In Love and War - Part Six
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Onara clung to Obi-Wan's arm as they walked slowly down the wide corridor, her body shivering against his. The moment he had feared had finally arrived. It was early evening of the day Onara had awoken from her _yanol_. Although she had expressed a wish to see Ben and Dalan, Obi-Wan had sensed that as much as she wanted to see them, she also dreaded it.
After her awakening, Onara had bathed, had breakfast, greeted Simtro and the other servants, then spent a few moments alone talking with Auna. When the Cordu-Ji woman left Onara's chamber, she had only smiled slyly at Obi- Wan as she passed him where he had been waiting outside.
Then, Obi-Wan had had to spend at least an hour calming down Malica, Onara's nurse, who had convinced herself she had been negligent in her duties in having left Onara with Auna. Obi-Wan finally convinced her she had done nothing wrong. The only thing that mattered, he had told her, was Onara had recovered. He had then dismissed her, but not before sending her off with a glowing recommendation.
The rest of the day had passed quickly with Obi-Wan unable to keep himself from Onara for any length of time, wanting to drink in her presence and convince himself she truly was with him and, most importantly, had forgiven him. But, now, as they approached the room in which Ben and Dalan's stasis coffins were housed, he wondered how long her forgiveness would last.
The last time she had seen Ben and Dalan, she told Obi-Wan as they left her chamber, was when Ben had been running away as Lursan attacked her and when she, angrily, ordered Dalan to leave their apartment after their argument.
"Not terribly happy memories to remember them by," she had sadly remarked, her voice full of tears.
Obi-Wan's throat tightened as they drew closer to the room. He looked over at Onara. She was wearing a simple ivory gown, since white was the traditional color of mourning on Ahjane. Her dark hair was in a long braid which snaked down her back, a white ribbon interwoven among the ebony strands. She looked up at him, feeling his gaze on hers, and he could see she was aware of how much he was afraid that seeing the bodies of her son and husband would prove too much for her.
Onara struggled to give him a reassuring smile, but her dark eyes betrayed her. They were full of pain and apprehension. Obi-Wan stopped walking and put his hands on her shoulders.
"You don't have to do this, Onara."
She shook her head. "I must, Obi-Wan. I want to see them. I have to see them."
Obi-Wan released a deep breath. He took her arm again and led her towards the large double doors. Two male servants stood in front of them, also dressed in white. Now that Onara had awaken, the official week of mourning had begun and everyone, including Obi-Wan, wore white or a white armband if duties about the manor made wearing white a difficulty. The two servants standing honor guard before the doors were both elderly, but hale of spirit and body, and had served Onara's family for years. Therefore they had been given this place of honor. They bowed deeply.
"Milady," both said.
Onara nodded at them, but Obi-Wan could see she found it difficult to speak. The servants opened the doors. She hesitated, and Obi-Wan was tempted to take her away, but he felt her move forward and he, pressing her arm against his side, accompanied her.
The room in which the stasis coffins lay was one of two large drawing rooms on the ground floor. Inside were dozens and dozens of gold and silver candle-holders and the candles, their orange-yellow flames flickering among the soft shadows in the room, were the only source of illumination.
Obi-Wan, while Onara was unconscious, had come into this room every day, so he was quite familiar with it. The old paintings, the ornate, antique furniture, the huge, wide windows over which heavy, violet drapes had been drawn. And the stasis coffins.
Both lay in the center of the room, one large, one considerably smaller. Onara drew in a hard, sharp breath. Obi-Wan put his arm around her shoulders. She was trembling now. He gripped her tighter and slowly led her over to the coffins, but he let her guide him as to which one she wanted to go to first. She moved towards Ben's.
The stasis coffins were both made of durasteel. Inside was a stasis field that prevented decomposition. On the side of the coffins were small control pads that activated and maintained the stasis fields and raised and lowered the lids. Onara stopped before Ben's small coffin. She gazed down at it, her face so pale and still she looked like a ghostly, but beautiful statute.
"It's ugly," she said, her voice so low Obi-Wan could barely hear her.
Obi-Wan nodded. "It's only temporary. We'll transfer them to the ones Simtro and I purchased for the funeral."
Onara reached out with a hand that visibly shook. She placed it on the top of the coffin. "It's cold, so cold," and her voice broke.
Obi-Wan placed his hand over hers. Her hand was now as cold as the coffin lid.
"I want to see him."
"Onara, perhaps it would be best if you---"
"I want to see him, Obi-Wan." She turned and looked up at him, her dark eyes beseeching him. "Please."
Obi-Wan stared down at her, the fear like a fist around his heart. What would happen when she finally looked upon the face of her dead child, but he also knew she had a right to see Ben. He could not deny her that. He nodded and removed his hand from hers. Pressing the buttons on the control pad, he deactivated the stasis field. Once it was off, he pressed the control that opened the coffin. The lid slowly rose. Obi-Wan's stomach clenched, waves of pain pulsing through him as he looked upon the body of his son. Next to him, Onara gasped.
He quickly put his arm around her shoulder. She reached down, her trembling hand slowly moving towards Ben's face. Then, just as the tips of her fingers touched his cheek, she collapsed and fell on her knees, weeping beside the coffin.
"Oh, gods, no, no, I can't! I can't!"
Obi-Wan knelt down and drew Onara into his arms. Deep, shuddering sobs racked her body. He held her tighter, his own eyes filling with tears.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, I'm sorry," she wept against his chest. "I can't live without him. I can't!"
"Please, Onara," he begged her. "You must live, you must."
"I don't want to live! Not without Ben! Not without my darling."
Obi-Wan stroked her hair, his lips moving across her cheeks. "I know, love. I know."
Onara continued to weep uncontrollably, her hands, where they were clasped on his back, fisting his tunic, her tears soaking the fabric, and Obi-Wan feared, once again, he was going to lose her. What mother could bear the loss of a beloved child, and what could he possibly give her that would replace what she had lost? He didn't know, and, feeling himself sinking into despair in the face of his helplessness, he instinctively reached out to the Force.
He had not called upon the Force since the day he had constructed Ben's lightsaber. But he called upon it now, as he had done countless times in his life. He called upon it the way a child calls upon a parent to wipe away his tears, the way a supplicant calls upon a deity to take away his doubts, the way the earth calls upon the sun to nurture it and help bring forth life. Obi-Wan called upon the Force with all the love he had for Onara, for Ben, and for everyone who had ever touched his life, and he channeled the Force to Onara, the way he had done that day in the holo- arboretum.
He wrapped the Force around her, filled her up with it, poured it into her; the warmth and the cold, the darkness and the light, the fire and the ice, the pain and the joy. He opened himself to the Force and gave its power and its warmth to her, let her see that as much as he too mourned Ben's passing, as much as he understood and shared her grief, he wanted her to live, he needed her to live. Not just for him, but for Ben. As long as they both lived, Ben would never truly be dead, for he had been the sum total of their love for each other. And, finally, he shared with her through the Force the vision of that little girl he'd had some months back. The girl he believed was their daughter.
Onara drew away from him and looked up at him, her eyes, through their tears, full of wonder.
"Our daughter?" she whispered.
Obi-Wan nodded, taking her hand and gripping it tightly. "Don't leave me, Onara, please, don't leave me."
She stared at him for a long moment. "I won't," she finally said. "I promise I won't leave you."
Obi-Wan helped her to her feet. Keeping his arm around her, he watched as she leaned over and kissed Ben's forehead.
"Sleep well, my darling one. We'll meet again. I know we will."
She rose, gently stroking Ben's dark hair. Then she turned and looked over at Obi-Wan. "You...you can close it now."
Obi-Wan did so, watching as the lid slowly lowered. He reactivated the stasis field. Then he looked at Onara. She was staring at Dalan's coffin. She walked towards it, Obi-Wan beside her. Placing her hands on it, she lowered her head and closed her eyes.
"Forgive me, Dalan," she whispered. "And know I also forgive you."
"It wasn't his fault, Onara, the things he did and said."
"It wasn't?"
"After the accident, an autopsy was performed. A drug was discovered in Dalan's body. A drug that was later identified as having the ability to change a person's personality, make him or her more amenable to suggestions and suspicions. Lursan was giving it to him. The drug was found in his penthouse. He was probably slipping it into Dalan's drinks."
Onara slowly nodded. "That would explain a lot. Lursan had given Dalan a bottle of brandy as a gift. He'd been drinking from it the day...I last saw him."
"But he was himself again, Onara. Just as he was when the two of you first married. He was going to take care of you, make up for what he'd done to you and Ben. He told me it didn't matter if you never loved him, he would always love you."
Onara rubbed the top of the coffin. "I wanted to love him, Obi-Wan. I truly did. I tried so hard to love him the way he wanted to be loved."
"I know you did."
"Can I see him?"
Obi-Wan released a heavy breath. He took Onara's hand and held it. "No, love. The accident." Obi-Wan stopped and shook his head. "Remember him the way he was."
Onara looked at him, horror dimming her eyes. Then she slowly nodded. She leaned over and kissed the top of Dalan's coffin. "Goodbye, my husband. Sleep well."
She stepped away from the coffin. Obi-Wan looked at her, the light from the candles flaring and dying in her eyes, casting her pale face, surrounded as it was by her midnight hair, in an ethereal glow that showed both the purity of her grief and the profundity of her love.
"Obi-Wan?"
"Yes, love?"
"I swear to you that never again will I allow anyone to bring harm to a child of mine. No matter what I have to do, no matter what I have to become, no one will ever harm another child of mine again. Will you witness this vow?"
"I witness it."
Onara stared at him, her dark eyes shimmering among the candlelit shadows of the room, then she moved quickly into his arms and he held her, letting her weep once more. He wrapped her this time, not in the power of the Force, but only in his love, which was just as deep and just as great.
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"You made this?" Onara whispered.
Obi-Wan nodded. It was later that night. Obi-Wan had his own chamber in the manor, but had stopped by to say goodnight to Onara and to make sure she was all right. The funerals were scheduled for tomorrow, and, though both knew it would be difficult to sleep, it was important they be as rested as possible. Onara was in her bed. Obi-Wan sat on the side of it.
She slowly ran her fingers over the tiny lightsaber. "Oh, Obi-Wan, it's beautiful."
"I had promised him one. One like mine. "
Onara looked up at him, her dark eyes questioning. "What did he say to you? Please, tell me everything he said."
Obi-Wan told her about his and Ben's last conversation. He left nothing out, not even Ben's observation that Onara could not stand watching his pet voorpak eat.
He was surprised when Onara suddenly laughed, even though tears shimmered in her eyes. "Oh, he was right. My darling was so right. I hated watching that creature eat." She reached over and took Obi-Wan's hand. "I'm so glad you've adopted Ben's pet. It would make him so very happy to know you have."
"And the lightsaber?" he asked, needing to know he had done the right thing in constructing it.
Onara held the lightsaber in her hands, staring down at it. She said nothing for a long moment, then raised her head and gazed tenderly at him.
"I know you loved Ben, Obi-Wan, as much as I did, even though you didn't have the chance to be with him as I had. To watch him grow up, to hear his first words or see him take his first step. But this," and she held Ben's lightsaber close to her heart. "Oh, Obi-Wan, it's a wonderful gesture. Ben wanted a lightsaber so much. Yes, this would make him just as happy too."
Onara reached over and hugged him and, as Obi-Wan held her, he was painfully aware, now that she was no longer in her _yanol_, that being in her chambers at night suggested an intimacy it was best they both avoided for the present. Although Onara was now a widow, Ahjane society was quite traditional, and Obi-Wan wanted to avoid any possibility of charges of impropriety being leveled against her. He knew her servants were loyal, but they were also human and, therefore, inclined to gossip.
He gently pulled away from her. She was in her bed, her long dark hair flowing across her nightgown. Only one small glowlamp illuminated the room, and the windows of the chamber, which were still open to catch the warm night air, brought in the heady scent of honeyroses, bringing back to Obi- Wan heated memories of the only time he and Onara had been intimate. The night of the blessing ceremony.
He looked into her eyes and saw his desire for her reflected in their dark beauty. It would be so easy, he thought. They were alone in her chamber, both free now, he from the Jedi, she from her marriage, both needy for the nearness of another human being and the comfort of a warm body in the approaching hours of the long night. But, even as Obi-Wan longed to take Onara in his arms and lay in her sweet-smelling bed until the sun rose, he also wanted more.
He wanted her to be his wife when next he made love to her.
"I'd better go," he said, moving away from her bed. "We have to get up early tomorrow."
He saw the disappointment in her eyes, then she nodded.
"May I keep the lightsaber with me until tomorrow?"
"Of course," he said, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Good night, love."
"Good night, my darling."
He waited until she placed the lightsaber on the table next to her bed and pulled the covers up over her. He smiled at her, then turned off the glowlamp.
Moving out of her darkened chamber, through the sitting room and out into the corridor, he closed the door behind him, leaning against it. His wife. Would she even agree to such a thing if he ever found the courage to ask her? She'd already been married twice, and widowed both times. Maybe she no longer wished to be married. Or, perhaps the Assembly would want her to marry someone else for the same political reasons she had married Dalan. And, she was now a very wealthy woman. He had nothing to bring to a marriage, penniless as he was.
He closed his eyes. There was, of course, the vision of the child, the little girl he sensed was his and Onara's daughter, but his visions had also been wrong. While on his search for Sinja-Bau he'd had visions of Ben as a young man, the two of them fighting side by side in a war. But, Ben was now dead, and he would never grow up to be that brave young man. Perhaps Obi-Wan's vision of his and Onara's daughter was just as false.
In addition, although he had been expelled from the Jedi Order, he was, as Onara had so wisely observed, still a Jedi. The Force still spoke to him, though now, if he chose to follow it, it would be at his own choosing and not governed by the dictates of the Jedi Council. Would it be right to ask Onara to be his wife, not knowing what destiny the Force still had planned for him? Obi-Wan sighed. Too many questions. First things first, he told himself. Tomorrow, he had to bury his son.
He moved away from Onara's door and made his way towards his chamber.
To be contniued...
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Onara clung to Obi-Wan's arm as they walked slowly down the wide corridor, her body shivering against his. The moment he had feared had finally arrived. It was early evening of the day Onara had awoken from her _yanol_. Although she had expressed a wish to see Ben and Dalan, Obi-Wan had sensed that as much as she wanted to see them, she also dreaded it.
After her awakening, Onara had bathed, had breakfast, greeted Simtro and the other servants, then spent a few moments alone talking with Auna. When the Cordu-Ji woman left Onara's chamber, she had only smiled slyly at Obi- Wan as she passed him where he had been waiting outside.
Then, Obi-Wan had had to spend at least an hour calming down Malica, Onara's nurse, who had convinced herself she had been negligent in her duties in having left Onara with Auna. Obi-Wan finally convinced her she had done nothing wrong. The only thing that mattered, he had told her, was Onara had recovered. He had then dismissed her, but not before sending her off with a glowing recommendation.
The rest of the day had passed quickly with Obi-Wan unable to keep himself from Onara for any length of time, wanting to drink in her presence and convince himself she truly was with him and, most importantly, had forgiven him. But, now, as they approached the room in which Ben and Dalan's stasis coffins were housed, he wondered how long her forgiveness would last.
The last time she had seen Ben and Dalan, she told Obi-Wan as they left her chamber, was when Ben had been running away as Lursan attacked her and when she, angrily, ordered Dalan to leave their apartment after their argument.
"Not terribly happy memories to remember them by," she had sadly remarked, her voice full of tears.
Obi-Wan's throat tightened as they drew closer to the room. He looked over at Onara. She was wearing a simple ivory gown, since white was the traditional color of mourning on Ahjane. Her dark hair was in a long braid which snaked down her back, a white ribbon interwoven among the ebony strands. She looked up at him, feeling his gaze on hers, and he could see she was aware of how much he was afraid that seeing the bodies of her son and husband would prove too much for her.
Onara struggled to give him a reassuring smile, but her dark eyes betrayed her. They were full of pain and apprehension. Obi-Wan stopped walking and put his hands on her shoulders.
"You don't have to do this, Onara."
She shook her head. "I must, Obi-Wan. I want to see them. I have to see them."
Obi-Wan released a deep breath. He took her arm again and led her towards the large double doors. Two male servants stood in front of them, also dressed in white. Now that Onara had awaken, the official week of mourning had begun and everyone, including Obi-Wan, wore white or a white armband if duties about the manor made wearing white a difficulty. The two servants standing honor guard before the doors were both elderly, but hale of spirit and body, and had served Onara's family for years. Therefore they had been given this place of honor. They bowed deeply.
"Milady," both said.
Onara nodded at them, but Obi-Wan could see she found it difficult to speak. The servants opened the doors. She hesitated, and Obi-Wan was tempted to take her away, but he felt her move forward and he, pressing her arm against his side, accompanied her.
The room in which the stasis coffins lay was one of two large drawing rooms on the ground floor. Inside were dozens and dozens of gold and silver candle-holders and the candles, their orange-yellow flames flickering among the soft shadows in the room, were the only source of illumination.
Obi-Wan, while Onara was unconscious, had come into this room every day, so he was quite familiar with it. The old paintings, the ornate, antique furniture, the huge, wide windows over which heavy, violet drapes had been drawn. And the stasis coffins.
Both lay in the center of the room, one large, one considerably smaller. Onara drew in a hard, sharp breath. Obi-Wan put his arm around her shoulders. She was trembling now. He gripped her tighter and slowly led her over to the coffins, but he let her guide him as to which one she wanted to go to first. She moved towards Ben's.
The stasis coffins were both made of durasteel. Inside was a stasis field that prevented decomposition. On the side of the coffins were small control pads that activated and maintained the stasis fields and raised and lowered the lids. Onara stopped before Ben's small coffin. She gazed down at it, her face so pale and still she looked like a ghostly, but beautiful statute.
"It's ugly," she said, her voice so low Obi-Wan could barely hear her.
Obi-Wan nodded. "It's only temporary. We'll transfer them to the ones Simtro and I purchased for the funeral."
Onara reached out with a hand that visibly shook. She placed it on the top of the coffin. "It's cold, so cold," and her voice broke.
Obi-Wan placed his hand over hers. Her hand was now as cold as the coffin lid.
"I want to see him."
"Onara, perhaps it would be best if you---"
"I want to see him, Obi-Wan." She turned and looked up at him, her dark eyes beseeching him. "Please."
Obi-Wan stared down at her, the fear like a fist around his heart. What would happen when she finally looked upon the face of her dead child, but he also knew she had a right to see Ben. He could not deny her that. He nodded and removed his hand from hers. Pressing the buttons on the control pad, he deactivated the stasis field. Once it was off, he pressed the control that opened the coffin. The lid slowly rose. Obi-Wan's stomach clenched, waves of pain pulsing through him as he looked upon the body of his son. Next to him, Onara gasped.
He quickly put his arm around her shoulder. She reached down, her trembling hand slowly moving towards Ben's face. Then, just as the tips of her fingers touched his cheek, she collapsed and fell on her knees, weeping beside the coffin.
"Oh, gods, no, no, I can't! I can't!"
Obi-Wan knelt down and drew Onara into his arms. Deep, shuddering sobs racked her body. He held her tighter, his own eyes filling with tears.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, I'm sorry," she wept against his chest. "I can't live without him. I can't!"
"Please, Onara," he begged her. "You must live, you must."
"I don't want to live! Not without Ben! Not without my darling."
Obi-Wan stroked her hair, his lips moving across her cheeks. "I know, love. I know."
Onara continued to weep uncontrollably, her hands, where they were clasped on his back, fisting his tunic, her tears soaking the fabric, and Obi-Wan feared, once again, he was going to lose her. What mother could bear the loss of a beloved child, and what could he possibly give her that would replace what she had lost? He didn't know, and, feeling himself sinking into despair in the face of his helplessness, he instinctively reached out to the Force.
He had not called upon the Force since the day he had constructed Ben's lightsaber. But he called upon it now, as he had done countless times in his life. He called upon it the way a child calls upon a parent to wipe away his tears, the way a supplicant calls upon a deity to take away his doubts, the way the earth calls upon the sun to nurture it and help bring forth life. Obi-Wan called upon the Force with all the love he had for Onara, for Ben, and for everyone who had ever touched his life, and he channeled the Force to Onara, the way he had done that day in the holo- arboretum.
He wrapped the Force around her, filled her up with it, poured it into her; the warmth and the cold, the darkness and the light, the fire and the ice, the pain and the joy. He opened himself to the Force and gave its power and its warmth to her, let her see that as much as he too mourned Ben's passing, as much as he understood and shared her grief, he wanted her to live, he needed her to live. Not just for him, but for Ben. As long as they both lived, Ben would never truly be dead, for he had been the sum total of their love for each other. And, finally, he shared with her through the Force the vision of that little girl he'd had some months back. The girl he believed was their daughter.
Onara drew away from him and looked up at him, her eyes, through their tears, full of wonder.
"Our daughter?" she whispered.
Obi-Wan nodded, taking her hand and gripping it tightly. "Don't leave me, Onara, please, don't leave me."
She stared at him for a long moment. "I won't," she finally said. "I promise I won't leave you."
Obi-Wan helped her to her feet. Keeping his arm around her, he watched as she leaned over and kissed Ben's forehead.
"Sleep well, my darling one. We'll meet again. I know we will."
She rose, gently stroking Ben's dark hair. Then she turned and looked over at Obi-Wan. "You...you can close it now."
Obi-Wan did so, watching as the lid slowly lowered. He reactivated the stasis field. Then he looked at Onara. She was staring at Dalan's coffin. She walked towards it, Obi-Wan beside her. Placing her hands on it, she lowered her head and closed her eyes.
"Forgive me, Dalan," she whispered. "And know I also forgive you."
"It wasn't his fault, Onara, the things he did and said."
"It wasn't?"
"After the accident, an autopsy was performed. A drug was discovered in Dalan's body. A drug that was later identified as having the ability to change a person's personality, make him or her more amenable to suggestions and suspicions. Lursan was giving it to him. The drug was found in his penthouse. He was probably slipping it into Dalan's drinks."
Onara slowly nodded. "That would explain a lot. Lursan had given Dalan a bottle of brandy as a gift. He'd been drinking from it the day...I last saw him."
"But he was himself again, Onara. Just as he was when the two of you first married. He was going to take care of you, make up for what he'd done to you and Ben. He told me it didn't matter if you never loved him, he would always love you."
Onara rubbed the top of the coffin. "I wanted to love him, Obi-Wan. I truly did. I tried so hard to love him the way he wanted to be loved."
"I know you did."
"Can I see him?"
Obi-Wan released a heavy breath. He took Onara's hand and held it. "No, love. The accident." Obi-Wan stopped and shook his head. "Remember him the way he was."
Onara looked at him, horror dimming her eyes. Then she slowly nodded. She leaned over and kissed the top of Dalan's coffin. "Goodbye, my husband. Sleep well."
She stepped away from the coffin. Obi-Wan looked at her, the light from the candles flaring and dying in her eyes, casting her pale face, surrounded as it was by her midnight hair, in an ethereal glow that showed both the purity of her grief and the profundity of her love.
"Obi-Wan?"
"Yes, love?"
"I swear to you that never again will I allow anyone to bring harm to a child of mine. No matter what I have to do, no matter what I have to become, no one will ever harm another child of mine again. Will you witness this vow?"
"I witness it."
Onara stared at him, her dark eyes shimmering among the candlelit shadows of the room, then she moved quickly into his arms and he held her, letting her weep once more. He wrapped her this time, not in the power of the Force, but only in his love, which was just as deep and just as great.
-----------
"You made this?" Onara whispered.
Obi-Wan nodded. It was later that night. Obi-Wan had his own chamber in the manor, but had stopped by to say goodnight to Onara and to make sure she was all right. The funerals were scheduled for tomorrow, and, though both knew it would be difficult to sleep, it was important they be as rested as possible. Onara was in her bed. Obi-Wan sat on the side of it.
She slowly ran her fingers over the tiny lightsaber. "Oh, Obi-Wan, it's beautiful."
"I had promised him one. One like mine. "
Onara looked up at him, her dark eyes questioning. "What did he say to you? Please, tell me everything he said."
Obi-Wan told her about his and Ben's last conversation. He left nothing out, not even Ben's observation that Onara could not stand watching his pet voorpak eat.
He was surprised when Onara suddenly laughed, even though tears shimmered in her eyes. "Oh, he was right. My darling was so right. I hated watching that creature eat." She reached over and took Obi-Wan's hand. "I'm so glad you've adopted Ben's pet. It would make him so very happy to know you have."
"And the lightsaber?" he asked, needing to know he had done the right thing in constructing it.
Onara held the lightsaber in her hands, staring down at it. She said nothing for a long moment, then raised her head and gazed tenderly at him.
"I know you loved Ben, Obi-Wan, as much as I did, even though you didn't have the chance to be with him as I had. To watch him grow up, to hear his first words or see him take his first step. But this," and she held Ben's lightsaber close to her heart. "Oh, Obi-Wan, it's a wonderful gesture. Ben wanted a lightsaber so much. Yes, this would make him just as happy too."
Onara reached over and hugged him and, as Obi-Wan held her, he was painfully aware, now that she was no longer in her _yanol_, that being in her chambers at night suggested an intimacy it was best they both avoided for the present. Although Onara was now a widow, Ahjane society was quite traditional, and Obi-Wan wanted to avoid any possibility of charges of impropriety being leveled against her. He knew her servants were loyal, but they were also human and, therefore, inclined to gossip.
He gently pulled away from her. She was in her bed, her long dark hair flowing across her nightgown. Only one small glowlamp illuminated the room, and the windows of the chamber, which were still open to catch the warm night air, brought in the heady scent of honeyroses, bringing back to Obi- Wan heated memories of the only time he and Onara had been intimate. The night of the blessing ceremony.
He looked into her eyes and saw his desire for her reflected in their dark beauty. It would be so easy, he thought. They were alone in her chamber, both free now, he from the Jedi, she from her marriage, both needy for the nearness of another human being and the comfort of a warm body in the approaching hours of the long night. But, even as Obi-Wan longed to take Onara in his arms and lay in her sweet-smelling bed until the sun rose, he also wanted more.
He wanted her to be his wife when next he made love to her.
"I'd better go," he said, moving away from her bed. "We have to get up early tomorrow."
He saw the disappointment in her eyes, then she nodded.
"May I keep the lightsaber with me until tomorrow?"
"Of course," he said, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Good night, love."
"Good night, my darling."
He waited until she placed the lightsaber on the table next to her bed and pulled the covers up over her. He smiled at her, then turned off the glowlamp.
Moving out of her darkened chamber, through the sitting room and out into the corridor, he closed the door behind him, leaning against it. His wife. Would she even agree to such a thing if he ever found the courage to ask her? She'd already been married twice, and widowed both times. Maybe she no longer wished to be married. Or, perhaps the Assembly would want her to marry someone else for the same political reasons she had married Dalan. And, she was now a very wealthy woman. He had nothing to bring to a marriage, penniless as he was.
He closed his eyes. There was, of course, the vision of the child, the little girl he sensed was his and Onara's daughter, but his visions had also been wrong. While on his search for Sinja-Bau he'd had visions of Ben as a young man, the two of them fighting side by side in a war. But, Ben was now dead, and he would never grow up to be that brave young man. Perhaps Obi-Wan's vision of his and Onara's daughter was just as false.
In addition, although he had been expelled from the Jedi Order, he was, as Onara had so wisely observed, still a Jedi. The Force still spoke to him, though now, if he chose to follow it, it would be at his own choosing and not governed by the dictates of the Jedi Council. Would it be right to ask Onara to be his wife, not knowing what destiny the Force still had planned for him? Obi-Wan sighed. Too many questions. First things first, he told himself. Tomorrow, he had to bury his son.
He moved away from Onara's door and made his way towards his chamber.
To be contniued...
