A/N: Here's an idea I came up with after reading '50 Ways to Annoy Lord
Voldemort' on Mugglenet. It's a list of ways to annoy him and I used some
of them in this fic. I hope you like it!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. That belongs to JK Rowling, or, if you want to be brutally honest, the multinational corporation known as Warner Brothers. I also do not own '50 Ways to Annoy Voldemort' which is where a lot of this idea came from. And now, enjoy -
Voldemort's BAD day
Tom Marvolo Riddle, a.k.a Lord Voldemort, or 'Bow Down to Me or You Will Die a Horrible Horrible Death' (Voldypoo for short) as he was known to his friends, strolled (yes strolled. No truly evil Dark Lord would ever stalk, stomp or skip like how you see in the movies. By the way, the skipping Dark Lord was Dr Evil) into the dining room of his mansion. This was the headquarters for his Evil Empire - or what would soon be (he hoped) his Evil Empire - the wizarding world. So far his Evil Empire consisted of his mansion in England and - well that was about it. That was what this meeting that he had called was about - to make plans to expand the Evil Empire.
As he strolled into the dining room, fifty robed and masked men and women stood up. These were his Death Eaters, and they would do anything for him. If they didn't well - just look at his nickname. Wormtail, his loyal servant, announced his entrance loudly.
'Presenting the one, the only, Looooord Voldemort!'
There was a smattering of applause at this announcement. Voldemort was surprised. Wormtail had never introduced his presence before, and certainly not as a circus ringmaster.
Wormtail pulled a chair back and Voldemort gratefully lowered himself into it. It had been a long day. He nodded his head and the Death Eaters also sat. Catching his reflection in the mirror on the wall beside his chair, Voldemort quickly adjusted his hair and made sure that his makeup (which was solely for protection purposes - his skin still cracked and peeled in some places from where the spell which had brought him back had worked a little too well. He'd borrowed it from Lucius Malfoy, who had said he'd gotten it from his wife.) was perfect. He then turned to look at his followers.
'My minions!' he called to them, using the affectionate nickname he had for them. 'How long has it been since we last met in this dining room?' He waited for a moment. 'That wasn't a rhetorical question.' Still no answer. 'Well come on, how long has it been?'
'Too long, My Lord,' piped up Wormtail.
Voldemort contemplated the answer for a moment. It wasn't quite the answer he had been looking for, but then his followers had never been the best at maths.
'Correct Wormtail!' he said. 'All because of that bloody Harry Potter! He thought he could get rid of me, but I showed him! I came back!' Voldemort threw back his head and laughed. 'Mwah hah hah hah hah!'
'Uh, My Lord?' asked a Death Eater nervously. Voldemort stopped laughing in the middle of a 'Hah'.
'What is it Francis?'
'Um, how could Harry think of getting rid of you when he was only one years old?' asked the Death Eater named Francis tentatively.
'He has his ways, Francis,' said Voldemort knowingly, tapping his nose with his finger. 'Anyway, on to business. I see we have some new faces. Please stand up new recruits.'
Six rather short robed people stood up.
'Welcome, welcome. Glad you could make it,' said Voldemort. 'We're one big happy family here. Now sit!'
Five sat quickly, but one - the shortest one - remained standing.
'What's wrong?' asked Voldemort. 'Don't you understand the word sit?'
'Er - no - I mean, I know what sit means, but um - I wanted to ask you a question,' said the very short robed man quickly.
'What?'
'Why don't you have a cool scar like Harry? Cause that would be cool. You could be like twins!'
Gasps went up around the table. Voldemort however remained calm.
'What is your name?' he asked.
'Er - Creevy, sir. Um, Dennis Creevy.'
'Well, Mr Creevy, I don't know why I don't have a scar like Potters and I would ask that you refrain from asking silly questions.'
Dennis Creevy sat down.
'Any more questions?' asked Voldemort.
Silence.
'It's good to be back,' he continued. 'Now, where was I. Ah yes, how to kill Harry and take over the world at the same time. I say that we turn Harry's pillow at Hogwarts into a portkey and when he touches it he is transported immediately here where he will be tortured and then killed! What do you think?' He looked expectantly around at his minions.
They burst out laughing.
'What?' cried Voldemort. 'What's so funny? That was a perfectly good plan!'
'I don't know, My Lord,' snickered one of the D.E's. 'It's just - you're such a comedian.'
'I wasn't joking,' said Voldemort in his coldest voice.
The laughter stopped abruptly.
'Well, if you all think it's such a joke, what do you all suggest we do?'
There was dead silence as Voldemort looked around the table. Except - just on the edge of hearing - he was sure he could hear something - like someone - humming -
'Right, who's humming 'Good Vibrations'?' he snapped.
The humming stopped.
'Honestly, what has gotten into you all today? You're not the Death Eaters I remember!'
'Oh, by the way My Lord, I made something for you!' piped up one of the newcomers.
'Oh why thankyou,' said Voldemort, touched by the sudden kindness from one of his minions. They truly loved him! 'Come here and give it to me.'
The D.E jumped out of his seat and hurried to Voldemort's seat, a parcel wrapped in pink wrapping paper in his hand. He handed it to Voldemort.
'What is your name?' asked Voldemort kindly.
'Draco Malfoy, sir,' said the boy proudly.
'A Malfoy, eh? Well this present should be good,' said Voldemort. 'Let's see what it is then'. He started carefully unwrapping the paper, making sure none of it got torn. He hated seeing good wrapper go to waste, and always collected it.
He unfolded the last bit of paper to reveal -
'Er, what is it?' asked Voldemort tactfully (for him).
'It's bedsocks, sir!' said Draco enthusiastically. 'For those cold winter nights when your toes are freezing, just put these on and they'll be um...ablazin'!'
'You're a poet and don't know it,' said Voldemort dryly. He picked up the 'bedsocks'. 'They're joined together!'
'Er it was my first attempt,' said Draco. 'I'll make another pair if you like.'
'No! Thankyou these are fine' said Voldemort hurriedly. 'They-it-um I'm very grateful for the lovely present. At least you knew my favourite colour is mauve.'
'Yes sir, thankyou sir,' said Draco, bowing and going back to his seat.
'Has anyone else made me presents?' asked Voldemort nervously. Everyone shook their heads. 'Good. Now back to.'
He stopped again. Someone was loudly chewing bubblegum. Strawberry bubblegum by the smell of it. He looked around and located the noise.
'Severus, is that you chewing the gum like that?'
Severus Snape replied by blowing a huge bubble that popped all over his mask.
'Well, could you please stop?' asked Voldemort. 'Or at least share.'
Snape took out a packet of gum and started passing it around.
Voldemort opened his mouth again but before he could say anything Wormtail jumped up and shouted in true cheerleader fashion:
'How funky is your chicken? How funky is your chicken? How loose is your goose? My goose is totally loose!'
Then he sat down again.
Voldemort stared at him in surprise for a second and then looked back at the others.
*I will not get mad. I will not get mad.* thought Voldemort. *Think happy thoughts. Pink fluffy bunnies frolicking in the fields. Large chocolate ice creams on hot summer days. Torturing Harry Potter until he cries 'I love you Voldypoo!'*
His last thought was interrupted by one of the D.E's saying
'Um excuse me Oh Evil One, but when was the last time you took a bath?'
Voldemort felt his left eye twitch. He could feel a death curse coming on.
'I don't know, Goyle, why do you ask?' he said as politely as he could muster.
'Well, Oh Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live, I uh, was just wondering.'
'What did you just call me?' whispered Voldemort menacingly.
'Uh, Oh-Magnificent-One-with-the-Interesting-Scent.' said Goyle sounding a bit worried.
'Let's hope you called me that.' Voldemort sighed in frustration. 'Honestly, what is wrong with you all today? I'm really quite concerned.'
There was silence again.
'Now, on to business. Does anyone have any topics they'd like to bring up. Questions? Queries?'
'Uh, yes sir,' said a D.E down the end of the table. 'I was wondering - why couldn't we make the Dark Mark something - I don't know - more socially acceptable. You know, instead of having a skull with a snake tongue, maybe something like a fluffy bunny? We all know how much you like fluffy bunnies.'
The others all nodded and murmured their agreement. Voldemort was really getting quite vexed. He had never known his Death Eaters to have such sensitive sides, and to be quite frank, he didn't like it.
'I don't know, Stokes. We'll have to look into that. Anything else?' There seemed to be nothing else that anyone wanted to say so Voldemort decided to go on with the meeting. 'Right, well, I was thinking - ouch!'
He grabbed his right arm and looked at Wormtail. 'Why did you do that?' he asked.
'Do what My Lord?' asked Wormtail innocently.
'Pinch me you moron!'
'I didn't pinch you,' said Wormtail, just as innocently.
Voldemort looked at him in surprise again then went back to what he was saying. 'I was thinking that we could somehow get someone into Hogsmeade, maybe open up a shop and -' someone had their hand up. It was Napier.
'What is it?' snapped Volds. He was praying it wasn't another inane comment or question.
'Er, I was wondering,' said Napier, 'could you please give us written reports on all your evil plans? That way we know exactly what we're doing and everything, and can correct your spelling and grammar if need be.'
'No you may NOT have written reports on my evil plans! In fact -' But Voldemort was interrupted yet again - by an impromptu Congo line started by Snape.
'Da-da da-da da-dah! Da-da da-da da-dah!' he started humming, standing up, grabbing the Death Eater next to him by the waste and starting to circle the table. Others joined up behind him (Draco one of the more eager ones) and soon a whole line was worming around the room. Voldemort watched his minions kick their way out of the room - not all in time. The last person, Stokes, was singing 'Boom boom ain't it great to be crazy'.
Voldemort felt the eye-twitch coming on even more strongly. He put his hand in his robe and grabbed the bottle of Vodka he kept in there. He took a large swig of the stuff, sighed, and then followed the others out of the room absolutely miserable. What a way to start your comeback to world domination!
* * *
Meanwhile, In Albus Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Dumbledore, McGonagall and Hagrid watched as Professor Mad- eye Moody finished putting his Imperius Curse on the unsuspecting Death Eaters. This could be done through a magical mirror that allowed the viewer to see into any other room in the world also with an enchanted mirror.
Dumbledore sat back and smiled. 'That should keep Voldypoo preoccupied for a while. What a lovely April Fools joke!'
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. That belongs to JK Rowling, or, if you want to be brutally honest, the multinational corporation known as Warner Brothers. I also do not own '50 Ways to Annoy Voldemort' which is where a lot of this idea came from. And now, enjoy -
Voldemort's BAD day
Tom Marvolo Riddle, a.k.a Lord Voldemort, or 'Bow Down to Me or You Will Die a Horrible Horrible Death' (Voldypoo for short) as he was known to his friends, strolled (yes strolled. No truly evil Dark Lord would ever stalk, stomp or skip like how you see in the movies. By the way, the skipping Dark Lord was Dr Evil) into the dining room of his mansion. This was the headquarters for his Evil Empire - or what would soon be (he hoped) his Evil Empire - the wizarding world. So far his Evil Empire consisted of his mansion in England and - well that was about it. That was what this meeting that he had called was about - to make plans to expand the Evil Empire.
As he strolled into the dining room, fifty robed and masked men and women stood up. These were his Death Eaters, and they would do anything for him. If they didn't well - just look at his nickname. Wormtail, his loyal servant, announced his entrance loudly.
'Presenting the one, the only, Looooord Voldemort!'
There was a smattering of applause at this announcement. Voldemort was surprised. Wormtail had never introduced his presence before, and certainly not as a circus ringmaster.
Wormtail pulled a chair back and Voldemort gratefully lowered himself into it. It had been a long day. He nodded his head and the Death Eaters also sat. Catching his reflection in the mirror on the wall beside his chair, Voldemort quickly adjusted his hair and made sure that his makeup (which was solely for protection purposes - his skin still cracked and peeled in some places from where the spell which had brought him back had worked a little too well. He'd borrowed it from Lucius Malfoy, who had said he'd gotten it from his wife.) was perfect. He then turned to look at his followers.
'My minions!' he called to them, using the affectionate nickname he had for them. 'How long has it been since we last met in this dining room?' He waited for a moment. 'That wasn't a rhetorical question.' Still no answer. 'Well come on, how long has it been?'
'Too long, My Lord,' piped up Wormtail.
Voldemort contemplated the answer for a moment. It wasn't quite the answer he had been looking for, but then his followers had never been the best at maths.
'Correct Wormtail!' he said. 'All because of that bloody Harry Potter! He thought he could get rid of me, but I showed him! I came back!' Voldemort threw back his head and laughed. 'Mwah hah hah hah hah!'
'Uh, My Lord?' asked a Death Eater nervously. Voldemort stopped laughing in the middle of a 'Hah'.
'What is it Francis?'
'Um, how could Harry think of getting rid of you when he was only one years old?' asked the Death Eater named Francis tentatively.
'He has his ways, Francis,' said Voldemort knowingly, tapping his nose with his finger. 'Anyway, on to business. I see we have some new faces. Please stand up new recruits.'
Six rather short robed people stood up.
'Welcome, welcome. Glad you could make it,' said Voldemort. 'We're one big happy family here. Now sit!'
Five sat quickly, but one - the shortest one - remained standing.
'What's wrong?' asked Voldemort. 'Don't you understand the word sit?'
'Er - no - I mean, I know what sit means, but um - I wanted to ask you a question,' said the very short robed man quickly.
'What?'
'Why don't you have a cool scar like Harry? Cause that would be cool. You could be like twins!'
Gasps went up around the table. Voldemort however remained calm.
'What is your name?' he asked.
'Er - Creevy, sir. Um, Dennis Creevy.'
'Well, Mr Creevy, I don't know why I don't have a scar like Potters and I would ask that you refrain from asking silly questions.'
Dennis Creevy sat down.
'Any more questions?' asked Voldemort.
Silence.
'It's good to be back,' he continued. 'Now, where was I. Ah yes, how to kill Harry and take over the world at the same time. I say that we turn Harry's pillow at Hogwarts into a portkey and when he touches it he is transported immediately here where he will be tortured and then killed! What do you think?' He looked expectantly around at his minions.
They burst out laughing.
'What?' cried Voldemort. 'What's so funny? That was a perfectly good plan!'
'I don't know, My Lord,' snickered one of the D.E's. 'It's just - you're such a comedian.'
'I wasn't joking,' said Voldemort in his coldest voice.
The laughter stopped abruptly.
'Well, if you all think it's such a joke, what do you all suggest we do?'
There was dead silence as Voldemort looked around the table. Except - just on the edge of hearing - he was sure he could hear something - like someone - humming -
'Right, who's humming 'Good Vibrations'?' he snapped.
The humming stopped.
'Honestly, what has gotten into you all today? You're not the Death Eaters I remember!'
'Oh, by the way My Lord, I made something for you!' piped up one of the newcomers.
'Oh why thankyou,' said Voldemort, touched by the sudden kindness from one of his minions. They truly loved him! 'Come here and give it to me.'
The D.E jumped out of his seat and hurried to Voldemort's seat, a parcel wrapped in pink wrapping paper in his hand. He handed it to Voldemort.
'What is your name?' asked Voldemort kindly.
'Draco Malfoy, sir,' said the boy proudly.
'A Malfoy, eh? Well this present should be good,' said Voldemort. 'Let's see what it is then'. He started carefully unwrapping the paper, making sure none of it got torn. He hated seeing good wrapper go to waste, and always collected it.
He unfolded the last bit of paper to reveal -
'Er, what is it?' asked Voldemort tactfully (for him).
'It's bedsocks, sir!' said Draco enthusiastically. 'For those cold winter nights when your toes are freezing, just put these on and they'll be um...ablazin'!'
'You're a poet and don't know it,' said Voldemort dryly. He picked up the 'bedsocks'. 'They're joined together!'
'Er it was my first attempt,' said Draco. 'I'll make another pair if you like.'
'No! Thankyou these are fine' said Voldemort hurriedly. 'They-it-um I'm very grateful for the lovely present. At least you knew my favourite colour is mauve.'
'Yes sir, thankyou sir,' said Draco, bowing and going back to his seat.
'Has anyone else made me presents?' asked Voldemort nervously. Everyone shook their heads. 'Good. Now back to.'
He stopped again. Someone was loudly chewing bubblegum. Strawberry bubblegum by the smell of it. He looked around and located the noise.
'Severus, is that you chewing the gum like that?'
Severus Snape replied by blowing a huge bubble that popped all over his mask.
'Well, could you please stop?' asked Voldemort. 'Or at least share.'
Snape took out a packet of gum and started passing it around.
Voldemort opened his mouth again but before he could say anything Wormtail jumped up and shouted in true cheerleader fashion:
'How funky is your chicken? How funky is your chicken? How loose is your goose? My goose is totally loose!'
Then he sat down again.
Voldemort stared at him in surprise for a second and then looked back at the others.
*I will not get mad. I will not get mad.* thought Voldemort. *Think happy thoughts. Pink fluffy bunnies frolicking in the fields. Large chocolate ice creams on hot summer days. Torturing Harry Potter until he cries 'I love you Voldypoo!'*
His last thought was interrupted by one of the D.E's saying
'Um excuse me Oh Evil One, but when was the last time you took a bath?'
Voldemort felt his left eye twitch. He could feel a death curse coming on.
'I don't know, Goyle, why do you ask?' he said as politely as he could muster.
'Well, Oh Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live, I uh, was just wondering.'
'What did you just call me?' whispered Voldemort menacingly.
'Uh, Oh-Magnificent-One-with-the-Interesting-Scent.' said Goyle sounding a bit worried.
'Let's hope you called me that.' Voldemort sighed in frustration. 'Honestly, what is wrong with you all today? I'm really quite concerned.'
There was silence again.
'Now, on to business. Does anyone have any topics they'd like to bring up. Questions? Queries?'
'Uh, yes sir,' said a D.E down the end of the table. 'I was wondering - why couldn't we make the Dark Mark something - I don't know - more socially acceptable. You know, instead of having a skull with a snake tongue, maybe something like a fluffy bunny? We all know how much you like fluffy bunnies.'
The others all nodded and murmured their agreement. Voldemort was really getting quite vexed. He had never known his Death Eaters to have such sensitive sides, and to be quite frank, he didn't like it.
'I don't know, Stokes. We'll have to look into that. Anything else?' There seemed to be nothing else that anyone wanted to say so Voldemort decided to go on with the meeting. 'Right, well, I was thinking - ouch!'
He grabbed his right arm and looked at Wormtail. 'Why did you do that?' he asked.
'Do what My Lord?' asked Wormtail innocently.
'Pinch me you moron!'
'I didn't pinch you,' said Wormtail, just as innocently.
Voldemort looked at him in surprise again then went back to what he was saying. 'I was thinking that we could somehow get someone into Hogsmeade, maybe open up a shop and -' someone had their hand up. It was Napier.
'What is it?' snapped Volds. He was praying it wasn't another inane comment or question.
'Er, I was wondering,' said Napier, 'could you please give us written reports on all your evil plans? That way we know exactly what we're doing and everything, and can correct your spelling and grammar if need be.'
'No you may NOT have written reports on my evil plans! In fact -' But Voldemort was interrupted yet again - by an impromptu Congo line started by Snape.
'Da-da da-da da-dah! Da-da da-da da-dah!' he started humming, standing up, grabbing the Death Eater next to him by the waste and starting to circle the table. Others joined up behind him (Draco one of the more eager ones) and soon a whole line was worming around the room. Voldemort watched his minions kick their way out of the room - not all in time. The last person, Stokes, was singing 'Boom boom ain't it great to be crazy'.
Voldemort felt the eye-twitch coming on even more strongly. He put his hand in his robe and grabbed the bottle of Vodka he kept in there. He took a large swig of the stuff, sighed, and then followed the others out of the room absolutely miserable. What a way to start your comeback to world domination!
* * *
Meanwhile, In Albus Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Dumbledore, McGonagall and Hagrid watched as Professor Mad- eye Moody finished putting his Imperius Curse on the unsuspecting Death Eaters. This could be done through a magical mirror that allowed the viewer to see into any other room in the world also with an enchanted mirror.
Dumbledore sat back and smiled. 'That should keep Voldypoo preoccupied for a while. What a lovely April Fools joke!'