Chapter 2: They're Our Bodies and We'll Do What We Want To
***
'Frodo - I think it would be best if you gave Legolas back his bow and arrows,' said Aragorn, as Frodo's new Elven form proved not so compatible with his hobbit mind. Merry, pinned against the tree, gave Frodo a weak grin. 'Y-yes, you do that,' he encouraged, and then dashed away.
'Come back with my body!' shouted Boromir. It was quite comical to see Boromir's body go running shakily away with Pippin's miniscule but enraged form close behind him.
A loud scream came racketing through the trees, closely followed by the real Pippin. 'What? What?' cried Aragorn, running to him as fast as his hobbit body could run.
'Call - of nature,' gasped Pippin breathlessly, and proceeded to mime awkwardly. Frodo smirked with his newly acquired Elvish smugness, for which all, including the owner of the body, wished to punch him. 'What did he say?' asked Aragorn blankly.
Frodo looked at Gimli. 'He said he had an urgent call of nature and - got scared,' he chuckled. Gimli the Ranger scowled. 'Tis not my fault I was born that way,' he retorted. 'It's the natural dwarven heritage.' Frodo almost collapsed in his fit of laughter. Gimli raised Aragorn's fist threatingly, so Master Baggins the Elf quickly regained his composure, but could not hide the trembling of supressed giggles. This having been the third stop they had made since continuing once again, they were not making very good progress as yet.
'Right you lot, whoever each of you now are,' said Gandalf loudly, standing up and glaring at all of them. 'We are now departing. Grab your packs and let's go.'
***
'Gandalf! Merry's looking down my pants again!'
'Merry, stop looking down Boromir's pants. We don't need you awake at night with terrible dreams.'
Boromir paused for a moment in thought, then with an indignant scowl said, 'Was that an insult?'
'Your entrapment in that Took's body, has clearly slowed your mind,' said Gandalf, lighting his pipe with a whimsical shine to his eyes. Merry looked up from the depths of his - rather Boromir's - pants with a confused crease on his brow, and at length said, 'So, I have to put up with this for however long it takes Gandalf to find this spell?'
Yet again Boromir scowled.
Aragorn was rather bad-tempered. Not only had he found that he could no longer wield his famed and highly prized Blade That Was Broken, but those huge feet he had to learn to get around in were not at all to his liking. Several times he had tripped, and been severely reprimanded by Merry son of Denethor. Also, the thought of Gimli having control of his mouth and mind was something he would rather not have thoughts about.
Frodo, however, was very much amused by this whole ordeal. Not only did he get to flaunt Legolas' sexy Elven body for the time being, while the Elf was stuck in the portly form of Sam, but he got to look down on Aragorn and Boromir and that irritating Elven prince! Fortune was smiling on him! Praise Elbereth for this grand change of luck, he thought with that Elven smugness. However, on seeing everyone staring at him with lowered brows and raised fists, the smugness fled into hiding and he gave them a weak grin instead.
'What?'
'Just be glad raising a fist against you has been illegalised,' said Aragorn in a temper, thoroughly fed up with their situation. 'Elrond spoils all the fun,' whined Boromir, and then paused. 'Did I actually say that and whinge just then?'
'Gandalf, is there even a reversal spell?' said Legolas in exasperation. Gandalf, who had been sidling warily away and trying to appear inconspicuous, ceased his sidling and stood straight, clearing his throat. 'Ah, er, well,' he muttered, and coughed nervously. 'I - uh - do not believe there is. However,' he added, as every one began to close in on him with insane looks on their faces and hands outstretched, 'it will change.'
Merry paused and scratched Boromir's now strangely tangled locks, getting his finger caught and having to wrench it out and spoil the whole "pensive- hobbit" thing. 'How exactly do you mean?' he asked, looking with distaste on the dredlock that appeared to have snaked its way around his finger of its own accord. 'Boromir, do you even know what a brush is? Or should I say garden rake? Actually, that looks a lot like my hair ... '
'I have been doing a lot of thinking of late,' announced Gandalf in his "I-have-struck-upon-an-irrelevant-conclusion" voice.
Aragorn tried to smother a snigger with a hand, but failed miserably.
Gandalf glared at him. 'As I was saying,' he continued gruffly. 'I have been thinking, and I remembered something about this particular spell. You see - '
'See what?' said Boromir quickly, glancing around, and then stood there looking stupid. 'This body is really starting to affect me ... '
'You see - ' Gandalf started again, ' - the bodies you are in now will gradually begin to change back into your former selves; therefore eventually you will be returned to your normal state, but you will have to be patient. These things take time.'
'Just like I will when I strangle you,' mumbled Aragorn. 'Prolong the suffering.'
'Any hoo,' said Pippin, clapping his hands, an accurate impression of the Hobbiton kindergarten teacher, whether or not the impression was intended. Gimli looked minorly offended at seeing his body behaving in such a child - er - hobbitlike way, but said nothing, having Aragorn to saunter around in as compensation. He quite enjoyed being the tallest of the company, and definately enjoyed the boundless authority that now came with it.
'We had best be going. Long ways to go yet,' said Merry, stamping on the dredlock in bewilderment, just to make sure it was well and truly dead.
'Yes, yes,' said Gandalf, perching his hat jauntily on his head and looking to the south. 'It is time we faced to long dark of Moria.'
'Out of the freezer and into - the freezer?' said Boromir, and looked rather bemused at that. His usual quick wit and irritating sarcasm seemed to have vanished, replaced by a complete and utter loss of wit and sarcasm. Stupid Tooks, he thought in a sombre thought voice, which was quickly followed by some song regarding ale houses and he found himself skipping merrily along after the others, before he managed to regain any self control he might have had before the accident and tried to maintain what dignity Pippin had not already stolen from him. Stupid Tooks, he thought again, and inevitably the ale song started up again and he fell into a peculiar pattern of humming, grumbling, skipping, stomping, whistling and muttering unpleasant curses under his breath.
Stupid Tooks ... Ho ho ho! To the bottle I go ... No! Must - control - self ... To heal my heart and drown my woe ... Oh, to Mordor with it!
***
And so, in this peculiar fashion (namely the uninvited tenant affected by the remnants of the usual resident), they found themselves staring up a bleak wall of inpregnable black stone. 'Eep,' squeaked Aragorn, and hastily clapped a hand over his mouth, casting a venomous glare at Merry son of the Gondorian Steward's direction. Why, oh, why! was he the one to be caught within a cowardly squirt? Why?
'It would appear,' decreed Gandalf, placing a hand against the cliff face, 'that nothing is appearing.' 'No, really?' muttered Legolas. 'I hadn't noticed.'
No, you probably hadn't, Faerie Prince,' shot Boromir with a hint of his customary wittiness, and smirked as Legolas, yet again, scowled with an extra helping of indignance; and felt quite pleased with the fact that he was not entirely one-hundred percent Took, thank Valya.
So, while Gandalf let out a vulgar stream of expletives when every spell he could recollect, which was hard as old age was finally setting in, failed to open the Gates, and took to bashing it pointlessly with his staff instead, Pippin of Erebor and Merry of Minas-Tirith began to skip stones to convey their extreme and boundless boredom.
'Merry?'
Splash splash kerplunk
'Yeah?'
Kerplunk
'I'm bored.'
Splash splash splash kerplunk
'Me too. Pippin?'
Kerplunk
'Yeah?'
Splash splash splash splash kerplunk
'I'm bored.'
Splash kerplunk
'Me too. Merry?'
Splash splash SMACK!
'OW! Gim - I mean PIPPIN!' roared Aragorn Brandybuck, as the stone collided with his right eye. Hastily they dropped the pebbles.
'Yeah - didn't we just have this conversation?' said Merry bemusedly, moving to scratch his head, then thinking better of it and jamming his hand in a pocket instead.
'Dunno. I'm bored.'
'Me too. Pippin?'
'Yeah?'
'Your - crotch armour has a hole in it.'
'Me too - what?!'
Merry collapsed in a fit of giggles as Pippin bent over to try and glimpse the said hole, which proved difficult as numerous hatchets kept poking him in the ribs and he would have sworn something was inhabiting the copper wire that sprouted from his head.
Merry scrambled to his feet, almost tumbling backwards. Being at such an altitude took a lot of getting used to, and every time he cast his eyes downwards he felt as if breakfast and every meal prior to that was about to end up on the ground. However, he was positive that this height was slowly decreasing - proudly he had announced that he had shrunk a full five millimetres since the incident, as they had moped about that morning, although no-one had taken much notice and congratulated him while not really clear on what they were supposed to be congratulating him on.
Gandalf gave in and sulked on a nearby boulder, his staff close to having a nervous breakdown itself after such a severe - and uneccessary - battering against solid stone.
***
'Right Sam, here's the deal - you don't touch the ring, I don't touch you,' Frodo proposed, holding up a warning finger. Sam nodded fervently. He was not particularly impressed by the new form his master had taken on, and also wondered why he had not been allowed to inhabit one of the Big Folk. A sudden thought struck him, most likely influenced by the Ring which he had an urge to abscond with.
'Hold up Mr. Frodo,' he said, and grinned wryly, and wagged a finger. 'I am afraid I can't accept orders from you.'
The Elven hobbit looked stunned. 'What do you mean?'
Sam drew himself up boldly, jabbing a thumb at his, rightfully Frodo's, chest. 'I'm my own master now,' he said with a sneer, and then looked mildly bewildered. 'Did I really just say that? Oh well - my precious ... '
Frodo turned at once to the wizard with a typical Elvish sulk on his face, and began to whine loudly. 'Gandalf! Sam says he's not my servant anymore! Make him serve me!'
'Shut up Frodo, you pompous ass!' cried Legolas moodily, and clapped a hand over his mouth. 'I just swore at myself ... oh Elbereth Gilthoniel and any other names of any other local deities.'
'Shut up all of you!' roared Gandalf. 'Live with it! It is only temporary; you are not going to be like - your current selves forever, Valar forbid. Now close your mouths, and the next person to speak gets a headache.' He brandished his staff to show he meant it.
***
Pippin began to make shapes with his hands. Merry looked at him worriedly. Pippin persisted in a more agitated fashion. Merry still merely looked worriedly at him.
'I said THIS IS GETTING TEDIOUS!' the Took dwarf shouted, leaping to his feet. Within seconds he was staggering around dazedly, his head having met momentarily with Gandalf's staff, as threatened.
'No signing, writing, coding, or the like,' Gandalf warned his companions, who appeared to have been dipped in high-strength starch from their postures. 'I need utter silence - Aragorn, I can see you doing that.'
The hobbit Ranger grinned guiltily and lowered his hand, having been twirling it beside an ear whilst gaping like a fish. Legolas was in stitches over this, having acquired the humour of the Gamgee, and consequentially went head first over the log on which he was daintily (as much as could be managed) perched.
And lo! a cloud obligingly moved aside and the moon shone forth, reflecting off Pippin's armour and effectively blinding everyone for some space of time, in which there was much groping and complaining and tripping and cursing.
Gandalf was the first to recover the use of his eyes, and discovered that lo! the Moria gate was before him, and lo! there were lots of funny little scribbles all over it. With a rather loud and very offensive swear word Aragorn tripped over Merry's shield, crashed into Frodo, who fell onto Boromir, thus creating a very effective domino effect.
Gandalf had just lifted his arms to begin to translate and look mighty and impressive when he was knocked flying.
Nearby there was a great deal of amused sniggering, then a severe reprimand, a hollow thud as of a fist colliding with a skull, a wince, and then dejected footsteps that padded away into the night.
After much awkward clambering, they all found their feet again. Gandalf, rather put-out, gruffly read the scribbles out for the sake of those who had no knowledge of scribbles unless they were trying to write:
'Riddle of the day: Speak, friend, and enter. For answer see inside.'
'What do you suppose that means?' questioned Merry, squinting.
'That if this Valar-damn gate does not open I am going to have a cardiac arrest,' grumbled Gandalf. And then - something stirred in the water at their backs.
Sam gave a vague remark, then screamed and proceeded to be flung around by a large and ugly mottled tentacle.
However, the others were a little preoccupied with the riddle, and appeared not to notice. 'I'll bet it has something to do with speaking,' said Boromir thoughtfully, looked confused, then grumbled something inaudible.
Legolas tapped his hobbit-chin. 'Worms,' he announced at last, stamping one hairy foot. 'Worms - must be about worms ... Gilthoniel have mercy! Did I just say that?'
'No! Ale!' protested Aragorn shortly. 'Most important liquid in the known world - oh gods, I really need to get out of this body.'
'Hey you bastards!' screamed Sam. 'Help!'
As one the others turned and said 'Oh,' then leapt to with great lack of co-ordination to rescue the new Ringbearer. Merry took chance of the disturbance to punch Frodo in the fair face for his Elven smugness, which he was presently exercising once more.
Sighing, Gandalf sank down on his boulder. How was he supposed to be expected to get through this?
***
'Frodo - I think it would be best if you gave Legolas back his bow and arrows,' said Aragorn, as Frodo's new Elven form proved not so compatible with his hobbit mind. Merry, pinned against the tree, gave Frodo a weak grin. 'Y-yes, you do that,' he encouraged, and then dashed away.
'Come back with my body!' shouted Boromir. It was quite comical to see Boromir's body go running shakily away with Pippin's miniscule but enraged form close behind him.
A loud scream came racketing through the trees, closely followed by the real Pippin. 'What? What?' cried Aragorn, running to him as fast as his hobbit body could run.
'Call - of nature,' gasped Pippin breathlessly, and proceeded to mime awkwardly. Frodo smirked with his newly acquired Elvish smugness, for which all, including the owner of the body, wished to punch him. 'What did he say?' asked Aragorn blankly.
Frodo looked at Gimli. 'He said he had an urgent call of nature and - got scared,' he chuckled. Gimli the Ranger scowled. 'Tis not my fault I was born that way,' he retorted. 'It's the natural dwarven heritage.' Frodo almost collapsed in his fit of laughter. Gimli raised Aragorn's fist threatingly, so Master Baggins the Elf quickly regained his composure, but could not hide the trembling of supressed giggles. This having been the third stop they had made since continuing once again, they were not making very good progress as yet.
'Right you lot, whoever each of you now are,' said Gandalf loudly, standing up and glaring at all of them. 'We are now departing. Grab your packs and let's go.'
***
'Gandalf! Merry's looking down my pants again!'
'Merry, stop looking down Boromir's pants. We don't need you awake at night with terrible dreams.'
Boromir paused for a moment in thought, then with an indignant scowl said, 'Was that an insult?'
'Your entrapment in that Took's body, has clearly slowed your mind,' said Gandalf, lighting his pipe with a whimsical shine to his eyes. Merry looked up from the depths of his - rather Boromir's - pants with a confused crease on his brow, and at length said, 'So, I have to put up with this for however long it takes Gandalf to find this spell?'
Yet again Boromir scowled.
Aragorn was rather bad-tempered. Not only had he found that he could no longer wield his famed and highly prized Blade That Was Broken, but those huge feet he had to learn to get around in were not at all to his liking. Several times he had tripped, and been severely reprimanded by Merry son of Denethor. Also, the thought of Gimli having control of his mouth and mind was something he would rather not have thoughts about.
Frodo, however, was very much amused by this whole ordeal. Not only did he get to flaunt Legolas' sexy Elven body for the time being, while the Elf was stuck in the portly form of Sam, but he got to look down on Aragorn and Boromir and that irritating Elven prince! Fortune was smiling on him! Praise Elbereth for this grand change of luck, he thought with that Elven smugness. However, on seeing everyone staring at him with lowered brows and raised fists, the smugness fled into hiding and he gave them a weak grin instead.
'What?'
'Just be glad raising a fist against you has been illegalised,' said Aragorn in a temper, thoroughly fed up with their situation. 'Elrond spoils all the fun,' whined Boromir, and then paused. 'Did I actually say that and whinge just then?'
'Gandalf, is there even a reversal spell?' said Legolas in exasperation. Gandalf, who had been sidling warily away and trying to appear inconspicuous, ceased his sidling and stood straight, clearing his throat. 'Ah, er, well,' he muttered, and coughed nervously. 'I - uh - do not believe there is. However,' he added, as every one began to close in on him with insane looks on their faces and hands outstretched, 'it will change.'
Merry paused and scratched Boromir's now strangely tangled locks, getting his finger caught and having to wrench it out and spoil the whole "pensive- hobbit" thing. 'How exactly do you mean?' he asked, looking with distaste on the dredlock that appeared to have snaked its way around his finger of its own accord. 'Boromir, do you even know what a brush is? Or should I say garden rake? Actually, that looks a lot like my hair ... '
'I have been doing a lot of thinking of late,' announced Gandalf in his "I-have-struck-upon-an-irrelevant-conclusion" voice.
Aragorn tried to smother a snigger with a hand, but failed miserably.
Gandalf glared at him. 'As I was saying,' he continued gruffly. 'I have been thinking, and I remembered something about this particular spell. You see - '
'See what?' said Boromir quickly, glancing around, and then stood there looking stupid. 'This body is really starting to affect me ... '
'You see - ' Gandalf started again, ' - the bodies you are in now will gradually begin to change back into your former selves; therefore eventually you will be returned to your normal state, but you will have to be patient. These things take time.'
'Just like I will when I strangle you,' mumbled Aragorn. 'Prolong the suffering.'
'Any hoo,' said Pippin, clapping his hands, an accurate impression of the Hobbiton kindergarten teacher, whether or not the impression was intended. Gimli looked minorly offended at seeing his body behaving in such a child - er - hobbitlike way, but said nothing, having Aragorn to saunter around in as compensation. He quite enjoyed being the tallest of the company, and definately enjoyed the boundless authority that now came with it.
'We had best be going. Long ways to go yet,' said Merry, stamping on the dredlock in bewilderment, just to make sure it was well and truly dead.
'Yes, yes,' said Gandalf, perching his hat jauntily on his head and looking to the south. 'It is time we faced to long dark of Moria.'
'Out of the freezer and into - the freezer?' said Boromir, and looked rather bemused at that. His usual quick wit and irritating sarcasm seemed to have vanished, replaced by a complete and utter loss of wit and sarcasm. Stupid Tooks, he thought in a sombre thought voice, which was quickly followed by some song regarding ale houses and he found himself skipping merrily along after the others, before he managed to regain any self control he might have had before the accident and tried to maintain what dignity Pippin had not already stolen from him. Stupid Tooks, he thought again, and inevitably the ale song started up again and he fell into a peculiar pattern of humming, grumbling, skipping, stomping, whistling and muttering unpleasant curses under his breath.
Stupid Tooks ... Ho ho ho! To the bottle I go ... No! Must - control - self ... To heal my heart and drown my woe ... Oh, to Mordor with it!
***
And so, in this peculiar fashion (namely the uninvited tenant affected by the remnants of the usual resident), they found themselves staring up a bleak wall of inpregnable black stone. 'Eep,' squeaked Aragorn, and hastily clapped a hand over his mouth, casting a venomous glare at Merry son of the Gondorian Steward's direction. Why, oh, why! was he the one to be caught within a cowardly squirt? Why?
'It would appear,' decreed Gandalf, placing a hand against the cliff face, 'that nothing is appearing.' 'No, really?' muttered Legolas. 'I hadn't noticed.'
No, you probably hadn't, Faerie Prince,' shot Boromir with a hint of his customary wittiness, and smirked as Legolas, yet again, scowled with an extra helping of indignance; and felt quite pleased with the fact that he was not entirely one-hundred percent Took, thank Valya.
So, while Gandalf let out a vulgar stream of expletives when every spell he could recollect, which was hard as old age was finally setting in, failed to open the Gates, and took to bashing it pointlessly with his staff instead, Pippin of Erebor and Merry of Minas-Tirith began to skip stones to convey their extreme and boundless boredom.
'Merry?'
Splash splash kerplunk
'Yeah?'
Kerplunk
'I'm bored.'
Splash splash splash kerplunk
'Me too. Pippin?'
Kerplunk
'Yeah?'
Splash splash splash splash kerplunk
'I'm bored.'
Splash kerplunk
'Me too. Merry?'
Splash splash SMACK!
'OW! Gim - I mean PIPPIN!' roared Aragorn Brandybuck, as the stone collided with his right eye. Hastily they dropped the pebbles.
'Yeah - didn't we just have this conversation?' said Merry bemusedly, moving to scratch his head, then thinking better of it and jamming his hand in a pocket instead.
'Dunno. I'm bored.'
'Me too. Pippin?'
'Yeah?'
'Your - crotch armour has a hole in it.'
'Me too - what?!'
Merry collapsed in a fit of giggles as Pippin bent over to try and glimpse the said hole, which proved difficult as numerous hatchets kept poking him in the ribs and he would have sworn something was inhabiting the copper wire that sprouted from his head.
Merry scrambled to his feet, almost tumbling backwards. Being at such an altitude took a lot of getting used to, and every time he cast his eyes downwards he felt as if breakfast and every meal prior to that was about to end up on the ground. However, he was positive that this height was slowly decreasing - proudly he had announced that he had shrunk a full five millimetres since the incident, as they had moped about that morning, although no-one had taken much notice and congratulated him while not really clear on what they were supposed to be congratulating him on.
Gandalf gave in and sulked on a nearby boulder, his staff close to having a nervous breakdown itself after such a severe - and uneccessary - battering against solid stone.
***
'Right Sam, here's the deal - you don't touch the ring, I don't touch you,' Frodo proposed, holding up a warning finger. Sam nodded fervently. He was not particularly impressed by the new form his master had taken on, and also wondered why he had not been allowed to inhabit one of the Big Folk. A sudden thought struck him, most likely influenced by the Ring which he had an urge to abscond with.
'Hold up Mr. Frodo,' he said, and grinned wryly, and wagged a finger. 'I am afraid I can't accept orders from you.'
The Elven hobbit looked stunned. 'What do you mean?'
Sam drew himself up boldly, jabbing a thumb at his, rightfully Frodo's, chest. 'I'm my own master now,' he said with a sneer, and then looked mildly bewildered. 'Did I really just say that? Oh well - my precious ... '
Frodo turned at once to the wizard with a typical Elvish sulk on his face, and began to whine loudly. 'Gandalf! Sam says he's not my servant anymore! Make him serve me!'
'Shut up Frodo, you pompous ass!' cried Legolas moodily, and clapped a hand over his mouth. 'I just swore at myself ... oh Elbereth Gilthoniel and any other names of any other local deities.'
'Shut up all of you!' roared Gandalf. 'Live with it! It is only temporary; you are not going to be like - your current selves forever, Valar forbid. Now close your mouths, and the next person to speak gets a headache.' He brandished his staff to show he meant it.
***
Pippin began to make shapes with his hands. Merry looked at him worriedly. Pippin persisted in a more agitated fashion. Merry still merely looked worriedly at him.
'I said THIS IS GETTING TEDIOUS!' the Took dwarf shouted, leaping to his feet. Within seconds he was staggering around dazedly, his head having met momentarily with Gandalf's staff, as threatened.
'No signing, writing, coding, or the like,' Gandalf warned his companions, who appeared to have been dipped in high-strength starch from their postures. 'I need utter silence - Aragorn, I can see you doing that.'
The hobbit Ranger grinned guiltily and lowered his hand, having been twirling it beside an ear whilst gaping like a fish. Legolas was in stitches over this, having acquired the humour of the Gamgee, and consequentially went head first over the log on which he was daintily (as much as could be managed) perched.
And lo! a cloud obligingly moved aside and the moon shone forth, reflecting off Pippin's armour and effectively blinding everyone for some space of time, in which there was much groping and complaining and tripping and cursing.
Gandalf was the first to recover the use of his eyes, and discovered that lo! the Moria gate was before him, and lo! there were lots of funny little scribbles all over it. With a rather loud and very offensive swear word Aragorn tripped over Merry's shield, crashed into Frodo, who fell onto Boromir, thus creating a very effective domino effect.
Gandalf had just lifted his arms to begin to translate and look mighty and impressive when he was knocked flying.
Nearby there was a great deal of amused sniggering, then a severe reprimand, a hollow thud as of a fist colliding with a skull, a wince, and then dejected footsteps that padded away into the night.
After much awkward clambering, they all found their feet again. Gandalf, rather put-out, gruffly read the scribbles out for the sake of those who had no knowledge of scribbles unless they were trying to write:
'Riddle of the day: Speak, friend, and enter. For answer see inside.'
'What do you suppose that means?' questioned Merry, squinting.
'That if this Valar-damn gate does not open I am going to have a cardiac arrest,' grumbled Gandalf. And then - something stirred in the water at their backs.
Sam gave a vague remark, then screamed and proceeded to be flung around by a large and ugly mottled tentacle.
However, the others were a little preoccupied with the riddle, and appeared not to notice. 'I'll bet it has something to do with speaking,' said Boromir thoughtfully, looked confused, then grumbled something inaudible.
Legolas tapped his hobbit-chin. 'Worms,' he announced at last, stamping one hairy foot. 'Worms - must be about worms ... Gilthoniel have mercy! Did I just say that?'
'No! Ale!' protested Aragorn shortly. 'Most important liquid in the known world - oh gods, I really need to get out of this body.'
'Hey you bastards!' screamed Sam. 'Help!'
As one the others turned and said 'Oh,' then leapt to with great lack of co-ordination to rescue the new Ringbearer. Merry took chance of the disturbance to punch Frodo in the fair face for his Elven smugness, which he was presently exercising once more.
Sighing, Gandalf sank down on his boulder. How was he supposed to be expected to get through this?