Disclaimer: ~crying~ Oh Yus-chan!!! Why oh why do I not own you?! I want to!!! But I don't!!
Author's note: Well, I got one review for the last chapter and that made me very happy! But I really wish I could get more... ~sniffles~ That's okay! I love writing this fic and I hope you guys love reading it! Well, I should tell you a bit about how the format is gonna be... One chapter is gonna be Yusuke writing in his journal and the other is gonna be third person... I still don't know if it's gonna be a YusukexKurama but stick and find out!
Another thing... I'm leaving to Brazil in three days so if no new chapters come out in the next month or so, that's why. I'm hoping to get my hands on a computer and an internet, but you never know...
Ok, that's it! Sorry to bore you guys but now you can go and read the fic!!
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Thoughts of My Mind- Doubts and Belief
By Lilas
Saturday, November 13
10:40AM
Dear Journal,
Have you ever wondered why the hell your life is so fucking incredibly messed up?! I mean, do you believe in karma and that you fucked up in your past life and that you're now paying the price for your past incompetence? Or is it that the 'Big Boss' up there, who I happen to know, is laughing his big fat mouth at you and trying his best to make your life miserable?
Yesterday, when Kurama came over, he tried to get me to talk about what was bothering me… What was I supposed to say, dammit?! I'm starting to get depressed because I'm hopelessly in love with you and all you do is talk to me about Hiei?! I couldn't say that… Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't. After all, I'd already told him that I didn't mind and that I actually enjoyed listening to him… Well, that wasn't really a lie. I did enjoy listening to him… just didn't enjoy listening to him talk about that asshole! There's a difference, right?
So I just sat there, listening to him cry and whine about how the fire demon wouldn't talk to him and kept avoiding him whenever they were together… and it hurt more than dying. I should know… I don't understand why Hiei won't accept Kurama's help. If my life was as messed up as Hiei's (which I'm starting to wonder about), I would jump at the opportunity to have someone to hang on to... Or would I?
I don't know… Kuwabara's been trying to get me to talk and I've seriously been debating whether I should or not… I really want to tell someone, someone real who can give me advice on what to do to make all this hurt and guilt go away… But whenever I make my mind up to talk to him, I get scared. I don't know of what or even why I get so frightened, but I just… do. And it fucking bugs me!
I mean, how are people supposed to help me if I won't take the first step and talk to them? I need to talk to them. I know that much, but I can't seem to be able to make myself talk... How can I tell them my problems without telling them? Is it even possible? This is so confusing... What am I gonna do? What if I do something stupid? Then what?
Well, for one, Botan would kick my ass to the Makai and back and then I think Koenma would have his turn... I wonder if Koenma knows about the hurt I'm going through... That annoying little brat always seemed to know when I had a problem, so where is he now? Where's that little horror when I need him the most?!
I'm so scared... I'm so lonely... I don't know if Kurama understood me when I told him I was afraid for my mom. She can get carried away when she's alone and do really stupid stuff... Stuff I wouldn't even do! I've caught her doing some really dumb things once or twice, and that was in the house... Now I don't even know where she is or with whom she is! She could be doing anything... From drugging herself to killing herself!
I... I don't want her to die... She may not be the best mother out there, or act like a mother at all, but I love her... Gods do I love her! I don't think I've ever told her though... That would be the thing I would most regret if she dies. To never have told her how much I love her and worry about her...
This is not fair! She's not the one that's supposed to go out and get drunk and drugged, I am! I'm the bad kid here... She's the one that's supposed to be safe and sound at home watching TV or worrying about my sorry ass... Not the other way around.... Not this way.
I keep wiping my tears from my face and looking up at the door, expecting her to barge in more drunk than a dragon that's drunk milk, but she's not coming... I've been waiting for a week, and she still hasn't shown up. I'm so worried about her... She's never gone out this long without calling or telling me she'd be coming home later than expected, and it scares me.
What if something happened to her? What if- what if she's dead and I don't know? What if she's hurt...? I don't know what to do anymore. I want to talk to someone about this... I wonder if Kuwabara's home. No, I can't call. I have to talk to him face to face, but I don't know if I'll have enough courage to tell him everything... Everything, including my constant peeking at the razor.
I think that's what scares me the most. The fear of how far I would go if things went really down hill. They say after you've hit rock bottom, there's nothing else to do but climb back up... If that's true, then how come people commit suicide? I think that's going even further than rock bottom, ne? I mean, to climb back up, you have to have some sort of light, of hope... But those that don't sink even further, right?
I wonder if I'll ever do that... Commit suicide that is. I don't want to, Gods know I don't, but what if, one day, I'm lost and everything is going wrong and I can't take it anymore... Then what? Would I stop and think and tell myself it's just another bad day or would I blow everything to hell and snatch that fucking razor out of the sink? I don't know...
Honestly, I don't even want to think about it... I'm too much of a coward to do or think about that. It's funny figuring what I do for a hobby, don't you think? I wish Keiko were here... Then I'd have someone to talk to who knows me more than I know myself. She could pinpoint what was wrong with me by just looking at my face! I need her to be here... I need her to help me climb back up...
She's called once since she left to America... She was calling from her house and said she could only talk a little bit because the bill was going to kill her parents. We talked for five minutes or so and caught up in all the news, but five minutes isn't enough... I didn't have time to tell her about my disastrous love life... I wish she'd visit. She said she'd call when she would, but it's been almost a year since I last heard from her...
But her education is much more important than calling me... Isn't it? If she gets a good job, then she can call me all the time! And we could talk for hours and hours until we'd grow tired of each other... It'd be nice...
Look at that, I'm smiling... I haven't smiled in a while. I've been too busy worrying about 'Kasaan and school... Test week is coming up and I have to pay more attention than ever... I haven't had time to get into fights much lately and I guess it should be a good thing; but the truth is that it's a way to relieve my pent up stress and I since I haven't fought in awhile, I'm ready to blow! That's okay though... I'm learning how to control myself...
Well, it's eleven and I'm getting hungry... Once again there's nothing to eat here because I don't have enough money to buy food at the supermarket so I'll have to settle for fast food... I'm gonna go look for a part time job today, see what I find... I need some money and fast. I'm too stubborn to ask anyone to lend me some and I can't wait for 'Kasaan to send me what she has... Besides, I have to pay the school soon.
I'll be going then. Until next time I write, ne? Not like you have any saying in this...
Yusuke.