Silver Rings
by Aki Midori
autumn_wind04@yahoo.com
Genre: Drama /Shounen-ai, Yaoi/
Rating: PG
Summary: Glowing under the light of the waning moon were two silver rings, placed atop a solitary table on a certain cold man's room... one of which was waiting to be given to the man he loves. Sequel to Woven Bracelets.
Author's Notes:
Okay... first of all... I'm very sorry for being very unresponsive to all your reviews. I've got lots of things to do, and I just can't find the time even to scribble a quick, but heartfelt thank you.
I have to say that your heartwarming comments about Woven Bracelets were unexpected. It was one of my most serious fics, and I have to say that I spilled my heart into it, but I never thought that the story could evoke that much emotions in the readers. So I'd say thank you to all who read it, and took the time to reward my efforts by taking time to say something about it.
Yep... Woven Bracelets has a very painful ending, so many people requested for a sequel. I decided to write this as a thank you gift to everyone. Many thanks to SGO, who gave me the idea of Rukawa fooling around with Sendoh's computer. Many thanks to Diggler as well, for those nice, comforting words.
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Silver Rings
07 November
Dear Akira,
Stupid idiot, that's what you are.
So many letters, yet none of them have been given to me. Thank heavens I know the password to your computer, lest, I wouldn't even have any inkling as to what's going on in that stupid hentai mind of yours.
Yes, Akira. I've read those letters. Each and every one of them.
And now I decided to give you a dose of your own medicine.
I'm writing, am I not? At your very own laptop, too. Oh well... it's not as if you can bash my face for invading your privacy or something. I have to get this over and done with. Like you, as you wrote those letters to me before, thoughts are spilling from my mind to my fingers, so I have to do this *now*, before I forget them.
So read this and read this well... because I may never have the courage to do this again.
I have so many things to tell you, Akira. So very many things were unsaid between the two of us. And I wonder... if I had the guts to tell you these things before, maybe there wouldn't be any need for heartaches and tears. If only I had been more expressive... if I had been more open... maybe those bad things wouldn't have happened.
But past is past, ne, Akira? Bad things have happened already, so we couldn't do anything about it, anymore, right? I have an inkling that those will be the words that you'll say to me, if you're here. But hey, I'm writing now... so all you gotta do is to read this.
Hold on now, Akira. I have many things to say... and I believe that this'll take you long. Just come with me... and read the things that my heart wants to tell you.
How long has it been, Akira? Nine years, right? We've been together for nine years. Through thick and thin, storm and sunshine, tears and laughters... yes... we've been through it all. And what more could I do at this moment... except to give you my heartfelt gratitude?
Akira, my very best friend... thank you for giving me the best nine years of my life.
Right from that moment... that time when we first met, you did nothing but to bring happiness in my life. You were right about what you wrote in that last letter of yours. Our story started right from the moment when you entered that gym with that goofy smile and lame explanation. Our eyes met...
Then there was us.
I was reluctant at first. After all, I never really had much friends. In fact, before you came along, I had no friends at all. I was cold, distant, and untouchable. I never gave a damn about everyone else. It was just me, my brother, and basketball. I never asked for anything more. I was contented with my life.
But then I met you. And you defeated me in the one game that I loved the most, damn you. I was so mad at you. And you had the nerve to offer your hand after you practically pummeled my pride. I lost to you... what more could you want back then? A handshake? Bullshit. So I did the first thing which came into my mind.
I slapped your hand away.
And I promised to myself that I will beat the hell outta you. I will be better than you. I will be the best player in Japan.
I hated you back then, Akira. But then as I watched you from a distance, I came to admire you... Your fantastic games, the way you supported your team, your quiet dignity, your inner strength. I watched you from the bleachers and found myself wanting to know get to know more about you.
You were my exact opposite. You wore a smile, while I wore a frown. You laugh, while I snort. You boost other people's egos, while I lash out insults. You were someone that I could never be. And for that reason, I was drawn to you. I've learned to respect you for who you are. You were more than just the ace of Ryonan. You were their very special friend.
And yes, Akira... I remember that time when I knocked on your door and challenged you to a one-on-one. Back then, I was so anxious to beat you. After all, you were a hindrance to my ultimate dream. I wanted to be the best in Japan, and in order for me to do so, I have to beat you. Selfish bastard, am I not? But Akira, you never thought of me that way. You just smiled and accepted my challenge. That was one hell of a game, by the way. I was wondering why you were so damn perky during those times. You were so happy, you're getting on my nerves. But nevertheless, Akira, yes, I remember that time when I asked you if someone was better than you are. Stupid you, you told me to watch out for Kitasawa Eiji. Thank heavens I'm such a genius.
It was Sawakita Eiji, you moron.
But anyway, look at me now, sarcastic side kicking again. That was nine years ago... but the memory of it never failed to piss me off... then make me laugh. Silly Akira.
How did it all start, anyway, Akira? You were the one with the better memory. All I remembered was going out with you almost everyday. Doing guy stuff with you. We spent almost everyday together. Quite frankly, I was so happy during those days. I finally found a friend, and I'm so glad it was you. I never knew having a friend could feel that good. Movies, dinner, basketball, guy talks... I cherished them all.
I cherish you.
You changed my life, Akira. My world was so bleak. Everyday, the only sounds I could here were the clanking chains of my bike, the roaring sound of my cd player, the useless nagging of my brother, and the steady thumping of basketball against the floor. But then you came along, and suddenly I could hear laughter and music and... suddenly... I could hear *life*.
You and I became so close, we were like brothers. Remember those times when we've had sleep-overs at my house? You were a regular visitor. My brother became your brother. My house practically became your house. We share many things, we talk about everything, we laugh about everything... blah, blah, blah.
Akira... no matter how many stuff I list down here... it would all come down to one thing.
You make me happy.
My brother used to tease me about it, really. He said he wasn't used to seeing me that happy. He was used to my frown and my stoic expression. But you know what, Akira? He said he was happy that his little brother finally found someone who could make him happy. I never understood what he meant...
...until I noticed those loving looks you were giving me when you thought I wasn't looking. Or those soft touches, or those smiles with so much longing.
Akira... I'm not stupid.
Of course I know how you felt.
But to tell you the truth, back then, I wasn't happy about it.
I hated gays, Akira. You know that.
I never really told you why, right? I'm going to tell you now. After all, I did promise to tell you everything my heart wanted to say, and right now, my heart wanted to tell you nothing but the truth.
Akira, my father was gay.
He left my mom right after she gave birth to me. He was a person who couldn't accept who he really is. He couldn't accept the fact that he's gay, so he married my mother. He made my mother fall in love with him. And then he left her, when reality wouldn't let him run away.
He ran away... and left my mother to work hard for me and my brother. You never knew my mom, because she died at such a young age. But if you knew her, you'd love her. She's just like you. She's always smiling, and she loved me and my brother so much. Everynight, she would tuck me in, and sing beautiful songs about stars and moons. She worked hard to raise me and my brother, made sure there'd always be food on our table, made sure we had the best of everything. We got no help from my father. No news about the bastard. Ah hell... like I'd like to hear from him, anyway. But my mother died of cancer... and left all her money- she made a lot-, to me and my brother. But still, my father never showed up. Not even when we sent him news about our mother's death. My brother had no choice but to raise me.
Stupid, really, how I let my hatred for one man affect my judgement on all others. My hatred had deep roots, so I really couldn't accept your feelings. But one thing's for sure, Akira...
I couldn't bear to lose you.
You were so important to me, Akira. I wouldn't want my irrational hatred against homosexuals destroy our wonderful friendship. I was willing to ignore any feeling you harbor towards me because I don't want to lose you...
I don't want to lose us.
Selfish? No. I just love you too much. I love you as my best friend. As my brother.
It pains me so much to see you in pain. Sometimes, I would just stare at the mirror and ask myself why I couldn't bring myself to love you. I know about your silent sorrow, Akira. And I admire you for having the courage to go on, despite everything. I hated myself because I can't do anything to help ease your pain. I can't do anything, but to continue being your best friend. I just gave you all my time, all my support, and every possible thing that my friendship could offer.
And somehow, I've noticed that it was enough for you.
Thank you, Akira... for understanding my situation back then.
Thank you for being my friend.
And thank you for sticking by my side when I was going through the most painful moments in my life. You were there right beside me when I lost the only family I have left. I remember the pain Akira, and up until now, I could still feel a pang of sorrow whenever I thought of my brother.
I could still remember how mad I was at the world. My brother was the only family I have left. I loved him, idolized him, respected him. He was my only family. And then he had to die. I couldn't understand why all those bad things had to happen to me. After all, I didn't do anything wrong, right? I didn't deserve all those. I was mad back then, Akira. I was so mad, I forgot that you were still with me. You never left my side. You were there to accept every lash, every snap, every blow. You were there to wipe away the tears that I never shed. You were there to lend a hand. I never noticed all your sacrifices, because I was too depressed to think about anything else but the cruelties of life. One thought led to another... and then finally, I realized that I could lose *you*, too.
And then I was so scared.
I knew back then that to lose you would be the most unbearable thing that could happen to me. But then, I was reprimanding myself for letting you get so close to me. I couldn't possibly handle another great loss, so I decided to push you away. I began to hurt you on purpose. Do you have any idea what I was thinking back then? I thought that if I was going to lose you, better let it happen sooner. So I pushed you away...
But Akira... you never left me. You never let go. One night, when I was hanging out on the balcony, thinking of all the horrible things which happened in my life, you just grabbed me from behind and then I felt this unbelievable warmth around me. It scared the hell outta me, really, now that I think about it. I wasn't used to physical contact, and your warmth was something new to me, so I struggled. I struggled, but you wouldn't let go.
"Kaede," you whispered. "I'm your best friend. I'm still here."
And when you said those words, it felt as if a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. 'Stupid me,' I thought. Why should I worry when I have you all along? I was so thankful, Akira, even until now, as I'm playing the scene in my mind. I could remember the desperation I felt when I wriggled out of your embrace, only to face you and hug you close to me. I was so scared of losing my very best friend. I was crying during that time, if I'm not mistaken. I was telling you how sorry I am, and how scared I am of losing you.
But when you told me that you'll never leave me, I knew then and there that you and I will always be together, no matter what happens. And then my tears stopped falling.
The sun rose, and for me, as the dawn approached in all its glory, I knew that it was the start of another story. Our story.
Some time in your sleep, I left and started to walk around the streets of Kanagawa. I needed to sort out my thoughts, my feelings... everything. During those times, I was thinking of your worth to me. You are so very special to me, but I wondered if that was your only role in my life. Were you just my friend? What do I feel for you, anyway? Am I in love with you? Nope. That much, I'm sure of. But I know in my heart that I love you so much, I can't bear to lose you.
So does that mean I'm in love with you?
I didn't have the time to formulate any possible conclusion about my feelings for you, because then and there, these two bracelets suddenly caught my attention. The bracelets were simple, really, just woven bracelets, blue and white in color. Funny, how two cheap bracelets could remind me of *us*. While I was staring through the window, memories of our times together flashed through my eyes.
Those late-night talks, those one-on-one sessions, the dinners we used to share, the movies we used to watch... horror and comedy and sap and yes, even porn, the laughter, the tears, the pro-wrestling-in-the-couch moments... everything.
And instantly, I had this sudden urge to buy those bracelets for us. I wore mine the moment I bought it, and I could still remember my childish excitement as I ran towards my house. You were still there, patiently waiting for me. I just have to smile when I saw you.
My heart felt like bursting as I walked towards you and showed you the bracelet. I didn't say a thing and neither did you. No words were spoken, not even when I gently took your wrist and tied the bracelet around it. I could still remember your smile back then. It was so endearing. I held up my wrist and showed you my own bracelet.
Then there was a silent vow. There was a promise, written in the heart. Friends forever. We're woven together, you and I. And like the blue and white strands of those bracelets, we would never, ever be apart.
I hugged you with all my heart and all my soul. Overwhelming feelings ran through my veins. I was so happy during those moments, I thought my heart would burst.
Yet, I could only say a heart-felt thank you.
And Akira, as much as it was the most poignant moment in your life, it was mine, as well.
But then, now that I think about it, I realized that I forgot to sort out one thing... My feelings for you.
Life pretty much went on from there. Yes, Akira, I remember that. I remember us living together after that moment. I remember our college life. I remember all those study sessions, and Akira... I remember those times when I would hear you cry in the middle of the night.
I would hate myself, then, for being so undecisive.
But then, fate really had to be so cruel to the both of us... because I fell in love with Mitsui. I don't know how it happened. I don't know when, I don't know why. Honestly, all I could remember was spending time with him and admiring him for everything he is. I couldn't stop my heart from loving him, Akira. I couldn't stop, no matter how hard I tried. Those feelings just slapped me in the face, and it was too late when I finally realized it.
You were so hurt back then, weren't you, Akira? I'm so very sorry. I knew all along how much you loved me, yet, I fell in love with another man. And to top it all off, I just have to be the selfish bastard and cry all my anguish to you. Yet, you were so very dear, listening to me with a comforting smile and a loving gaze, whilst deep in your heart, you were crying.
I could still remember the panic I felt when I thought I was going to lose the only friend I've ever had. You changed right in front of my eyes. I was so scared, and all I could think of was that it was I who did that to you. I was hurt as much as you are, Akira. It was so painful for me to watch you imitate those men, when all along, I wanted you to be just the way you are. My Akira. My best friend.
But how could I tell you those things? What right do I have? It was I who brought you all those pain, how could I tell you to stop? How could I tell you that pretending to be someone you're not would never make me fall in love with you? I loved you just the way you are, Akira. You didn't have to change for me.
I could feel your desperation, and it tears me apart. You didn't have to do those for me. And then I realized back then how much you loved me, and how much I've hurt you. But that madness had to stop.
All the pain and anguish I felt, combined with your own pain, gave me the power to hit you over and over again. You were so lost in your pitiful world, you couldn't even hear my plea. I wanted you to come back. I wanted you to be my Akira once again. I just hit you over and over and over again, until I didn't have any more strength left.
I could clearly remember myself crawling towards your battered body, then gathering you in my arms and rocking you over and over again as I pleaded for you to come back. I pleaded and pleaded, but you didn't listen. I was so desperate. And then I couldn't stop that one tear from falling.
"Sorry... so sorry," I could remember myself whispering. I myself was lost in my own world during those times.
And I can still remember the happiness I felt when you reached up and touched my face. You were smiling. I was so happy.
You were back.
And, like you, as you reached up to hug me, I also saw the bracelet... and then I have to smile.
See, Akira? I told you we were woven together. Just like the bracelets. Nothing could tear us apart.
However, you were right in that last letter.
So many things have changed, yet nothing has been really settled between us. We never talked about that incident, nor of your feelings, nor of my feelings. We just went on with our woven lives.
But I just have to tell you this right now. Okay... just let me take a deep breath. Whew. Done. I have to get this over and done with.
Akira...
The day was 11th of July. That same date when you wrote me your last letter.
That morning, I woke up...
... And saw the worn-out bracelet.
Once again, our woven lives flashed by right in front of my eyes.
And then I realized how stupid I have been...
... for not realizing earlier... how much I *love* you.
All those times, I've been in love with you as well, yet, I was too stupid, too vague, too oblivious to realize it. Why else do I get this scary feeling at the thought of you leaving me? Why else were you so damn important to me, that I was willing to ignore any ill feeling I have towards gays, just to have you near me? Why else couldn't I bear the thought of losing you?
It was because I love you as much as you love me.
Damn, Akira, *stupid* is too kind a word to describe me. If only I've realized my feelings for you earlier, then there wouldn't even be any need for tears and pain.
So that morning, as I got out of my bed, I vowed that I would make it all up to you. I would make up for all those tears and sorrow. I would make you the happiest man in the world.
As I remember correctly, I quietly went out of the house. I could still hear you typing away in your laptop as I closed the door. I walked out, breathed in the fresh morning air, and walked towards my destination with a smile.
That day, I bought two rings for us.
Two silver rings... which would symbolize our love... which would go on and on and on... towards eternity.
That day, I was going to-
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*Ring!*
Darn it! Who the hell could that be? I'm pouring out my heart and soul into this letter, dammit.
*Ring!* *Ring!*
Alright, alright, already! I'm coming!
"Hello," I snapped into the receiver. The man in the other line actually cackled.
"Oi... kitsune, so grumpy, aren't you?"
What the hell... it's the do'aho. "What do you want, ahou?"
"Uh... nothing, really," he replied, his tone serious all of a sudden. "I just want to check up on Smiley. How's he doing, by the way?"
Pain shot through my entire body, and went straight to my tired, battered heart. I couldn't speak, not anymore.
"Kitsune?"
"He's still in a coma, Hanamichi," I said in the barest of whispers.
"But it's gonna be four months already," Hanamichi pointed out. "When will he wake up? What did the doctors say?"
"The doctors said it's pretty much up to Akira," I replied.
"Well then, how are you doing?" Hanamichi asked.
"I'm doing fine," was my simple reply. I really couldn't say much. Everytime I think about the accident, my heart clenches so tight, I couldn't breathe. "Listen, Hana. I gotta go. I'm doing fine, and I'm pretty sure Akira will wake up soon. Thanks for calling."
"Okay," Hanamichi said. I was about to hang up the phone when I heard him talk again. "Oi... kitsune. Remember that we're your friends too, okay? Just give anyone of us a call when you need something, okay?"
"Okay. Thank you, Hanamichi."
"It's alright. Bye."
"Bye."
I hang up the phone with a heavy feeling. Hanamichi was right. It's been four months since the accident... four months since that fateful night, when Akira was accidentally hit by a car.
I practically dragged my feet towards my room. This is too much for me. My heart clenched again when two glittering rings caught my attention. The moon's full tonight, and it casted a soft glow on my room. The rings are there, on top of my table. On July 11th, whenever I thought of those rings, I would smile and think of the wonderful years ahead of me and Akira.
But now, looking at the rings always make me want to cry.
I walked over to the rings and touched the one with Akira's name on it. Tears welled up in my eyes as the event of that cruel night once again played itself in my mind...
...
"Hey, buddy, are you done yet?"
...
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"Hey, Akira," I whispered as I walked into his room. There he was, quietly laying on his bed, tubes all over his body, yet on his face was a peaceful expression. "How are you doing, pal?"
No answer.
"I was writing you a letter, you know. Sorry if I'm fooling around with your laptop again. Oh, yeah. Before I forget, I have a confession to make."
No answer.
"I was fooling around in your laptop last week when I came across this folder which I've never seen before. You know... the one named 'Letters to Kaede' folder? Well, I opened that folder and read every single file in it. You know what, Akira? My favorite letter was the one you wrote on July 11th. I could practically hear you talking to me, you know. And it was good... remembering all those times... how you and I met, how you fell in love with me... how you felt when oniichan died... how you felt when I fell for Mitsui. It was on that letter, where you first wrote of your feelings for me, too. The other letters were great, too. Some of them made me laugh, some made me cry, but none of them evoked as much feelings as your last letter did.
"And then earlier, I had this sudden urge to write you a letter. I poured out everything into that letter, and wrote there the things I've never told you before. Too bad that stupid Hanamichi called and broke my momentum. Now I just want to talk to you..."
I sat down on the chair beside Akira's bed and held his cold hand in mine.
"I love you," I whispered, hoping that my words could reach him. "It's been very painful to me to go on without you. I could still remember that night as if it only happened yesterday. A part of me died when you were hit by that stupid car. There was blood all over, and everything happened so fast. I was so scared, Akira... I thought I was going to lose you. Do you know what I was thinking back then? Back when I was holding you in my arms when we're on our way to the hospital?"
No answer.
"I was thinking of how unfair life could be. That was the very day when I realized my true feelings for you, and that was the very day when you wrote that very special letter. And I was also thinking that if you're going to die, then by god, I'm going to die with you.
"I couldn't live without you."
Tears suddenly welled up in my eyes, threatening to fall, but I kept them at bay. I told myself that I'm going to be strong for both Akira and me. Akira had always been strong. He kept on living his life, even when he was crying inside because he thought I could never love him back. He was so very brave, facing each brand new day with a smile. And right now's my turn to be brave.
Akira needs me now. He needs to hear my voice every so often. It's been four months since the accident, and for four months, not once has he moved. He's in a coma, and the doctor said he might not wake up at all...
...But I have to be strong. I have faith in Akira.
"I have faith in you," I whispered. "You said you'd never leave me, right? You said you'd be waiting for that day when I've come to accept you, body, heart and soul. The day has arrived, Akira... but you left. I'm sure you'll come back, though. You'll come back for me, right? I still have to make it up to you."
I kissed Akira's cold hand and held it to my face. This would be one of those nights, where I would talk and talk until dawn. This would be one of those nights where I would so desperately try to wake him up, yet, never succeed. This would be another one of those nights where I would try so hard to be strong, yet, cry in the end...
... for the loss...
... for the pain...
... for the tears...
... for the things that could have been...
... for the things that would never be, if he won't open his eyes...
"Please, Akira," I begged, tears now falling freely from my eyes, "please wake up. I love you so much. I'm sorry for the lost time. I'm sorry for everything. I'm going to make it up to you... if you'd just open your eyes.
"I'm so tired, Akira. I'm losing all my hopes. When are you going to come back? You promised, goddamn you! You promised that you'll never leave me! Why did you have to cross that stupid street at the wrong time? Stupid idiot, that's what you are. You told me that you'd wait for the day where I'm going to accept your feelings. I already did, but where are you now? Spending time in lala-land, aren't you? Come back to me now, Akira. I love you."
Yet I know... that he wouldn't.
Couldn't.
And it's all very painful for me.
"Akira... Akira, I bought two silver rings for us. I had them engrave our names in it. Those rings would be the symbols of our love, just as the woven bracelets have remained symbols of our friendship. Open your eyes, Akira, so I could give you your ring...
"...So we could start another story."
Akira remained still. When it was too much for me, I pulled away from him and walked out of his room. I walked straight towards his workroom and sat down infront of his laptop.
I'm going to continue writing the letter.
------------------------
...
That day, I bought two rings for us.
Two silver rings... which would symbolize our love... which would go on and on and on... towards eternity.
That day, I was going to propose to you.
I'm going to ask you to marry me.
We'd go start a new story... if you'd still accept me despite everything I've put you through. We're going to start a new life... just you and me.
I love you, Akira, though at times it doesn't seem so.
I love you with all my heart and all my soul.
I'm willing to accept you now, and if you'd just open your eyes, we would talk about everything. We'd talk about everything that happened... about what we were before and about what we have become. You could tell me about how you really feel, and I, in turn, would tell you how *I* feel.
We're going to stay together forever.
I love you.
With all my love,
Kaede
----------------------
I closed the laptop and wiped away my tears. At loss of what to do, I decided to check on the rings again.
And sure enough, there they were, glowing under the light of the waning moon.
They aren't supposed to be on top of the table.
Someday soon, I'm going to slip one of these in Akira's finger. I'd kneel in front of him and ask him to marry me.
And then the wounds would be healed.
The pain would all be gone.
And it would just be me... and my Akira.
I'm not in a hurry.
Our lives are woven together.
Just like the two colors of the bracelets.
And our story would go on and on... forever.
As symbolized by these two silver rings.
We'll be together forever.
...
"Ka-ede," I heard a faint, distant call.
Tears welled up in my eyes once again. My heart started to beat furiously. My knees went limp.
That voice...
"Akira..."
And there he was, lying on the bed, looking at me with a soft, loving smile...
... and I dropped the rings altogether...
*******
o.wa.ri
*******
Again, this fic is for all the writers in the world. Let us not forget that one of our main goals, if not the main goal itself, is to bring smiles in people's faces all over the world.
31 May 2003
Revised: 16 August 2003
www.geocities.com/rusen_0hour
by Aki Midori
autumn_wind04@yahoo.com
Genre: Drama /Shounen-ai, Yaoi/
Rating: PG
Summary: Glowing under the light of the waning moon were two silver rings, placed atop a solitary table on a certain cold man's room... one of which was waiting to be given to the man he loves. Sequel to Woven Bracelets.
Author's Notes:
Okay... first of all... I'm very sorry for being very unresponsive to all your reviews. I've got lots of things to do, and I just can't find the time even to scribble a quick, but heartfelt thank you.
I have to say that your heartwarming comments about Woven Bracelets were unexpected. It was one of my most serious fics, and I have to say that I spilled my heart into it, but I never thought that the story could evoke that much emotions in the readers. So I'd say thank you to all who read it, and took the time to reward my efforts by taking time to say something about it.
Yep... Woven Bracelets has a very painful ending, so many people requested for a sequel. I decided to write this as a thank you gift to everyone. Many thanks to SGO, who gave me the idea of Rukawa fooling around with Sendoh's computer. Many thanks to Diggler as well, for those nice, comforting words.
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Silver Rings
07 November
Dear Akira,
Stupid idiot, that's what you are.
So many letters, yet none of them have been given to me. Thank heavens I know the password to your computer, lest, I wouldn't even have any inkling as to what's going on in that stupid hentai mind of yours.
Yes, Akira. I've read those letters. Each and every one of them.
And now I decided to give you a dose of your own medicine.
I'm writing, am I not? At your very own laptop, too. Oh well... it's not as if you can bash my face for invading your privacy or something. I have to get this over and done with. Like you, as you wrote those letters to me before, thoughts are spilling from my mind to my fingers, so I have to do this *now*, before I forget them.
So read this and read this well... because I may never have the courage to do this again.
I have so many things to tell you, Akira. So very many things were unsaid between the two of us. And I wonder... if I had the guts to tell you these things before, maybe there wouldn't be any need for heartaches and tears. If only I had been more expressive... if I had been more open... maybe those bad things wouldn't have happened.
But past is past, ne, Akira? Bad things have happened already, so we couldn't do anything about it, anymore, right? I have an inkling that those will be the words that you'll say to me, if you're here. But hey, I'm writing now... so all you gotta do is to read this.
Hold on now, Akira. I have many things to say... and I believe that this'll take you long. Just come with me... and read the things that my heart wants to tell you.
How long has it been, Akira? Nine years, right? We've been together for nine years. Through thick and thin, storm and sunshine, tears and laughters... yes... we've been through it all. And what more could I do at this moment... except to give you my heartfelt gratitude?
Akira, my very best friend... thank you for giving me the best nine years of my life.
Right from that moment... that time when we first met, you did nothing but to bring happiness in my life. You were right about what you wrote in that last letter of yours. Our story started right from the moment when you entered that gym with that goofy smile and lame explanation. Our eyes met...
Then there was us.
I was reluctant at first. After all, I never really had much friends. In fact, before you came along, I had no friends at all. I was cold, distant, and untouchable. I never gave a damn about everyone else. It was just me, my brother, and basketball. I never asked for anything more. I was contented with my life.
But then I met you. And you defeated me in the one game that I loved the most, damn you. I was so mad at you. And you had the nerve to offer your hand after you practically pummeled my pride. I lost to you... what more could you want back then? A handshake? Bullshit. So I did the first thing which came into my mind.
I slapped your hand away.
And I promised to myself that I will beat the hell outta you. I will be better than you. I will be the best player in Japan.
I hated you back then, Akira. But then as I watched you from a distance, I came to admire you... Your fantastic games, the way you supported your team, your quiet dignity, your inner strength. I watched you from the bleachers and found myself wanting to know get to know more about you.
You were my exact opposite. You wore a smile, while I wore a frown. You laugh, while I snort. You boost other people's egos, while I lash out insults. You were someone that I could never be. And for that reason, I was drawn to you. I've learned to respect you for who you are. You were more than just the ace of Ryonan. You were their very special friend.
And yes, Akira... I remember that time when I knocked on your door and challenged you to a one-on-one. Back then, I was so anxious to beat you. After all, you were a hindrance to my ultimate dream. I wanted to be the best in Japan, and in order for me to do so, I have to beat you. Selfish bastard, am I not? But Akira, you never thought of me that way. You just smiled and accepted my challenge. That was one hell of a game, by the way. I was wondering why you were so damn perky during those times. You were so happy, you're getting on my nerves. But nevertheless, Akira, yes, I remember that time when I asked you if someone was better than you are. Stupid you, you told me to watch out for Kitasawa Eiji. Thank heavens I'm such a genius.
It was Sawakita Eiji, you moron.
But anyway, look at me now, sarcastic side kicking again. That was nine years ago... but the memory of it never failed to piss me off... then make me laugh. Silly Akira.
How did it all start, anyway, Akira? You were the one with the better memory. All I remembered was going out with you almost everyday. Doing guy stuff with you. We spent almost everyday together. Quite frankly, I was so happy during those days. I finally found a friend, and I'm so glad it was you. I never knew having a friend could feel that good. Movies, dinner, basketball, guy talks... I cherished them all.
I cherish you.
You changed my life, Akira. My world was so bleak. Everyday, the only sounds I could here were the clanking chains of my bike, the roaring sound of my cd player, the useless nagging of my brother, and the steady thumping of basketball against the floor. But then you came along, and suddenly I could hear laughter and music and... suddenly... I could hear *life*.
You and I became so close, we were like brothers. Remember those times when we've had sleep-overs at my house? You were a regular visitor. My brother became your brother. My house practically became your house. We share many things, we talk about everything, we laugh about everything... blah, blah, blah.
Akira... no matter how many stuff I list down here... it would all come down to one thing.
You make me happy.
My brother used to tease me about it, really. He said he wasn't used to seeing me that happy. He was used to my frown and my stoic expression. But you know what, Akira? He said he was happy that his little brother finally found someone who could make him happy. I never understood what he meant...
...until I noticed those loving looks you were giving me when you thought I wasn't looking. Or those soft touches, or those smiles with so much longing.
Akira... I'm not stupid.
Of course I know how you felt.
But to tell you the truth, back then, I wasn't happy about it.
I hated gays, Akira. You know that.
I never really told you why, right? I'm going to tell you now. After all, I did promise to tell you everything my heart wanted to say, and right now, my heart wanted to tell you nothing but the truth.
Akira, my father was gay.
He left my mom right after she gave birth to me. He was a person who couldn't accept who he really is. He couldn't accept the fact that he's gay, so he married my mother. He made my mother fall in love with him. And then he left her, when reality wouldn't let him run away.
He ran away... and left my mother to work hard for me and my brother. You never knew my mom, because she died at such a young age. But if you knew her, you'd love her. She's just like you. She's always smiling, and she loved me and my brother so much. Everynight, she would tuck me in, and sing beautiful songs about stars and moons. She worked hard to raise me and my brother, made sure there'd always be food on our table, made sure we had the best of everything. We got no help from my father. No news about the bastard. Ah hell... like I'd like to hear from him, anyway. But my mother died of cancer... and left all her money- she made a lot-, to me and my brother. But still, my father never showed up. Not even when we sent him news about our mother's death. My brother had no choice but to raise me.
Stupid, really, how I let my hatred for one man affect my judgement on all others. My hatred had deep roots, so I really couldn't accept your feelings. But one thing's for sure, Akira...
I couldn't bear to lose you.
You were so important to me, Akira. I wouldn't want my irrational hatred against homosexuals destroy our wonderful friendship. I was willing to ignore any feeling you harbor towards me because I don't want to lose you...
I don't want to lose us.
Selfish? No. I just love you too much. I love you as my best friend. As my brother.
It pains me so much to see you in pain. Sometimes, I would just stare at the mirror and ask myself why I couldn't bring myself to love you. I know about your silent sorrow, Akira. And I admire you for having the courage to go on, despite everything. I hated myself because I can't do anything to help ease your pain. I can't do anything, but to continue being your best friend. I just gave you all my time, all my support, and every possible thing that my friendship could offer.
And somehow, I've noticed that it was enough for you.
Thank you, Akira... for understanding my situation back then.
Thank you for being my friend.
And thank you for sticking by my side when I was going through the most painful moments in my life. You were there right beside me when I lost the only family I have left. I remember the pain Akira, and up until now, I could still feel a pang of sorrow whenever I thought of my brother.
I could still remember how mad I was at the world. My brother was the only family I have left. I loved him, idolized him, respected him. He was my only family. And then he had to die. I couldn't understand why all those bad things had to happen to me. After all, I didn't do anything wrong, right? I didn't deserve all those. I was mad back then, Akira. I was so mad, I forgot that you were still with me. You never left my side. You were there to accept every lash, every snap, every blow. You were there to wipe away the tears that I never shed. You were there to lend a hand. I never noticed all your sacrifices, because I was too depressed to think about anything else but the cruelties of life. One thought led to another... and then finally, I realized that I could lose *you*, too.
And then I was so scared.
I knew back then that to lose you would be the most unbearable thing that could happen to me. But then, I was reprimanding myself for letting you get so close to me. I couldn't possibly handle another great loss, so I decided to push you away. I began to hurt you on purpose. Do you have any idea what I was thinking back then? I thought that if I was going to lose you, better let it happen sooner. So I pushed you away...
But Akira... you never left me. You never let go. One night, when I was hanging out on the balcony, thinking of all the horrible things which happened in my life, you just grabbed me from behind and then I felt this unbelievable warmth around me. It scared the hell outta me, really, now that I think about it. I wasn't used to physical contact, and your warmth was something new to me, so I struggled. I struggled, but you wouldn't let go.
"Kaede," you whispered. "I'm your best friend. I'm still here."
And when you said those words, it felt as if a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. 'Stupid me,' I thought. Why should I worry when I have you all along? I was so thankful, Akira, even until now, as I'm playing the scene in my mind. I could remember the desperation I felt when I wriggled out of your embrace, only to face you and hug you close to me. I was so scared of losing my very best friend. I was crying during that time, if I'm not mistaken. I was telling you how sorry I am, and how scared I am of losing you.
But when you told me that you'll never leave me, I knew then and there that you and I will always be together, no matter what happens. And then my tears stopped falling.
The sun rose, and for me, as the dawn approached in all its glory, I knew that it was the start of another story. Our story.
Some time in your sleep, I left and started to walk around the streets of Kanagawa. I needed to sort out my thoughts, my feelings... everything. During those times, I was thinking of your worth to me. You are so very special to me, but I wondered if that was your only role in my life. Were you just my friend? What do I feel for you, anyway? Am I in love with you? Nope. That much, I'm sure of. But I know in my heart that I love you so much, I can't bear to lose you.
So does that mean I'm in love with you?
I didn't have the time to formulate any possible conclusion about my feelings for you, because then and there, these two bracelets suddenly caught my attention. The bracelets were simple, really, just woven bracelets, blue and white in color. Funny, how two cheap bracelets could remind me of *us*. While I was staring through the window, memories of our times together flashed through my eyes.
Those late-night talks, those one-on-one sessions, the dinners we used to share, the movies we used to watch... horror and comedy and sap and yes, even porn, the laughter, the tears, the pro-wrestling-in-the-couch moments... everything.
And instantly, I had this sudden urge to buy those bracelets for us. I wore mine the moment I bought it, and I could still remember my childish excitement as I ran towards my house. You were still there, patiently waiting for me. I just have to smile when I saw you.
My heart felt like bursting as I walked towards you and showed you the bracelet. I didn't say a thing and neither did you. No words were spoken, not even when I gently took your wrist and tied the bracelet around it. I could still remember your smile back then. It was so endearing. I held up my wrist and showed you my own bracelet.
Then there was a silent vow. There was a promise, written in the heart. Friends forever. We're woven together, you and I. And like the blue and white strands of those bracelets, we would never, ever be apart.
I hugged you with all my heart and all my soul. Overwhelming feelings ran through my veins. I was so happy during those moments, I thought my heart would burst.
Yet, I could only say a heart-felt thank you.
And Akira, as much as it was the most poignant moment in your life, it was mine, as well.
But then, now that I think about it, I realized that I forgot to sort out one thing... My feelings for you.
Life pretty much went on from there. Yes, Akira, I remember that. I remember us living together after that moment. I remember our college life. I remember all those study sessions, and Akira... I remember those times when I would hear you cry in the middle of the night.
I would hate myself, then, for being so undecisive.
But then, fate really had to be so cruel to the both of us... because I fell in love with Mitsui. I don't know how it happened. I don't know when, I don't know why. Honestly, all I could remember was spending time with him and admiring him for everything he is. I couldn't stop my heart from loving him, Akira. I couldn't stop, no matter how hard I tried. Those feelings just slapped me in the face, and it was too late when I finally realized it.
You were so hurt back then, weren't you, Akira? I'm so very sorry. I knew all along how much you loved me, yet, I fell in love with another man. And to top it all off, I just have to be the selfish bastard and cry all my anguish to you. Yet, you were so very dear, listening to me with a comforting smile and a loving gaze, whilst deep in your heart, you were crying.
I could still remember the panic I felt when I thought I was going to lose the only friend I've ever had. You changed right in front of my eyes. I was so scared, and all I could think of was that it was I who did that to you. I was hurt as much as you are, Akira. It was so painful for me to watch you imitate those men, when all along, I wanted you to be just the way you are. My Akira. My best friend.
But how could I tell you those things? What right do I have? It was I who brought you all those pain, how could I tell you to stop? How could I tell you that pretending to be someone you're not would never make me fall in love with you? I loved you just the way you are, Akira. You didn't have to change for me.
I could feel your desperation, and it tears me apart. You didn't have to do those for me. And then I realized back then how much you loved me, and how much I've hurt you. But that madness had to stop.
All the pain and anguish I felt, combined with your own pain, gave me the power to hit you over and over again. You were so lost in your pitiful world, you couldn't even hear my plea. I wanted you to come back. I wanted you to be my Akira once again. I just hit you over and over and over again, until I didn't have any more strength left.
I could clearly remember myself crawling towards your battered body, then gathering you in my arms and rocking you over and over again as I pleaded for you to come back. I pleaded and pleaded, but you didn't listen. I was so desperate. And then I couldn't stop that one tear from falling.
"Sorry... so sorry," I could remember myself whispering. I myself was lost in my own world during those times.
And I can still remember the happiness I felt when you reached up and touched my face. You were smiling. I was so happy.
You were back.
And, like you, as you reached up to hug me, I also saw the bracelet... and then I have to smile.
See, Akira? I told you we were woven together. Just like the bracelets. Nothing could tear us apart.
However, you were right in that last letter.
So many things have changed, yet nothing has been really settled between us. We never talked about that incident, nor of your feelings, nor of my feelings. We just went on with our woven lives.
But I just have to tell you this right now. Okay... just let me take a deep breath. Whew. Done. I have to get this over and done with.
Akira...
The day was 11th of July. That same date when you wrote me your last letter.
That morning, I woke up...
... And saw the worn-out bracelet.
Once again, our woven lives flashed by right in front of my eyes.
And then I realized how stupid I have been...
... for not realizing earlier... how much I *love* you.
All those times, I've been in love with you as well, yet, I was too stupid, too vague, too oblivious to realize it. Why else do I get this scary feeling at the thought of you leaving me? Why else were you so damn important to me, that I was willing to ignore any ill feeling I have towards gays, just to have you near me? Why else couldn't I bear the thought of losing you?
It was because I love you as much as you love me.
Damn, Akira, *stupid* is too kind a word to describe me. If only I've realized my feelings for you earlier, then there wouldn't even be any need for tears and pain.
So that morning, as I got out of my bed, I vowed that I would make it all up to you. I would make up for all those tears and sorrow. I would make you the happiest man in the world.
As I remember correctly, I quietly went out of the house. I could still hear you typing away in your laptop as I closed the door. I walked out, breathed in the fresh morning air, and walked towards my destination with a smile.
That day, I bought two rings for us.
Two silver rings... which would symbolize our love... which would go on and on and on... towards eternity.
That day, I was going to-
-------------------
*Ring!*
Darn it! Who the hell could that be? I'm pouring out my heart and soul into this letter, dammit.
*Ring!* *Ring!*
Alright, alright, already! I'm coming!
"Hello," I snapped into the receiver. The man in the other line actually cackled.
"Oi... kitsune, so grumpy, aren't you?"
What the hell... it's the do'aho. "What do you want, ahou?"
"Uh... nothing, really," he replied, his tone serious all of a sudden. "I just want to check up on Smiley. How's he doing, by the way?"
Pain shot through my entire body, and went straight to my tired, battered heart. I couldn't speak, not anymore.
"Kitsune?"
"He's still in a coma, Hanamichi," I said in the barest of whispers.
"But it's gonna be four months already," Hanamichi pointed out. "When will he wake up? What did the doctors say?"
"The doctors said it's pretty much up to Akira," I replied.
"Well then, how are you doing?" Hanamichi asked.
"I'm doing fine," was my simple reply. I really couldn't say much. Everytime I think about the accident, my heart clenches so tight, I couldn't breathe. "Listen, Hana. I gotta go. I'm doing fine, and I'm pretty sure Akira will wake up soon. Thanks for calling."
"Okay," Hanamichi said. I was about to hang up the phone when I heard him talk again. "Oi... kitsune. Remember that we're your friends too, okay? Just give anyone of us a call when you need something, okay?"
"Okay. Thank you, Hanamichi."
"It's alright. Bye."
"Bye."
I hang up the phone with a heavy feeling. Hanamichi was right. It's been four months since the accident... four months since that fateful night, when Akira was accidentally hit by a car.
I practically dragged my feet towards my room. This is too much for me. My heart clenched again when two glittering rings caught my attention. The moon's full tonight, and it casted a soft glow on my room. The rings are there, on top of my table. On July 11th, whenever I thought of those rings, I would smile and think of the wonderful years ahead of me and Akira.
But now, looking at the rings always make me want to cry.
I walked over to the rings and touched the one with Akira's name on it. Tears welled up in my eyes as the event of that cruel night once again played itself in my mind...
...
"Hey, buddy, are you done yet?"
...
---------------------
"Hey, Akira," I whispered as I walked into his room. There he was, quietly laying on his bed, tubes all over his body, yet on his face was a peaceful expression. "How are you doing, pal?"
No answer.
"I was writing you a letter, you know. Sorry if I'm fooling around with your laptop again. Oh, yeah. Before I forget, I have a confession to make."
No answer.
"I was fooling around in your laptop last week when I came across this folder which I've never seen before. You know... the one named 'Letters to Kaede' folder? Well, I opened that folder and read every single file in it. You know what, Akira? My favorite letter was the one you wrote on July 11th. I could practically hear you talking to me, you know. And it was good... remembering all those times... how you and I met, how you fell in love with me... how you felt when oniichan died... how you felt when I fell for Mitsui. It was on that letter, where you first wrote of your feelings for me, too. The other letters were great, too. Some of them made me laugh, some made me cry, but none of them evoked as much feelings as your last letter did.
"And then earlier, I had this sudden urge to write you a letter. I poured out everything into that letter, and wrote there the things I've never told you before. Too bad that stupid Hanamichi called and broke my momentum. Now I just want to talk to you..."
I sat down on the chair beside Akira's bed and held his cold hand in mine.
"I love you," I whispered, hoping that my words could reach him. "It's been very painful to me to go on without you. I could still remember that night as if it only happened yesterday. A part of me died when you were hit by that stupid car. There was blood all over, and everything happened so fast. I was so scared, Akira... I thought I was going to lose you. Do you know what I was thinking back then? Back when I was holding you in my arms when we're on our way to the hospital?"
No answer.
"I was thinking of how unfair life could be. That was the very day when I realized my true feelings for you, and that was the very day when you wrote that very special letter. And I was also thinking that if you're going to die, then by god, I'm going to die with you.
"I couldn't live without you."
Tears suddenly welled up in my eyes, threatening to fall, but I kept them at bay. I told myself that I'm going to be strong for both Akira and me. Akira had always been strong. He kept on living his life, even when he was crying inside because he thought I could never love him back. He was so very brave, facing each brand new day with a smile. And right now's my turn to be brave.
Akira needs me now. He needs to hear my voice every so often. It's been four months since the accident, and for four months, not once has he moved. He's in a coma, and the doctor said he might not wake up at all...
...But I have to be strong. I have faith in Akira.
"I have faith in you," I whispered. "You said you'd never leave me, right? You said you'd be waiting for that day when I've come to accept you, body, heart and soul. The day has arrived, Akira... but you left. I'm sure you'll come back, though. You'll come back for me, right? I still have to make it up to you."
I kissed Akira's cold hand and held it to my face. This would be one of those nights, where I would talk and talk until dawn. This would be one of those nights where I would so desperately try to wake him up, yet, never succeed. This would be another one of those nights where I would try so hard to be strong, yet, cry in the end...
... for the loss...
... for the pain...
... for the tears...
... for the things that could have been...
... for the things that would never be, if he won't open his eyes...
"Please, Akira," I begged, tears now falling freely from my eyes, "please wake up. I love you so much. I'm sorry for the lost time. I'm sorry for everything. I'm going to make it up to you... if you'd just open your eyes.
"I'm so tired, Akira. I'm losing all my hopes. When are you going to come back? You promised, goddamn you! You promised that you'll never leave me! Why did you have to cross that stupid street at the wrong time? Stupid idiot, that's what you are. You told me that you'd wait for the day where I'm going to accept your feelings. I already did, but where are you now? Spending time in lala-land, aren't you? Come back to me now, Akira. I love you."
Yet I know... that he wouldn't.
Couldn't.
And it's all very painful for me.
"Akira... Akira, I bought two silver rings for us. I had them engrave our names in it. Those rings would be the symbols of our love, just as the woven bracelets have remained symbols of our friendship. Open your eyes, Akira, so I could give you your ring...
"...So we could start another story."
Akira remained still. When it was too much for me, I pulled away from him and walked out of his room. I walked straight towards his workroom and sat down infront of his laptop.
I'm going to continue writing the letter.
------------------------
...
That day, I bought two rings for us.
Two silver rings... which would symbolize our love... which would go on and on and on... towards eternity.
That day, I was going to propose to you.
I'm going to ask you to marry me.
We'd go start a new story... if you'd still accept me despite everything I've put you through. We're going to start a new life... just you and me.
I love you, Akira, though at times it doesn't seem so.
I love you with all my heart and all my soul.
I'm willing to accept you now, and if you'd just open your eyes, we would talk about everything. We'd talk about everything that happened... about what we were before and about what we have become. You could tell me about how you really feel, and I, in turn, would tell you how *I* feel.
We're going to stay together forever.
I love you.
With all my love,
Kaede
----------------------
I closed the laptop and wiped away my tears. At loss of what to do, I decided to check on the rings again.
And sure enough, there they were, glowing under the light of the waning moon.
They aren't supposed to be on top of the table.
Someday soon, I'm going to slip one of these in Akira's finger. I'd kneel in front of him and ask him to marry me.
And then the wounds would be healed.
The pain would all be gone.
And it would just be me... and my Akira.
I'm not in a hurry.
Our lives are woven together.
Just like the two colors of the bracelets.
And our story would go on and on... forever.
As symbolized by these two silver rings.
We'll be together forever.
...
"Ka-ede," I heard a faint, distant call.
Tears welled up in my eyes once again. My heart started to beat furiously. My knees went limp.
That voice...
"Akira..."
And there he was, lying on the bed, looking at me with a soft, loving smile...
... and I dropped the rings altogether...
*******
o.wa.ri
*******
Again, this fic is for all the writers in the world. Let us not forget that one of our main goals, if not the main goal itself, is to bring smiles in people's faces all over the world.
31 May 2003
Revised: 16 August 2003
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