A/N: I'm so sorry. I really am. I'm just not even going to give my excuses this time, since I'm sure you guys are sick and tired of them anyway. I'll just say that I've been insanely busy, and my muses tend to focus more on other stories these days. But I would like to thank all of you who have stuck by this fic from the bottom of my heart. I also want to promise you that I do not plan on becoming one of those people who never, ever finish their stories, especially after receiving a billion reviews. I will finish this fic, even if it takes me a decade (hopefully not – I'm aiming for by Christmas). And now that school is over, I will actually have some time to work. Kinda. I'm going to have a busy summer, but it won't be as bad as this entire year. So yeah. Please review. Here it is.
Another A/N, added later: Okay, so, about a week and a half ago, I learned that Echoes of the Mind, a big fan of this trilogy, passed away last November. I had wondered where he went after he stopped reviewing, but thought that maybe he just was sick of my taking too long to update or something. Who knows, maybe he was, since his last review was written months before he passed on. However, those reviews he did write were always very encouraging, giving some critique but also offering ways to fix the problems, and they were funny. I would like to dedicate this chapter and all those that follow to his memory. He was one of my first and most devoted fans, and I will always remember his kind words. Mike, this is for you. May you rest in peace.
Chapter 8
It was sick. That's the only word I can find to describe the mess I had become. Bird eyes, small enough for a bird, yet placed in my human face. Stalk eyes, covered in blond hair, sprouting from my head. Andalite ears, tufted in feathers. Lips, but no mouth. A nose that had melted down my face and become hard as fingernail, mixing with my top lip. A blue tint to my human skin. Human arms that didn't fall right, instead folding back like wings. Seven fingers on both hands that were too long, and arched down like a bird's fingers. An Andalite body, but subtly different. Front legs that were those of a bird, but with hooves. Back legs like an Andalite, but they ended in human feet, with a talon for each toe. And I had a tail… It was strong, fast as a whip, but tipped with nothing other than a fan of rust-colored feathers.
Hello, Crayak, I said. It couldn't be anybody else.
Smart, a disembodied voice answered. Your girlfriend seemed to think I was David. Slowly, Crayak came into focus before me.
Tell me what you're doing to her, or I swear-
Now, now, Tobias, no need to get upset.
I was silent.
I did nothing to her that I am not doing to you. I'm simply helped her see her as she is.
You're sick, you know that?
I prefer the term truthful.
This isn't truth, I said, gesturing at my twisted body.
It's what you are.
Not exactly. My body was not some perverse assortment of parts, alien and terrestrial. I concentrated on my hawk body. I wanted to be in my hawk body. But nothing happened. No changes began. I was still as warped as before.
You're a nothlit, Tobias. You can't morph.
I froze, then looked at the biological machine in front of me. What?
If Ellimist hadn't meddled in your affairs and the affairs of the Yeerks and Hork-Bajir, you wouldn't be able to morph. I've fixed the problem.
Before I said anything, I just started to shake. I quivered like a baby. And my feathers and fingers and stalk eyes shook as well.
Oh, don't worry too much, Crayak said, his voice full of sarcasm. It's actually better. Now you won't ever be able to run from one of your natures like you did after Rachel died.
I didn't run.
Crayak laughed, and I cringed.
This is what I mean, Crayak said. You Animorphs are so full of delusions…
Fine, then. I did run. What does it mean to you?
I'm just trying to do a good deed.
You've never done a good deed in your entire billion years of life. You're sick.
The red eye blinked. Ouch, Tobias, that hurts. Really, it does. A pain, right in my heart.
I sent a death stare at him. Of course, I didn't need to change my human expression very much. My hawk eyes took care of it for me. The rules have to still apply somewhat, I said.
Ellimist is a weakling. He has no power over what I do and what I do not do.
Why hasn't he at least talked to us to warn us?
What, is Tobias the Coward wondering how he can convince kind Ellimist to make him less of a freak?
I stamped one of my hooves and flicked my tail. I'm wondering why he hasn't talked to us.
You expect me to understand the workings of the simpering fool's mind?
You have to know some of it.
He's probably too scared to come out of hiding.
I took a deep breath. I don't believe you. If he told the truth about this, maybe he also told the truth about my being unable to morph. I had no idea what I'd do if I was stuck as this… beast…
Crayak fell quiet, his myriad of parts subtly shifting places until he looked even larger than before. His red eye seemed framed by machinery, a bonfire burning on the throne of metal.
I took another deep breath. I think that you are just as deluded as the rest of us, Crayak. And at least our delusions help us keep our sanity. Yours have driven you crazy.
But I know who I am. You, unfortunately, Tobias, are a freak with no idea who you are.
Well I'm sorry I haven't had a few hundred millennia to achieve self-actualization, I replied. I couldn't believe I was saying all of this. I almost sounded stupidly brave enough to be mistaken for Rachel.
Crayak chortled. It was an evil sound, the same quality that Visser Three/One or Mean Rachel had always sounded like when they laughed. You aren't anything, he said. Part human, part hawk, part Andalite. But wholly nothing. You'll never reach "self-actualization," as you call it.
I cast my eyes down for a moment as his words sunk in. But then I jerked my head up. Liar.
What?
You say that you're trying to strip me of my delusions to help me accept myself as I am, which implies self-actualization. But now you're saying I'll never reach it?
There's more than one-
No, Crayak. You don't know what you're talking about. I don't think this is anymore than another delusion.
Perhaps, Crayak hissed, but you're still just a crude assembly of parts.
He faded away, and suddenly the ship reappeared around me. Cassie had tears streaming down her face and her arms wrapped around her. Jake, a simple haunted look. Rachel was a sobbing heap on the ground. Marco was smirking, but his fists were clenched and his eyes moist. Ax's eyes shifted around the room, and his tail twitched nervously. Sandra, Captain Miaker, Leenear, Raikon, General Doubleday, and Guide gaped at the others. I, however, had appeared in entrance of the tiny hallway leading into the bridge. Because of how the shadows fell, I was fairly certain that nobody could see me. Thank God they couldn't. I may have returned to the ship, but my body…
"What just happened?" Sandra asked, looking from Marco to Jake to General Doubleday.
There was silence, and I shuffled uncomfortably. My hooves and feet-talons clicked on the floor.
Cassie sniffed. "I have no idea. It was just… horrible…"
Jake crossed to her and wrapped his arms around her. I wanted to do the same to Rachel so much, but… I twisted my head around, refusing to use my stalk eyes, and surveyed my body. It was definitely the same twisted thing it had been while I spoke with Crayak. I crouched further into the shadows sank to the ground.
"You were with Crayak?" Jake asked, though it was more of a statement than a question. Cassie nodded.
Is everyone alright? Ax said.
"Butthead," Marco said through gritted teeth. A tear fell from his eye. "He replayed scenes from right after Mom "died". Scenes from when she was a Controller. Told me I had to kill her."
"God…" Rachel moaned.
Cassie shook her head. "No. God doesn't have anything to do with Crayak."
Where's Tobias?
I paused, crouching further into the shadows, but as the others looked around with concern, I answered. Right here.
They stopped searching, and I took a deep breath. Then I took a step into the room.
A gasp, and then silence. Rachel covered her mouth, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"What happened?" Marco demanded, unable to hide the disgust on his face.
I lowered all four of my eyes, unable to bear their looks of horror, of pity. The same looks I got when they first realized I was a hawk, but now they were so much worse.
Crayak.
Tobias, I- Ax began.
I shook my head. I didn't want to hear their apologies. I didn't want to be near them. I didn't want to see the looks on their faces that made my new body so real. Don't. Just don't say anything.
I crossed over to Rachel, the silence in the room pressing in around me. Awkwardly I maneuvered my hand around to reach her, to hopefully offer some comfort to both her and myself.
She shrunk away.
"You can't change back?" Jake.
I jerked my head away. Don't you think I already would have?
I retracted my arm, looked once more back at Rachel, the others, their horrified stares ripping straight to my freakish heart. I turned and bolted from the room.
A/N: I'll love you forever if you R/R! :-P