an: *hides*
*sigh*
I know, ages since I last updated this, but I've been busy, and I've been re-editing the chapter until I was happy with it, and also roughly planning the next chapter to make sure this would flow into it.
I'm not 100% happy with it so it may well be subject to change. I'll tell you in a later chapter if I've changed this one or not so you know :)
Chapter dedicated to: To all those who have given me beautiful reviews and have been waiting a long time for this chapter. Thankyou for your patience :)
Four months later found Harry in a dimly lit coffee shop in downtown Los Angeles, but Harry was no closer to finding what he was looking for. He lit a cigarette and brought it to his lips, sucking in the foul taste and then exhaling out a thin plume of bitter smoke.
His search had taken him all over the world; in the darkest gloom and the artificial brightness of the busiest cities. From places where suspicious individuals lurked in shadowy corners, selling sin and sex and decadence by the bottle, to large clusters of life and activity, where by neon lights masses of people buzzed and gathered like insects flocking to a lightbulb.
Harry raised his tired eyes and stared out the window, watching everyone live their lives.
So normal. So routine.
He envied them.
He wondered if they knew what it was to be loved and lost. He wondered if they understood what it meant to have lost and not found again.
..
LA became Moscow, Moscow became Paris. Harry had sworn to himself not to give up on finding Draco, even if it meant going to the ends of the earth. But sometimes the selfish mission he had set out on, and his selfish ways...they often led to feelings of self-disgust
On those nights Harry would lock himself away and...he wouldn't admit his tears.
Not even to himself.
So afraid of weakness and knowing now of only failure, the Boy Who Had Lived cried with self-pity and self-loathing and loneliness, with only the darkness as his friend.
..
After a few months of travelling, Harry felt himself losing faith in everything. Still no sign of Draco, and after a while, all the bars and pubs and drunken places of questionable morals became the same. Night after night, the liquor didn't taste any better, be it in Europe or America or Asia, and the company was never Draco. It might have given the illusion that Draco was there with him, but imagination only took him so far before he had to succumb to the bitter truth of reality...
With another one-night-stand storming out angrily after Harry called out Draco's name, and another puddle of spilled alcohol forming by the bed, Harry found himself wishing he had died in that final battle with Voldemort, wishing he had never had to experience the hell that was living a life without love.
Everything told him to go back to Ginny. Every logical part of him demanded he go back, apologise, and rebuild his life. Find his place in the fairytale that had been laid out on a platter in front of him. The one he had knocked over unceremoniously and ungratefully.
But then again, since when was love...or passion...ever logical? It was always just a fire that burned in you, a bee that buzzed at the back of all those logical thoughts. It was a tiger, waiting, coiled, ready to spring...or the feeling of utter and complete ecstacy achieved in not even touching, but just lying looking at Draco's face when it was half shadowed by moonlight. But never, ever logical.
..
Time was an unyielding force. It raced by, every day bringing more dead ends and no answers. In his childhood Harry had wanted time to go fast, to make him grown-up and able to be in charge of his own life. But now, Harry found he had no time. It was like trying to stand at the edge of the sea, where the tide raked the sand from under his feet, leaving him on shaky ground. He had no control of time. It sped on ahead of him, and he was left behind without any resolution.
More cigarettes, alcohol, nameless people sharing his bed, never lasting more than a day. The memories of his past had soon become nothing more than just that; bittersweet memories of a time, and a place, and a boy who had once been a hero.
His life at Hogwarts, the constant rivalries, loves, sorrows and triumphs.
A public figure-head and poster-boy, the one the world could place all its hope on.
His secret life behind closed doors, his secret romance with his so-called enemy.
His secret affair.
His outrageously publicised story-book marriage to his so-called childhood sweetheart.
The heartbreak, lies and secrets.
The fading dream he had lived.
Sometimes Harry wondered if it all had been a dream. A beautiful, tragic, sad dream. Sometimes he wondered about the world. Was he real? Was HE nothing more than dream, dreamed by someone with a brilliant imagination. Had he ever won or lost anything or loved or be loved?
It cause a fierce ache in his heart when Harry even edged around, or dared to ask that one question; had the love between Draco and him...had IT ever been at all?
Then one day, out of the blue, Harry ran into an someone from the days of his past. And the meeting would suddenly bring a jolt of reality to him. It would remind him of who he still was, and who he always would be. And effectively, it made a positive imprint in his mind that the love he had had was still alive, no matter how small the flame that burned, it was still there.
The meeting would come to set Harry's feet back on the path that had always been there for him. He had just lost the way.
---
The answers r coming! I love your feedback and greatly appreciate your encouragement!
A few notes:
If you don't like my style, I'm sorry, but that's the way I write.
I am separating my paragraphs S Wing *confused* Perhaps it's just your browser...?
Nope, I don't speak French. Not fluently anyway - but I dabble.
Thankyou, I love angsty slash and that's why I love writing it :)
All those who like Justin...well, I think he might be playing a slightly bigger role in later chapters. Maybe?
Yes, Draco's sick, but the answer to that is coming very soon.
Yes, he is still alive. :)
And yes, you'll find out who it is Harry runs into.
Thanx guys, keep r+r!
Much love,
Diamonds.
*sigh*
I know, ages since I last updated this, but I've been busy, and I've been re-editing the chapter until I was happy with it, and also roughly planning the next chapter to make sure this would flow into it.
I'm not 100% happy with it so it may well be subject to change. I'll tell you in a later chapter if I've changed this one or not so you know :)
Chapter dedicated to: To all those who have given me beautiful reviews and have been waiting a long time for this chapter. Thankyou for your patience :)
Four months later found Harry in a dimly lit coffee shop in downtown Los Angeles, but Harry was no closer to finding what he was looking for. He lit a cigarette and brought it to his lips, sucking in the foul taste and then exhaling out a thin plume of bitter smoke.
His search had taken him all over the world; in the darkest gloom and the artificial brightness of the busiest cities. From places where suspicious individuals lurked in shadowy corners, selling sin and sex and decadence by the bottle, to large clusters of life and activity, where by neon lights masses of people buzzed and gathered like insects flocking to a lightbulb.
Harry raised his tired eyes and stared out the window, watching everyone live their lives.
So normal. So routine.
He envied them.
He wondered if they knew what it was to be loved and lost. He wondered if they understood what it meant to have lost and not found again.
..
LA became Moscow, Moscow became Paris. Harry had sworn to himself not to give up on finding Draco, even if it meant going to the ends of the earth. But sometimes the selfish mission he had set out on, and his selfish ways...they often led to feelings of self-disgust
On those nights Harry would lock himself away and...he wouldn't admit his tears.
Not even to himself.
So afraid of weakness and knowing now of only failure, the Boy Who Had Lived cried with self-pity and self-loathing and loneliness, with only the darkness as his friend.
..
After a few months of travelling, Harry felt himself losing faith in everything. Still no sign of Draco, and after a while, all the bars and pubs and drunken places of questionable morals became the same. Night after night, the liquor didn't taste any better, be it in Europe or America or Asia, and the company was never Draco. It might have given the illusion that Draco was there with him, but imagination only took him so far before he had to succumb to the bitter truth of reality...
With another one-night-stand storming out angrily after Harry called out Draco's name, and another puddle of spilled alcohol forming by the bed, Harry found himself wishing he had died in that final battle with Voldemort, wishing he had never had to experience the hell that was living a life without love.
Everything told him to go back to Ginny. Every logical part of him demanded he go back, apologise, and rebuild his life. Find his place in the fairytale that had been laid out on a platter in front of him. The one he had knocked over unceremoniously and ungratefully.
But then again, since when was love...or passion...ever logical? It was always just a fire that burned in you, a bee that buzzed at the back of all those logical thoughts. It was a tiger, waiting, coiled, ready to spring...or the feeling of utter and complete ecstacy achieved in not even touching, but just lying looking at Draco's face when it was half shadowed by moonlight. But never, ever logical.
..
Time was an unyielding force. It raced by, every day bringing more dead ends and no answers. In his childhood Harry had wanted time to go fast, to make him grown-up and able to be in charge of his own life. But now, Harry found he had no time. It was like trying to stand at the edge of the sea, where the tide raked the sand from under his feet, leaving him on shaky ground. He had no control of time. It sped on ahead of him, and he was left behind without any resolution.
More cigarettes, alcohol, nameless people sharing his bed, never lasting more than a day. The memories of his past had soon become nothing more than just that; bittersweet memories of a time, and a place, and a boy who had once been a hero.
His life at Hogwarts, the constant rivalries, loves, sorrows and triumphs.
A public figure-head and poster-boy, the one the world could place all its hope on.
His secret life behind closed doors, his secret romance with his so-called enemy.
His secret affair.
His outrageously publicised story-book marriage to his so-called childhood sweetheart.
The heartbreak, lies and secrets.
The fading dream he had lived.
Sometimes Harry wondered if it all had been a dream. A beautiful, tragic, sad dream. Sometimes he wondered about the world. Was he real? Was HE nothing more than dream, dreamed by someone with a brilliant imagination. Had he ever won or lost anything or loved or be loved?
It cause a fierce ache in his heart when Harry even edged around, or dared to ask that one question; had the love between Draco and him...had IT ever been at all?
Then one day, out of the blue, Harry ran into an someone from the days of his past. And the meeting would suddenly bring a jolt of reality to him. It would remind him of who he still was, and who he always would be. And effectively, it made a positive imprint in his mind that the love he had had was still alive, no matter how small the flame that burned, it was still there.
The meeting would come to set Harry's feet back on the path that had always been there for him. He had just lost the way.
---
The answers r coming! I love your feedback and greatly appreciate your encouragement!
A few notes:
If you don't like my style, I'm sorry, but that's the way I write.
I am separating my paragraphs S Wing *confused* Perhaps it's just your browser...?
Nope, I don't speak French. Not fluently anyway - but I dabble.
Thankyou, I love angsty slash and that's why I love writing it :)
All those who like Justin...well, I think he might be playing a slightly bigger role in later chapters. Maybe?
Yes, Draco's sick, but the answer to that is coming very soon.
Yes, he is still alive. :)
And yes, you'll find out who it is Harry runs into.
Thanx guys, keep r+r!
Much love,
Diamonds.