One Seriously Twisted Fairy Tale
Starring:
Samwise Gamgee as the Fairy Godhobbit
Eowyn as the Beautiful Princess
Théoden as the Grumpy old King (think Movie!Théoden)
Aragorn as (soon-to-be-king) Aragorn
Faramir as Prince Charming
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Once upon a time, a beautiful princess was sitting on a bench in the royal garden pondering.
"If only I didn't have to meet my betrothed today. Uncle says I've waited quite long enough to get married and we'll be wed right away." At this, she heaved a great sigh. "Maybe it won't be so bad. I just hope he's better looking than the other suitors. Perhaps he'll even share my love for imported cheeses!"
It was a little known fact that Princess Eowyn had a fascination with cheese. Rare and aged and imported cheeses, smelly and odd-colored and holey cheeses, they were all so wonderful to her! Eowyn was the kingdom's leading cheese connoisseur.
As she was pondering what her latest potential husband might be like, her uncle, King Théoden, came by.
"Why are you just sitting around? Go get me a beer, woman!"
The king was usually like this: rude and beer guzzling (it was rumored that he came upon these rather un-endearing traits from being in frequent company of dwarves). Eowyn, however, knew not to anger her uncle, and left to get his beer as he requested. "Good," King Théoden said to himself. "Soon my niece will marry (soon-to-be-king) Aragorn and I'll (hopefully) make money off the deal. And where's my beer?"
Eowyn had lived in the palace with her uncle for some time now. He considered her close enough to be his daughter (although he didn't treat her like it). She figured it was worth dealing with him if she got to be called Princess.
The King did indeed get his drink. A projectile tankard came flying through the air and made contact with King Théoden's head.
Meanwhile, not too far away, Faramir was sitting and looking thoughtful.
"I must wonder if I will ever find true love. Will the right maiden ever come to me?" The tired, worried look on his face intensified. "I'm so distraught!"
Now, we all know that there are three things that prince charmings live for: slaying dragons, rescuing damsels in distress, and marrying beautiful princesses. Faramir had slain plenty of dragons and rescued more than his fair share of damsels, but he had yet to find his princess.
Suddenly, a rather short man with curly brown hair appeared out of nowhere clad in a rather frilly pink tutu.
"Good morning to ye, Mister Faramir." Instead of a polite greeting in return, he was met with a frightened wide-eyed stare.
"AH! What the devil are you?!" The vertically-challenged fairy rolled his eyes at the question and tapped his wand on his side like this was common knowledge.
"Haven't you ever seen a Fairy Godhobbit?" Faramir shook his head no. "Well now you have. It just so happens that I'm your Fairy Godhobbit and I've come to help you." Faramir looked skeptical. Then again, would you trust a midget in a tutu?
"Help me with what?" he inquired, still doubtful of the said man's ability to do more than attract a crowd of curious onlookers.
"Help you with finding a woman, of course! Isn't that what you said you wanted? Anyway, I have the perfect lass in mind." At the first mention of women, all skepticism was washed away from Faramir. He hadn't had any romantic dealings for quite some time, and was beginning to grow desperate.
"Who?" he asked, a little too expectantly.
"Her name is Eowyn," replied the supposed Fairy Godhobbit. This earned him a rather strange look from Faramir.
"Are you sure she's a beautiful princess?"
"If there's one thing you learn from all of this, it should be to never question small men with fairy wands," he said matter-of-factly. "Anyway," he continued, "Princess Eowyn is soon to be betrothed to (soon-to-be-king) Aragorn. To find true love and live happily ever after, you'll have to rescue her before they wed at midnight tonight."
"So if I save Princess Eowyn from Aragorn, we'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after?"
"Or something like that," he replied while he chewed a chicken drumstick that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
At Aragorn's home, Aragorn was going through his wardrobe. He wanted to look absolutely perfect for his darling Eowyn (whom he'd never even met, but who cared? She couldn't be that bad).
"Which one, Halbarad, navy or black?" he asked his friend and fashion advisor, holding up robes that looked befitting for a soon-to-be-king such as him. Halbarad pointed to the black one, and Aragorn congratulated him on his tastefulness. "What would I do without you? No, no; what would I wear without you?"
Later that night, Eowyn and Aragorn met for the first time. Aragorn took Eowyn's hand and put it to his lips.
"Greetings, my fair Lady," this earned a blush from the Princess.
"Flattery will get you nowhere, Aragorn."
Eowyn, to say the least, was done for. All her usual defenses were broken down by the tall, dark, and handsome man who stood before her. She realized that she hadn't quite prepared herself for such a dashing man, and wanted to go put on a more … comfortable dress.
"If you'll excuse me, Aragorn, I must go powder my nose."
"I'll await your return with bated breath," Aragorn said with stars in his eyes. Eowyn reluctantly left. Finally! A suitor who's actually suitable!
On the way to the "powder room," Eowyn bumped into Faramir, who was searching for her around the palace.
Faramir had daringly scaled the castle walls and incapacitated all the guards to get in. It was nearing midnight and he had to swiftly find Princess Eowyn before it was too late.
"Who are you?" Eowyn inquired rather harshly. Faramir just stared blankly at her. One might think he was narcoleptic or maybe just stupid, but in reality, he was marveling over the radiant beauty of Eowyn.
Faramir was in love.
Eowyn raised an eyebrow in question. "Hello?" The seemingly-comatose man snapped back into reality like he'd never missed a second.
"Greetings, Princess Eowyn. I am Faramir, the local prince charming. I've come to rescue you from Aragorn. Come with me and ride into the sunset, free from that horrible man!"
"Horrible man? What do you mean horrible man? You're not exactly that dashing yourself!"
Faramir, looking confused as to why things weren't working out like they did in all the romance novels he'd read, was quite confused. Didn't all princesses want to be rescued from their arranged suitors?
Hmm, he looks rather cute when he has that "confused" face on. Eowyn thought. Maybe I should go with him. I wonder …
"Just one question before we ride away into the sunset … Do you have any Camembert and Brie at your castle?"
Faramir's heart skipped a beat. She loved cheese, too! He couldn't possibly fall any further for the amazing Princess Eowyn.
"Of course I do! I have any cheese your heart could ever desire!"
And with that, Eowyn made up her mind that Faramir couldn't be all that bad, and so they rode off into the sunset together and lived happily ever after.