Hi again. Cas here. A interesting question came up while I was wasted from drinking root beer. It was "What pickup lines do Final Fantasy characters use?" So, to answer that all important question, I used my vast powers to get quite a few characters in one bar and supplied the first three dozen rounds of booze. They all (well, almost all) took me up on it. Things went downhill from there. I fixed the slurring so everything comes out crystal clear on your end, whether or not that's a good thing is beyond me. Also, for some reason, a lot of them lost their memories. I guess beer does kill brain cells. *Takes a swig of root beer* So the nightingales are eating your lawn Mr. Hippo? Bats fire sidewalk my tree book appendectomy on Thursday. Ownership of Final Fantasy is owned by Squaresoft. Let's get this on.
The Worst Insane Final Fantasy Fanfic Ever
Cloud stumbles to the bar where Scarlet is on her twelfth martini.
Cloud: Hey Scarlet? Wanna see MY Mako Cannon?
Scarlet: That's the worst pickup line I ever heard.
Cloud: Gimme a minute, I'll think of another one.
Yuffie and Vincent are sitting at a table, Selphie and Irvine are at the next one. Yuffie and Selphie are currently wasted, while Vincent is sitting with his untouched drink in front of him. Irvine is comatose and should probably receive medical attention.
Selphie: That's the problem with snipers. They think they only need to have one good shot. I can't get Irvy here to budge the next day.
Yuffie: Not like my Vince. He's a real animal.
Selphie: Why aren't you like that you jerk?
Selphie hits Irvine in the shoulder. Irvine falls to the floor.
Vincent: I think you should him onto his side. He might die if he swallows his tongue.
Yuffie: (Cracks up) He said 'swallow.' I love you Vincent. And your brothers are real handsome.
Squall and Seifer are crowding Rinoa at a back table.
Seifer: Why'd you hook up with a loser like him? I got a bigger gunblade.
Squall: So? I've got more bang for your buck.
Rinoa: Sorry Seifer, but Squall's right. Let's just be friends.
Seifer: No!
Cait Sith: Hey baby! Wanna see my Mog Dance?
Random Girl#1: Gross! I'm being hit on by a stuffed animal.
Cait Sith: You'd better believe I'm stuffed.
Random Girl#2: I told you never to go to a bar on Ladies night.
Random Girl#1: What about that guy? He looks nice. And rich.
Reeve: Hello ladies.
Vincent (who is sitting next to Reeve): Why do you do that every time with Cait Sith?
Reeve: Because it makes me look real good in comparison.
Cloud has now given up on Scarlet and has made his way further down the bar to Aeris and Tifa.
Cloud: Wanna see my Buster Sword?
Aeris: I've seen bigger.
Tifa: Buzz off. I'm a master of drunken boxing. So leave before I make you my bitch.
Red XIII: She will.
Aeris: Aww, what's new pussycat?
Tifa: Don't you hate those kinds of guys? The whole "I got a big sword" routine. The damn bastards just cut and run.
Aeris: I know. One guy I know just put his sword in me and afterwards left me for dead.
Sephiroth: Want to see the Masamune I keep in my pants?
Aeris: Speak of the devil. Your too late, Cloud tried that one already.
Sephiroth: Did it work?
Tifa: No.
Sephiroth: Damn. Cloud, you stole my pickup line.
Cloud: You hit on my girl. I'll Omnislash your ass. Just as soon as I pick up my sword.
Sephiroth: Same here.
Tifa: Even when their in the mood they still can't unsheathe their swords.
Aeris: Hey Tifa, the bald guy is giving you the eye.
Tifa: Hope it doesn't belong to anyone I know. What the hell do you want?
Rude: "..."
Tifa: I said, what the hell you want?
Rude: "..."
Tifa: Wanna fight?
Rude: ... (shrugs)
Tifa and Rude get up and try to hit each other. Eventually they try body blows, with their bodies. Eventually they stop even that.
Aeris: Is that drunken boxing? Shouldn't they be trying to hit each other?
Red XIII: Maybe it's drunken wrestling.
Aeris: They don't seem to be wrestling right now.
Red XIII: It don't think they're fighting anymore.
Aeris: Yeah, kiss and make up Tifa! You can stop now. Ah damn. I lost my drinking buddy.
Cloud: (to Sephiroth) I love you man.
Sephiroth: I love you too.
Aeris: Get a room you two.
Cloud: I got one already. Aeris! See you at ten thirty. Room 78. Tifa?
Cloud looks over to were Tifa is *Cough* "preoccupied."
Cloud: There goes my twelve fifteen. Hey Sephiroth? Doing anything after midnight?
Quistis is standing around, trying to ignore each and every drunk who tries a line on her.
Irvine (who now has recovered from an overdose): How you doing?
Quistis: Get lost you gay cowboy before I wake Selphie up.
Irvine: Gotta go.
Zidane: Wanna come to my place and hang around?
Quistis: I don't date outside my level of evolution.
Garnet: Zidane? (Smacks him with her rod) Sorry, I need to train my monkey better.
Quistis: I'll say.
Edgar (From FF VI): Join me in my room for a shag?
Quistis: A "shag?"
Edgar: It's all up to you baby. We can shag now or we can shag later.
Quistis (pulls out whip): I don't think so. *Whipcrack*
Edgar: Didn't know you where into that sort of thing.
Cas: Oh, kinky.
Quistus: Why do I have to deal with this?
Cas: Could be worse. Look at Cait Sith.
At Cait Sith's table.
Cait Sith: What the hell?
Quina: Quina like fat Mog with cat on head.
Cait Sith: The Mog's a stuffed toy.
Quina: Quina can see it stuffed.
Freya: Wanna dance?
Kimahri: Sure.
They both get up and go to the dance floor. Freya starts dancing.
Kimahri: I love Riverdance!
Freya: Cool! You're my lord of the dance.
I sincerely apologize to anyone who reads this story. Cas is out of his bloody little mind and should be locked up. This is what happens when people with extra-dimensional powers get drunk. So, if you can alter the universe on a whim, lay off the booze.
Cas: It's only root beer.
Diathorn: Drunk is a state of mind.
Cas: And how.
Diathorn: I'd ask for you to review after reading this travesty, but maybe its better left not said.
I'd like to urge everyone who does read this story to go to Newgrounds.com and look for FF Tribute-Chocobo Mix, a.k.a. Robo Chocobo Voice, by Legendary Frog, from whom I got the idea about Quistis. I hope I don't get sued.
The Worst Insane Final Fantasy Fanfic Ever
Cloud stumbles to the bar where Scarlet is on her twelfth martini.
Cloud: Hey Scarlet? Wanna see MY Mako Cannon?
Scarlet: That's the worst pickup line I ever heard.
Cloud: Gimme a minute, I'll think of another one.
Yuffie and Vincent are sitting at a table, Selphie and Irvine are at the next one. Yuffie and Selphie are currently wasted, while Vincent is sitting with his untouched drink in front of him. Irvine is comatose and should probably receive medical attention.
Selphie: That's the problem with snipers. They think they only need to have one good shot. I can't get Irvy here to budge the next day.
Yuffie: Not like my Vince. He's a real animal.
Selphie: Why aren't you like that you jerk?
Selphie hits Irvine in the shoulder. Irvine falls to the floor.
Vincent: I think you should him onto his side. He might die if he swallows his tongue.
Yuffie: (Cracks up) He said 'swallow.' I love you Vincent. And your brothers are real handsome.
Squall and Seifer are crowding Rinoa at a back table.
Seifer: Why'd you hook up with a loser like him? I got a bigger gunblade.
Squall: So? I've got more bang for your buck.
Rinoa: Sorry Seifer, but Squall's right. Let's just be friends.
Seifer: No!
Cait Sith: Hey baby! Wanna see my Mog Dance?
Random Girl#1: Gross! I'm being hit on by a stuffed animal.
Cait Sith: You'd better believe I'm stuffed.
Random Girl#2: I told you never to go to a bar on Ladies night.
Random Girl#1: What about that guy? He looks nice. And rich.
Reeve: Hello ladies.
Vincent (who is sitting next to Reeve): Why do you do that every time with Cait Sith?
Reeve: Because it makes me look real good in comparison.
Cloud has now given up on Scarlet and has made his way further down the bar to Aeris and Tifa.
Cloud: Wanna see my Buster Sword?
Aeris: I've seen bigger.
Tifa: Buzz off. I'm a master of drunken boxing. So leave before I make you my bitch.
Red XIII: She will.
Aeris: Aww, what's new pussycat?
Tifa: Don't you hate those kinds of guys? The whole "I got a big sword" routine. The damn bastards just cut and run.
Aeris: I know. One guy I know just put his sword in me and afterwards left me for dead.
Sephiroth: Want to see the Masamune I keep in my pants?
Aeris: Speak of the devil. Your too late, Cloud tried that one already.
Sephiroth: Did it work?
Tifa: No.
Sephiroth: Damn. Cloud, you stole my pickup line.
Cloud: You hit on my girl. I'll Omnislash your ass. Just as soon as I pick up my sword.
Sephiroth: Same here.
Tifa: Even when their in the mood they still can't unsheathe their swords.
Aeris: Hey Tifa, the bald guy is giving you the eye.
Tifa: Hope it doesn't belong to anyone I know. What the hell do you want?
Rude: "..."
Tifa: I said, what the hell you want?
Rude: "..."
Tifa: Wanna fight?
Rude: ... (shrugs)
Tifa and Rude get up and try to hit each other. Eventually they try body blows, with their bodies. Eventually they stop even that.
Aeris: Is that drunken boxing? Shouldn't they be trying to hit each other?
Red XIII: Maybe it's drunken wrestling.
Aeris: They don't seem to be wrestling right now.
Red XIII: It don't think they're fighting anymore.
Aeris: Yeah, kiss and make up Tifa! You can stop now. Ah damn. I lost my drinking buddy.
Cloud: (to Sephiroth) I love you man.
Sephiroth: I love you too.
Aeris: Get a room you two.
Cloud: I got one already. Aeris! See you at ten thirty. Room 78. Tifa?
Cloud looks over to were Tifa is *Cough* "preoccupied."
Cloud: There goes my twelve fifteen. Hey Sephiroth? Doing anything after midnight?
Quistis is standing around, trying to ignore each and every drunk who tries a line on her.
Irvine (who now has recovered from an overdose): How you doing?
Quistis: Get lost you gay cowboy before I wake Selphie up.
Irvine: Gotta go.
Zidane: Wanna come to my place and hang around?
Quistis: I don't date outside my level of evolution.
Garnet: Zidane? (Smacks him with her rod) Sorry, I need to train my monkey better.
Quistis: I'll say.
Edgar (From FF VI): Join me in my room for a shag?
Quistis: A "shag?"
Edgar: It's all up to you baby. We can shag now or we can shag later.
Quistis (pulls out whip): I don't think so. *Whipcrack*
Edgar: Didn't know you where into that sort of thing.
Cas: Oh, kinky.
Quistus: Why do I have to deal with this?
Cas: Could be worse. Look at Cait Sith.
At Cait Sith's table.
Cait Sith: What the hell?
Quina: Quina like fat Mog with cat on head.
Cait Sith: The Mog's a stuffed toy.
Quina: Quina can see it stuffed.
Freya: Wanna dance?
Kimahri: Sure.
They both get up and go to the dance floor. Freya starts dancing.
Kimahri: I love Riverdance!
Freya: Cool! You're my lord of the dance.
I sincerely apologize to anyone who reads this story. Cas is out of his bloody little mind and should be locked up. This is what happens when people with extra-dimensional powers get drunk. So, if you can alter the universe on a whim, lay off the booze.
Cas: It's only root beer.
Diathorn: Drunk is a state of mind.
Cas: And how.
Diathorn: I'd ask for you to review after reading this travesty, but maybe its better left not said.
I'd like to urge everyone who does read this story to go to Newgrounds.com and look for FF Tribute-Chocobo Mix, a.k.a. Robo Chocobo Voice, by Legendary Frog, from whom I got the idea about Quistis. I hope I don't get sued.