Through It All Part Two
In the next several months that followed the miscarriage, life was unhappy at the Carter house. John tried to comfort his wife, to be there for her. He took care of Livy as much as he could, he cooked meals, did the laundry. All the while Abby continued to withdraw deeper inside herself. She was resistive to any signs of affection from her husband. She had decided that she was hurting him because she couldn't bear his children. So she thought the best course of action to take was to avoid physical contact. If she didn't touch him she would avoid the possibility of becoming pregnant again.
John was trying to be patient. He loved Abby so much. It broke his heart to see her like this. He wanted to comfort her so badly, to be all that she would ever need. As much as he yearned for a second child, he yearned for her more. She was his everything. And he was watching her slowly dissolve into herself. He didn't think he could stand it much longer.
One day at the ER Susan asked him if he would like to go for a cup of coffee. At first he was reluctant, but once he realized Susan wasn't going to take no for an answer he agreed. They took a small table by the window and sat down with cups of coffee and sandwiches.
"So, Carter, what's up with you lately?"
"Nothing." Carter looked at her, "Just the usual."
"You're very distant. That's not like you. Is something happening at home?"
"We are still adjusting, grieving. We are exhausted from taking care of Olivia. The same things that all parents go through."
"Are you sure that's all?"
"Would I lie to you Susan?"
"Well, you might keep some things to yourself so that you don't worry other people. I am not trying to pry but I really care about you and Abby and Olivia. I want nothing but happiness for all of you."
John swallowed hard, "I know."
"Then tell me what's up."
Carter looked at her and he knew he was going to have to spill. She wasn't letting him leave until he did. "Abby is being very closed off from me right now. She won't talk to me. She won't let me hug her or kiss her. It's breaking my heart. I yearn to hold her in my arms and let her cry. To tell her that I love her and I don't blame any of this on her, but she won't let me in. She won't let me in. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her."
He had tears in his eyes now, "I don't care if we ever have another child. I just want my wife back. I'm empty without her."
Susan covered her hand with his, "Oh, John I'm sorry. I really don't know what to say except that if there is any way I can help let me know. And anytime you need to talk to I'm here."
Carter's pager went off. "We better get back." Susan stood and they walked back towards the ER.
After
his shift ended Carter stopped at the store and then headed home. He turned his
key in the lock and the sight before him made his heart sink. Abby was sitting
on the couch holding a pair of baby booties, and sobbing into her hands. Carter
swallowed his own tears and went and sat beside his wife. He draped one arm
around her shoulders. He whispered into her ear, "Abby, I love you. Let me in."
Abby resisted the urge she had to run into their room and close the door. Instead she allowed Carter's comfort for a few moments before rising to her feet. "I'm tired I'm going to take a nap."
"Do you want some company?"
"No, I need to be alone."
"Abby, I-"
"John, no, I'm just not ready. Olivia should be home in a minute. Maybe you could take her to the park or something."
"Abby," he called after her as she went into the room and shut the door.
An hour later John and Olivia found themselves at the park. John was sitting on a bench watching Olivia play on the swings. Carter got lost in thought and memories of happier times came floating back to him. Just a few months ago he and his wife had sat on this very park bench and talked in excitement about their new baby. Abby had sat in Carter's lap and he had rested his hand on her belly.
"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" she asked.
"I don't know. A boy maybe?"
"John Truman Carter the fourth."
"Ugh. No, I don't want to put such a horrible responsibility on my son. Just being a Carter is bad enough."
Abby smiled that warm, loving smile at him, "I love being a Carter, personally."
Carter kissed her, "I love you being a Carter."
While Carter was lost in his thoughts a young boy came up to Olivia, "My name is Robby what's your name?"
"Olivia Kathleen Carter. I'm 6."
"I'm 5." He pointed across the swing to a little boy on a slide, "That's my brother Taylor he's 6."
"Oh." Olivia said her eyes suddenly brimming with tears. She ran up to her Dad, "Daddy, I don't want to play can we go home?" Her question snapped John back to reality.
"Sure sweetie." John took her hand and together they walked home. "May I ask why you suddenly wanted to go home."
Olivia looked at him sadly, "Because that little boy had a brother and it made me think about the brother that I really, really wanted." Olivia burst into tears.
Carter scooped his daughter up in his arms, "Oh sweet Livy, I know, honey, I know." Olivia cried into his shoulder. "And I miss Mommy. She is sad all the time. Why is Mommy sad all the time? Is it because of the baby? Is it because she wanted the baby and now that he is gone she doesn't want me anymore either?"
Carter took Olivia's chin into his hands and looked into her eyes. "Olivia Carter your Mommy loves you so much. She would never wish you away. Ever. You have to believe me. Things are going to get better honey, soon."
Olivia sniffed, "Promise?"
John hugged her tight, "I promise."
They reached their home shortly and Livy ran into the house obviously looking for her Mother. She found Abby asleep in her bedroom. Olivia crawled into bed next to her Mother and snuggled up next to her placing her small head on her Mother's chest. "Mommy, it's Livy. I know that you are asleep but I want to tell you that I love you so much. I am sorry that you lost the baby. I know how much you wanted him. I know that you hurt real bad, and I wish that you didn't. I miss you Mommy. Daddy said that things would get better soon. I hope so, I miss you and Daddy and me being a family." Olivia kissed Abby's cheek and ran from the room trying to hold the tears back until she was safe in her own room.
Carter stood in the doorway watching the scene, small tears lingering in his own eyes. He couldn't take it. He was watching his daughter's heart break. And he was desperate to make it stop.
Abby looked up at Carter. "Would you mind telling me what that was about?"
"At the park Olivia told me some things. She's so sad Abby. She's hurting as much as we are and in some ways even more because she thinks this is all her fault. She thinks we don't want her anymore, that you want don't want to be her Mother."
"That's ridiculous Carter, of course I want to be her Mother."
"Well, you haven't proven that to her lately."
"Where do you get off saying that to me? I'm doing the best I can."
Carter was growing visibly angry, "Are you? Are you? Listen to your daughter! Listen to her words! Hear her heart! Look at what you are doing to her… to us."
Abby glared at him, "Livy said that you promised her that things would get better soon. I don't think things will ever be the same between us again." Her words split Carter's heart in two. He stood in the doorway still, his face changed from anger to despair. He had lost her. They had lost each other. And somewhere in between was their little girl, wanting desperately to piece everything back together.
As the days continued to go by Carter got more and more frustrated with this situation. He was still heartbroken after the loss of their child, but he was more heartbroken over the loss of his wife, and the loss of Olivia's mother. Abby was just not herself anymore. She was not a part of their lives. Ever since their argument about Olivia, things had totally changed. They no longer even tried to pretend that they were together. Carter spent the nights sleeping on the couch, and Abby slept alone in their bed. Carter missed her so much, he didn't know how much longer he could take it. Olivia grew more and more upset and anxious as she saw that her Daddy's promise was not being fulfilled. Carter was at a loss as to what to do about. But, he decided he had to do something. He had promised Olivia that things would get better soon. Now was as good a time as any. One day after talking with Susan in the lounge for several minutes, Carter emerged into triage with a smile on his face.
"Oh Dr. Carter, that's the first time I've seen you smile in a while. Things must be better now." Jerry commented his tone half-joking, half-serious.
"Well Jerry I have devised a plan that just may work. It just may work."
Abby sat at home on the sofa watching reruns of old soap operas all the while unaware of how much she would have to participate in her husband's master plan. And he of course, would have to wait and see how she reacted. Her reaction could change all their lives for better or for worse.