(Chapter 3)
Our friendship didn't last past the wedding. She couldn't understand why I would want to marry a guy that hurt me like he did. She tried to talk me out of it but I gave her some crap and bull story about my religion forcing me to forgive him. I must admit that at the time I wasn't to broken up about the end of our friendship. I was to busy basking in the fact that all my hard work paid off. I finally had his love.
I see the tears
I caused you to cry
Now I know it was a mistake
When I lied
After graduation we lost touch. She went away to college in Florida. I stayed in Roswell with my husband and child. Our friendship was over and all I could think was so what. I had what I had always wanted, his love and a child.
Not a day goes by
I don't wish to see your eyes
I wish I could bring you back my way
I became the perfect housewife. Always there to greet him at the door when he came home from work. Always there to have his dinner prepared for when he stepped out of the shower. I cleaned for him, raised [I]his[/I] child. Washed his dirty clothes, loved him as no other woman could.
Everyday for your love I pray
For your love baby
For your love
I would do anything baby
Ten years after graduation I heard that she was returning to Roswell. She was a big time model looking good as hell. Every day I saw her picture flashed across one magazine or another. I even found out that he had a few of the magazines hidden away on his side of the closet. I didn't confront him about it though because he was mine. No way in the world would he ditch me for her. I was his wife. Right?
For your love
I would go anywhere honey
And just for your love, I would do anything
It's been awhile
Since I felt your embrace
Things are so sad in my dreams
All I see is your face
I was living in the land of delusion. Oblivious to the fact that not only did she worm her way back into Roswell but she also wormed her way back into my husband's heart. When I ran into her at the grocery store I could tell that she had changed. I just didn't realize how much. However, seeing her still did not bring me out of the land of denial. No way in hell would my husband leave me.
I dream about the day you said goodbye
For you your love I'll climb any mountain
It doesn't matter how high baby
For your love
I would do anything baby
For your love
I would go anywhere honey
I visited another close friend that day and he said some things that made me fearful. His words began to crack the walls of delusion that surrounded me. As I left his house over and over the words 'My husband loves me' ran through my mind. I would do anything for him and he knows that. He would never willingly give up what we shared together. I am the mother of his child. I love him. He loves me. She has no stock in his life. She can never love him the way that I can.
And just for you love, I would do anything
Anywhere
Anything
Just name the song baby I'll sing
There is nothing I wouldn't do for you
I left work early the next day. I couldn't take the office gossip that was going around about her purpose in Roswell. I didn't want to hear her name uttered anymore in my presence. When I reached my home and walked in the front door, I immediately knew that my life was about to get worse. I walked into our bedroom and the walls of delusion exploded with one mighty boom.
I dream about the day you said goodbye
For you your love I'll climb any mountain
It doesn't matter how high baby
For your love
I would do anything baby
For your love
TBC
(Epilogue - Death is Negotiable)
I was under the belief that I was his true love and their act of passion and betrayal made me realize that I was just a path that he was tricked into following. He finally found the right path leaving me with nothing but the pieces of my broken life. What did I have to live for?
As I debated heavily with myself I looked down at the gun that I held in my hands. I was nothing without his love. I planned my whole life around being his wife. I never thought that I would be anything but his wife. Why did she have to come back and ruin it all for me? Why couldn't he love me at least a little?
My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry
Cry.....
I was here
You were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I goota put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I'm down, I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down...
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...
"Maria, don't. It's not worth it."
With a shocked gasp I dropped the gun. "Damn you. You scared the shit out of me."
"You're scaring me by sitting in this car and holding that thing. Are you thinking about Ashleigh at all? What's she going to do when she hears that her mom committed suicide?"
I shook my head, tears streaming down my face. "I don't know Max. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. He…. She…."
"Shh, baby I know. I tried to warn you. Ever since high school, I knew that you loved him. But I was his friend and I knew that he didn't love you Maria. I tried to tell you."
"I… I thought I could make him love me. I thought that if she was out of the picture that he would forget about her."
"You were wrong and you have to live with that. But you can't let it kill you Maria. You have a beautiful little girl to think of. And she's going to need her mommy really bad."
"She's not going to need me once she finds out the evil things I've done."
"She will, believe me she will." He took the gun away from he and threw it away into the desert. "Kyle and Tess are in love with each other and there's nothing you can do about it. You've already tried and look where it's gotten you. Give up Maria. Let him go. You don't need him to define who you are. You don't need anyone. What happened to the strong girl who believed that friendship could conquer all?"
I wrapped my arms around him and cried into his neck. "I killed her a long time ago. She's dead Max."
"No she isn't. She just needs a little nudge to find her way out of hiding." He pulled her back from him and wiped the tears from her face. "Don't let them see you cry. You have some things that you need to take care of. And you need to do it with dignity."
I nodded. He was right. I had some apologizing to do and forgiveness to ask for. It wasn't going to be easy but it was a step in the right direction.
With a breath of fortification I looked up into the eyes of the person who deserved the most apologies. "Max, will you forgive me for denying you the right to claim your child as your own? Will you forgive me for being so blind to the things that were right in front of my face all along?"
He smiled slowly at me. "I already have Maria. I forgave you a long time ago. I was just waiting for you to forgive yourself."
I took his hand in mine and together we set off to right all the wrongs that I've made in my life.
* * * THE END * * *