FINDING PEACE
By: The Madhatter
Chapter 3 (out of 6): Desert
All the necessary comments and details are on the first chapter.
A/N: Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews! I'm glad you guys are enjoying this immensely. In answer to the question which relationships this covers. I'm trying my best not to have them. In other words, I'm trying my hardest to just stick to friendships rather than romantic ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for G/C and a little N/S, but not in this fic. Plus. This is mostly about Catherine anyway, her doubts about the explosion and herself. Enough babbling from me. Here's the story:
Catherine Willows greeted her daughter with a kiss on the cheek and a hug at seven a.m., right before she left for school. "Good morning, sweetie."
"Morning, Mom!" Lindsey said enthusiastically. "What're you gonna do today when I'm gone?"
"Oh. I don't know, sweetie. I'll find something to do."
"Are you sure? I don't want you to be alone. If you need someone."
Catherine laughed. "You're just trying to find a way out of going to school, aren't you?"
Her daughter grinned innocently. "No."
She smiled. "I'll be fine. I think I might stay with Greg again, for a bit. You just eat your cereal and drink your juice. I'll be fine."
About ten minutes later, a loud, short honk came from outside. Catherine opened the door, handed Lindsey her backpack and kissed her on the check once more. "Be a good girl! I don't want you starting another fight, got it?" She called after the little girl, running toward the school bus.
"Okay, Mom! Love you!"
"Love you, too!"
Catherine watched as the big yellow school bus drive away, carrying her daughter in it. She closed the door and went back to her cup of coffee and newspaper, a rare delicacy she received from time to time. After quickly reading through the articles, her mind shifted to the plans she made for the day. Absolutely nothing. Well, she planned on visiting Greg while she could. but other than that, there was nothing to do. Surely, she couldn't spend all day with Greg. He would need some time alone at some point in time. It would be rude of her to invade that privacy. It was bad enough she caused the reason for him being in that sterile environment.
Day two of suspension. Catherine never realized how much of her life depended on work. Yesterday had been a blast with Lindsey. She actually got to be the mother Lindsey always deserved, for more than five hours. She relished the feeling. It seemed, she reasoned, that there were a few good reasons for this five-day suspension. One, she could sleep in. Two, she could finally be home when Lindsey was and be a mother. Nothing had seemed so perfect.
Except for the fact that Eddie was gone.
Yes, she hated the man. Yes, she left him. Yes, there were times when she wanted to kill him herself, but those were just idle threats. Eddie Willows was an ass. But she still loved him.
At one point, he was her life. She loved Eddie, no matter how many times he abused her. He loved Lindsey just about as much as she did, that was all that ever mattered. As long as her little girl was happy, so was she.
Now, everything was upside down and twisted around. Surprisingly, Eddie had that kind of affect on her, even though she tried to rid of him as quickly as possible. The only link, the only contact, the only connection he had to her was the fact that he was her ex-husband and the father of her child. The father was gone, so the family triangle they had build was broken, left dangling by a thread. No more child support from him and no one else to pick up Lindsey when Catherine was running late. There wasn't a person she could rely on, not that she had relied heavily on Eddie, anyway.
But there was one person. one person she could rely on for anything, unless it was paperwork, of course. Gil Grissom. She could rely on him as a friend and a coworker. It was true, she could rely on anyone on the team, but Grissom had been with her from the beginning. He probably knew her better than herself.
Grissom. She shivered at the thought of that name now. How was she supposed to face him now that she blew up the lab, lost thirteen cases, and hurt Greg in the process? It was clear that Grissom cared for the young and energetic lab technician more than he let on. Would he forgive her? Would anyone forgive her for that matter? Greg said he did. Could she forgive herself? Maybe that was the question.
Catherine stared at the abandoned glass of orange juice sitting on the counter. There was no way she was going to stay home, she couldn't spend all day with Greg either. she had to get away. Just then, an idea hit her, like no other. The desert. What other place better to think and to get away from the world?
She quickly hopped into her car and sped off. The roads were empty, thank goodness. Racing down the street brought a sense of peace to her mind and body. The rush of the adrenaline running through her body caused her to speed up. The frustration was rapidly dissipating into dust, the guilt momentarily leaving her head. All she concentrated on was the road ahead of her and maintaining control of the car. When she reached 100 MPH, Catherine slowly brought the car to a stop. The energy flowing through her body was incredible. It had been a while since she could actually do that, and it felt good.
Catherine stepped out of her car and inhaled the dry air of the Nevada desert. The air wasn't as refreshing, but it beat the smell of a dead body any day. Leaning against the car, she stared out into the vast openness off the desert. The endless stretch of land was mesmerizing. Somehow, the dry dirt calmed her mind and the storms raging within her.
A lizard popped out from under a large rock and froze under the bright light of the sun. It stood still for a moment, and then continued on its exploration of the rest of the rock. Catherine watched as the little reptile scurried across the hot land into the shade of another nearby rock. If only she could be like the lizard. She needed to come out of her little shelter, her shield, the barriers she built around herself the past few months, since Eddie's death. She needed to get out into the world again, she needed to live like she used to. She needed to stop hiding.
"No one will look down on you for what happened here," she could almost picture Grissom standing right in front of her saying that.
"And how would you know that? You're not everyone, Grissom."
"You're right, I'm not. But it was an accident. You tried your hardest. Greg's not mad, I'm not mad."
Greg forgave her. Grissom forgave her. The rest of the team saw it as a simple mistake, an unfortunate accident, but no one was going to put all the blame on her. So why did she feel so horrible inside?
Because you can't forgive yourself, a little voice inside her head said.
Catherine bit her lip out of habit. No, she couldn't forgive herself. Then again, who could forgive themselves for hurting a fellow coworker, a friend? She sure couldn't.
She closed her eyes and leaned against her car. Never doubt, never look back had been her saying for years now. She knew she was being hypocritical right now, doubting the past and holding onto it. But she couldn't let go of this one. It hurt her career, it hurt her friends, it hurt the cases they were working on, and it hurt the families of the victims. How could she possibly go on after all that?
But you have to, the voice in her head answered, never doubt, never look back.
"Never doubt, never look back, my ass."
"Who're you talkin' to, Catherine?"
She whirled around and found herself face-to-face with Nick Stokes. "Nick? How-Where did-"
"Grissom had an idea where you would be," he answered quickly. "So did Warrick. But when they said you'd be far away, I wasn't thinking about 20 miles from your house."
Catherine grinned sheepishly. "I didn't want anyone to find me."
"Old habits die hard."
"You sound more and more like Grissom everyday, you know that?"
It was his turn to grin. "I'll take that as a compliment." Then, he went back to the reason he was there. "So, what's up, Cath? Everyone's worried, ya know."
"Cut the crap, Nick. Did Grissom and Warrick tell you to come find me and check up on me, since I'm not answering their calls?"
"Man, you're good. Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you for a bit. and they kinda 'encouraged' it."
"Right. Well, you can save your breath. I just got the same lecture from Warrick yesterday."
"I'm not gonna tell you that it's not your fault, you already know that. I'm just. here, I guess. I mean, I don't want you to be alone right now. You've always been there for us-for me. I guess. I just thought I owed it you, that's all."
Catherine shook her head. "Nick, you don't owe me a thing. We're friends. Friends help friends out-without charge."
"That's exactly what I'm trying to say. Don't shut us out, Cath. I know you blame yourself for what happened at the lab and about Greg-we all feel responsible, whether we were there or not. I've blamed myself for millions of things that were never my fault, but I still felt the guilt. You just gotta learn to let it go. You tried your hardest, it's not your fault. I don't know any other way to tell you that. You're not alone, Cath. I promise."
Her vision became blurry after Nick finished his little speech. Suddenly, she felt lighter, like some of the weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She smiled and gave him a hug.
"Thanks, Nick. I really needed that."
He grinned. "That's what friends are for."
By: The Madhatter
Chapter 3 (out of 6): Desert
All the necessary comments and details are on the first chapter.
A/N: Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews! I'm glad you guys are enjoying this immensely. In answer to the question which relationships this covers. I'm trying my best not to have them. In other words, I'm trying my hardest to just stick to friendships rather than romantic ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for G/C and a little N/S, but not in this fic. Plus. This is mostly about Catherine anyway, her doubts about the explosion and herself. Enough babbling from me. Here's the story:
Catherine Willows greeted her daughter with a kiss on the cheek and a hug at seven a.m., right before she left for school. "Good morning, sweetie."
"Morning, Mom!" Lindsey said enthusiastically. "What're you gonna do today when I'm gone?"
"Oh. I don't know, sweetie. I'll find something to do."
"Are you sure? I don't want you to be alone. If you need someone."
Catherine laughed. "You're just trying to find a way out of going to school, aren't you?"
Her daughter grinned innocently. "No."
She smiled. "I'll be fine. I think I might stay with Greg again, for a bit. You just eat your cereal and drink your juice. I'll be fine."
About ten minutes later, a loud, short honk came from outside. Catherine opened the door, handed Lindsey her backpack and kissed her on the check once more. "Be a good girl! I don't want you starting another fight, got it?" She called after the little girl, running toward the school bus.
"Okay, Mom! Love you!"
"Love you, too!"
Catherine watched as the big yellow school bus drive away, carrying her daughter in it. She closed the door and went back to her cup of coffee and newspaper, a rare delicacy she received from time to time. After quickly reading through the articles, her mind shifted to the plans she made for the day. Absolutely nothing. Well, she planned on visiting Greg while she could. but other than that, there was nothing to do. Surely, she couldn't spend all day with Greg. He would need some time alone at some point in time. It would be rude of her to invade that privacy. It was bad enough she caused the reason for him being in that sterile environment.
Day two of suspension. Catherine never realized how much of her life depended on work. Yesterday had been a blast with Lindsey. She actually got to be the mother Lindsey always deserved, for more than five hours. She relished the feeling. It seemed, she reasoned, that there were a few good reasons for this five-day suspension. One, she could sleep in. Two, she could finally be home when Lindsey was and be a mother. Nothing had seemed so perfect.
Except for the fact that Eddie was gone.
Yes, she hated the man. Yes, she left him. Yes, there were times when she wanted to kill him herself, but those were just idle threats. Eddie Willows was an ass. But she still loved him.
At one point, he was her life. She loved Eddie, no matter how many times he abused her. He loved Lindsey just about as much as she did, that was all that ever mattered. As long as her little girl was happy, so was she.
Now, everything was upside down and twisted around. Surprisingly, Eddie had that kind of affect on her, even though she tried to rid of him as quickly as possible. The only link, the only contact, the only connection he had to her was the fact that he was her ex-husband and the father of her child. The father was gone, so the family triangle they had build was broken, left dangling by a thread. No more child support from him and no one else to pick up Lindsey when Catherine was running late. There wasn't a person she could rely on, not that she had relied heavily on Eddie, anyway.
But there was one person. one person she could rely on for anything, unless it was paperwork, of course. Gil Grissom. She could rely on him as a friend and a coworker. It was true, she could rely on anyone on the team, but Grissom had been with her from the beginning. He probably knew her better than herself.
Grissom. She shivered at the thought of that name now. How was she supposed to face him now that she blew up the lab, lost thirteen cases, and hurt Greg in the process? It was clear that Grissom cared for the young and energetic lab technician more than he let on. Would he forgive her? Would anyone forgive her for that matter? Greg said he did. Could she forgive herself? Maybe that was the question.
Catherine stared at the abandoned glass of orange juice sitting on the counter. There was no way she was going to stay home, she couldn't spend all day with Greg either. she had to get away. Just then, an idea hit her, like no other. The desert. What other place better to think and to get away from the world?
She quickly hopped into her car and sped off. The roads were empty, thank goodness. Racing down the street brought a sense of peace to her mind and body. The rush of the adrenaline running through her body caused her to speed up. The frustration was rapidly dissipating into dust, the guilt momentarily leaving her head. All she concentrated on was the road ahead of her and maintaining control of the car. When she reached 100 MPH, Catherine slowly brought the car to a stop. The energy flowing through her body was incredible. It had been a while since she could actually do that, and it felt good.
Catherine stepped out of her car and inhaled the dry air of the Nevada desert. The air wasn't as refreshing, but it beat the smell of a dead body any day. Leaning against the car, she stared out into the vast openness off the desert. The endless stretch of land was mesmerizing. Somehow, the dry dirt calmed her mind and the storms raging within her.
A lizard popped out from under a large rock and froze under the bright light of the sun. It stood still for a moment, and then continued on its exploration of the rest of the rock. Catherine watched as the little reptile scurried across the hot land into the shade of another nearby rock. If only she could be like the lizard. She needed to come out of her little shelter, her shield, the barriers she built around herself the past few months, since Eddie's death. She needed to get out into the world again, she needed to live like she used to. She needed to stop hiding.
"No one will look down on you for what happened here," she could almost picture Grissom standing right in front of her saying that.
"And how would you know that? You're not everyone, Grissom."
"You're right, I'm not. But it was an accident. You tried your hardest. Greg's not mad, I'm not mad."
Greg forgave her. Grissom forgave her. The rest of the team saw it as a simple mistake, an unfortunate accident, but no one was going to put all the blame on her. So why did she feel so horrible inside?
Because you can't forgive yourself, a little voice inside her head said.
Catherine bit her lip out of habit. No, she couldn't forgive herself. Then again, who could forgive themselves for hurting a fellow coworker, a friend? She sure couldn't.
She closed her eyes and leaned against her car. Never doubt, never look back had been her saying for years now. She knew she was being hypocritical right now, doubting the past and holding onto it. But she couldn't let go of this one. It hurt her career, it hurt her friends, it hurt the cases they were working on, and it hurt the families of the victims. How could she possibly go on after all that?
But you have to, the voice in her head answered, never doubt, never look back.
"Never doubt, never look back, my ass."
"Who're you talkin' to, Catherine?"
She whirled around and found herself face-to-face with Nick Stokes. "Nick? How-Where did-"
"Grissom had an idea where you would be," he answered quickly. "So did Warrick. But when they said you'd be far away, I wasn't thinking about 20 miles from your house."
Catherine grinned sheepishly. "I didn't want anyone to find me."
"Old habits die hard."
"You sound more and more like Grissom everyday, you know that?"
It was his turn to grin. "I'll take that as a compliment." Then, he went back to the reason he was there. "So, what's up, Cath? Everyone's worried, ya know."
"Cut the crap, Nick. Did Grissom and Warrick tell you to come find me and check up on me, since I'm not answering their calls?"
"Man, you're good. Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you for a bit. and they kinda 'encouraged' it."
"Right. Well, you can save your breath. I just got the same lecture from Warrick yesterday."
"I'm not gonna tell you that it's not your fault, you already know that. I'm just. here, I guess. I mean, I don't want you to be alone right now. You've always been there for us-for me. I guess. I just thought I owed it you, that's all."
Catherine shook her head. "Nick, you don't owe me a thing. We're friends. Friends help friends out-without charge."
"That's exactly what I'm trying to say. Don't shut us out, Cath. I know you blame yourself for what happened at the lab and about Greg-we all feel responsible, whether we were there or not. I've blamed myself for millions of things that were never my fault, but I still felt the guilt. You just gotta learn to let it go. You tried your hardest, it's not your fault. I don't know any other way to tell you that. You're not alone, Cath. I promise."
Her vision became blurry after Nick finished his little speech. Suddenly, she felt lighter, like some of the weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She smiled and gave him a hug.
"Thanks, Nick. I really needed that."
He grinned. "That's what friends are for."