TITLE: The Goes The Fear - Part 4
AUTHOR: Willow
SUMMARY: Josh talks to his mother about his fears.
SPOILERS: Personal stuff up to S3. Set in an a/u between S3 & S4.
CHARACTERS: Josh, his mother, Donna.
RATING: PG - Angst. Character Death (though it's a character who's long
been assigned to 'The Land Of The Lost'.)
DISCLAIMER: They belong to NBC, Warner Bros, John Wells......
Josh walks out of his kitchen, with a coffee and a microwave pizza. He sits down on the couch, ignoring the ringing phone.
"Josh if you're there pick up the phone..... I'll only keep calling, you know that......Of course if you keep ignoring me I'll just have to come up and see you.... Alright then, I'll assume you're out. Call me when you get in."
Josh sighs and deletes the message, although he knows she will keep calling. An hour later he's sat reading some notes when the phone rings again and the same voice leaves another message.
"Hello Joshua, it's 4.25 and I'm assuming you're still out and you're not just ignoring me, because I know I raised you better than that. So call me."
Josh can't help but smile slightly, he picks up the phone and presses the speed dial. "Afternoon mom."
"Just got in Josh?"
"You know very well that I've been ignoring the phone."
"Yes. Why?"
"I'm trying to work."
"So its not because you're avoiding all your friends?"
"Who called you?"
"Does it matter?" Clara asks.
"Donna," Josh guesses.
"Leo."
"Leo?"
"Yes Joshua, for some reason the man cares about you."
Josh is quiet for a few seconds before slipping back into denial mode. "I'm fine."
"So you're not pushing everyone away? You're not refusing to talk with anyone outside work, eating lunch on your own, staying in alone at night."
"I've been busy."
"That doesn't normally stop you."
"Mom, I'm 41, I don't need you to tell me how to run my life."
Clara ignores him. "Donna thinks that you're pushing everyone away, because that way if anything happens to them it won't hurt so much."
"I thought you hadn't spoken to Donna."
"Did I say that?"
"That's not what I'm doing."
"I know," Clara agrees. "Leo thinks that you're pushing them away out of some feeling of guilt. Because people you love keep dying and you somehow feel responsible."
"I didn't love Mandy."
"Not anymore maybe, but you did once."
"I hadn't seen her in nearly two years."
"So how could her dying be your fault?"
"Hey, that's you and Leo's crazy theory, not mine."
"Actually that's not what I think, not this time."
"Mom please, can we not do this," Josh pleads.
"You can always hang up."
Josh sighs, "What's the point, you'd only call back."
"Yes I would."
"Go on then, what is it you think I'm doing?"
"I think you're driving them all away because you're scared. I think you're scared of loosing them and it hurting, because you don't know how much more you can take."
"Mom......"
"You're scared that if you keep them close they'll leave you anyway. But most of all you're scared that if you let them in, they'll see just how scared you are."
"I'm not scared."
"You know you can try and push them all away. You can try and stop Donna and Sam and CJ and Toby being your friends, you can try and stop Leo caring about what happens to you. You can try and push me away, you've tried before. But it won't work. Leo and Sam know what you're doing because they've seen you do it before. Donna knows because, actually I really don't know how she knows, or how she puts up with you."
"Thanks."
"It's not just Mandy dying that's upsetting you is it?" Clara asks quietly. When Leo had told her what had happened to Mandy she'd been stunned. All she could think about was Joanie. She was so grateful that Leo had called, that she didn't have to find out on the news. Most of all though, she'd been worried about Josh. Clara wishes she was with him, so that she could see his face and read what he was thinking. "Josh," she starts tentatively, "are you alright?"
"I'm fine."
"Have you been having nightmares?" Clara asks. When there's no answer she says, "Josh?"
"Yeh," he replies quietly.
"You have to talk to someone Josh."
"I don't need therapy."
"Josh, you've got......"
"I don't need reminding," he snaps. "I'm not about to have an episode."
When Josh had told about the post traumatic stress disorder, she hadn't been too surprised. She'd known something was wrong before Christmas. Then in January, when he'd come to help her pack up the house, he'd sat her down and told her everything. She'd hunted the internet for details and, after reading page after page of information, had decided two things. Firstly, and most importantly, he'd be alright. His friends knew what was wrong, they knew the signs to look for and they'd support him. He was having therapy. He'd get through it and he'd come out the other end. When she saw him a few months later, she knew she'd been right about that, he was his old self again, almost.
The other thing that she'd realized was, that he'd probably been suffering from a form of PTSD since he was nine. Now, over thirty years later, there'd been another fire, starting in a kitchen and spreading rapidly, trapping and killing someone Josh cared about. No matter what he says, she's knows he still cared about Mandy. However, PTSD wasn't what she was about to remind him off. "I was about to say you've got friends, friends who will quite happily listen to you."
"I'm Sorry."
"Talk to them."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I can't tell them about the nightmares."
"Leo and Donna already know you have them, Josh."
"Not these ones they don't."
"I don't understand."
"Doesn't matter."
Clara can sense Josh is closing up again. "Then talk to me," she urges.
"I can't, it's too......... I can't."
"Who was in the dream Josh?"
Josh sighs, his mother really does know him too well. "Me," he replies.
"And?" his mother prompts.
"All of you. I've had one for everyone who matters. Donna, Sam, Leo, CJ, Toby...... you," he finishes quietly.
"Oh Josh," she can feel tears on her face. She knows his pain, she'd held him often enough when he was a child. When he got older she'd sat in the kitchen with him while he drank cocoa after a nightmare. Now he's a grown man, but that doesn't mean he's stopped needing someone to hold him and tell him that it'll be alright.
Josh really didn't want to upset his mom. "I'm sorry. Look I'll be OK, I just need time to get my head straight. You know I'll work through it. I always have before."
Clara's well aware that Josh is going to hang up if she says too much more. She decides to leave him, for a while anyway. "Alright. But you know you can call me whenever."
"Yeh. I will call you tomorrow, I promise."
"Bye Josh. I love you."
Donna's sat watching TV, although she has no idea what she's watching. It's 8.30 and she doesn't know how much more of this she can take.
"Go and see him," Candi tells her for the tenth time.
"He told me to leave him alone."
"So? He's your friend and he's hurting. You'd normally be the first person there."
"I know," Donna replies. "Leo thinks that he'll work through it himself, he always has before."
"Do you know how sad that sounds," Candi comments. She sees Donna's glare and hastens to clarify. "I mean sad, sad, not sad, pathetic. He's what 40? and he's always worked through grief on his own before. How much has he had?"
Donna sighs, she knows she probably shouldn't be telling Candi about Josh's personal life. "A lot," she replies.
"Well maybe this time he needs help."
"He's got Amy."
"I thought they'd broke up? Look, from what you say and what Josh says when he's drunk, she's not the most caring and warm person on earth. Anyway, you said he hasn't even told her."
"It's been on the news."
"Did she know Mandy?"
"No, but she knew they dated. You think I should go over?"
"Haven't I been saying that all afternoon and evening?" Candi asks. "What did his mom say when you called her?"
"That I should keep on at him, that that's the only way to get through to him."
"You'd think she'd know best."
"Yeh. OK then. But if either Josh or Leo yell at me, I'm blaming you," Donna smiles.
"Josh I can handle, I'll just set the cats on him. I don't know about Leo McGarry though, I've seen him on TV and he seems a bit fierce."
"He is," Donna agrees.