Disclaimer: We would like to make it clear that we IN NO WAY own or claim to own, or any rights to, or any trademarks of any characters recognizable from the Harry Potter series by Joanne Kathleen Rowling. Or any trademarks, rights to, express or implied, to the Calgary Board of Education, or anything else at all you may recognize from anywhere else.

We also in no way own Ransom Jr. High or any teachers therein. ALL THE CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY THAT ARE NOT FROM THE HARRY POTTER SERIES WERE EXTRACTED FROM REAL LIFE AND ARE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE. PLEASE DO NOT SCREW AROUND WITH THEM, FOR WHATEVER REASON YOUR TWISTED MIND MAY THINK OF. However, we changed everyone's names (including our own). Neither do we mean to upset any supporters of the Canadian Alliance. If you support them, don't read this!

A/N: I wrote this with Jabberwocky, so if you recognize her style of writing, that'll be why.

Chapter 8

A week later, George was quite surprised to be interrupted in his deep contemplations of how amazing Fiona (by then he had obtained her name) was, by a group of girls standing in front of him.

"Hi George," one said. "I'm Kait. This is Sally, Lily, Amy, Kailie, Ally and Ariadne, and we're friends of Fiona."

"We noticed you have a crush on her," said the one called Sally.

"And we know you're going to want to ask her out sometime."

"And we think that's wonderful. However…"

"Fiona, the dear, tends towards somewhat self-destructive behavior."

"And this is the first chance we've had to influence her boyfriend."

"We ask you to agree to these terms" (one pulled out a list) "and we'll see what we can do to get her to love you back. Don't worry, nothing illegal. And don't worry, she'll be happy." The list unfurled, and George read it.

By Signing The Bottom Of This Document, You Agree To The Following:

1. Never take advantage of Fiona in any way imaginable.

2. Never hurt Fiona, emotionally or otherwise.

3. Keep her from hurting herself while you are her boyfriend.

4. Tell us if her annoying habit of not eating grows to anorexia.

5. Be a compassionate and understanding confidante throughout the duration of your relationship with her, and maybe afterwards.

The scroll went on to:

110. Reassure her as many times as need be that she is, in fact, NOT FAT!

Why Would You Agree To Such Terms? We Figure That If You Really Love Fiona, You Will.

Why Do We Care? Because She's Our Friend, And We're Sick Of Taking Care Of Her.

George did think it was a little overboard, but he did love Fiona, so he signed with a flourish.

"So how can I win her heart?" George asked.

"Well, first write her a love note. Leave the rest to us. And don't make it anonymous," they said, and crowded around as he did.

"Dear Fiona,

I don't know how I'm gonna say this, but I guess I have to. Fiona, I love you. There, I said it.

Love, George Weasley."

They took it.

"Thanks, you'll have Fiona all to yourself in no time," the girls said, and walked off. Just then Kailie ran back and said,

"Um, George, please come to the East Tower at 9:00 pm on Saturday. Fiona'll be there."

"OK," answered George.

That night at nine, there was a pretty big crowd in the empty room. They were seated on the rug, and candles were lit. There was a closet, cleaned of its brooms, standing open in the back. When the last of the people she had asked to be there had come in, Kailie got up and closed the door.

"Hi. You're mostly my friends, but I told everyone to bring someone if they could," she said, to the twenty people sitting there. They were boys and girls, from all the houses, and over many years. "What we're doing is playing some games. I thought we - all us GATEs and you wizards - should get better acquainted - and if you looking for acquaintance, these are the best games to play.

"First is 'Honey'." (Kait giggled) "What you do is someone is 'it'. They have to ask someone 'Honey, if you love me, will you please, please smile'. The person has to answer 'honey, I love you, but I just can't smile'. You can change the names and touch the other person. Nothing grossly sick or illegal, though. Oh yeah, and it doesn't matter who you pick, it doesn't mean anything anyway. After you're it three times the last person you honeyed is up, whether they smiled or not. OK, everybody cool?"

There were nods around the room. Some looked confused. Others apprehensive, others scared, others happy, most on the verge of laughter.

"OK, I'll be it," said Kailie. She closed her eyes and spun around, to pick who she'd go with. When she opened her eyes she was pointing at a boy she'd seen in the Gryffindor common room but didn't know at all. "What's your name?"

"Jason."

"OK, hi Jason, I'm Kailie. Here we go." She sat in his lap and threw her arms around him dramatically. He looked at her like she was crazy. She started twirling his hair around her finger. "Jason, darling, honey, love of my life, if you love me, please, I beg of you, with a cherry on top, smile? For me? For the children?" Kailie could see she was getting somewhere, Jason was crimson. Everyone else was laughing so hard tears ran down their cheeks. Bruce was rolling around on the floor clutching his sides and screaming, "It hurts! It hurts!" which caused everyone else to laugh even harder. It looked as though the wizards were a group of easily embarrassed people.

"Er… H-h-honey… Y-you know I -I l-love you," here he cracked. He heavily stood up. He just asked, desperately, of a Ravenclaw 7th year girl the question. She giggled, seeing how embarrassed he still was. She went to a kid who, when asked his name, said "I'm Drake." He couldn't help giggling, the girl had a thick German accent, and she kept flopping her curls in his face. He went on to Jody.

"What's your name?"

"Jody."

"OK. Here goes nothing at all! Lovely Lady of the… er… Canada… if you love me - or something - smile?"

"Honey, you know I love you, but I just can't smile," Jody said in a monotone, she was also trying not to laugh. Then Drake did some first year, she went up and asked Terry, who forced a smile right away. He almost ran (though not quite) to where Lily was sitting. Kait was laughing. Lily was giving him the same "what the hell are you doing here?" look she'd had on the hill in Hogsmeade. He decided he'd go for it, and make a good job of this. He sat down and started stroking Lily's leg. And did something else with an arm that wasn't rude but you couldn't exactly see. Lily didn't like this either. She looked like she wanted to back away from him, but it wasn't allowed. He made his eyes as intense as they could get, and stared into her incredibly sarcastic ones. "Honey, if you love me, will you please, please smile?" he asked.

"Honey. You know I love you. But I Just. Can't. Smile. Now get the h-e-double-hockey-sticks away from me." Lily said, pointedly. He dropped the façade at one and moved on. Eventually the ring got to Ron. It was a boy asking him, but he laughed pointedly almost before he'd begun and moved right to Kait. She looked downright surprised. And skeptical.

"Can we move them?" he asked Kailie.

"If they'll move."

He picked Kait up and put her in his lap. She almost screamed. Everyone else was snickering. He took a very deep breath. Slipped his arm around her waist and held her chin up. She was looking at him like he needed a shrink.

"Honey, if you love me, will you please, please, smile?" He whispered, close up to her face.

"No. No, darling, I won't smile, let me off!" she stood up and reclaimed her place. She did look mad. Positively steaming. Also on the verge of tears, but that was understandable, since Kait cried at the slightest provocation.

She then got up and asked Neville. He almost smiled, but she was so scary in her rage that he couldn't. Then he cracked trying to answer. He got up and asked Airinne. She laughed (actually it was more of a maniacal grin) because he had decided that he was going to talk like he thought a duck would. And Airinne loved ducks. Just don't ask. But she did. She scared a first year by saying "I Am Bi-Man! And you have to smile to save Geoworld, ducks, and all that is cucumber!"

Eventually the line got back to Lily, where Fiona asked her the question, and then added something best not remembered that caused Lily to crack up. She got up, looked around, paused, and then strode over to where Siri was seated. She got down on her knees, turned around and fiddled with something a moment, then turned around. Siri was totally surprised to see Yoda standing right in front of her! Yoda (who was actually Lily in disguise) said "Siri, to a Jedi Knight become, smile you must." Siri struggled to keep a delighted smile from reaching her face. Yoda turned around and fiddled with something, and when he turned back to face Siri, he was holding a small holographic Obi-Wan Kenobi in his hand. The holograph of Obi-Wan flickered momentarily, at which Yoda wiggled his ears, frowned and fiddled with something by Obi-Wan's feet. The holograph stabilized and began to speak. "Siri, to defeat the Sith and keep the Jedi out of Luke's extremely incapable hands, you must smile." The holograph flickered again and disappeared. "If convinced you this has not, perhaps this will," said Yoda. He turned slightly away from Siri and pointed his cane/stick-type-thing at a wall which rippled, then parted for a tall well-built man dressed in a WWII (American) army uniform.

"OH MY GOD!!!! DANNY!!!!" Siri grinned maniacally, at which point Yoda disappeared, to be replaced by a kneeling Lily.

"Ha! Got you to smile!" Siri grumbled a moment, then got up. She looked around for a moment, then turned to Fred and said, totally deadpan, "Honey, if you love me, will you please, please smile." Much to everyone's surprise, Fred started laughing uncontrollably. Everyone just kind of looked at him funny.

"Uh, Siri? I think he's trying to tell you something…"

We're going to skip through a few of the other kissy-games they played under Kailie's scarred hand, such as suck-and-blow, and the others she used to play back in Calgary. Eventually they got round to Seven Minutes of Heaven. Moans arose from Muggle-borns and GATEs. But Kailie was convinced they should play it, and they held a vote. Unfortunately, most of the people were wizards who had no idea what Seven Minutes of Heaven was, and were quite curious as to what could raise such despairing moans, and still be called Seven Minutes of Heaven. So most of them voted in favour. Kailie, doing the righteous thing, picked Jason, because she knew him kind of, and went into the closet.

"Why are we in here?" he asked

"To - uh - talk, yeah," she answered.

"OK. About what?"

"Anything."

"OK."

The minutes slowly ticked by. Eventually seven minutes were up and they came out again. Now, because this is really, really boring, we're just going to skip to the "important couples", because it would take forever to describe the conversations twenty people have in a closet in pairs. Drake dragged Jody in.

"Er - well… hi," she said.

"Yeah. Hi." Jody was rather alarmed by the fact that his grey-blue eyes looked green and glowed in the dark, and his hair looked silvery.

"How come your eyes glow?" she asked. This was just too weird to beat around the bush about.

"Eyes? Mine? Glow? I don't know what you're talking about." he said, trying to act surprised, and turned away. That was really the only remarkable part of that conversation. Continuing. Neville, wondering what he'd done right with the duck thing, dragged Airinne in.

"Do you like ducks?" he asked.

"Do I like ducks? Are cucumbers green? Is Batman cool? Is Bi-Man even cooler?" she demanded.

"Oh. Ducks are cool."

"They're not cool. They are so amazing…" she continued on for quite some time. For almost seven minutes, actually. Most of them went something like Kailie's. A short talk. Kait's had a big clash and some "ow"s; Ron had picked her and she was really mad at him for picking her… yet again. She had made a mad break for the door after trying to make Ron's head explode (or at least burst into flames) by staring at it, and made most of the brooms still left in the closet fall over and hit Ron on the head. Lily's was also a short talk, but Terry was really trying to figure out what in the world you were supposed to do in the closet. So most of it was as follows:

"So, what are we supposed to be doing?"

"You don't want to know."

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't. Trust me on this, 'kay?"

"Er… alright…"

The only one who actually did what everyone knows you are actually supposed to be doing in Seven Minutes of Heaven was Pansy Parkinson, who had dragged Kirk T. in there. Most of the GATEs turned slightly green, and a few gagged, then ran to the washroom with a hand pressed firmly over their mouth. The moans and heavy breathing coming from the closet upset them a bit. A few minutes later, Lily appeared in the doorway, with her hand on her stomach.

"Are they still in there?"

"Oh, Kirk!" followed a heavy thud from inside the closet. A few more GATE kids jumped up and ran out the door.

"Kailie? Can we go? PLEASE?"

"Uh… Yeah, that might be a good idea." Kailie also looked like she was going to puke, but that was her own fault, since she suggested the game.

On the way back to the Ravenclaw Common Room, which was across the castle from the south tower, they saw the person Kailie had chosen for Honey, strutting his stuff down the hallway. He was obviously very cool. However, he walked past Draco and his gang. The girls were behind a corner, watching the scene. They were fervently avoiding Draco these days. As they passed, Draco put on a very nasty sneer, and Jason flipped up the collar on his overly buckled robes. Then they continued walking. And Lily started to whistle "The Rum Tum Tugger".

"Either that or Danny Zucco," said Kait. "The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat, and there isn't any need for me to shout it, for he will do as he do do, and there's no doin' anything abou-ou-ou-ou-out it!" she commenced singing "The Rum Tum Tugger" until Lily smacked her upside the head. Then she started "He's the Pipe -". Airinne moaned. So did Lily.

"So let me sing The Rum Tum Tugger," said Kait. They gave in. But she started singing "Eldorado, the magnificent, 1000 years ago, Eldorado, Eldorado, Eldora-a-a-ado!"

"Did you guys see his teeth?" asked Kailie.

"Er… yeah… bit pointier than normal, eh?"

"Just what I thought…"

"Hmm, maybe we've a vampire in our midst…"

"Wonder if he can turn into a bat?"

"Um, sure he can, Airinne…"

"Yay!" As Airinne said this they were turning another corner, but they heard the voices of Dumbledore and someone else - most guessed by the sneer and topic it was Snape.

"What's the latest, what is he up to?"

"He's in Canada. I had to take a plane back; that's why I'm so late."

"Why didn't you just Apparate to Hogsmeade?"

"There are Apparation laws in Canada; surely you knew that?"

"No; I haven't been there for ages."

"Oh."

"And you… do you have to go back?" This was from McGonagall, actually. This rather surprised the girls.

"Yeah. Sorry Minnie, you know how it is."

" 'Minnie'?" hissed Lily, an incredulous look on her face.

"Yeah. Remind me why we act so incredibly stupid in front of the students?"

"Min, you know - Gryffindor, Slytherin? It would give the main part of them a heart attack, and the others would die of shock!"

"True. Well, goodbye…" the sentence ended in several mushy 'kissy' noises. Lily almost threw up.

"Bad mental picture! Ew! Ew! Out! Out! That is sick! Get out! Oh gross! Ew!" She said, while hitting her forehead repeatedly with the heel of her hand. Kait laughed. But she quickly stopped; a starry-eyed McGonagall emerged on the arm of Snape, who had a "cat-that-ate-the-canary" self-satisfied grin on his face. When they turned the corner and saw the girls, they quickly separated and donned their normal expressions; dead serious and sneering.

"Lily! You should see Madam Pomfrey, you look rather ill…" said McGonagall, trying to draw attention to someone else.

"She's just a little shocked, Professor, she'll be fine in a bit." said Kait. The two professors turned opposite ways at the next corner, and Lily said firmly "This has been an extremely gross day and I want it over!"