestant, from Final Fantasy 6, the demonic desperado, Kefka. Welcome to Survivor XXIX.
Kefka: When I'm through with it, there won't be any survivors.
Lucca: Ha! Good one. So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Kefka: World Domination!!!
Lucca: Well, good luck. And lastly, from F.F 7, The Mysterious rebel, Cloud! Nice to meet you Cloud.
Cloud: .
Lucca: Cloud? Hello?
Cloud: What?
Lucca: Hi! So, what'll you spend the 50 million dollars on?
Cloud: Somewhere where I can be alone.
Lucca: You should work on your people skills, dude. Anywho, that's the list! Back to you, Zell!
Zell: Thanks, Lucca. Now I'll go over the rules. There are 20 contestants. Each contest will be counted eliminated if they exhibit any of these three things: The person dies. They were eliminated in the vote-off. They quit. They survive on the island, we play a few games, people are eliminated, and the last person remaining gets the money.
Lucca: Pretty damn self-explanatory, huh?
Zell: Right, now let's get show started!
Lucca: Good Luck, everyone!
Narrator (Robo): Day 1. The contestants are settling in, and getting to know each other.
Sora: Hi there, I'm Sora.
Kefka: Up yours, Kid.
Frog: Pleased to meet you, Cloud.
Cloud: Um.hi.
Fighter: I like swords!
Frog: Nice to know.
Fighter: I like you sword, cloud.
Cloud: Er.thanks.
Zell: All right everybody, the first immunity game is about to begin, so get ready.
Frog: Immunity?
Zell: Yeah, if you win, we cast a spell on you so you can't get killed or voted off.
Sora: Wow! I've gotta win!
Zell: okay people, line up on the starting line. The first immunity game is a race. Whoever wins gets the immunity. Ready? Set? Go!
Sora: Stopra!
(In a brilliant Flash, Everyone except Sora in frozen in place. Sora simply walks to the finish line.)
Zell: The winner, Sora! You win the immunity!
(Lucca appears and cast a spell on Sora. Sora becomes invincible.)
Cloud: What the hell?
Kefka: You damn kid! If you weren't invincible, I'd.I'd-
(Kefka unsheathes his sword and swings it and Sora. It goes right through Sora and strikes Frog's tongue.)
Kefka: Do that!
Frog: Vu Vasvard! Vu thut ov thy vongue! (You Bastard! You cut off my tongue!)
Kefka: Shut up, wart face!
Zell: Er.we'll be back after this commercial break; so don't go away.
Zell: Welcome back to Survivor XXIX, Survival of the dim-witted. Tonight we've already seen some spectacular stuff; such as Sora winning the round immunity. Now I'm sure you don't wanna hear me talking, so let's go to the island!
Narrator (Robo): Day 2, the contestants are already having little arguments with each other.
Fighter: Hey everybody! Check out my impression of a sword!
(Fighter stands stiff as a board and makes a "ching" noise.)
Cloud: Ug.Does he ever shut up.
Kefka: Yes, but only when this fool's babbling.
Frog: They! Vefva! Vi'm vot vroo vith vu! Vook vat vee ven Vi'm valkving voo vu! (Hey! Kefka! I'm not through with you! Look at me when I'm talking to you!)
Kefka: Damnit, Frog! Don't make me cut out your vocal cords!
Frog: Vovey. (Okay)
Lucca: Hi, everybody!
Fighter: Ching! Hi Lucca! Ching!
Lucca: Is everybody ready for the vote-off?
Kefka: As ready as hell.
Lucca: Okay then! Everybody come with me! Except you, Sora.
Sora: Aw.In that case, I'm gonna go find some matches.
(All the contestants follow Lucca to a room with a time portal thingy and a voting booth.)
Lucca: Alright everyone! This is the vote-off room.
Fighter: Swordsy.
Lucca: Fighter, come and cast your vote. As he's voting, let's watch the conversation we had with him about the other contestants.
(Tape starts in a dark room with Zell and Fighter.)
Zell: So Fighter, what are your thoughts on the other contestants?
Fighter: Well.I like Cloud because he's got a big sword. I like swords.
Zell: Uh-huh.right.
Fighter: Wanna see my impressions of a sword?
Zell: No!!!
Fighter: Okay then!
(Fighter does his sword pose.)
Zell: Stop that!
Fighter: Ching!
(Zell hits Fighter with a one-two punch. Tape ends.)
Lucca (to Zell): Zell! You weren't supposed to hit him!
Zell: You try sitting in a room with him for 5 minutes!
Fighter: I'm finished!
Lucca: Goodie! In that case, Kefka, come and cast your vote. As he's voting, let's watch the conversation we had with him about the other contestants.
(Tape starts in a dark room with Zell and Kefka.)
Zell: So Kefka, What are your thoughts of the other contestants?
Kefka: A bunch of egotistical bastards without any brains. Especially Fighter.
Zell: Wow. Them's fightin' words!
Kefka: Damn Straight.
Zell: Thank you for your time.
Kefka: Whatever.
(Tape ends.)
Lucca: How the voting coming, Keffie?
Kefka: Don't ever call me that again! I'm finished, so leave me the hell alone!
Lucca: Heh.okay then. Er.Frog, could you come here and cast your vote.
Frog: Thur. (Sure.)
Lucca: As he's voting, let's watch the conversation we had with him about the other contestants.
(Tape starts in its usual way.)
Zell: Frog, what are your thoughts on the other contestants.
Frog: Vey thall vreat vee thike thrap. (They all treat me like crap.)
Zell: How's the tongue?
Frog: Vat Vongue?!? (What Tongue?!?)
Zell: Thanks for your time.
Frog: Vor Velcome. (You're Welcome.)
(tape ends.)
Lucca: All done, Frog?
Frog: Thep. (Yep.)
Lucca: In that case, Cloud, you're up!
Cloud:.
Lucca: And again, as he's voting, let's watch the conversation we had with him about the other contestants.
(tape starts in its usual way.)
Zell: Hello, Cloud.
Cloud:.
Zell: Cloud?
Cloud:.
Zell: Oh, the hell with it.
(tape ends.)
Lucca: Are you done yet Cl-
Cloud: Yes.
Lucca: Let's hear the votes then. Cloud?
Cloud: I vote off Fighter, because he's dumber than a rock.
Fighter: You mean sword?
Cloud: See!
Zell: Alright. Alright. Frog, your vote?
Frog: Vi thote voff Vefva, vas the's va vajor thain vin va vass. (I vote off Kefka, 'cause he's a major pain in the ass.)
Lucca: okay! Kefka?
Kefka: I vote off Frog, 'cause HE'S a major pain in the ass.
Frog: Vake Vat Thack, vu vass-thown! (Take that back, you ass-clown!)
Kefka: That's it!
(Kefka pulls out in sword and stabs Frog in the eyes, which blinds him.)
Frog: Vy theyes! Vy theyes! (My eyes! My eyes!)
Zell: With Kefka, Frog and you, Fighter, having one point, it's all down to you.
Fighter: Behold! The vote!
(Fighter holds up his sign. It reads "fighter")
Zell: You idiot! Why would you vote yourself off?
Fighter: oh.I thought we were supposed to write our own name.
Zell: With two points, Fighter is eliminated. You drawn your last sword, Fighter.
Fighter: Sword? Where?
Zell: Lucca, activate the time portal.
(Lucca throws a switch on the Time Portal Thingy. The machine gives off a bluish glow and show the distant future.)
Zell: Hop in, Fighter. There's a lot of swords there.
Fighter: Swords! Sword!!!
(Fighter jumps in the portal. Lucca pushes a button on the machine.)
Lucca: And now, I get to introduce the contestant taking Fighter's place, and he is....
(Steel Drum-roll)
Lucca: From Final Fantasy Six, Last Year's annual "worldwide poker game" winner, Setzer!
(Stezer steps out of time portal thingy.)
Stezer: Who wants to play a game of Blackjack?
Cloud: Oh great, another mindless creep.
Zell: That concludes tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, see you tomorrow!
Lucca: Bye-bye!