*******************A Man Called Horse********************
A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz
2003
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
MORNING. WILL IS IN HIS DRESSING GOWN FIXING BREAKFAST.
GRACE ENTERS. SHE'S WEARING A SHORTIE NIGHTIE.
GRACE
Can I use your toilet? Mine's clogged with Kleenex.
WILL
Someone get a little tearful watching 'Ghost' on cable last night?
GRACE
Will, I cried my eyes out. It was so sad. So very very sad. Heartrending.
Demi Moore wearing bangs? Please. That is so over.
WILL
You want breakfast?
GRACE
(FROM LOO) No, thanks. Already eaten.
WILL
I'm making French toast.
Or as it's known these days - backward marching surrender monkey toast.
GRACE REENTERS
WILL
Wow, that nightie's sheer. Are those your nipples?
Or did you have muesli and spill a couple of raisins down the front.
GRACE
Just for that, I wasn't going to tell you, but I left the toilet seat down.
WILL
That's okay. Jack does it all the time.
GRACE
For your information, I'm giving this nightie a test run.
I think tonight might be the night Henry and I, y'know.
WILL
You still haven't slept with Henry? What is that - 5 dates?
GRACE
He's been a perfect gentleman. He hasn't even tried to feel me up.
Even though I put his hand there. Twice.
WILL
Wow. Normally by a fifth date your boyfriends have named both
your breasts and have your crotch as their forwarding address.
GRACE
I think he might be the one, Will.
WILL
Good for you, Grace.
grace
You like Henry, right?
WILL
What's it matter what I think?
GRACE
Nothing. Nothing. But you do like Henry, right?
WILL
He seems very nice. Very clean.
GRACE
Clean? What, are you my mother?
WILL
You know how to wound, Grace Adler.
GRACE EXITS
IN THE HALLWAY IS JACK
JACK
Grace, loving the new look. Are those your nipples?
Or did a bee sting you in two totally ironic places?
ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS. KAREN EXITS.
GRACE
Karen? What are you doing here this early in the morning?
KAREN
Early? Morning?
Grace, honey, are those some more of the imaginary words you make up?
Like 'diligent' and 'sobriety'?
JACK
Karen hasn't gone home yet. Trouble in the boudoir with Stan.
KAREN
His damn doctor has proscribed extra-strength viagara.
The kind they feed horses at stud farms.
I tell ya, the speed Stan was chasing me round the bed,
I'm thinking of entering him in the Kentucky Derby.
JACK
My poor baby.
KAREN
Honey, what's with the nightie? Are those your ---
GRACE
Yes, Karen, these are my nipples. (LIFTS NIGHTIE UP TO HER CHIN)
Look, World, Grace Adler has nipples!
AN ELDERLY TENANT PASSES BY. GETS AN EYEFUL
ELDERLY TENANT
NIce rack. Call me.
KAREN
Grace, honey. A word from the wise.
Next time you decide to play 'Show and Tell',
you might want to think about wearing panties.
JACK
Or getting a wax.
KAREN
Eeuuww!
JACK
Double eeuuww!
KAREN
Triple eeuuww!
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.
KAREN IS SEATED AT HER DESK MIXING A COCKTAIL.
GRACE ENTERS. SHE'S WEARING A BRIGHT HOOPED TOP.
KAREN
Honey, what is that? What's going on?
You look like a big tube of psychedelic Lifesavers.
PHONE RINGS. KAREN IGNORES IT.
GRACE
Well, aren't you going to answer it?
KAREN
Honey, I'm working here. These Margharitas won't mix themselves.
GRACE SNATCHES UP THE PHONE
GRACE
Grace Adler Design? Damn, they rang off.
Karen, that could have been important to my work.
KAREN
Sorry, hon, not following you?
GRACE
My work. My design work. My job.
KAREN
You're gonna have to spell it out for me.
JACK ENTERS
JACK
Why, Grace. You look like a big tube of psychedelic Lifesavers.
KAREN
I Said that. I said that.
JACK
Did not.
KAREN
Did too.
JACK
Did not.
KAREN
(SIGHS) She did too.
JACK
Omigod! You're so funny.
KAREN
No, you're funny.
JACK
No,you're funny.
GRACE
Alright, break it up, Abbot and Costello.What d'you want, Jack?
We - I- I have work to do.
JACK
I've come to ask Karen if she wants to hang out at the YMCA gym and play
'Spot the Buttock Implants'.
KAREN
Sure thing, honey. But no cheating this time.
Handling the merchandise is not allowed.
JACK
She knows me so well.
KAREN
I'm pretty much done here for the day anyway.
GRACE
Karen, it's 11.15.
KAREN
I'm really not getting you at all today, hon.
JACK AND KAREN EXIT
PHONE RINGS
GRACE
Grace Adler Design. Oh hi, Henry. Sure, I'd love to go out for a meal tonight.
8 o clock. Pick me up at my place.
INT. WILL'S OFFICE.
JACK ENTERS
WILL
Thanks for coming over so quickly, Jack. I've got a bit of a dilemma.
JACK
I understand, Will.
You can't decide what to get for my birthday present, can you?
Will I want Justin Timberlake or James Van der Beek.
WILL
Jack....
JACK
Giving it due consideration, I think Justin Timberlake wins by a head.
If you get my meaning.
I said, if you get my meaning.
WILL
Jack, cadavers in the morgue get your meaning. Unborn foetuses get your meaning.
And anyway, Justin Timberlake's not gay.
JACK
Wash your mouth out with soap!
Consider the evidence - high pitched voice, toned body, great dancer, cropped hair.
Guilty as charged, your honour.
WILL
How about he slept with Britney Spears and about a hunrdred other girls?
JACK
Admittedly, that does weaken my argument.
WILL
Hard as it may be for you to believe, my dilemma has nothing to do with you.
It's Grace's boyfriend, Henry. I think I saw him in a gay bar.
JACK
Ha! He swings both ways. He plays for both sides.
He walks both sides of the street.
WILL
'Good lord, Holmes, I think you've got it!'
JACK
Or mebbe he walked into a gay bar by mistake.
He wouldn't be the first straight guy to do that.
WILL
He was wearing black leather pants and a Gap singlet.
JACK
Oh he is so gay! Describe him. Perhaps I know him.
WILL
Tall. Well muscled. Neat hair.
JACK
Uh huh. That's pretty much my last thousand boyfriends.
WILL
Oh, and he's got a tattoo of a horse on his left shoulder.
JACK
Omigod! I know who you mean. Henry the horse.
WILL
Henry the horse? Why is he called Henry the horse?
(BEAT) Okay, forget I asked that dumb question.
JACK
Henry the horse makes Ron Jeremy look like an 8 year old boy.
WILL
Grace is going to be crushed.
JACK
I'll say. His thing must weigh at least ---
WILL
Crushed emotionally, you moron. She'll be devastated.
JACK
You're right. I'm so insensitive. (BEAT) Can I tell her? Please? Pretty please?
WILL
I'm her oldest friend. I'll tell her.
JACK
Aww! You get all the fun.
INT. EVENING. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL HAS TOLD GRACE THE NEWS. SHE IS DEVASTATED.
GRACE
I knew he was too good to be true. You're sure it was him?
WILL
I think so. I'm sorry.
Jack thinks he may be a notorious bisexual called Henry the horse.
GRACE
Why Henry the horse?
WILL
Take a minute.
GRACE
Why Henry the horse?
WILL
Take another minute.
GRACE
Seriously, why Henry the hor --- omigod!
WILL
And finally the bad penny drops.
GRACE
So he was living a lie all this time?
WILL
I guess so.
GRACE
I really thought he might be it, Will.
WILL
I know, babe. I'm sorry.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. HENRY ENTERS CARRYING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS.
HENRY
Grace, I thought I'd find you here. These are for you.
HANDS GRACE THE FLOWERS. GRACE STUFFS THEM UPSIDE DOWN INTO A VASE.
HENRY
Um, this is a wild stab in the dark. But is anything wrong?
GRACE
Let's see. Ooh, I know! You lied to me.
HENRY
Lied to you?
GRACE
That you're gay. Or bisexual.
HENRY
Grace, I swear. I'm neither of those things. I'm as straight as the next man.
WILL
Next man standing right here. And he's pretty gay.
GRACE
Will saw you in a gay bar. They call you Henry the horse.
HENRY
Grace, I have never been in a gay bar in my life.
And no one has ever called me Henry the horse.
GRACE
Oh really. Then how d'you explain this.
GRACE RIPS HENRY'S SHIRT OPEN.
GRACE
Whoa! No tattoo.
GRACE PULLS HENRY'S PANTS DOWN.
WILL
Whoa! No horse.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. LATER SAME EVENING.
GRACE HAS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS.
GRACE
Omigod. What the hell was I thinking? I yanked a man's pants round his ankles.
I almost never do that.
WILL
It would tend to discourage visiters.
GRACE
And what the hell were you thinking? You said he was in a gay bar.
And named Henry the horse.
WILL
Perhaps it's meant ironically? Like tall men called Tiny.
GRACE
Oh now he tells me.
WILL
Grace, I'm sorry. I swear he was in a gay bar. I never forget a face.
GRACE
Oh I suppose he had the tattoo removed and penis reduction operation
before coming here tonight?
WILL
Listen, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. I'll go after him and explain.
Where d'you think he's gone?
GRACE
There's a bar round the corner Henry likes. Hooters.
WILL
Hooters? Gay man in a bar called Hooters.
I think we can rule out my bringing a date home.
GRACE
Oh and when you tip the waitress? Put the bills in her cleavage,
tweak her nipples and shout 'kerching!'.
WILL
Kerching? Good to know. Good to know.
INT. HOOTERS BAR.
WILL ENTERS AND TRIES TO SPOT HENRY.
HE FINDS HIM IN A CORNER BOOTH.
WILL
May I sit here?
HENRY
What d'you want? Grace send you?
WILL
No. I'm just trying to figure out what happened.
Because I'm sure I saw you in a gay bar.
Horse tattoo? Left shoulder?
HENRY
You probably mean my mean my twin brother. I guess he must be in town.
We're not close. I thought he was in LA. He's big in the porn industry.
WILL
Yes, I've heard how big. His name's also Henry?
HENRY
Phineas. I guess he changed it.
WILL
Phineas the horse? Good call.
WAITRESS ARRIVES. A BLONDE WITH A HUGE RACK UNDER A TIGHT T SHIRT LABELLED 'HOOTERS'
WILL
My! I see you're taking no chances with the trades description laws.
WAITRESS
What can I get you?
WILL
I'm tempted to order a white wine spritzer, but I think it might raise the tone.
HENRY
Coupla beers.
WILL
Excuse me. Could I ask - don't you find this job degrading?
WAITRESS
My last job was giving over 60s colonic irrrigation. You tell me.
WILL
Do the boobs come with the job?
'Cause I'm a lawyer and I can get you a good tax deduction.
WAITRESS
I had these done in Mexico. Surgeon botchhed the job.
Haven't had any feeling in these puppies since 1997.
Say, you're pretty cute. I'm off at eleven.
WILL
Alas, my heterosexuality is as phoney as your boobs.
WAITRESS LEAVES
WILL
LIsten, Henry. I know it's none of my business, but Grace really likes you.
It might be worth another shot. What d'you say?
HENRY
Grace is pretty nice. Ah, what the hell.
WILL
It's not a Shakespeare sonnet, but sounds good to me.
INT. YMCA BAR.
KAREN AT THE BAR.
KAREN
Honey, what d'you call gin, vermouth and an olive?
BARTENDER
A martini?
KAREN
Love one. Thought you'd never ask.
Oh and honey, keep pouring till you see the soles of my Blahniks
and a paramedic jumpstarting my heart.
JACK ARRIVES FROM THE LOCKER ROOM
JACK
Omigod! I just met this total hottie. His name's Eduardo. He's an actor.
Well actually, he's a chef at Dunkin Donuts. But he thirsts for the stage.
KAREN
Speaking of thirst. Where are my martini's? Keep up, honey.
JACK
I think he's the One, Karen.
KAREN
Oh LOrd, another - One. Introduce me, hon.
JACK
Ok. One small detail - I told him you and I are married. You're my Sugar Mommie.
KAREN
Why would you do that, hon?
JACK
Oh you know me - big drama queen. Our's is a loveless, barren marriage.
So play along.
KAREN
Sounds like a fairytale romance. You're the fairy. I'm the tail.
EDUARDO ARRIVES
JAVK
Eduardo, this is my wife, Karen.
EDUARDO
NIce to meet you.
KAREN
Charmed, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm the sugar momma. I'm loaded, honey.
In more ways than one.
JACK
Ok. That's over with. Bye, Karen.
KAREN
Not so fast, Jack McFarlane. Have you forgotten our marriage contract?
Page 82. Paragraph 18. Clause 15B. 'Each Tuesday you will pleasure
me every which way till I yell for mercy or the bed collapses.
Which ever comes first.'
JACK
Have you forgotten, oh wife of mine, that my attorney, Will Truman,
annulled that contract 2 months ago.
KAREN
I have my conjugal rights. I demand to be conjugated!
KAREN GRABS JACK AND KISSES HIM FULL ON THE MOUTH. JACK STRUGGLES FREE.
EDUARDO
Listen, you two obviously have issues. I'll go.
JACK
I'm coming with you.
KAREN
Not so fast, light of my life
.
KAREN GRABS JACK AND PRESSES HIS HEAD BETWEEN HER BOOBS. JACK STRUGGLES FREE.
JACK
Jesus, Karen. I nearly suffocated!
EDUARDO
I'd better go.
JACK
Me too.
KAREN
Oh Jack. I forgot. The doctor rang.
He said the tests were inconclusive, but to keep on using the ointment.
And not to worry about the pus discharge.
EDUARDO
Eeuuwww! What are you - diseased?
EDUARDO LEAVES
JACK
Well thank you very much, Karen Walker. You just cost me the love of my life.
KAREN
No, honey. Look. He's found someone else already.
JACK
Why that little tramp.
KAREN
Fickle fudge packer.
JACK
Gay Benjamin Franklin.
KAREN
I like mine better.
JACK
Me too. Fickle fudge packer.
KAREN
C'mon honey, let's go to Tiffany's. I'll buy you a nice little Rolex thingy.
JACK
Ooh ooh! Can I have a matching bracelet?
KAREN
Sure, hon.
JACK
Ooh ooh! Can I have a matching tie clasp?
KAREN
Sure, hon.
JACK
Ooh ooh! Can I have a matching Porsche coupe?
KAREN
Nice try, hon.
JACK
Damn! I always go too far. I never know when to stop.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL AND GRACE.
WILL
You blew him off? After I risked my reputation visiting a straight bar.
And you blow him off?
GRACE
After all that happened, I just felt he wasn't the one.
WILL
He was the one till you yanked his pants down.
Omigod! It's the size thing, isn't it?
GRACE
How can you think me so shallow?
WILL
Oh, perhaps cause I know you.
GRACE
Ok, you're right. But in my defence it was very small.
WILL
Like a tiny acorn. Only it wouldn't grow into a mighty oak.
GRACE
Ever see one smaller?
WILL
Once. It was a very cold winter.
GRACE
Am I so terrible to make such a big deal out of such a small thing?
WILL
No. Of course not. Physical compatibility is just as important
as emotional capatibility.
The heart wants what the heart wants. The y'know wants what the y'know wants.
GRACE
I love you, Will Truman.
WILL
I love you too, you crazy mixed up kid.
THEY HUG
WILL
I know, let's cheer ourselves up by watching 'American Idol' on tv.
We can make bitchy comments about the contestants.
GRACE
Yeah, like we've never done that before.
WILL
(SIMON COWELL BRIT ACCENT) That was absolute rubbish. You should be taken out and shot.
GRACE
Ooh, ooh! I can be Paula Abdul! Wait here while I get my fat pants.
THE END
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***
A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz
2003
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
MORNING. WILL IS IN HIS DRESSING GOWN FIXING BREAKFAST.
GRACE ENTERS. SHE'S WEARING A SHORTIE NIGHTIE.
GRACE
Can I use your toilet? Mine's clogged with Kleenex.
WILL
Someone get a little tearful watching 'Ghost' on cable last night?
GRACE
Will, I cried my eyes out. It was so sad. So very very sad. Heartrending.
Demi Moore wearing bangs? Please. That is so over.
WILL
You want breakfast?
GRACE
(FROM LOO) No, thanks. Already eaten.
WILL
I'm making French toast.
Or as it's known these days - backward marching surrender monkey toast.
GRACE REENTERS
WILL
Wow, that nightie's sheer. Are those your nipples?
Or did you have muesli and spill a couple of raisins down the front.
GRACE
Just for that, I wasn't going to tell you, but I left the toilet seat down.
WILL
That's okay. Jack does it all the time.
GRACE
For your information, I'm giving this nightie a test run.
I think tonight might be the night Henry and I, y'know.
WILL
You still haven't slept with Henry? What is that - 5 dates?
GRACE
He's been a perfect gentleman. He hasn't even tried to feel me up.
Even though I put his hand there. Twice.
WILL
Wow. Normally by a fifth date your boyfriends have named both
your breasts and have your crotch as their forwarding address.
GRACE
I think he might be the one, Will.
WILL
Good for you, Grace.
grace
You like Henry, right?
WILL
What's it matter what I think?
GRACE
Nothing. Nothing. But you do like Henry, right?
WILL
He seems very nice. Very clean.
GRACE
Clean? What, are you my mother?
WILL
You know how to wound, Grace Adler.
GRACE EXITS
IN THE HALLWAY IS JACK
JACK
Grace, loving the new look. Are those your nipples?
Or did a bee sting you in two totally ironic places?
ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS. KAREN EXITS.
GRACE
Karen? What are you doing here this early in the morning?
KAREN
Early? Morning?
Grace, honey, are those some more of the imaginary words you make up?
Like 'diligent' and 'sobriety'?
JACK
Karen hasn't gone home yet. Trouble in the boudoir with Stan.
KAREN
His damn doctor has proscribed extra-strength viagara.
The kind they feed horses at stud farms.
I tell ya, the speed Stan was chasing me round the bed,
I'm thinking of entering him in the Kentucky Derby.
JACK
My poor baby.
KAREN
Honey, what's with the nightie? Are those your ---
GRACE
Yes, Karen, these are my nipples. (LIFTS NIGHTIE UP TO HER CHIN)
Look, World, Grace Adler has nipples!
AN ELDERLY TENANT PASSES BY. GETS AN EYEFUL
ELDERLY TENANT
NIce rack. Call me.
KAREN
Grace, honey. A word from the wise.
Next time you decide to play 'Show and Tell',
you might want to think about wearing panties.
JACK
Or getting a wax.
KAREN
Eeuuww!
JACK
Double eeuuww!
KAREN
Triple eeuuww!
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.
KAREN IS SEATED AT HER DESK MIXING A COCKTAIL.
GRACE ENTERS. SHE'S WEARING A BRIGHT HOOPED TOP.
KAREN
Honey, what is that? What's going on?
You look like a big tube of psychedelic Lifesavers.
PHONE RINGS. KAREN IGNORES IT.
GRACE
Well, aren't you going to answer it?
KAREN
Honey, I'm working here. These Margharitas won't mix themselves.
GRACE SNATCHES UP THE PHONE
GRACE
Grace Adler Design? Damn, they rang off.
Karen, that could have been important to my work.
KAREN
Sorry, hon, not following you?
GRACE
My work. My design work. My job.
KAREN
You're gonna have to spell it out for me.
JACK ENTERS
JACK
Why, Grace. You look like a big tube of psychedelic Lifesavers.
KAREN
I Said that. I said that.
JACK
Did not.
KAREN
Did too.
JACK
Did not.
KAREN
(SIGHS) She did too.
JACK
Omigod! You're so funny.
KAREN
No, you're funny.
JACK
No,you're funny.
GRACE
Alright, break it up, Abbot and Costello.What d'you want, Jack?
We - I- I have work to do.
JACK
I've come to ask Karen if she wants to hang out at the YMCA gym and play
'Spot the Buttock Implants'.
KAREN
Sure thing, honey. But no cheating this time.
Handling the merchandise is not allowed.
JACK
She knows me so well.
KAREN
I'm pretty much done here for the day anyway.
GRACE
Karen, it's 11.15.
KAREN
I'm really not getting you at all today, hon.
JACK AND KAREN EXIT
PHONE RINGS
GRACE
Grace Adler Design. Oh hi, Henry. Sure, I'd love to go out for a meal tonight.
8 o clock. Pick me up at my place.
INT. WILL'S OFFICE.
JACK ENTERS
WILL
Thanks for coming over so quickly, Jack. I've got a bit of a dilemma.
JACK
I understand, Will.
You can't decide what to get for my birthday present, can you?
Will I want Justin Timberlake or James Van der Beek.
WILL
Jack....
JACK
Giving it due consideration, I think Justin Timberlake wins by a head.
If you get my meaning.
I said, if you get my meaning.
WILL
Jack, cadavers in the morgue get your meaning. Unborn foetuses get your meaning.
And anyway, Justin Timberlake's not gay.
JACK
Wash your mouth out with soap!
Consider the evidence - high pitched voice, toned body, great dancer, cropped hair.
Guilty as charged, your honour.
WILL
How about he slept with Britney Spears and about a hunrdred other girls?
JACK
Admittedly, that does weaken my argument.
WILL
Hard as it may be for you to believe, my dilemma has nothing to do with you.
It's Grace's boyfriend, Henry. I think I saw him in a gay bar.
JACK
Ha! He swings both ways. He plays for both sides.
He walks both sides of the street.
WILL
'Good lord, Holmes, I think you've got it!'
JACK
Or mebbe he walked into a gay bar by mistake.
He wouldn't be the first straight guy to do that.
WILL
He was wearing black leather pants and a Gap singlet.
JACK
Oh he is so gay! Describe him. Perhaps I know him.
WILL
Tall. Well muscled. Neat hair.
JACK
Uh huh. That's pretty much my last thousand boyfriends.
WILL
Oh, and he's got a tattoo of a horse on his left shoulder.
JACK
Omigod! I know who you mean. Henry the horse.
WILL
Henry the horse? Why is he called Henry the horse?
(BEAT) Okay, forget I asked that dumb question.
JACK
Henry the horse makes Ron Jeremy look like an 8 year old boy.
WILL
Grace is going to be crushed.
JACK
I'll say. His thing must weigh at least ---
WILL
Crushed emotionally, you moron. She'll be devastated.
JACK
You're right. I'm so insensitive. (BEAT) Can I tell her? Please? Pretty please?
WILL
I'm her oldest friend. I'll tell her.
JACK
Aww! You get all the fun.
INT. EVENING. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL HAS TOLD GRACE THE NEWS. SHE IS DEVASTATED.
GRACE
I knew he was too good to be true. You're sure it was him?
WILL
I think so. I'm sorry.
Jack thinks he may be a notorious bisexual called Henry the horse.
GRACE
Why Henry the horse?
WILL
Take a minute.
GRACE
Why Henry the horse?
WILL
Take another minute.
GRACE
Seriously, why Henry the hor --- omigod!
WILL
And finally the bad penny drops.
GRACE
So he was living a lie all this time?
WILL
I guess so.
GRACE
I really thought he might be it, Will.
WILL
I know, babe. I'm sorry.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. HENRY ENTERS CARRYING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS.
HENRY
Grace, I thought I'd find you here. These are for you.
HANDS GRACE THE FLOWERS. GRACE STUFFS THEM UPSIDE DOWN INTO A VASE.
HENRY
Um, this is a wild stab in the dark. But is anything wrong?
GRACE
Let's see. Ooh, I know! You lied to me.
HENRY
Lied to you?
GRACE
That you're gay. Or bisexual.
HENRY
Grace, I swear. I'm neither of those things. I'm as straight as the next man.
WILL
Next man standing right here. And he's pretty gay.
GRACE
Will saw you in a gay bar. They call you Henry the horse.
HENRY
Grace, I have never been in a gay bar in my life.
And no one has ever called me Henry the horse.
GRACE
Oh really. Then how d'you explain this.
GRACE RIPS HENRY'S SHIRT OPEN.
GRACE
Whoa! No tattoo.
GRACE PULLS HENRY'S PANTS DOWN.
WILL
Whoa! No horse.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. LATER SAME EVENING.
GRACE HAS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS.
GRACE
Omigod. What the hell was I thinking? I yanked a man's pants round his ankles.
I almost never do that.
WILL
It would tend to discourage visiters.
GRACE
And what the hell were you thinking? You said he was in a gay bar.
And named Henry the horse.
WILL
Perhaps it's meant ironically? Like tall men called Tiny.
GRACE
Oh now he tells me.
WILL
Grace, I'm sorry. I swear he was in a gay bar. I never forget a face.
GRACE
Oh I suppose he had the tattoo removed and penis reduction operation
before coming here tonight?
WILL
Listen, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. I'll go after him and explain.
Where d'you think he's gone?
GRACE
There's a bar round the corner Henry likes. Hooters.
WILL
Hooters? Gay man in a bar called Hooters.
I think we can rule out my bringing a date home.
GRACE
Oh and when you tip the waitress? Put the bills in her cleavage,
tweak her nipples and shout 'kerching!'.
WILL
Kerching? Good to know. Good to know.
INT. HOOTERS BAR.
WILL ENTERS AND TRIES TO SPOT HENRY.
HE FINDS HIM IN A CORNER BOOTH.
WILL
May I sit here?
HENRY
What d'you want? Grace send you?
WILL
No. I'm just trying to figure out what happened.
Because I'm sure I saw you in a gay bar.
Horse tattoo? Left shoulder?
HENRY
You probably mean my mean my twin brother. I guess he must be in town.
We're not close. I thought he was in LA. He's big in the porn industry.
WILL
Yes, I've heard how big. His name's also Henry?
HENRY
Phineas. I guess he changed it.
WILL
Phineas the horse? Good call.
WAITRESS ARRIVES. A BLONDE WITH A HUGE RACK UNDER A TIGHT T SHIRT LABELLED 'HOOTERS'
WILL
My! I see you're taking no chances with the trades description laws.
WAITRESS
What can I get you?
WILL
I'm tempted to order a white wine spritzer, but I think it might raise the tone.
HENRY
Coupla beers.
WILL
Excuse me. Could I ask - don't you find this job degrading?
WAITRESS
My last job was giving over 60s colonic irrrigation. You tell me.
WILL
Do the boobs come with the job?
'Cause I'm a lawyer and I can get you a good tax deduction.
WAITRESS
I had these done in Mexico. Surgeon botchhed the job.
Haven't had any feeling in these puppies since 1997.
Say, you're pretty cute. I'm off at eleven.
WILL
Alas, my heterosexuality is as phoney as your boobs.
WAITRESS LEAVES
WILL
LIsten, Henry. I know it's none of my business, but Grace really likes you.
It might be worth another shot. What d'you say?
HENRY
Grace is pretty nice. Ah, what the hell.
WILL
It's not a Shakespeare sonnet, but sounds good to me.
INT. YMCA BAR.
KAREN AT THE BAR.
KAREN
Honey, what d'you call gin, vermouth and an olive?
BARTENDER
A martini?
KAREN
Love one. Thought you'd never ask.
Oh and honey, keep pouring till you see the soles of my Blahniks
and a paramedic jumpstarting my heart.
JACK ARRIVES FROM THE LOCKER ROOM
JACK
Omigod! I just met this total hottie. His name's Eduardo. He's an actor.
Well actually, he's a chef at Dunkin Donuts. But he thirsts for the stage.
KAREN
Speaking of thirst. Where are my martini's? Keep up, honey.
JACK
I think he's the One, Karen.
KAREN
Oh LOrd, another - One. Introduce me, hon.
JACK
Ok. One small detail - I told him you and I are married. You're my Sugar Mommie.
KAREN
Why would you do that, hon?
JACK
Oh you know me - big drama queen. Our's is a loveless, barren marriage.
So play along.
KAREN
Sounds like a fairytale romance. You're the fairy. I'm the tail.
EDUARDO ARRIVES
JAVK
Eduardo, this is my wife, Karen.
EDUARDO
NIce to meet you.
KAREN
Charmed, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm the sugar momma. I'm loaded, honey.
In more ways than one.
JACK
Ok. That's over with. Bye, Karen.
KAREN
Not so fast, Jack McFarlane. Have you forgotten our marriage contract?
Page 82. Paragraph 18. Clause 15B. 'Each Tuesday you will pleasure
me every which way till I yell for mercy or the bed collapses.
Which ever comes first.'
JACK
Have you forgotten, oh wife of mine, that my attorney, Will Truman,
annulled that contract 2 months ago.
KAREN
I have my conjugal rights. I demand to be conjugated!
KAREN GRABS JACK AND KISSES HIM FULL ON THE MOUTH. JACK STRUGGLES FREE.
EDUARDO
Listen, you two obviously have issues. I'll go.
JACK
I'm coming with you.
KAREN
Not so fast, light of my life
.
KAREN GRABS JACK AND PRESSES HIS HEAD BETWEEN HER BOOBS. JACK STRUGGLES FREE.
JACK
Jesus, Karen. I nearly suffocated!
EDUARDO
I'd better go.
JACK
Me too.
KAREN
Oh Jack. I forgot. The doctor rang.
He said the tests were inconclusive, but to keep on using the ointment.
And not to worry about the pus discharge.
EDUARDO
Eeuuwww! What are you - diseased?
EDUARDO LEAVES
JACK
Well thank you very much, Karen Walker. You just cost me the love of my life.
KAREN
No, honey. Look. He's found someone else already.
JACK
Why that little tramp.
KAREN
Fickle fudge packer.
JACK
Gay Benjamin Franklin.
KAREN
I like mine better.
JACK
Me too. Fickle fudge packer.
KAREN
C'mon honey, let's go to Tiffany's. I'll buy you a nice little Rolex thingy.
JACK
Ooh ooh! Can I have a matching bracelet?
KAREN
Sure, hon.
JACK
Ooh ooh! Can I have a matching tie clasp?
KAREN
Sure, hon.
JACK
Ooh ooh! Can I have a matching Porsche coupe?
KAREN
Nice try, hon.
JACK
Damn! I always go too far. I never know when to stop.
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.
WILL AND GRACE.
WILL
You blew him off? After I risked my reputation visiting a straight bar.
And you blow him off?
GRACE
After all that happened, I just felt he wasn't the one.
WILL
He was the one till you yanked his pants down.
Omigod! It's the size thing, isn't it?
GRACE
How can you think me so shallow?
WILL
Oh, perhaps cause I know you.
GRACE
Ok, you're right. But in my defence it was very small.
WILL
Like a tiny acorn. Only it wouldn't grow into a mighty oak.
GRACE
Ever see one smaller?
WILL
Once. It was a very cold winter.
GRACE
Am I so terrible to make such a big deal out of such a small thing?
WILL
No. Of course not. Physical compatibility is just as important
as emotional capatibility.
The heart wants what the heart wants. The y'know wants what the y'know wants.
GRACE
I love you, Will Truman.
WILL
I love you too, you crazy mixed up kid.
THEY HUG
WILL
I know, let's cheer ourselves up by watching 'American Idol' on tv.
We can make bitchy comments about the contestants.
GRACE
Yeah, like we've never done that before.
WILL
(SIMON COWELL BRIT ACCENT) That was absolute rubbish. You should be taken out and shot.
GRACE
Ooh, ooh! I can be Paula Abdul! Wait here while I get my fat pants.
THE END
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