Epilogue
It spite of all the damage I've done.
It was pleasure enough to see her like this, in the late afternoon sunlight that feathered through the windows, her face turned down to the pages of the book that occupied her hands. He shifted in his seat letting his legs brush against the sleek wood of the bench. He let his eyes flicker close in introspection, she had yet to speak to him; a self-induced mute. Things were hard for them right now, they could never stay in one place too long. She was troubled he could see it in the way she held herself; could see it when he stared at his reflection too. She understood his reasons for taking her and keeping her with him; he knew she was grateful but what hurt him the most was that she felt undeserving. They had had word from Albus a few days before. He had arranged for them to move stealthily through London to a small town down south where Albus was to meet them. He would be performing the Fidelius Charm and they were to leave within the hour for the train. He sighed inwardly. He missed her. Missed her glow, and he'd do anything to get it back for her. He stood and engulfed her in his arms, ignoring the tension that emptied from her.
" Hermione?" She inclined her head to tell him she was listening. He turned her to face him, his hands wrapped around her cheeks.
" Stop this." His voice settled into a firm tone, he wouldn't do this anymore; couldn't.
She looked at him, her eyes yielding such sorrow.
" I can't." Her voice soft and agonizing. It was the first words he had heard her speak in weeks.
" There is nothing you can do but go on living. They are dead, you've killed them and no amount of self-suffering will change that." Her eyes narrowed as she ripped out of his grasp, her movements slow and lethal. He squared his shoulders as his voice boomed out into the tiny room.
" We're about to go into hiding, we need to clear the air here, right now before we go any further. I can not live like this…" He hadn't meant to say that, he felt it and he was sure she was aware of it, but it wasn't a time for it. He watched as another wall came down in between them. The silence was tangible. Her hands clenched and unclenched before she softly spoke.
" Then I'll go. You don't need the risk, anymore than you need my company." She moved towards her bags by the door. Severus' heart crackled with rage. He stalked towards her grabbing her forcefully; pushing her up against the wall, his face inches away from hers.
" You are wrong. If I didn't want you, I would have let you rot. If I had wanted to rid myself of you I would have cashed you in at the Ministry. Seven weeks I've had to throw you away and I haven't. As for the risk, I would offer my life for the slightest glimpse at knowing you were wholeheartedly happy. However, I can not bare the thought of you excluding or shunning me from your thoughts and feelings. I am here whether or not you want me, its selfish and juvenile but I swear I won't let you muck this up because of your guilt, do you not think I don't have my own demons, Hermione?" His body shook with hurt, emotionally, mentally he was drained.
"Severus,' her eyes brightened in shock like she had just waken into a horrific storm.
Her body clutched to him. 'I close my eyes and they're there, calling to me, asking me if it was worth it, worth their dream's and hopes. I haven't just killed them I've killed their desires, their future. I don't…I- I just…' Her voice was cracking she was clawing at his chest inhaling sharply. ' What can I do, I'm worthless?" Her head sunk into his chest.
He pulled her face up to him slowly.
" You work for forgiveness. You can't just live for yourself anymore, you live for them as well."
**
Banishment from the only world he ever knew, that on top of everything drove Severus to new heights of repression. The Fidelius Charm had erased them, they were living ghost. Severus had always secluded himself but this; this was terrifying. He ran his hand across a store front window in Diagon Alley. He had been in this store at least fifth-teen times a year for the last forty years, the owner had a daughter his age, she was the first girl he had ever kissed and she wouldn't have remembered a thing about him. He let his hand fall away from the window like beads of rain. His feet carried him on through the crowded avenue. He couldn't stay in their flat any longer. She was suffocating him, not by her presence, nor by her prattle; no it was the lack there of that kept him combing the streets where he bleed into the walls, dribbled in the stone, melted into the mass. He sighed in defeat, he was loosing her to herself. No court, no ministry to save her from just her own beaten spirit. His foot kicked at a loose stone as he turned towards home.
Many blocks back Hermione starred out of the window. He would be home soon, she knew this. Routinely he would step through the front door his left hand would unhook his cloak his right resting it on the coat rack. He'd take five steps towards her, open his mouth asking how she was doing or if there was anything he could get for her. She'd nod soundlessly that she was fine. He'd sigh turn towards the bedroom. It was ritual for them both, only today she wanted to change everything.
The door creaked open allowing Severus to enter his hand already reaching for his clasp. Only his fingers brushed against something warm, inviting, missed. Hermione unfastened his robes her lips trailing down his collarbone.
" I've missed you." Her voice waft up into his ears, he felt he would weep for the sheer beauty of her words. His breath caught as she lifted her hands up to his face.
" Severus, we're having a baby." Her words where lost in the joy that bubbled inside of him. His heart heard her before his mind had even registered she was still speaking. Instinctively his hands fluttered to her belly while his body sank to the ground before her; his head resting on his hands.
" Hermione." His voice came out grating, his teeth chattering with timorous questions.
" It's the best gift we can give ourselves. A new life, to foster all the dreams and desires that they could want. It's our second chance." The weight of her words broke through all self-created barriers they had forged. Their baby would thrive.
A/N: Okay its done…did you like it? I do hope so. I had a lot of fun writing it… although this chapter was very difficult to write.. I kept wanting to kill off Hermione ( just out of spite :0) Anyways, I just want to thank everyone who reviewed they really meant a lot to me and I know everyone says that…but in all honesty they've made my day.
P.S: I know the whole pregnant Hermione is overdone.. But I really think they needed something good to work for. There really was no other way to end it, in my eyes at least. If you didn't like it I'm sorry, thanks for taking the time to read it anyway.
Lots of love to everyone: Tulipsaside
