AN: Here it is guys! Chapter 4. The much anticipated scene btw Buffy and Xander. Not much to say except I hope you guys are still liking this story. I hope you'll all review when you're done. Enjoy! :)

NOTE: Italicized words signify conversation that took place in the past.

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A New Beginning

Chapter 4

Xander pushed open the door to Dawn's room, peering around it to make sure that there was no one inside. There were so many people in this house that there was no telling where someone might be hiding, looking for a quiet moment alone. Finding the room empty, he stepped inside, waked over to Dawn's bed, and sat down on the edge. He looked toward the door to find Buffy entering the room. She stepped inside and closed the door softly behind her.

Buffy turned to face Xander, but she didn't move from her spot in front of the door. Xander smiled and patted the bed next to him. "Sit."

Buffy replied to his simple request by slowly approaching the bed and sitting gently down next to him. Once she was sitting, she put her hands in her lap and looked down at them nervously. She had no idea what it was that he wanted to talk about. 'Or maybe,' she thought to herself, 'it's because I do know what he wants to talk about…' Buffy sighed softly and began to pick at her nails.

Finally, Xander broke the silence with a loud sigh. He looked up at her. "Buffy, we need to talk."

She looked up. "Really? I never would have guessed that's what you wanted to do when you said it back in the hallway," she joked, smiling. Her smile disappeared when Xander didn't smile back.

"It's not a joking matter," he answered. "I'm serious."

Buffy looked down at her hands again, even more nervous than before. "You? Serious? Well then it must be important," she replied with a small smile.

This got Xander to smile a bit. But his smile faded when he remembered what he was here for. "I'm not sure how to ask you this."

Buffy looked up. "Xander-"

"Are you in love with Spike?"

Buffy looked at him in shock, eyes wide open. There it was. She knew it was coming, yet somehow that didn't make it any less surprising. "What?! Why would you…"

"Come on, Buff. We all saw the way you treated him in there. How you held him. Comforted him. The way you looked at him."

"Xander. I was just…he was hurting and I…." She looked down, unable to continue.

"You wanted to make it stop."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because…because I care. About him. I…"

"Do you love him?"

Buffy looked up. "No! Of course not! I can't… I can't love him! He's…I just can't…." Suddenly, she looked doubtful. She looked Xander straight in the eyes. "I can't. Right?"

"Buffy, you can't hide from your feelings forever. You have to let go. Accept them. Or you'll never really live. You'll just be dead inside."

Buffy visibly flinched at his words, brought back to a time one year ago, when she had said those same words to Spike. But she hadn't meant them. That night in the alley, she hadn't' been saying those things about him. They were about her. She had taken her anger out on him. Xander was right. Back then, she was dead inside because she couldn't admit how she really felt. Maybe it was time she started living again.

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"I love him. I do. I love him so much."

She choked up on her last words. She looked, fighting hers tears as best as she could.

Xander was left feeling speechless. He knew it. He could tell. She'd been too kind to him. Too caring. Too insistent that they rescue him from the Turok-han. He'd been there the night she "rescued him". He'd been the one to drive them home. She had carefully laid Spike out in the backseat, resting his head gently in her lap. She had smiled at him, stroking his head as he rested peacefully. The look of wonder and love that he had worn had matched hers exactly. The way she had looked at him then, her eyes full of caring. The way she had held him. The way her lips met his cheek and his forehead in gentle kisses. That was just not the way you treated someone you wanted around for "muscle". He had meant more to her. Tonight had just sealed it for him.

Back in the present, Xander finally spoke. "How long?"

"I don't know how long exactly. I think I've known for awhile now. Since he came back. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Or to anyone." As soon as she said that, she looked up at him pleadingly. "Xander, I know how you feel about him. Please don't-"

"I'm not here to judge you, Buffy. I'm here to help you. And him, in a way."

Buffy looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Have you told him, Buffy?"

"I…"

"Have you?"

"No," she answered, looking away once more.

"Well, don't you think it's about time you did? He's been through so much. All for you. For your love. Doesn't he deserve the truth? Doesn't he deserve to know how you feel about him?"

She looked toward him. The tears she had been trying so hard to fight slowly began to fall. "Yes."

"You're afraid. You're afraid that he's gonna die. For good this time."

A ghost of a smile passed over her face. She was too choked up to answer him, so she only nodded.

"Then maybe it's about time you told him. Gave him something to look forward to. Something to stick around for. With your love, there's no telling what he could live through. Your love is too powerful to let him die."

"Xander…" Buffy choked, her tears now streaming freely, her eyes full of wonder and love for her best friend.

"I may not like it. I may not like him. But I want you to be happy. I want you to live. To find a reason to live. I'll always support you and your decisions no matter what they are. I love you, Buffy." He smiled.

"Oh, Xander. I love you, too." She couldn't hold back anymore. She opened her arms and reached out to him. He reached back and they met in a fierce hug. They held each other tightly, Xander gently rocking her and rubbing her back as she began to sob. They held each other for what felt like hours.

Finally, Buffy's sobs subsided. She sniffled and finally let go of him. She sat up and rubbed at her eyes, embarrassed by her outburst. "I'm sorry," she said, sniffling and continuing to dry her eyes.

"It's all right, Buffy. It's okay to let people see how you really feel. Emotions are healthy. Don't you feel better now that you've let that out?"

She smiled. "Yeah, I do. And you know, I think I'm ready to let something else out too. I'm gonna tell him."

Xander smiled. He was glad he'd been able to get through to her. He'd said what he wanted; what she needed to hear. Now maybe she could learn to open up a bit. Not just to Spike, but to all of them. Maybe she would finally live again.

He was pulled from his thoughts when she spoke up. "I think you just saved another world, Xander."

He looked puzzled. "Whose?"

She smiled. "Mine."

Now it was his turn to get teary eyed. "Good. I'm glad to hear it."

"Don't ever feel like you're not needed, Xander. That you're useless."

He looked up in surprise. How had she known…

"Because you're not. You're a wonderful person, Xander. You can see what everyone needs and you give it to them. Like this talk. You saw how much I needed it and you gave it to me. I'm so thankful for it. For you. You're a great friend, Xander. We all need you."

Xander smiled. He had no idea how she knew what he had been feeling so recently. What he had talked about with Dawn just a few days ago. But he didn't care. "Thanks. That means a lot," he replied, smiling through the tears now falling down his face.

Buffy reached out to pull him into a hug. It was her turn to comfort him. "I love you. You know that right?"

Xander smiled into her shoulder. "Yeah, I do."

They continued to hold each other until, once more, they pulled away. Once he was calm, Xander spoke up again.

"So, you gonna tell him now?"

"Yeah," Buffy replied with a smile. "As soon as he wakes up, I'm going to tell him. He deserves to know. He deserves to be loved."

"Yeah, he does." Realizing what he had just said, Xander turned away, blushing slightly.

Buffy looked surprised to hear this coming from him. Then, all of a sudden, a knowing smile spread over his face. "If I didn't know any better," she teased, "I'd say you had a soft spot for him."

Xander looked appalled. He looked around the room. "Who? Me? No. No way. Uh-uh." Xander shook his head.

Buffy smiled at him doubtfully.

Xander couldn't hold back his grin. He sighed. "Okay, fine. Maybe a little one. A microscopic one." He held his thumb and index finger apart a fraction of an inch to make his point. Buffy just smiled wider, not believing him for an instant. He sighed again, louder than before. "OKAY!" he gave in. "What can I say? He just kind of grows on you. Like a fungus."

Buffy cringed.

Xander noticed her reaction. "Sorry, that was gross." Then he grinned. "He's more like a wart. Or a-"

"Xander!!" Buffy screeched. She reached for one of Dawn's pillows and hit him over the head with it.

"Hey!" he laughed, grabbing the pillow from her before she could hit him again.

"You really can't stay serious for very long, can you?"

"Don't laugh! I think I broke my record today."

She grinned. "Yeah, well-"

"Buffy?"

Buffy turned toward the door when she heard Willow call her name. "I'm in here, Will!" she yelled.

Willow's footsteps could be heard coming down the hall toward the room. She opened the door to find Buffy and Xander sitting on the edge of Dawn's bed, their eyes red and puffy, obviously from crying. "Is everything okay in here?" she asked, a concerned look spreading over her face.

Buffy smiled. "Everything's fine, Willow. Everything's fine."

Satisfied with Buffy's answer, Willow smiled back and entered the room Her smile quickly vanished as she said what she had come to say. "I've got Riley on the phone."

Buffy's smile vanished too. Time to face the music. This was one conversation she was not looking forward to having. She sighed and stood up. "I'll take the call in here. Probably the only empty room in the house."

Willow smiled. "Good luck," she said.

"Thanks."

Willow turned and left the room, heading off the kitchen to see if there was any food left in the house.

Buffy turned to Xander.

"Well, I better get going. Give you some privacy." He got off the bed and headed past her toward the door.

Buffy turned to around to face his retreating back. "Xander?"

He stopped at the door, hand on the knob, and turned to face her.

She smiled at him. Her smile spoke volumes. "Thank you," she said, her voice full of gratitude.

He smiled back at her. "You're welcome, Buffy." He turned around to leave the room.

"Xander?"

He stopped once more. "Yeah?"

"Maybe it's about time you started following your own good advice."

He looked confused at first, but then he smiled. She was right. He had told her to let her feelings show, yet he somehow forgot that he tended to hide his a lot too. Always using sarcasm and jokes to hide what he was really feeling. She was right. He should follow his own advice. He gave her a smile. "Yeah, maybe I will." And he meant it. He turned around and left the room, closing the door softly behind him. "Maybe I will."

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Quietly as she could, Buffy pushed open the door to her room. She entered the room and used her free hand to close the door behind her. She tiptoed over to her bed, placing the glass she held on her bedside table. She smiled down at Spike's sleeping form. He was in the same position she had left him in. Apparently the chip couldn't reach him in the deep sleep he was in

She glanced at the clock. It was now noon. He'd been asleep for four hours now. Willow had told her that Spike should be waking up soon. Buffy wanted to be there when he did. After all, she had something very important she wanted to tell him.

As gently as she could, she picked up his hand from the bed and sat down next to him. She held onto it, resting it on her lap in her own hand. She started to gently stroke his hand, smiling at him. He looked so peaceful. So young. So beautiful. He would make it through this. He would live to sleep like this again. She would make sure of it.

Her talk with Riley had been a hard one. He had argued with her just like she knew he would.

"Do you have any idea what you'd be doing? He'd be free to kill again!"

"He has a soul, Riley! He doesn't need that chip! It's killing him!"

"And that's a bad thing?"

It had gone on like that for quite some time. But she wasn't about to give up hope. Finally, she said the one thing that she knew would get to him.

"Riley, please. If you won't do it for him, do it for me. Please."

Riley had sighed. He still loved her. He always would. What the hell was he to do?

"I'll see what I can do."

He had hung up noisily. Buffy had put the phone down and sat down on Dawn's bed, letting the tears pass.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was Riley He had told her that he and a team of initiative doctors who knew the chips technology, were on their way to Sunnydale. They were on an assignment nearby and would be there in about seven or eight hours. He had promised to call her when they were almost there. Then he had hung up without another word.

In the present, Buffy sighed. He should be arriving in about four hours; around four o'clock in the afternoon. They would have a hard time getting Spike out of the house if they needed to. She sighed. Why was it never dark or rainy in Sunnydale? She laughed, suddenly having answered her own question. Of course it never rained around here. It was Sunnydale.

She sighed and looked back at Spike, still resting in peace. She was overcome with a great rush of emotion. Her eyes teared up as her smile widened. She bent down slowly and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. She reached out with her other hand and stroked his head, running her fingers through his hair.

All of a sudden, Spike's body twitched. She felt his hand move in hers, and she moved her other hand off of his head. She watched as he slowly woke up, blinking his eyes to get the sleep out of them. He looked around in confusion. Then his eyes fell on her and he smiled again, relaxing against the pillows.

Buffy squeezed his hand and smiled back at him. "Hey sleepyhead."

Spike squeezed her hand back in response. "Hey. What time is it?"

"It's noon. You've been asleep for about 4 hours."

Spike gave a small nod.

"How did you sleep?"

"Great. Absolutely great."

"Was it a dreamless sleep?"

Spike's brows scrunched up as he tried to recall what he'd felt. "Not dreams really. Just…a feeling of peace. Comfort. There were no people or images or anything. Just…a state of mind, you know? Lots of light. And just…peace."

Buffy smiled. He had such a peaceful look on his face as he recalled what he had felt. He could pull so much comfort just from the memory of it. She was happy. He deserved some peace and quiet. He had been through so much lately. He deserved some time alone. Some time that wasn't full of pain and torture, grief and self hatred. He deserved peace. Buffy would have given anything to let him stay there longer. But Willow had said they couldn't do the spell again for at least 24 hours. And by then…Buffy had no idea what things would be like by then. She was pulled from her thoughts by Spike. "Buffy?"

She shook herself out of her thoughts and looked at him. His look of peace had been replaced by one of confusion. "You okay?"

She smiled. "I'm fine, Spike. So I take it you slept well?"

His peaceful look returned. "Wonderfully."

Buffy continued to smile and looked down at his hand. Unconsciously, she began to stroke it. Spike squeezed her hand gently, letting her know that he was still there and that he was okay. Her eyes teared up at such a simple gesture. She lifted her head and looked him straight in the eyes. 'It's now or never,' she thought.

"Spike. There's something I need to tell you."

He frowned. Something was up. She'd never been this serious before. "What is it?"

"I…" She stopped. He had just twitched again, grasping her hand none too gently. "Spike?"

"Oh god. It's coming."

"What-"

She was interrupted by a bloodcurdling scream from Spike. His hand gripped hers tightly, and Buffy's could've sworn she could hear her bones creaking. He rolled over onto his side facing her, curling up, his free hand clutching his head as the chip went off. Buffy could do nothing but watch in horror as he writhed in pain. So much for his peace. She reached out and pulled him closer to her, laying his head in her lap, gently stroking his head as he curled up close to her; so close that Buffy swore he was trying to meld himself to her. She continued to hold him as his screaming intensified. Buffy was so intent on comforting him that she didn't even notice when Xander, Dawn, Willow, and Anya stopped in the doorway, none of them wanting to enter the room.

Buffy held him close, stroking him softly, praying that it would stop soon. All of a sudden, she froze. She watched in shock and horror as blood began to gush slowly from his nose. A steady stream of bright, red blood, oozing out of his nose and down his face. She was too shocked and too scared to do anything except watch. She didn't even notice when he finally stopped writhing, falling limp in her arms, out cold. She just continued to stare at the bright red line of blood on his face.

Finally, someone reacted. "Everybody get out."

Xander, Dawn, and Anya turned to Willow, confused.


"Go!" she insisted, resorting to pushing them physically away from the room. "Go!"

When the three of them were finally gone, Willow entered the room and shut the door behind her. She walked over to the bed. Buffy was still sitting there, staring down at him. Willow was reminded of the time when Glory had kidnapped Dawn and Buffy had shut down completely, retreating into her mind. Willow just hoped that she wasn't that far gone. She didn't think that she'd be able to go in and get her out again. She reached out and gently stroked Buffy's shoulder. "Buffy?"

When she didn't respond, Willow carefully moved Spike over on the bed. She put her other hand on her other shoulder and turned Buffy towards her. "Buffy!"

Buffy twitched, seeming to come out of a trance. She blinked and looked around, finally finding Willow sitting in front of her. She seemed to calm down and come back to herself. "Are you okay?" Willow asked with concern.

"Oh, I'm sorry Willow. I just…phased out for a moment there. I'm fine." Buffy got up off of the bed, forcing Willow to let go of her. She walked over to her bedside table and picked up a washcloth she had sitting there. She walked back over to the bed and sat down. She took the washcloth and began to gently clean the blood off of Spike's face. "I'm fine," she whispered.

Willow watched as she wiped the blood away. When she was done, Buffy took away the cloth. The beautiful white was stained with dark red blood. "Oh god." Her free hand reached up to cover her mouth as she let go of the cloth, letting it fall to the floor. "Oh god." She covered her face as she burst into tears.

Willow was shocked. She'd never seen Buffy act like this. It was just a little nosebleed. Yet somehow, it was a lot more than just a little nosebleed.

"Oh god," Buffy cried. She began to cry, her body shaking with sobs she finally didn't bother to suppress.

Willow reached out and grabbed her, pulling her close. She rested Buffy's head on her shoulder, and Buffy went with it. Her hands left her face and rested on Willow's shirt, holding on for dear life as she let the sobs wash over her. Willow felt tears come to her eyes as she began to gently rock her friend. It was scary seeing her like this. She was such a strong person. She never used let her feeling show like this. That must have been some talk she and Xander had. Willow fought back her tears. She had to be strong for Buffy. She needed someone to be strong for her because she couldn't be strong for herself. Willow began to whisper to her, trying to soothe her with her voice. "It's gonna be okay," she whispered. "This is Spike we're talking about, Buffy. You know he always bounces back."

"But he won't!"

Willow was surprised. "What do you mean?"

Buffy pulled away to look at her. "I had a dream, Will. A slayer dream. Spike was in it, and he was in a room. He was in so much pain. He was screaming. And the blood. Oh god. All the blood. It's coming true Willow! I thought it was wrong. I didn't think it would actually happen. But it is Willow! It's happening. He's going to die, and there's nothing I can do about it!"

"Of course you can. You can stay with him until Riley-"

"It won't do any good! He died in my dream and there's nothing I can do to change it. Nothing!"

"Buffy, you can't just give up. You can't give up hope. Just because it happened in your dream doesn't mean it's going to happen for real. Haven't you ever had dreams that didn't come true?"

"Well…There was one dream where I was a fish and I got flushed down the toilet and-"

"And that didn't come true did it?"

Buffy seemed to calm down a bit. "No. It didn't." She laughed. "Of course not. Cause that's just too weird."

Willow smiled. "See? Not every dream comes true. Maybe this one was just a warning. Meant to show you what could happen if you ignored it. But you haven't ignored it. You've done everything you can to prevent it. Maybe the dream was just meant to warn you that you needed to act. It doesn't mean that what happened is really going to happen."

"Maybe you're right," Buffy admitted. "But…but what if…" Tears began to fall once again. "What if it does?"

"Buffy-"


"I can't lose him, Willow. I just can't! I love him so much, and I never even got to tell him."

Willow didn't seem shocked by the revelation. She had had a feeling for awhile now. "Buffy…"

"I love him. He can't die. I need him. I need him here with me. I love him so much." Buffy started to cry again, burying her head in her hands. Her head was quickly relocated to Willow's shoulder as she pulled her into a hug yet again, comforting her once more. She just held her, gently rubbing her back, comforting her friend as best she knew how. Just being there for her.

Finally, Buffy's sobs subsided. When Willow was sure she had calmed down, she gently pushed Buffy away. "Are you okay?"

Buffy was unable to speak. But she nodded. She wiped her eyes, smiling gratefully at Willow, showing her the gratitude she felt without words. Willow smiled a bit at her. She leaned forward and laid a gentle, comforting kiss on her forehead. "I'm gonna leave you alone. Give you some time. When he wakes up, be sure to tell him that I hope he feels better."

Buffy nodded.

Willow got up after giving Buffy's hand a reassuring squeeze and headed toward the door.

"Will?"

Willow turned back to Buffy. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

She smiled. "I love you too, Buffy."

"Thank you for being such a great friend. You have no idea how much you mean to me."

"About half as much as you mean to me."

Buffy laughed. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Willow replied. She quietly turned and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Buffy sighed. She was so lucky to have friends like Willow and Xander. She had truly been blessed. She turned back to Spike and her smile quickly vanished. She cringed when she saw Spike begin to tremble again. He was out cold, totally unconscious. But the chip was still going off, and apparently he could feel every shock from it. Buffy reached out and held his hand, knowing he couldn't feel it, but wanting to feel like she was doing something. She continued to stroke his hand until he stopped moving, still unconscious, but at least the chip had stopped firing.

Buffy got up and lay Spike back against the pillows. She laid the rest of his body out as comfortably as possible, pulling the sheets up around him, tucking him in up the his shoulders. She pulled his left arm out from under the blankets, resting it out on the edge. She sat down on the floor next to the bed, tossing the bloody washcloth aside, and rested her head down next to his arm, laying her arms out on the bed. She pulled his hand into hers and began to stroke it yet again. A nice soothing motion. Perhaps more for her benefit than his. To reassure herself the he was still there.

"I love you, Spike. You have to make it through this. You have to. I need to tell you how much I love you. I need to show you how much I love you. There's just so much that we need to do."

Buffy sat there and continued to stroke his hand, speaking softly, tears coursing gently down her cheeks every so often. She told him about all the things she had planned. All the things that they were going to do. She knew he probably couldn't hear her, but maybe, just maybe, he could. She continued to talk to him, until, finally, she fell into a deep, fitful sleep.

TBC

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That's it. Hope you liked it. A note on Buffy's call to Riley: I tried and tried to write that as a scene unto itself and it just didn't come to me. I've been trying since the beginning. So I finally said screw it and just mentioned major points (of the conversation that would have happened) later on in the chapter. I just can't write Riley. Hmm, maybe that has something to do with my intense dislike of him. Eh, go figure. Anyway, that's why I left that out. I think it all worked out okay anyway. So as always, make sure to review, and I'll get cracking on chapter 5. :)