Buffy: It doesn't drive you crazy, when we're close?
Am I the only one who would find it amusing if he said yes?
Angel: Watch this.
Well, that's just disgusting. Ew. Is that a salive trail?
Angel: See? Safe as houses.
They go back to kissing. Okay, I like those cookies I had earlier, thank you. I think I'd better intercede.
Me: Check out the lust bunnies.
Buffy: Patrol?
Yes, B. It is your sacred duty, you know.
Angel: Council has you back on active duty?
Isn't he supposed to be smart?
Me: Finally. They want us down by Mercer.
Buffy: Okay. Goodnight.
She follows orders really well. I wonder what she and Angel do, since they're busy not doing it.
Angel: I'll see you soon.
Why isn't he gonna patrol with us? Oh, B probably warned him to stay away. Wouldn't want him to have to hang out with something like me, because, you know, he's so good and pure and has never done anything wrong in 250 years.
Me: Don't worry, big guy. Just keeping her warm for you.
Buffy puts her arm through mine and we leave to go to the nearest cemetery. I would pull away, but I'm too amused by her hypocrisy. Wasn't she threatening to kill me a few nights ago? I always knew she'd crack one of these days. We don't talk much on our way there, but by the time we get there, I have to push a few buttons.
Me: Gotta tell you, B. The willpower thing, nice job.
Buffy: Thanks.
Oh, don't think I'm letting it go at that.
Me: But, the close but no cigar thing with Angel. I don't know if I could handle, you know, the way you're not handling it.
Buffy: Faith, when it comes to Angel, do me a favor. Duck!
I duck and B punches a demon behind me. Ya know, I'm a slayer too. I coulda just as easily back-kicked him. It's not hard. I wonder if she wants a demonstration?
Demon: Ow! Ooh! What are you, nuts? Going around punching people?
Buffy pulls off its hat to reveal two horns growing out of its forehead.
Buffy: People?
Demon: So what, I'm a demon. That makes it okay?
We both pull out our stakes. Oh no, we're getting synchronized! This is not good.
Demon: Hold it, whoa! Stake me now, and you never find out what I got for ya, huh? Think about it. Demon seeks Slayers, highly unusual?
No, not really. It's been happening an awful lot lately.
Me: Talk fast.
Demon: How would you like to get your hands on the Books of Ascension?
Shit.
Buffy: Never heard of 'em.
Big surprise.
Demon: Books of Ascension. Very powerful works and I'm not talking about the prose. They deal with some, ah, dark stuff. And the Mayor would hate for somebody to get ahold before he, ah, well you know.
Yeah, he would. Just say no, B. You can't handle the higher learning stuff, like books.
Buffy: Don't know. Before he what?
Demon: Hey, hey, read 'em and weep. That's all I got to say.
Tomorrow, I get the books. Meet me here and if the price is right, well I give the books to you.
Buffy: Not really looking to trade with a demon.
Demon: And if this were still a barter economy, that would be a problem. I want cash, princess, five large for the whole set.
Me: So you can buy, I'm guessing here, some skin care products.
This demon was more wrinkly than David Brinkley.
Demon: Plane ticket. Out of the Hellmouth before its adios, Slayer Loco. So, five G's, what do you say?
Me: I think "Die Fiend" sums it up, wouldn't you say.
The Demon jumps between us and runs away.
Buffy: Oh, let him go. I don't think he falls into the deadly threat to humanity category.
What happened to Ms. Kill All Demons? Not to mention humans who do 'wrong'?
Me: A demon's a demon.
Buffy: I'd like to know about these Books of Ascension. Anything that would pin the Mayor down would be great. Me: Yeah. It'd be great.
I wrap up the slay sweep as fast as I can and head for the Mayor's. His minions know better than to mess me with me and I stroll into his office and sit down. I tell him about the demon and he starts pacin' and questionin' me.
Mayor: And what exactly did this demon look like?
Me: Demonic?
Mayor: Ah. And you say he has the Books of Ascension, or will soon, and he was, what, willing to sell them?
Me: That's what I said.
He's over a hundred. Maybe he can't hear anymore.
Mayor: Hmm. You know what I wish? I wish you'd pull your hair back. I know, I know, fashion's not exactly my thing, but, gosh darn it, you know, you've got such a nice face. I can't understand why you hide it.
He's more random than that red-headed bitch. I mean witch. I wish he'd shut up about how I look, though. It's makin' me a little edgy. It's not pleasant to hear your fucking father figure lie to you to make you feel good.
Me: Yeah, sure. Whatever. It's just a matter of time before this demon guy is gonna spill. Then Buffy and the superfriends are gonna...
Mayor: You know, you worry too much for a girl for your age. That's unnecessary stress. Luckily, I've got just the thing.
He pours a glassa milk and hands it to me. I wonder where the cookies are?
Mayor: There you go. Now, first you load up on calcium. Then find this demon, kill the heck out of him, and bring the books to me.
I look at the milk glass and set it down without drinking. I don't do milk. Reminds me too much of other stuff I'd rather not be swallowing.
Me: And if Buffy gets to him first?
I'm getting real tired of that B gettin' to stuff I want first.
Mayor: Oh, well. Frankly I don't like to think about that. I like good, positive, up thoughts. If you fail me in that way. Well, you know, replacing Mr. Trick was chore enough. Oh, come on, don't worry. Drink up. There's nothing uncool about healty teeth and bones.
I go over to Willy's, beat 'im up, and find out where the demon is. I go over to his place and he's packing a suitcase when I kick down his door.
Demon: Hey, Slayer! You know, I wasn't expecting company. Give me a minute and I'll have the place tidied up for you.
Me: You got the books?
Demon: Well, that depends. You got my money?
I punch him. I really hate it when the enemy tries to get an attitude. That's my deal.
Demon: You're tough in negotiations and I respect that. Check 'em out. Now ah, that is quality merchandise. That's worth five grand easy. Me: Books of Ascenscion.
Demon: Mm hmm. Original editions and everything. Uh, great condition. Okay, it's a little worn on one spine, some slight foxing, but otherwise, perfect. Now, the five grand, it's ah, you know, negotiable.
Me: I don't like to haggle.
I pull out a knife-God do I love knives- and stab him. We roll around on the floor a bit and then I kill him. The blood on my hands takes me back to the last time I had some in the same spot.
I leave and go to Angel's, just like me and Mayor planned. He's reading when I get there.
Angel: Faith.
Me: Angel. I got nowhere else to go. Look, I hate asking for help, but I'm asking, cause, uh, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. The real bad kind.
Maybe I should try to get a few acting gigs. I'm real good at this.
Angel: It's okay.
Me: No, it's a couple of county lines over from okay, believe me.
Angel: Look, just talk. Come on. Start from the beginning.
Me: Mind if I skip past the 'mom never loved me' part and get right to it? I'm scaring myself.
Angel: I know the feeling.
Me: That's why I came to you. I don't want to get all twelve steppy, but remember when you told me that killing people would make me feel like some kind of god? (shows him her bloody hands) I think I just came down to earth. It's not human if that's what you're thinking. Not that that makes me feel any better or this guy any less dead.
Angel: Faith, you need help. You can't do this alone.
Funny, I just did. Funnier, I'm here, moron. With you, which would make me unalone.
Me: I know. For real now, I'm scared. Scared of what I am, what I'm turning into. Cold-blooded straight up killer. Like you.
Angel: Not like me. I didn't have a choice. But you do. You can stop this.
Me: Believe me, I don't want to end up the way everybody said I would, dead or alone or a loser.
Oh, wait, I'm already one of those. Sometimes two.
Angel: No, you don't have to.
Me: I don't know. Maybe it's too late for me.
Angel: It's not.
Me: Angel, I'm so scared.
I hug him.
Angel: It's alright, shh, it's okay.
We hug for a minute, and then pull apart. We hesitate, and I look down at his lips, but Angel pulls back before I can move in. Damn.
Angel: Whoa. Faith, I, look, I can be here for you. But not like that, alright? I'm with Buffy.
Me: Buffy, yeah. I didn't mean it like that. Maybe I did, but I wouldn't press it. You love her, don't you.
Everybody loves Buffy.
Angel: I love her.
Me: Good for you. The two of you, you're lucky. Friends?
Angel: Yeah, we're friends.
Me: Then I'm lucky too. I'd better go.
Yeah, I'm just the luckiest girl ever. God I need to go somewhere, get rid a this memory. Angel might be a nice piece of ass, but the only reason I want him is cause he's B's. If I ever get a man, he won't be so.. corny.
Angel: Where?
Me: I need to cool down. Spend some time alone. Don't worry about me. You've been a big help. Just knowing somebody cares. Hey, I know I shouldn't be asking this, but do you think if things were different that things between you and me would be different, too?
Angel: We'll never know.
Me: Right. How could we?
Someone would have to take away your soul, or something, for us to know. And how would that happen?
Angel: Take care of yourself.
Me: Lifetime of practice.
I kiss 'im on the cheek and leave.
When I get back to my apartment, the mayor and I conference.
Me: It's not like I wasn't trying, okay?
Mayor: Hey, there's no need to convince me. I'm sure you gave it your level best. I just don't understand what that boy could be thinking?
Me: Try Buffy Summers, like in a big, fat, one track way.
Mayor: Hey, come on, don't be discouraged. You're a bright, young, energetic girl with a whole life ahead of her. And I won't tolerate brooding. So you couldn't give him that one moment of true happiness.
Me: I was thinking more along the lines of a long weekend, but okay.
Mayor: And he spurns your advances. So be it. There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that's factually true. We want to take Angel's soul away. If we can't do it by giving him happiness, well, by golly, we'll just have to do it in the most painful way imaginable.
I almost feel sorry for Angel.
Later, at Angel's mansion...
Finally. The shaman's here, taking Angel's soul. The look in his eyes is priceless. I wish vamps took pics; this is a Kodak moment. I guess I'll just have to remember it.
I like the way he's looking at me. I knew he'd be a lotta fun. Maybe I'll be getting some hot sex tonight.
Much later, still at Angel's mansion...
Buffy's just coming to. I can't wait to tell her about the great times me and Angel have been having. I wonder what she's gonna say when I tell her about all the screaming that's gone on; me screaming Angels' name, Angel screaming mine, that girl screaming when Angel drained her. I wonder if she'll try to say it wasn't Angel, like he did. God did he get mad when I called him Angel. He backhanded me and yelled "I'm NOT Angel. I'm Angelus." But I knew it was Angel. He just wanted some kinda excuse so he could pretend he wasn't the one doing all these things. Maybe he has some kinda head disease.
Angel: Morning, sleepyhead. You know what I just can't believe? All of our time together and we never tried chains. Well, can't dwell on the past, especially with the future we have ahead.
Yeah, I'm really sure you never tried 'em. That's why B's all 'yes, sir, what else can I get you, sir?' mosta the time. I mean, she tries to hide it with all her snide remarks, but we all know someone's got her whipped. Oh, wait. That's her I-maintain-the-belief-that-I'm-better-than-the-fucking- Pope-by-being-so-ready-to-do-the-right-thing attitude. Okay, maybe you didn't try chains.
Me: Bondage looks good on you, B. The outfit's all wrong, but, hey!
It really did look bad. I tried to get Angel to let me dress her up in some of my clothes, but he seemed really against it. Wonder why.
Buffy: You don't know what you're doing.
My little B's all grown up. Imagine that. She sounds just like every wanna- be-in-authority figure I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. She should be a counselor when she grows up.
Me: Really? Weird, because something about all this just feels so right. Maybe it's one of those unhappy childhood things. See, when I was a kid I used to beg my mom for a dog. Didn't matter what kind. I just wanted, you know, something to love.
I paused for a moment and kissed Angel, just to show her who he's loving now.
Me: A dog's all I wanted. Well, that and toys.
I lifted up the blanket I hid all of mine and Angel's new toys under. Wouldn't it be great if B ended up with one of those lovely diseases I picked up? She probably knows not to share blood with anyone. Too bad she doesn't have a choice.
Me: But mom was so busy, you know, enjoying the drinking and passing out parts of life, that I never really got what I wanted, until now.
Buffy: Faith, listen to me very closely. Angel's a killer. When he's done with me, he'll turn on you.
No shit, B. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a killer too. And vamps? Kinda my specialty. I think I'll manage. But it's real sweeta you to be concerned when I'm about to kill you.
Angel: She's right. I probably will.
How could she not have noticed what an annoying smart ass he is? I wonder what would be worse, her being tortured by him or her watching me stake him? Maybe both. Yeah. When we got done with the torture, I'll stake him. But he's really good in the sack. Guess he's a keeper. For a little.
Me: Yeah? Hunh. Guess we'll just have to keep you around for a while then. Before we get started, I just want you to know, if you're a screamer, feel free.
I wanna hear her scream, suffer for the shit she's pulled me through since I got here.
Buffy: Why, Faith? What's in it for you?
Me: What isn't? You know, I come to Sunnydale. I'm the Slayer. I do my job kicking ass better than anyone. What do I hear about everywhere I go? Buffy. So I slay, I behave, I do the good little girl routine. And who's everybody thank? Buffy.
Buffy: It's not my fault.
Like hell its not.
Me: Everybody always asks, why can't you be more like Buffy? But did anyone ever ask if you could be more like me?
Angel: I know I didn't.
Maybe I will be staking him.
Me: You get the Watcher. You get the mom. You get the little Scooby gang. What do I get? Jack squat. This is supposed to be my town!
Buffy: Faith, listen to me!
Me: Why? So you can impart some special Buffy wisdom, that it? Do you think you're better than me? Do you? Say it, you think you're better than me.
Buffy: I am. Always have been.
Bitch.
Me: Um, maybe you didn't notice. Angel's with me.
Buffy: And how did you get him, Faith? Magic? Cast some sort of spell? Cause in the real world, Angel would never touch you and we both know it.
I backhand her.
Buffy: You had to tie me up to beat me. There's a word for people like you, Faith. Loser.
Back to being two of those three things. Alone and a loser.
Me: Uh huh. You're just trying to make me mad so I'll kill you. I'm too smart for that. Stick around.
Buffy: For what? Your boss's lame Ascenscion. Like I couldn't stop it. Me: You can't.
Buffy: I will.
Me: Keep dreaming. No one can stop the Ascenscion. Mayor's got it wired, B. He built this town for demons to feed on and come graduation day, he's getting paid. And I'll be sitting at his right hand. Assuming he has hands after the transformation. I'm not too clear on that part. And all your little lame ass friends are going to be kibbles'n'bits. Think about that when your boyfriend's cutting into you.
Buffy: I never knew you had so much rage in you.
Me: What can I say? I'm the world's best actor.
Angel: Second best.
I turn to Angel. What the hell's he talking about?
Buffy: Graduation day. You think we missed anything?
Angel: I think we know everything she knows.
What?
Buffy: May I say something? (pulls her hands free) Psych!
Me: You played me. You played me!
The Scooby gang bursts in the front door. I try to throw Angel in front of them, but he's heavy. Damn brute is a little off balance, but he doesn't slow them down. Buffy attacks me, holding me with my back to the gang. I'm struggling to get free when I feel a prick in my arm. Looking down, I see a dart sticking out. I turn around and Giles has a tranquilizer gun aimed at me. He fires off another and as soon as it hits me I slump to the ground, everything fading to black.
Am I the only one who would find it amusing if he said yes?
Angel: Watch this.
Well, that's just disgusting. Ew. Is that a salive trail?
Angel: See? Safe as houses.
They go back to kissing. Okay, I like those cookies I had earlier, thank you. I think I'd better intercede.
Me: Check out the lust bunnies.
Buffy: Patrol?
Yes, B. It is your sacred duty, you know.
Angel: Council has you back on active duty?
Isn't he supposed to be smart?
Me: Finally. They want us down by Mercer.
Buffy: Okay. Goodnight.
She follows orders really well. I wonder what she and Angel do, since they're busy not doing it.
Angel: I'll see you soon.
Why isn't he gonna patrol with us? Oh, B probably warned him to stay away. Wouldn't want him to have to hang out with something like me, because, you know, he's so good and pure and has never done anything wrong in 250 years.
Me: Don't worry, big guy. Just keeping her warm for you.
Buffy puts her arm through mine and we leave to go to the nearest cemetery. I would pull away, but I'm too amused by her hypocrisy. Wasn't she threatening to kill me a few nights ago? I always knew she'd crack one of these days. We don't talk much on our way there, but by the time we get there, I have to push a few buttons.
Me: Gotta tell you, B. The willpower thing, nice job.
Buffy: Thanks.
Oh, don't think I'm letting it go at that.
Me: But, the close but no cigar thing with Angel. I don't know if I could handle, you know, the way you're not handling it.
Buffy: Faith, when it comes to Angel, do me a favor. Duck!
I duck and B punches a demon behind me. Ya know, I'm a slayer too. I coulda just as easily back-kicked him. It's not hard. I wonder if she wants a demonstration?
Demon: Ow! Ooh! What are you, nuts? Going around punching people?
Buffy pulls off its hat to reveal two horns growing out of its forehead.
Buffy: People?
Demon: So what, I'm a demon. That makes it okay?
We both pull out our stakes. Oh no, we're getting synchronized! This is not good.
Demon: Hold it, whoa! Stake me now, and you never find out what I got for ya, huh? Think about it. Demon seeks Slayers, highly unusual?
No, not really. It's been happening an awful lot lately.
Me: Talk fast.
Demon: How would you like to get your hands on the Books of Ascension?
Shit.
Buffy: Never heard of 'em.
Big surprise.
Demon: Books of Ascension. Very powerful works and I'm not talking about the prose. They deal with some, ah, dark stuff. And the Mayor would hate for somebody to get ahold before he, ah, well you know.
Yeah, he would. Just say no, B. You can't handle the higher learning stuff, like books.
Buffy: Don't know. Before he what?
Demon: Hey, hey, read 'em and weep. That's all I got to say.
Tomorrow, I get the books. Meet me here and if the price is right, well I give the books to you.
Buffy: Not really looking to trade with a demon.
Demon: And if this were still a barter economy, that would be a problem. I want cash, princess, five large for the whole set.
Me: So you can buy, I'm guessing here, some skin care products.
This demon was more wrinkly than David Brinkley.
Demon: Plane ticket. Out of the Hellmouth before its adios, Slayer Loco. So, five G's, what do you say?
Me: I think "Die Fiend" sums it up, wouldn't you say.
The Demon jumps between us and runs away.
Buffy: Oh, let him go. I don't think he falls into the deadly threat to humanity category.
What happened to Ms. Kill All Demons? Not to mention humans who do 'wrong'?
Me: A demon's a demon.
Buffy: I'd like to know about these Books of Ascension. Anything that would pin the Mayor down would be great. Me: Yeah. It'd be great.
I wrap up the slay sweep as fast as I can and head for the Mayor's. His minions know better than to mess me with me and I stroll into his office and sit down. I tell him about the demon and he starts pacin' and questionin' me.
Mayor: And what exactly did this demon look like?
Me: Demonic?
Mayor: Ah. And you say he has the Books of Ascension, or will soon, and he was, what, willing to sell them?
Me: That's what I said.
He's over a hundred. Maybe he can't hear anymore.
Mayor: Hmm. You know what I wish? I wish you'd pull your hair back. I know, I know, fashion's not exactly my thing, but, gosh darn it, you know, you've got such a nice face. I can't understand why you hide it.
He's more random than that red-headed bitch. I mean witch. I wish he'd shut up about how I look, though. It's makin' me a little edgy. It's not pleasant to hear your fucking father figure lie to you to make you feel good.
Me: Yeah, sure. Whatever. It's just a matter of time before this demon guy is gonna spill. Then Buffy and the superfriends are gonna...
Mayor: You know, you worry too much for a girl for your age. That's unnecessary stress. Luckily, I've got just the thing.
He pours a glassa milk and hands it to me. I wonder where the cookies are?
Mayor: There you go. Now, first you load up on calcium. Then find this demon, kill the heck out of him, and bring the books to me.
I look at the milk glass and set it down without drinking. I don't do milk. Reminds me too much of other stuff I'd rather not be swallowing.
Me: And if Buffy gets to him first?
I'm getting real tired of that B gettin' to stuff I want first.
Mayor: Oh, well. Frankly I don't like to think about that. I like good, positive, up thoughts. If you fail me in that way. Well, you know, replacing Mr. Trick was chore enough. Oh, come on, don't worry. Drink up. There's nothing uncool about healty teeth and bones.
I go over to Willy's, beat 'im up, and find out where the demon is. I go over to his place and he's packing a suitcase when I kick down his door.
Demon: Hey, Slayer! You know, I wasn't expecting company. Give me a minute and I'll have the place tidied up for you.
Me: You got the books?
Demon: Well, that depends. You got my money?
I punch him. I really hate it when the enemy tries to get an attitude. That's my deal.
Demon: You're tough in negotiations and I respect that. Check 'em out. Now ah, that is quality merchandise. That's worth five grand easy. Me: Books of Ascenscion.
Demon: Mm hmm. Original editions and everything. Uh, great condition. Okay, it's a little worn on one spine, some slight foxing, but otherwise, perfect. Now, the five grand, it's ah, you know, negotiable.
Me: I don't like to haggle.
I pull out a knife-God do I love knives- and stab him. We roll around on the floor a bit and then I kill him. The blood on my hands takes me back to the last time I had some in the same spot.
I leave and go to Angel's, just like me and Mayor planned. He's reading when I get there.
Angel: Faith.
Me: Angel. I got nowhere else to go. Look, I hate asking for help, but I'm asking, cause, uh, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. The real bad kind.
Maybe I should try to get a few acting gigs. I'm real good at this.
Angel: It's okay.
Me: No, it's a couple of county lines over from okay, believe me.
Angel: Look, just talk. Come on. Start from the beginning.
Me: Mind if I skip past the 'mom never loved me' part and get right to it? I'm scaring myself.
Angel: I know the feeling.
Me: That's why I came to you. I don't want to get all twelve steppy, but remember when you told me that killing people would make me feel like some kind of god? (shows him her bloody hands) I think I just came down to earth. It's not human if that's what you're thinking. Not that that makes me feel any better or this guy any less dead.
Angel: Faith, you need help. You can't do this alone.
Funny, I just did. Funnier, I'm here, moron. With you, which would make me unalone.
Me: I know. For real now, I'm scared. Scared of what I am, what I'm turning into. Cold-blooded straight up killer. Like you.
Angel: Not like me. I didn't have a choice. But you do. You can stop this.
Me: Believe me, I don't want to end up the way everybody said I would, dead or alone or a loser.
Oh, wait, I'm already one of those. Sometimes two.
Angel: No, you don't have to.
Me: I don't know. Maybe it's too late for me.
Angel: It's not.
Me: Angel, I'm so scared.
I hug him.
Angel: It's alright, shh, it's okay.
We hug for a minute, and then pull apart. We hesitate, and I look down at his lips, but Angel pulls back before I can move in. Damn.
Angel: Whoa. Faith, I, look, I can be here for you. But not like that, alright? I'm with Buffy.
Me: Buffy, yeah. I didn't mean it like that. Maybe I did, but I wouldn't press it. You love her, don't you.
Everybody loves Buffy.
Angel: I love her.
Me: Good for you. The two of you, you're lucky. Friends?
Angel: Yeah, we're friends.
Me: Then I'm lucky too. I'd better go.
Yeah, I'm just the luckiest girl ever. God I need to go somewhere, get rid a this memory. Angel might be a nice piece of ass, but the only reason I want him is cause he's B's. If I ever get a man, he won't be so.. corny.
Angel: Where?
Me: I need to cool down. Spend some time alone. Don't worry about me. You've been a big help. Just knowing somebody cares. Hey, I know I shouldn't be asking this, but do you think if things were different that things between you and me would be different, too?
Angel: We'll never know.
Me: Right. How could we?
Someone would have to take away your soul, or something, for us to know. And how would that happen?
Angel: Take care of yourself.
Me: Lifetime of practice.
I kiss 'im on the cheek and leave.
When I get back to my apartment, the mayor and I conference.
Me: It's not like I wasn't trying, okay?
Mayor: Hey, there's no need to convince me. I'm sure you gave it your level best. I just don't understand what that boy could be thinking?
Me: Try Buffy Summers, like in a big, fat, one track way.
Mayor: Hey, come on, don't be discouraged. You're a bright, young, energetic girl with a whole life ahead of her. And I won't tolerate brooding. So you couldn't give him that one moment of true happiness.
Me: I was thinking more along the lines of a long weekend, but okay.
Mayor: And he spurns your advances. So be it. There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that's factually true. We want to take Angel's soul away. If we can't do it by giving him happiness, well, by golly, we'll just have to do it in the most painful way imaginable.
I almost feel sorry for Angel.
Later, at Angel's mansion...
Finally. The shaman's here, taking Angel's soul. The look in his eyes is priceless. I wish vamps took pics; this is a Kodak moment. I guess I'll just have to remember it.
I like the way he's looking at me. I knew he'd be a lotta fun. Maybe I'll be getting some hot sex tonight.
Much later, still at Angel's mansion...
Buffy's just coming to. I can't wait to tell her about the great times me and Angel have been having. I wonder what she's gonna say when I tell her about all the screaming that's gone on; me screaming Angels' name, Angel screaming mine, that girl screaming when Angel drained her. I wonder if she'll try to say it wasn't Angel, like he did. God did he get mad when I called him Angel. He backhanded me and yelled "I'm NOT Angel. I'm Angelus." But I knew it was Angel. He just wanted some kinda excuse so he could pretend he wasn't the one doing all these things. Maybe he has some kinda head disease.
Angel: Morning, sleepyhead. You know what I just can't believe? All of our time together and we never tried chains. Well, can't dwell on the past, especially with the future we have ahead.
Yeah, I'm really sure you never tried 'em. That's why B's all 'yes, sir, what else can I get you, sir?' mosta the time. I mean, she tries to hide it with all her snide remarks, but we all know someone's got her whipped. Oh, wait. That's her I-maintain-the-belief-that-I'm-better-than-the-fucking- Pope-by-being-so-ready-to-do-the-right-thing attitude. Okay, maybe you didn't try chains.
Me: Bondage looks good on you, B. The outfit's all wrong, but, hey!
It really did look bad. I tried to get Angel to let me dress her up in some of my clothes, but he seemed really against it. Wonder why.
Buffy: You don't know what you're doing.
My little B's all grown up. Imagine that. She sounds just like every wanna- be-in-authority figure I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. She should be a counselor when she grows up.
Me: Really? Weird, because something about all this just feels so right. Maybe it's one of those unhappy childhood things. See, when I was a kid I used to beg my mom for a dog. Didn't matter what kind. I just wanted, you know, something to love.
I paused for a moment and kissed Angel, just to show her who he's loving now.
Me: A dog's all I wanted. Well, that and toys.
I lifted up the blanket I hid all of mine and Angel's new toys under. Wouldn't it be great if B ended up with one of those lovely diseases I picked up? She probably knows not to share blood with anyone. Too bad she doesn't have a choice.
Me: But mom was so busy, you know, enjoying the drinking and passing out parts of life, that I never really got what I wanted, until now.
Buffy: Faith, listen to me very closely. Angel's a killer. When he's done with me, he'll turn on you.
No shit, B. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a killer too. And vamps? Kinda my specialty. I think I'll manage. But it's real sweeta you to be concerned when I'm about to kill you.
Angel: She's right. I probably will.
How could she not have noticed what an annoying smart ass he is? I wonder what would be worse, her being tortured by him or her watching me stake him? Maybe both. Yeah. When we got done with the torture, I'll stake him. But he's really good in the sack. Guess he's a keeper. For a little.
Me: Yeah? Hunh. Guess we'll just have to keep you around for a while then. Before we get started, I just want you to know, if you're a screamer, feel free.
I wanna hear her scream, suffer for the shit she's pulled me through since I got here.
Buffy: Why, Faith? What's in it for you?
Me: What isn't? You know, I come to Sunnydale. I'm the Slayer. I do my job kicking ass better than anyone. What do I hear about everywhere I go? Buffy. So I slay, I behave, I do the good little girl routine. And who's everybody thank? Buffy.
Buffy: It's not my fault.
Like hell its not.
Me: Everybody always asks, why can't you be more like Buffy? But did anyone ever ask if you could be more like me?
Angel: I know I didn't.
Maybe I will be staking him.
Me: You get the Watcher. You get the mom. You get the little Scooby gang. What do I get? Jack squat. This is supposed to be my town!
Buffy: Faith, listen to me!
Me: Why? So you can impart some special Buffy wisdom, that it? Do you think you're better than me? Do you? Say it, you think you're better than me.
Buffy: I am. Always have been.
Bitch.
Me: Um, maybe you didn't notice. Angel's with me.
Buffy: And how did you get him, Faith? Magic? Cast some sort of spell? Cause in the real world, Angel would never touch you and we both know it.
I backhand her.
Buffy: You had to tie me up to beat me. There's a word for people like you, Faith. Loser.
Back to being two of those three things. Alone and a loser.
Me: Uh huh. You're just trying to make me mad so I'll kill you. I'm too smart for that. Stick around.
Buffy: For what? Your boss's lame Ascenscion. Like I couldn't stop it. Me: You can't.
Buffy: I will.
Me: Keep dreaming. No one can stop the Ascenscion. Mayor's got it wired, B. He built this town for demons to feed on and come graduation day, he's getting paid. And I'll be sitting at his right hand. Assuming he has hands after the transformation. I'm not too clear on that part. And all your little lame ass friends are going to be kibbles'n'bits. Think about that when your boyfriend's cutting into you.
Buffy: I never knew you had so much rage in you.
Me: What can I say? I'm the world's best actor.
Angel: Second best.
I turn to Angel. What the hell's he talking about?
Buffy: Graduation day. You think we missed anything?
Angel: I think we know everything she knows.
What?
Buffy: May I say something? (pulls her hands free) Psych!
Me: You played me. You played me!
The Scooby gang bursts in the front door. I try to throw Angel in front of them, but he's heavy. Damn brute is a little off balance, but he doesn't slow them down. Buffy attacks me, holding me with my back to the gang. I'm struggling to get free when I feel a prick in my arm. Looking down, I see a dart sticking out. I turn around and Giles has a tranquilizer gun aimed at me. He fires off another and as soon as it hits me I slump to the ground, everything fading to black.