Warriors' Secrets: Of the Past
written by Atlantis
( 2002
Alright, this would be my first RK fic, though not my first fic, so please be kind. This is a more serious fic which deals with rape, so if you can't handle the facts that things like this actually happen, don't read. There will be a Chapter 2/Epilogue that should be out in a little while. Please enjoy.
Rating: STRONG PG-13 (I contemplated on making this an R but it's not that bad, so I'm simply putting out a warning for those of you who are a little sensitive.)
*****************************************************************
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosever shall believe in Him shall have everlasting life.
John 3:16
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PART 1
Memories always come back on days like these. I think I would like the rain if the memories didn't follow it. It slips down the roof, thousands of tiny droplets falling to the ground where they converge to form a puddle in the middle of the yard. Storms come quickly here, hardly without any warning. It's a good thing Kenshin finished the laundry before it started.
I laugh. Sometimes, it seems funny to me that the dreaded Battousai enjoys doing laundry. But then I correct myself. It's not Battousai, but the gentle Rurouni, Kenshin, who enjoys the task. I have only seen Battousai emerge a few rare times, only for a brief time and he both frightens me and thrills me. His golden eyes always seem to find mine when he emerges and there is some sort of wild possession in his gaze. I like that.
But there is no way I can ever be with him, either as Kenshin or Battousai. For while he has taken life and hates his bloody past, he does not have the dishonor on his soul, his body, as I do. I know why Kenshin washes the laundry. He does it to make himself feel clean, to wash the blood from his hands. I can't even do that.
"Miss Kaoru?" I turn to see Kenshin standing behind me, a serene yet slightly worried smile on his face. I blink.
"Yes Kenshin?" I asked, turning to face him, making sure my arms are wrapped around me. My hands are shaking horrible and it would do him no good to see.
"I was wondering if anything was wrong," he replied, taking a hesitant step forward. I shrug and then face the yard again, just wanting him to go away. Yes, I love him, much more than my life. He's become such a huge part of my soul. But the shame I bear keeps me from him, keeps me from admitting my feelings to him. I can hear the floor creak slightly as he moves, or wants to move, to me. He really does care for me, I know that, but how much, I don't know. His quiet nature is deceiving to most, keeping his feelings hidden, but I know him. I also know he will stop and turn away. He never wants to impose on my privacy and always feels like he is.
"Alright Miss Kaoru," he replied quietly before walking away. His soft footfalls against the wood floor move in the direction of the kitchen and I want to just turn around and cry and run to him. Bury my face against his chest while I pour out my heavy soul to him. I will never allow myself to do that though. Kenshin doesn't deserve to go through what I have on top of his own problems. No, keeping my secrets to myself is safest, for me and my heart. Completely safe.
Kaoru moved out into the rain, soaking her through her clothes. She sighed and let the droplets fall down her face, as if they were tears, and off the tip of her nose. It ran down into her simple kimono, plastering the material to her young, curved body. Closing her eyes, she took in a deep breath and just stood, allowing the rain to wash away some of the memories that had surfaced with the weather.
With a forceful will, Kenshin remained where he was. Torn between letting her be alone, going to her to comfort her, and letting go of all reason and kissing her breathless, he decided it was safer to remain in his hiding spot. Safer? Well, certainly. He couldn't trust himself when he was around Kaoru, seeing as how his hormones went into overdrive and he didn't know what to expect, having suppressed feelings like that for many years. Kenshin was no fool, nor was he blind. People around him confused his quiet demeanor and subservient attitude for being a little girly, but that was certainly not the case.
Kenshin was one-hundred percent male, noticing attractive women when he saw any of noteworthy attention, occasionally thinking of one in particular in less than innocent ways, and jealously defending and claiming her when she was not around to know. Kaoru filled his thoughts entirely, with every breath he took, with every step he made and there was no way that would ever change.
Ever since the day she had welcomed him into the dojo, not caring what people said about his horrible past, he had loved her. It wasn't a love-at-first-sight type of love, but a deep, caring, respectful love that began to gro with every passing day. She was more than just beautiful; Kaoru was exquisite. He could find no flaw in her, even enjoying her temper tantrums and outbursts at her student Yahiko. But when he found Kaoru the most amazing was when she did her sword exercises, alone, allowing her peace of mind and ease with the motions to float around her in an aura that was colored in what could only be called peace.
She knew life techniques with the sword, defense, while he was brought up with death techniques, the ultimate offense. He found her to be a brilliant light to his ever-frightening darkness. At times, he feared losing her to his darkness, to Battousai who had claimed Kaoru mind, soul, and body the moment his hidden gold eyes had seen her. Never would Battousai allow anyone to come between he and Kaoru, but Kenshin had almost lost her a few times, increasing Battousai's protectiveness over her even more.
It was strange to think that Kenshin almost had a different person living within him, buried deep in his soul and hidden from any and all prying eyes. But Battousai was actually a part of him, only seeming separate because of the changes his body went through physically when the dominant presence took over. His dark red hair deepened to the color of polished flames, the angles of his face seemed sharper and more unemotional. Kenshin's body became broader and more muscular, making his form tower over all others. The most pronounced difference though was the change in his eyes, which shifted from the gentle violet to a demanding and menacing golden.
Kenshin's thoughts moved from him to the young woman in the middle of the yard, her serene countenance lifted to the angry sky. He couldn't understand why Kaoru was like this every time the weather became dreary. She seemed so distant, unreachable, as if she had detached herself from the world. There was something he was missing, something that she hid from all of the eyes of the world and wouldn't even share with him. A secret. He knew all too well what having a deep secret could do to a person if held inside too long. Kaoru knew his secret, and while she had learned it piece by piece and over a long period of time, she still knew the truth. And yet she did not judge him or think of him as evil or tainted. Instead, she showered upon him all the caring and understanding within her, and to Kenshin, that was priceless.
Watching her silently, Kenshin's eyes followed Kaoru as she moved through the rain to the small pond in the center of the yard, stooping at the edge to peer at her distorted reflection. Ripples covered the pool, ever being disrupted in their movement by other raindrops. Dipping her hands under the water, she brought them back up, cupped and full before splashing it on her arms. She looked as if she was washing. Her hands began to scrub harder, nearly scratching her skin off, angry tears rolling down her face to mis with the rain. Kenshin couldn't stand her quiet suffering anymore.
Rushing from his place, he went out into the rain, feeling his wet hair stick to his jaw and neck. He stood at her back for a few moments, but she didn't notice him, still scrubbing furiously before he went to his knees and wrapped his arms around her, hands holding her wrists gently. Kaoru stiffened and looked at him, eyes wide, as he pulled her hands away from her arms. When her blue eyes met the violet of Kenshin's, seeming to crash together like the waves of a dark ocean, she visibly relaxed and sobbed once, brokenly. When Kenshin looked at her, she covered her mouth with one of her hands, not wanting Kenshin to have seen her cry. He turned her around to face him, letting his hands move up to hold her arms.
"Tell me what is wrong." It was not a request as Kaoru realized, watching the gentle purple of his eyes flash briefly with gold. She opened her mouth to say something but could not find any words. Kenshin's head dropped to his chest, his hands tightening slightly on her arms as he whispered, "I can't bear it when you're like this."
"Kenshin..." Kaoru started, voice stopping her from continuing with its threat to break. He looked up and Kaoru looked at him, shocked. While he looked so desirable with his red hair clinging to the lines of his face and his body was so close to hers, she was amazed to see the raw emotion he was feeling was being reflected in his golden eyes. Not purple... they were no longer purple.
Suddenly finding her breathing ragged, Kaoru tried to back away, halted by Kenshin's, no, Battousai's hands. He pulled her closer momentarily before opening them again to regard her with his gaze of gold. Rather than the violent rage that usually came with the change from Kenshin to Battousai, there was a controlled passion, seeping into her with an almost deadly accuracy. She could see his breath, a light mist in the cold rain, feel it brushing tantalizingly against her lips. For a mere second, as Battousai's head dipped to meet her lips, her eyes fluttered shut, reveling in the new sensations she was experiencing.
But as he brushed the slightest kiss against her mouth, a promise of intensity to come, Kaoru's eyes snapped open and she jerked away. Battousai's hold on her loosened and his eyes opened, confusion clouding over his gold irises. She backed away from him, eyes haunted, before standing and rushing away, stumbling only once in her haste to get back inside. Battousai watched as she fled from him, thoroughly troubled now. With his acute senses, he knew that she had felt the same desire he had barely seconds ago, but then a sharp stab of pain, so deep it couldn't be described with words, tore through her. The pain had shocked them both out of the kiss and had frightened Kaoru mindless.
Growling under his breath, Battousai decided that this wasn't going to go on any longer. He stood, pushing his hair away from his face and straightened his high ponytail before following Kaoru's path back inside. Spying the trail of water on the wood floor, Battousai followed easily and stopped at the washroom door, not sure what to do. Sliding the door open a little, he looked for Kaoru's form and found her in the warm water of the large square bath, still fully clothed, eyes closed and tears trailing down her cheeks.
Feeling despair and frustration soak in to him, he shoved the door open, stomped in, and climbed into the bath, wading to her through the depth of the water. His chilled skin warmed immediately with the contact of the water and he reached Kaoru whose eyes were open and looking almost fearfully at him. He placed his hands on either side of her, holding to the edge of the wall of the bath and stood in front of her, knowing that she was standing as well.
"Tell me what is wrong," he demanded, shocking her out of the stunned silence. "You are always so downcast when the weather turns grey and that is not the Kaoru I know!"
"Then you do not know the real Kaoru," she replied quietly, turning her head to the side. "This is really me, the part I always hide. I should think you would understand at least that much," she said, looking back at him.
"The more you hide the more this phantom in your mind will control you and eat away at your soul! That much I do know!" Battousai shouted at her, fingers gripping her arms.
"You know nothing of the shame I carry!" Kaoru spat at him before her face froze and she tried to escape him as she had in the yard. But Battousai would not release her, not this time, and he narrowed his eyes at her in confusion.
"Tell me," he said calmly. Kaoru merely looked at him, seeming to be torn between breaking down and crossing over the line to insanity. "Tell me of your shame," he repeated. "Secrets between us do not and will not ever reach the ears of another. You know of my bloody past, the dark secrets of my nightmares, and you have comforted my light and I. Allow me to see your nightmare and comfort you now." His golden gaze buried deep within Kaoru's ocean blue orbs, trying to reach her, show her how sincere he was.
Kaoru, for her part, was completely lost. Her mind kept replaying the moment of her dishonor and yet, all that she could see was Battousai's golden eyes. They called to her and held a strange warmth in them, so akin to the tenderness she saw so often in Kenshin's eyes. It was then that she realized the two had become one entity. She should have realized it earlier, the signs were so clear. For the last few months, Kenshin had been acting more protective and all-but a little more forceful in his occasional training sessions with Yahiko. In addition to the normal, kind constructive criticism, Kenshin had been 'pushing' Yahiko to do better, forcing him into offensive and defensive stances, often alternating rapidly between the two.
And now he stood before her, a man who had finally embraced his darker side and become a whole man. The only thing that differed now was the change of the eye color. She became faintly aware of his fingers on her arms, no longer holding her tightly in place but instead kneading her tense muscles and tracing circles over the fabric of her kimono. His touch left trails of liquid fire on her skin and she closed her eyes for a brief moment to strengthen her resolve.
"Kaoru?" he questioned, his breath warm against her still-drying hair. She felt tingling pinpricks travel the entire length of her body, resulting in a warm, heady feeling before she opened her glazed eyes to look at him.
Battousai felt a deep sorrow settle over him as he looked into Kaoru's eyes, filled with unshed tears. Letting go of her arm, his hand moved slowly to cup her face, brushing away the tears that fell with a gentle thumb. Kaoru turned her face into his palm, holding it there with her free hand. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead as Kenshin's comforting nature pushed through, them rested his chin on the top of her head. He felt his eyes change and knew it was for the last time. He did not have to look in a mirror or the water's reflection to know: they were a dark purple, lined with a thin layer of gold on the outer rim. No longer would he change from one to the other. Kaoru sighed and he slowly pulled away.
"I... I will tell you," Kaoru stated shakily. "But you must not rush me because they are painful memories that haven't been brought to the surface since they happened." Obediently, Battousai agreed and stepped away from her. She looked up at him and her eyebrows rose. "Before I tell you though, what shall I call you? You now have the eyes of both Kenshin and Battousai," she asked, "though that body of yours is obviously Battousai's," she added under her breath. Kenshin had heard her comment at the same time he had been questioning his own identity and then his eyes shimmered golden when he heard her add the fact about his body. Though he was a whole man now, he preferred the more masculine physique and stature that Battousai had rather than Kenshin's vertically challenged characteristic. He grinned crookedly at her.
"You can call me anything you want," he purred at her, folding his arms in a way that made Kaoru's heart skip a beat. "Perhaps Battousai in private and Kenshin when others are around would work best."
Kaoru gulped. "A-alright," she stammered, furiously trying to blink away the heat that had clouded over her eyes. Thinking of her memories poured a cold bucket of reality over her and, sighing, she climbed out of the bath and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around herself. "Follow me," she said quietly. Immediately becoming serious with Kaoru's abrupt change in demeanor, Battousai followed her out, grabbing a towel for himself as he did so. She padded down the hallway quietly and moved into her own room after sliding the door open. Battousai followed her in, his jaw dropping when he realized Kaoru had moved behind her changing screen.
He could see her silhouette perfectly through the thin, decorated paper and he suddenly found the room incredibly hot. Images of he and Kaoru in a much warmer... no, hot position came to mind and he shuddered. Dark gold shimmered over his eyes in deep desire before fading almost quicker than it appeared as Kaoru stepped out, wrapped in a dark blue robe and her face downcast, twisted with the pain of dark memories. She sat down on her futon and slowly took out her ponytail, the midnight black strands falling like curtains around her neck and face.
Battousai could once again feel the despair in the air, radiating from Kaoru's hunched form, as he sat in front of her on a cushion that was meant for the small table in her room. She seemed to shake as she took in unsteady breaths, then her eyes rose and met Battousai's for a brief moment before shying away again. Wrapping her arms around her knees as she brought them up to her chest, half a sob escaped her lips and a lone tear slid down her cheek before she began.
"I was, well, it wasn't so long ago, but it seems like lifetimes have gone by. It was before you came here. I was thirteen, young and naive, not able to comprehend the evils of the world. My father was still alive then and he had many students. They came from all over, from so many different backgrounds. Some were very young and others not so young, a few were skinny like poles and others a little more round, but all of them seemed happy. When my father wasn't teaching either the students or myself, I enjoyed spending time with them, getting to know them. They were all nice and friendly to me except for one. He seemed to ignore me, as if I was some annoying speck that he had to put up with. He was older than all the rest by quite a few years, eighteen or nineteen as I remember. His name was Shiko and his personality clashed with my father's, but he was a brilliant swordsman and learned so quickly, so my father allowed him to stay.
"Times got a little hard and some of father's students told my father they had to leave because their families could no longer afford the cost of the training. My father loved all of those boys, as if they were his own and he spoke with all of the parents of those boys who had to drop out and worked out a simpler, less expensive payment plan for those families only. He then went and spoke to the parents of the boys who could easily afford the training and found out that it would be alright to raise the cost only slightly for them, to aid in paying for the other less wealthy boys. There wasn't anyone that complained about my father's solution except for Shiko. For some reason, he was furious and became troublesome, picking on other students and striking them down. Repeatedly, my father warned him to stop, but Shiko persisted and finally my father had had enough," Kaoru said quietly, shivering as if a chilled wind had suddenly swept through the room.
"Shiko arrived as always that day, ready for his lesson and in a foul mood that only served to annoy my father. I was sitting beside my father as he had requested of me when Shiko walked through the doors of the dojo. His face gained a scowl on top of an already dour grimace and he bowed with mock respect before sinking to his knees before my father and I and laying his bokken across his lap.
"'Sensei,' he greeted my father, not even deeming to look him in the eyes.
"'Shiko,' my father replied, 'you are now and forever-more forbidden to enter these gates of this place, my home and school for young and aspiring swordsmen. You have demonstrated that, although you have the skill, your do not have the discipline or attitude of a true swordsman and warrior. A warrior must get along with his companions and fellow trainees because it is on them that he has to rely on if ever in battle. But you have shown me that you are like a spoiled child and a cruel *boy* who delights in being cruel to others who are smaller than you. That is not acceptable. Take all of your belongings and leave now,' my father commanded. Shiko sat silent for a mere moment before his eyes shifted to me and then to my father, growing dark in rage as he quickly got to his feet.
"'You will regret this day for the rest of your life Kamiya-sensei,' he spar as he clutched his bokken, causing his knuckles to turn white. 'You should have never turned me away.' His eyes shifted to me once again and I wanted to hide behind my father's back. Shiko's brown gaze was so threatening, promising retribution for what he thought was an unfair turn of events in his life.
"'You did this to yourself Shiko,' I remember my father saying to him. 'Now remove yourself from my property, you are now trespassing.' Shiko stomped out barely after my father said his last word," Kaoru said quietly.
"Why were you present for that?" Battousai asked suddenly, his voice lower than a whisper. Kaoru glanced at him and then turned her face towards her window to watch the rain continue to fall off of the roof in torrents.
"Because I was and am the heir of the school and he felt it would be beneficial for me to see how to deal with problems that would most certainly present themselves to me when he was gone. He was simply trying to help me and prepare me for the future," Kaoru sobbed. Dragging her sleeve across her face, she hid her red eyes and nose and wiped the tears away. She gasped suddenly and sat up, eyes looking determined even through the horror of the memories. "If I do not continue, I am afraid this nightmare will never pass through my lips again. Your question was harmless, but do not interrupt me again," Kaoru told Battousai softly. He nodded even though she didn't look at him and tried to force his muscles to relax. He remained tense however, knowing that Kaoru's deepest fear, her shame as she called it, had yet to be spoken.
"That night," Kaoru started again, "I went to sleep feeling so afraid. I had told my father about my unease but he was convinced it was because I had seem him deal out a true punishment, as I had never seen him do so before. While I wasn't so sure, I trusted him and climbed into bed. Sleep took its time coming to me, but I eventually drifted off, only to slip into the worst nightmare of my life.
"I was sleeping, deeply, drowning in a dream blacker than the night sky when I began to have trouble breathing. It was as though something was covering my face, but that wasn't, couldn't be it because I was dreaming. I fought against it, pushed at the obstruction that kept me from breathing freely. To say that I was frightened when I came into contact with an actual blanket over my face would be the greatest understatement ever. I was awake and as I continued to gain a more aware consciousness, I realized that there was a force keeping that blanket down.
"Rough hands began to pull at me, suddenly and without mercy. My clothes were torn from me and I knew my window was open because I could feel the cold night air flow over my naked body. A large body settled itself over me and I tried to gasp for air, my lungs were burning. It began to rain.
"I began to scream, scream so loud that my throat went raw and I was only choking out the plea for help. But not a soul came to my aid. Not only did the blanket over my face muffle my screams, but the consistent roaring and crashing of the thunder and lightning did as well. A feeling so much worse than doom fell upon me, more terrible than the black face of death, and I began to cry as my abuser stole from me the one thing I cherished above all others.
"He bit me, teeth sinking into the skin on my body, not for pleasure but for power. His hard hands held me in place, bruising me and pushing me down, hitting me and grabbing me. When I shuddered, he laughed and bit and slapped harder, inflicting as much pain as possible on me. I could feel a warm, sticky liquid on my stomach, breasts, and arms and knew it to be my own blood. The unmistakable metallic scent hung in the air as Shiko continued to dishonor me in a fashion worse than that of a murderous traitor.
"Yes, I knew it was Shiko, there was no doubt. More than a few things allowed me to know. Having trained with everyone and spent time with them I had become observant and could differentiate between each student by the smell of their sweat. Shiko always had a dark, musky smell that made you think of shadows that grew stronger when he was angry. That small drifted around me, mingling with the scent of my blood and turning my stomach as his touch threatened to cause me to empty the contents of my stomach.
"His touch was the second clue, something more physical than a smell. When he had been with my father in training, he had always favored his right hand over his left because the tips of all of his fingers and thumb had been burned away in a horrible accident when he was a child. There was no mistaking the feel of scarred, burnt skin against my own and it scratched me, bringing about more pain for myself and a stronger mindset of dominance for Shiko.
"There were other things that made me realize it was him but all of those thoughts flew from my mind as he pushed my legs apart roughly and then broke the seal of my innocence, pushing till I screamed as loud as I could. Nothing ever taught to me and no advice or knowledge given to me had ever prepared me for the pain that I felt. It ripped through my entire body and I screamed once more as if my very soul had been destroyed. All of the muscles in my body tightened and I felt blood all over my legs. He pulled away quickly and I heard him unsheathe a blade. My body was so blind with pain that I did not even realize the twin marks over my heart in the shape of an 'x' until later that morning after I had woken from an unconscious state. My father had found me then, blood caked all over me and black bruises everywhere that my blood was not.
I had not even moved when he left, frozen in place by the words he had whispered before he left, when he had grabbed my hair and spit into my ear, 'Now, you can never be the perfect heiress your father wants. You can never be with or love a man, ever, for he will know of your dishonor... in more ways than one.'"
As she whispered those last words, Kaoru collapsed on her bed, crying brokenly. The rain began to come down even harder, as if matching her tears in intensity. Battousai took in deep breaths of air, fighting desperately against the overwhelming urge to slaughter the man who had done this evil to his beloved Kaoru and take him apart piece by piece by piece. Only Kaoru's heart-wrenching cried stopped him. Never again would he leave her side, defenseless to the world that had only ever dealt her death, shame, and fear. First it was her mother who had died giving birth to her, then Kaoru herself had lived through this unspeakable ordeal, shortly after (no doubt) her father had also passed away, and then a few years later, he had walked in through the doors of her dojo and unconsciously placed his bloody past on her shoulders as well.
*No more!* he thought ferociously as he slowly crawled towards Kaoru and wrapped her in his arms. She did not even acknowledge him as he held her, whispering encouragement in her ears softly during her dark hour and rubbing her arms and back with gentle sincerity. *Never again will you have to face the darkness alone again, love. Not as long as I breathe,* he vowed.
***
End. What did you think? I've never even seen the show! Gah, can you believe it? I know nothing about the show and yet I'm writing fanfiction for it. I've been known to be a little strange. Did I totally screw up the characters? Well, if I did, I don't care because they needed to be this way for my fic. Review if you like, I sure like it when you do!
Atlantis *^_^*
godscartungrrl@netscape.net
Alright, this would be my first RK fic, though not my first fic, so please be kind. This is a more serious fic which deals with rape, so if you can't handle the facts that things like this actually happen, don't read. There will be a Chapter 2/Epilogue that should be out in a little while. Please enjoy.
Rating: STRONG PG-13 (I contemplated on making this an R but it's not that bad, so I'm simply putting out a warning for those of you who are a little sensitive.)
*****************************************************************
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosever shall believe in Him shall have everlasting life.
John 3:16
*****************************************************************
PART 1
Memories always come back on days like these. I think I would like the rain if the memories didn't follow it. It slips down the roof, thousands of tiny droplets falling to the ground where they converge to form a puddle in the middle of the yard. Storms come quickly here, hardly without any warning. It's a good thing Kenshin finished the laundry before it started.
I laugh. Sometimes, it seems funny to me that the dreaded Battousai enjoys doing laundry. But then I correct myself. It's not Battousai, but the gentle Rurouni, Kenshin, who enjoys the task. I have only seen Battousai emerge a few rare times, only for a brief time and he both frightens me and thrills me. His golden eyes always seem to find mine when he emerges and there is some sort of wild possession in his gaze. I like that.
But there is no way I can ever be with him, either as Kenshin or Battousai. For while he has taken life and hates his bloody past, he does not have the dishonor on his soul, his body, as I do. I know why Kenshin washes the laundry. He does it to make himself feel clean, to wash the blood from his hands. I can't even do that.
"Miss Kaoru?" I turn to see Kenshin standing behind me, a serene yet slightly worried smile on his face. I blink.
"Yes Kenshin?" I asked, turning to face him, making sure my arms are wrapped around me. My hands are shaking horrible and it would do him no good to see.
"I was wondering if anything was wrong," he replied, taking a hesitant step forward. I shrug and then face the yard again, just wanting him to go away. Yes, I love him, much more than my life. He's become such a huge part of my soul. But the shame I bear keeps me from him, keeps me from admitting my feelings to him. I can hear the floor creak slightly as he moves, or wants to move, to me. He really does care for me, I know that, but how much, I don't know. His quiet nature is deceiving to most, keeping his feelings hidden, but I know him. I also know he will stop and turn away. He never wants to impose on my privacy and always feels like he is.
"Alright Miss Kaoru," he replied quietly before walking away. His soft footfalls against the wood floor move in the direction of the kitchen and I want to just turn around and cry and run to him. Bury my face against his chest while I pour out my heavy soul to him. I will never allow myself to do that though. Kenshin doesn't deserve to go through what I have on top of his own problems. No, keeping my secrets to myself is safest, for me and my heart. Completely safe.
Kaoru moved out into the rain, soaking her through her clothes. She sighed and let the droplets fall down her face, as if they were tears, and off the tip of her nose. It ran down into her simple kimono, plastering the material to her young, curved body. Closing her eyes, she took in a deep breath and just stood, allowing the rain to wash away some of the memories that had surfaced with the weather.
With a forceful will, Kenshin remained where he was. Torn between letting her be alone, going to her to comfort her, and letting go of all reason and kissing her breathless, he decided it was safer to remain in his hiding spot. Safer? Well, certainly. He couldn't trust himself when he was around Kaoru, seeing as how his hormones went into overdrive and he didn't know what to expect, having suppressed feelings like that for many years. Kenshin was no fool, nor was he blind. People around him confused his quiet demeanor and subservient attitude for being a little girly, but that was certainly not the case.
Kenshin was one-hundred percent male, noticing attractive women when he saw any of noteworthy attention, occasionally thinking of one in particular in less than innocent ways, and jealously defending and claiming her when she was not around to know. Kaoru filled his thoughts entirely, with every breath he took, with every step he made and there was no way that would ever change.
Ever since the day she had welcomed him into the dojo, not caring what people said about his horrible past, he had loved her. It wasn't a love-at-first-sight type of love, but a deep, caring, respectful love that began to gro with every passing day. She was more than just beautiful; Kaoru was exquisite. He could find no flaw in her, even enjoying her temper tantrums and outbursts at her student Yahiko. But when he found Kaoru the most amazing was when she did her sword exercises, alone, allowing her peace of mind and ease with the motions to float around her in an aura that was colored in what could only be called peace.
She knew life techniques with the sword, defense, while he was brought up with death techniques, the ultimate offense. He found her to be a brilliant light to his ever-frightening darkness. At times, he feared losing her to his darkness, to Battousai who had claimed Kaoru mind, soul, and body the moment his hidden gold eyes had seen her. Never would Battousai allow anyone to come between he and Kaoru, but Kenshin had almost lost her a few times, increasing Battousai's protectiveness over her even more.
It was strange to think that Kenshin almost had a different person living within him, buried deep in his soul and hidden from any and all prying eyes. But Battousai was actually a part of him, only seeming separate because of the changes his body went through physically when the dominant presence took over. His dark red hair deepened to the color of polished flames, the angles of his face seemed sharper and more unemotional. Kenshin's body became broader and more muscular, making his form tower over all others. The most pronounced difference though was the change in his eyes, which shifted from the gentle violet to a demanding and menacing golden.
Kenshin's thoughts moved from him to the young woman in the middle of the yard, her serene countenance lifted to the angry sky. He couldn't understand why Kaoru was like this every time the weather became dreary. She seemed so distant, unreachable, as if she had detached herself from the world. There was something he was missing, something that she hid from all of the eyes of the world and wouldn't even share with him. A secret. He knew all too well what having a deep secret could do to a person if held inside too long. Kaoru knew his secret, and while she had learned it piece by piece and over a long period of time, she still knew the truth. And yet she did not judge him or think of him as evil or tainted. Instead, she showered upon him all the caring and understanding within her, and to Kenshin, that was priceless.
Watching her silently, Kenshin's eyes followed Kaoru as she moved through the rain to the small pond in the center of the yard, stooping at the edge to peer at her distorted reflection. Ripples covered the pool, ever being disrupted in their movement by other raindrops. Dipping her hands under the water, she brought them back up, cupped and full before splashing it on her arms. She looked as if she was washing. Her hands began to scrub harder, nearly scratching her skin off, angry tears rolling down her face to mis with the rain. Kenshin couldn't stand her quiet suffering anymore.
Rushing from his place, he went out into the rain, feeling his wet hair stick to his jaw and neck. He stood at her back for a few moments, but she didn't notice him, still scrubbing furiously before he went to his knees and wrapped his arms around her, hands holding her wrists gently. Kaoru stiffened and looked at him, eyes wide, as he pulled her hands away from her arms. When her blue eyes met the violet of Kenshin's, seeming to crash together like the waves of a dark ocean, she visibly relaxed and sobbed once, brokenly. When Kenshin looked at her, she covered her mouth with one of her hands, not wanting Kenshin to have seen her cry. He turned her around to face him, letting his hands move up to hold her arms.
"Tell me what is wrong." It was not a request as Kaoru realized, watching the gentle purple of his eyes flash briefly with gold. She opened her mouth to say something but could not find any words. Kenshin's head dropped to his chest, his hands tightening slightly on her arms as he whispered, "I can't bear it when you're like this."
"Kenshin..." Kaoru started, voice stopping her from continuing with its threat to break. He looked up and Kaoru looked at him, shocked. While he looked so desirable with his red hair clinging to the lines of his face and his body was so close to hers, she was amazed to see the raw emotion he was feeling was being reflected in his golden eyes. Not purple... they were no longer purple.
Suddenly finding her breathing ragged, Kaoru tried to back away, halted by Kenshin's, no, Battousai's hands. He pulled her closer momentarily before opening them again to regard her with his gaze of gold. Rather than the violent rage that usually came with the change from Kenshin to Battousai, there was a controlled passion, seeping into her with an almost deadly accuracy. She could see his breath, a light mist in the cold rain, feel it brushing tantalizingly against her lips. For a mere second, as Battousai's head dipped to meet her lips, her eyes fluttered shut, reveling in the new sensations she was experiencing.
But as he brushed the slightest kiss against her mouth, a promise of intensity to come, Kaoru's eyes snapped open and she jerked away. Battousai's hold on her loosened and his eyes opened, confusion clouding over his gold irises. She backed away from him, eyes haunted, before standing and rushing away, stumbling only once in her haste to get back inside. Battousai watched as she fled from him, thoroughly troubled now. With his acute senses, he knew that she had felt the same desire he had barely seconds ago, but then a sharp stab of pain, so deep it couldn't be described with words, tore through her. The pain had shocked them both out of the kiss and had frightened Kaoru mindless.
Growling under his breath, Battousai decided that this wasn't going to go on any longer. He stood, pushing his hair away from his face and straightened his high ponytail before following Kaoru's path back inside. Spying the trail of water on the wood floor, Battousai followed easily and stopped at the washroom door, not sure what to do. Sliding the door open a little, he looked for Kaoru's form and found her in the warm water of the large square bath, still fully clothed, eyes closed and tears trailing down her cheeks.
Feeling despair and frustration soak in to him, he shoved the door open, stomped in, and climbed into the bath, wading to her through the depth of the water. His chilled skin warmed immediately with the contact of the water and he reached Kaoru whose eyes were open and looking almost fearfully at him. He placed his hands on either side of her, holding to the edge of the wall of the bath and stood in front of her, knowing that she was standing as well.
"Tell me what is wrong," he demanded, shocking her out of the stunned silence. "You are always so downcast when the weather turns grey and that is not the Kaoru I know!"
"Then you do not know the real Kaoru," she replied quietly, turning her head to the side. "This is really me, the part I always hide. I should think you would understand at least that much," she said, looking back at him.
"The more you hide the more this phantom in your mind will control you and eat away at your soul! That much I do know!" Battousai shouted at her, fingers gripping her arms.
"You know nothing of the shame I carry!" Kaoru spat at him before her face froze and she tried to escape him as she had in the yard. But Battousai would not release her, not this time, and he narrowed his eyes at her in confusion.
"Tell me," he said calmly. Kaoru merely looked at him, seeming to be torn between breaking down and crossing over the line to insanity. "Tell me of your shame," he repeated. "Secrets between us do not and will not ever reach the ears of another. You know of my bloody past, the dark secrets of my nightmares, and you have comforted my light and I. Allow me to see your nightmare and comfort you now." His golden gaze buried deep within Kaoru's ocean blue orbs, trying to reach her, show her how sincere he was.
Kaoru, for her part, was completely lost. Her mind kept replaying the moment of her dishonor and yet, all that she could see was Battousai's golden eyes. They called to her and held a strange warmth in them, so akin to the tenderness she saw so often in Kenshin's eyes. It was then that she realized the two had become one entity. She should have realized it earlier, the signs were so clear. For the last few months, Kenshin had been acting more protective and all-but a little more forceful in his occasional training sessions with Yahiko. In addition to the normal, kind constructive criticism, Kenshin had been 'pushing' Yahiko to do better, forcing him into offensive and defensive stances, often alternating rapidly between the two.
And now he stood before her, a man who had finally embraced his darker side and become a whole man. The only thing that differed now was the change of the eye color. She became faintly aware of his fingers on her arms, no longer holding her tightly in place but instead kneading her tense muscles and tracing circles over the fabric of her kimono. His touch left trails of liquid fire on her skin and she closed her eyes for a brief moment to strengthen her resolve.
"Kaoru?" he questioned, his breath warm against her still-drying hair. She felt tingling pinpricks travel the entire length of her body, resulting in a warm, heady feeling before she opened her glazed eyes to look at him.
Battousai felt a deep sorrow settle over him as he looked into Kaoru's eyes, filled with unshed tears. Letting go of her arm, his hand moved slowly to cup her face, brushing away the tears that fell with a gentle thumb. Kaoru turned her face into his palm, holding it there with her free hand. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead as Kenshin's comforting nature pushed through, them rested his chin on the top of her head. He felt his eyes change and knew it was for the last time. He did not have to look in a mirror or the water's reflection to know: they were a dark purple, lined with a thin layer of gold on the outer rim. No longer would he change from one to the other. Kaoru sighed and he slowly pulled away.
"I... I will tell you," Kaoru stated shakily. "But you must not rush me because they are painful memories that haven't been brought to the surface since they happened." Obediently, Battousai agreed and stepped away from her. She looked up at him and her eyebrows rose. "Before I tell you though, what shall I call you? You now have the eyes of both Kenshin and Battousai," she asked, "though that body of yours is obviously Battousai's," she added under her breath. Kenshin had heard her comment at the same time he had been questioning his own identity and then his eyes shimmered golden when he heard her add the fact about his body. Though he was a whole man now, he preferred the more masculine physique and stature that Battousai had rather than Kenshin's vertically challenged characteristic. He grinned crookedly at her.
"You can call me anything you want," he purred at her, folding his arms in a way that made Kaoru's heart skip a beat. "Perhaps Battousai in private and Kenshin when others are around would work best."
Kaoru gulped. "A-alright," she stammered, furiously trying to blink away the heat that had clouded over her eyes. Thinking of her memories poured a cold bucket of reality over her and, sighing, she climbed out of the bath and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around herself. "Follow me," she said quietly. Immediately becoming serious with Kaoru's abrupt change in demeanor, Battousai followed her out, grabbing a towel for himself as he did so. She padded down the hallway quietly and moved into her own room after sliding the door open. Battousai followed her in, his jaw dropping when he realized Kaoru had moved behind her changing screen.
He could see her silhouette perfectly through the thin, decorated paper and he suddenly found the room incredibly hot. Images of he and Kaoru in a much warmer... no, hot position came to mind and he shuddered. Dark gold shimmered over his eyes in deep desire before fading almost quicker than it appeared as Kaoru stepped out, wrapped in a dark blue robe and her face downcast, twisted with the pain of dark memories. She sat down on her futon and slowly took out her ponytail, the midnight black strands falling like curtains around her neck and face.
Battousai could once again feel the despair in the air, radiating from Kaoru's hunched form, as he sat in front of her on a cushion that was meant for the small table in her room. She seemed to shake as she took in unsteady breaths, then her eyes rose and met Battousai's for a brief moment before shying away again. Wrapping her arms around her knees as she brought them up to her chest, half a sob escaped her lips and a lone tear slid down her cheek before she began.
"I was, well, it wasn't so long ago, but it seems like lifetimes have gone by. It was before you came here. I was thirteen, young and naive, not able to comprehend the evils of the world. My father was still alive then and he had many students. They came from all over, from so many different backgrounds. Some were very young and others not so young, a few were skinny like poles and others a little more round, but all of them seemed happy. When my father wasn't teaching either the students or myself, I enjoyed spending time with them, getting to know them. They were all nice and friendly to me except for one. He seemed to ignore me, as if I was some annoying speck that he had to put up with. He was older than all the rest by quite a few years, eighteen or nineteen as I remember. His name was Shiko and his personality clashed with my father's, but he was a brilliant swordsman and learned so quickly, so my father allowed him to stay.
"Times got a little hard and some of father's students told my father they had to leave because their families could no longer afford the cost of the training. My father loved all of those boys, as if they were his own and he spoke with all of the parents of those boys who had to drop out and worked out a simpler, less expensive payment plan for those families only. He then went and spoke to the parents of the boys who could easily afford the training and found out that it would be alright to raise the cost only slightly for them, to aid in paying for the other less wealthy boys. There wasn't anyone that complained about my father's solution except for Shiko. For some reason, he was furious and became troublesome, picking on other students and striking them down. Repeatedly, my father warned him to stop, but Shiko persisted and finally my father had had enough," Kaoru said quietly, shivering as if a chilled wind had suddenly swept through the room.
"Shiko arrived as always that day, ready for his lesson and in a foul mood that only served to annoy my father. I was sitting beside my father as he had requested of me when Shiko walked through the doors of the dojo. His face gained a scowl on top of an already dour grimace and he bowed with mock respect before sinking to his knees before my father and I and laying his bokken across his lap.
"'Sensei,' he greeted my father, not even deeming to look him in the eyes.
"'Shiko,' my father replied, 'you are now and forever-more forbidden to enter these gates of this place, my home and school for young and aspiring swordsmen. You have demonstrated that, although you have the skill, your do not have the discipline or attitude of a true swordsman and warrior. A warrior must get along with his companions and fellow trainees because it is on them that he has to rely on if ever in battle. But you have shown me that you are like a spoiled child and a cruel *boy* who delights in being cruel to others who are smaller than you. That is not acceptable. Take all of your belongings and leave now,' my father commanded. Shiko sat silent for a mere moment before his eyes shifted to me and then to my father, growing dark in rage as he quickly got to his feet.
"'You will regret this day for the rest of your life Kamiya-sensei,' he spar as he clutched his bokken, causing his knuckles to turn white. 'You should have never turned me away.' His eyes shifted to me once again and I wanted to hide behind my father's back. Shiko's brown gaze was so threatening, promising retribution for what he thought was an unfair turn of events in his life.
"'You did this to yourself Shiko,' I remember my father saying to him. 'Now remove yourself from my property, you are now trespassing.' Shiko stomped out barely after my father said his last word," Kaoru said quietly.
"Why were you present for that?" Battousai asked suddenly, his voice lower than a whisper. Kaoru glanced at him and then turned her face towards her window to watch the rain continue to fall off of the roof in torrents.
"Because I was and am the heir of the school and he felt it would be beneficial for me to see how to deal with problems that would most certainly present themselves to me when he was gone. He was simply trying to help me and prepare me for the future," Kaoru sobbed. Dragging her sleeve across her face, she hid her red eyes and nose and wiped the tears away. She gasped suddenly and sat up, eyes looking determined even through the horror of the memories. "If I do not continue, I am afraid this nightmare will never pass through my lips again. Your question was harmless, but do not interrupt me again," Kaoru told Battousai softly. He nodded even though she didn't look at him and tried to force his muscles to relax. He remained tense however, knowing that Kaoru's deepest fear, her shame as she called it, had yet to be spoken.
"That night," Kaoru started again, "I went to sleep feeling so afraid. I had told my father about my unease but he was convinced it was because I had seem him deal out a true punishment, as I had never seen him do so before. While I wasn't so sure, I trusted him and climbed into bed. Sleep took its time coming to me, but I eventually drifted off, only to slip into the worst nightmare of my life.
"I was sleeping, deeply, drowning in a dream blacker than the night sky when I began to have trouble breathing. It was as though something was covering my face, but that wasn't, couldn't be it because I was dreaming. I fought against it, pushed at the obstruction that kept me from breathing freely. To say that I was frightened when I came into contact with an actual blanket over my face would be the greatest understatement ever. I was awake and as I continued to gain a more aware consciousness, I realized that there was a force keeping that blanket down.
"Rough hands began to pull at me, suddenly and without mercy. My clothes were torn from me and I knew my window was open because I could feel the cold night air flow over my naked body. A large body settled itself over me and I tried to gasp for air, my lungs were burning. It began to rain.
"I began to scream, scream so loud that my throat went raw and I was only choking out the plea for help. But not a soul came to my aid. Not only did the blanket over my face muffle my screams, but the consistent roaring and crashing of the thunder and lightning did as well. A feeling so much worse than doom fell upon me, more terrible than the black face of death, and I began to cry as my abuser stole from me the one thing I cherished above all others.
"He bit me, teeth sinking into the skin on my body, not for pleasure but for power. His hard hands held me in place, bruising me and pushing me down, hitting me and grabbing me. When I shuddered, he laughed and bit and slapped harder, inflicting as much pain as possible on me. I could feel a warm, sticky liquid on my stomach, breasts, and arms and knew it to be my own blood. The unmistakable metallic scent hung in the air as Shiko continued to dishonor me in a fashion worse than that of a murderous traitor.
"Yes, I knew it was Shiko, there was no doubt. More than a few things allowed me to know. Having trained with everyone and spent time with them I had become observant and could differentiate between each student by the smell of their sweat. Shiko always had a dark, musky smell that made you think of shadows that grew stronger when he was angry. That small drifted around me, mingling with the scent of my blood and turning my stomach as his touch threatened to cause me to empty the contents of my stomach.
"His touch was the second clue, something more physical than a smell. When he had been with my father in training, he had always favored his right hand over his left because the tips of all of his fingers and thumb had been burned away in a horrible accident when he was a child. There was no mistaking the feel of scarred, burnt skin against my own and it scratched me, bringing about more pain for myself and a stronger mindset of dominance for Shiko.
"There were other things that made me realize it was him but all of those thoughts flew from my mind as he pushed my legs apart roughly and then broke the seal of my innocence, pushing till I screamed as loud as I could. Nothing ever taught to me and no advice or knowledge given to me had ever prepared me for the pain that I felt. It ripped through my entire body and I screamed once more as if my very soul had been destroyed. All of the muscles in my body tightened and I felt blood all over my legs. He pulled away quickly and I heard him unsheathe a blade. My body was so blind with pain that I did not even realize the twin marks over my heart in the shape of an 'x' until later that morning after I had woken from an unconscious state. My father had found me then, blood caked all over me and black bruises everywhere that my blood was not.
I had not even moved when he left, frozen in place by the words he had whispered before he left, when he had grabbed my hair and spit into my ear, 'Now, you can never be the perfect heiress your father wants. You can never be with or love a man, ever, for he will know of your dishonor... in more ways than one.'"
As she whispered those last words, Kaoru collapsed on her bed, crying brokenly. The rain began to come down even harder, as if matching her tears in intensity. Battousai took in deep breaths of air, fighting desperately against the overwhelming urge to slaughter the man who had done this evil to his beloved Kaoru and take him apart piece by piece by piece. Only Kaoru's heart-wrenching cried stopped him. Never again would he leave her side, defenseless to the world that had only ever dealt her death, shame, and fear. First it was her mother who had died giving birth to her, then Kaoru herself had lived through this unspeakable ordeal, shortly after (no doubt) her father had also passed away, and then a few years later, he had walked in through the doors of her dojo and unconsciously placed his bloody past on her shoulders as well.
*No more!* he thought ferociously as he slowly crawled towards Kaoru and wrapped her in his arms. She did not even acknowledge him as he held her, whispering encouragement in her ears softly during her dark hour and rubbing her arms and back with gentle sincerity. *Never again will you have to face the darkness alone again, love. Not as long as I breathe,* he vowed.
***
End. What did you think? I've never even seen the show! Gah, can you believe it? I know nothing about the show and yet I'm writing fanfiction for it. I've been known to be a little strange. Did I totally screw up the characters? Well, if I did, I don't care because they needed to be this way for my fic. Review if you like, I sure like it when you do!
Atlantis *^_^*
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