Practically Perfect in Every Way
Coupling: S/B, S/? for a time.
Rating: PG-13 *Does dance of PG-13 rating and shimmies out of my clothes while keeping the underwear on.*
Author: Hostile 17
Disclaimer: I woke up confused as to what was going on. I was in an ambulance, I could tell, I could hear the siren. "She's up", I heard the man taking my blood pressure saying. I looked around and cried when I could not see my beloved husband. "Where is he? Where's the creative genius behind the characters of BtVS?" They looked at each other, neither knowing what to say. Finally the one with the needle in his hand spoke. "Ma'am we were called to the Whedon residence after his wife shot an intruder." He then looked down at my right thigh as he carefully administered my drugs. I followed his gaze, 'Funny I don't remember a gaping hole in my leg.' "My husband will come." I told them, before drifting into a drug induced sleep.
A/N: I just like writing these to feel important. Thanks to Kantayra for the challenge. Thank to Dee for being my beta. Thanks to anyone who reviewed, and to those who didn't I know where you live. *Sharpens knife*
Chapter 2
"What would I change about him? You want a list?" She asked Desire, almost serious.
"Be a specific as possible." She said covering her necklace with one hand, and suppressing her smile by covering it with the other. D'Hoffryn was not going to pass her over for promotion this time. She may not be a true "Rip the heart out of man" vengeance demon but she was good at what she did. 'Damn it I deserve corner office, space.' She thought to herself. Desire looked at Buffy and instantly knew it was going to be a long night. The girl already had her head on the pillow.
"Well first I would get rid of the pesky sun allergy thing. I mean who wants to date a vampire? Yeah I would make Spike human. Not the serial killer he is now. No more vampire badness from him. None of the, I want to drink from your neck, bathe in your blood talk. Just the sweet romantic shit you know?" She asked turning again to the other girl. "Hmmm what else?"
"Smoking!!" Buffy yelled startling the other girl and causing her to spill the drink she was just about to put down.
"What? Where's smoke?" Desire asked, frantically searching the room in vain for any signs of fire.
"Huh? No I meant smoking, like cigarettes. Spike smokes. Tastes like ash when I kiss him." Seeing the curious look that she was now getting, she rephrased. "I mean not that I remember the kissing. I mean we only kissed because of that stupid spell Willow cast. I just, yeah he's all smelling and tasting of the ash when we were, uh kissing. No more smoking. His breath should be all minty fresh, even in the morning."
Seeing that Buffy was actually putting serious thought into what needed to be changed about the man, Desire stood up and got food from her cupboards. 'No reason to starve,' she thought. "Hey you want something to drink?"
"Nah. Me and alcohol are very non-mixy." As to prove what she had said she showed Desire the face she made when she drank. "Plus I get trashed after one shot."
Interrupting, "I meant like water or soda. Didn't mean to imply that I had the sweet, sweet alcohol here and waiting to be consumed."
"Oh, then yeah, water please. Okay so where was I? Got the human, and smoking. Drinking? Did I say drinking?"
"No."
"Then that too. He is all about getting drunk when something doesn't go his way. Big baby. My girlfriend of a hundred years left me, drink. I got a chip in my head, drink. I love a girl that will never love me back, drinks more. I swear if he were living he'd be in serious need of a liver transplant."
"Would you change anything about him physically? Stronger? Weaker? Longer legs? Load-bearing hips?"
"Load bearing what?" She asked slightly confused about the comment. "Uh, no I wouldn't change anything." She thought for a moment, "Except for his hair. Who's he trying to impress anyway? Some eighties freak that loves the Billy Idol look? I would change it to his natural color. You know that dark chocolaty brown."
"How do you know is natural color? Have you two…" Desire asked, hinting at what could only be sex, or bathing together.
Choking on the water she had been drinking, she coughed and held a finger to tell Desire she'd answer in a minute. Buffy looked at her newfound friend hoping that she wouldn't notice the blush in her cheeks. "No, his eyebrows, they're brown. He's to lazy to bleach them I guess." She propped her elbow on the pillow to help her hand support her. "And while we're on the subject of the times are a changing with him, I'd change is car too. That Desoto is not a classic; it's a piece of shit. He's so protective if it. Like it's his baby. Pshh and he calls Angel a poofter." Inwardly, she was laughing at the given name for his grandsire. She thought it was cute.
"So let's go over this, we have human, non-smoker, non-drinker, not an 80's reject that can't get with the times. Including hair color and cars. Anything else?"
"Tons"
Desire sat across from Buffy, silently hitting herself. 'Why didn't I just go to Harmony?'
Two hours later Buffy had still not come up with anything new to change about Spike. Instead she had rambled about how many of his advances had disgusted her, and yet turned her on at the same time. "It's weird. I mean I hated the guy for so long. He just has this way of getting under my skin. I guess I would change that too. The whole sexual innuendo thing, he just uses it way to often. Okay not really innuendo but more like "Touch me here baby, you know you want to."
"He said that? That's like the worst come on line ever." Desire said, finally alert thanks to the four cups of coffee every thirty minutes.
"Well no he did say that, but you can tell he wants to." Buffy replied, giving Desire a look like, 'If you look into my eyes you'll see it's true.'
"What about music?"
"What about it?"
Rolling he eyes before continuing, "Do you like the kind he listens to?"
"It's okay. But, oh, that TV show he watches has to go. You know that one with the Timmy kid that is trapped everywhere all the time. Days of our Lives? No, that's not it. Oh, Passions. Yeah that's it. The guy is like one hundred something years old and he is fascinated by soaps. Yeah that has to go." Thinking for a minute and giving Desire some much needed peace she sat up. "If I made him human, that would come with a soul right?"
"Yes, I believe it would."
"Good. Provided this wish list could actually come true. That would be a requirement. Soul equals good. Can he get a tan too?"
'Uh, huh. Sure sweetie.' Nodding and groaning quietly Desire picked at her nails and waited for the list to end.
"His clothes. He needs color in them. Not the all black wearing, I'm so depressed clothes. Nice clothes, like suits and button down shirts, and anything but combat boots. Oh and that raggedly old duster has to go. The one he stole from the slayer in New York. That thing has seen better days."
"Check color wardrobe, minus the icky jacket." 'Maybe if I throw myself out that window she won't notice. What this guy sees in her is so beyond me.' Desire smiled at her new friend, and then lovingly gazed at the window that would offer her sweet, delicious freedom if Buffy didn't shut up soon.
"Oh, I know…. an apartment. Not that ucky, stanky crypt that he calls home. I mean if you had seen the place, guh. He's proud of it to, like don't track dirt on my dirt. He needs to have a kick ass swanky apartment, you know the large ones like on friends. Oh and one of those round beds, the ones that rotate. For dizzy sex, goodness. Not that I've ever had dizzy sex goodness, but I've heard it could be fun. Okay I haven't so much heard as I watched that HBO sex special last week and now the idea has me all interested."
"And he would afford this swanky flat and rotating bed how? Robbing banks?"
"Of course not. Perfect Spike wouldn't steal anything. He would be all hard working and muscle-y. Yeah, my Spike would have a job. Oh and the pet names have to go?"
"Like?"
"Luv, pet, slayer all the usual shit he calls me. It gets damn annoying sometimes. My name is Buffy. Well actually its Elizabeth Anne Summers. Yeppers, no more pet names, even if it is supposed to be all endearing."
"You said something about your friends not liking him. I suppose you would want to change that to?"
"Well, a world of yes on that question. Of course the Scoobies would love him. He'd be a perfect charming gentleman caring for them as much, if not more than I do." She seemed to smile at the thought.
"Okay so that's all you want to change about Spike?" 'Why doesn't she just make him a woman and be a switch hitter for both teams?'
"His name."
"I'm not following."
"His name is William. I like it; it's all cute and not scary like Spike. I mean who names themselves Spike anyways?"
'Fuck more rambling.' Desire smiled, inching ever so slightly towards the window.
"I'm done. That's it, that's what I would change about Spike. Hey why are you opening the window?"
"Just felt like getting some fresh air." She replied grinning. Taking the seat next to her she asked, "You're sure about this? These changes are your wishes?"
"My wishes? Well yeah." Buffy stopped when she saw the girls' necklace glowing a bright blue. "Oh you're a …oh." She sat back deliberating on whether or not she really want a vengeance demon to grant her wish. 'Don't these things usually have consequences?' She gave it another moment's thought and looked Desire, "That is my wish." Then her world went black.
It seemed like hours, before she woke up. In actuality it had only been a few minutes. She shuffled, her feet around trying to find the edge of the bed. It wasn't until she opened her eyes that she realized she was on the floor. Pushing herself up she looked around at what looked like Spike's crypt. 'Great, I pass out and the evil undead kidnaps me. Again.' Finding a lighter she lit one of the torches lining the wall. 'Funny, it looks like Spike's crypt,' but she couldn't find any evidence of anyone living or un-living there. Grabbing the torch she slowly made her way to the top level. Nope, no Spike here either. She didn't even see his little mini fridge with the pig's blood. 'Weird.'
"Buffy?!"
'Spike?' "Spike is that you? I'm in here." She shouted back.
"Where?"
"In your crypt, dumbass." Frustrated that he was playing games with her yet again, she groaned and yelled louder. "Follow my voice." She kept talking, thinking of various ways to torture him with licorice and possibly whipped cream. 'Guh, he kidnaps me and I'm all about sexual fun. I am a sick, sick woman.' She watched as he came into the crypt, her slayer vision giving her the advantage, and without warning lunged at him.
Grunting could be heard inside the crypt and Willow and Xander became all the more panicked. They had all gone patrolling and William and Buffy had ended up at the Anderson crypt. She had been in a mood yesterday and had been talking about kick Will's ass about stupid shit. Sure he had been kinda mean about her ex-boyfriend Angel but that was no reason to go all homicidal.
"What in the bloody hell are you doing Buffy?
"What does it look like bleach breath? Ending you for good, I'm tired of putting up with your shit."
"My shit? Listen if this is what I said about Peaches the other day I was just giving you a hard time. You know that. I just don't want to see you get hurt again. He's evil; his soul just hides it well."
She shifted her weight to pin him under her. "Yeah, like I would take any advice a soulless creature like you had to offer." Raising her stake she looked into his eyes, knowing that it she was doing next would only hurt her more by that action. "You're a killer Spike; I should have done this years ago." She closed her eyes and brought the stake down.
"Killer?! Spike?!" He watched in horror as she brought the stake down. Thankful for his strength he caught it within a millimeter of his heart. "Elizabeth Anne Summers what the fuck are you on?"
Startled at being stopped and being called by her full name by Spike of all people, she opened her eyes again. It was then that she actually noticed the man, under her. Gone was the head of bleach, the lingering scent of tobacco and liquor, and the man that never needed to take a breath. Jumping off him, and offering her hand she now looked at the man she was helping up.
This man was Spike, but not. He definitely looked her like Spike, well when the first met, with all the hate and loathing in his eyes. 'Okay so I tried to attack him. Big deal, I do that like every Tuesday, you think he would be used to it by now.' His hair wasn't bleach blonde, rather a chocolate brown that mixed perfectly with the tan he was now sporting. 'Tan!!!' She knew he was looking at her funny but she didn't care. She paid no mind when he called for Willow and Xander for help. Her body responded to the Spike look a like when he touched her, much like when the other Spike touched her although then she would never admit it. She took in the scent of the musk he was wearing that seemed to linger in her nostrils even after he stepped away. She vaguely heard things being said like "I think she's hit her head. Nasty bump on the left side," and more stuff about her well being that she paid no attention to. She found herself studying his clothes. Gone tonight was the famous ensemble of black on black that he favored, tonight he was dressed in black khaki's, black dress shoes, and a midnight blue shirt. Okay he hadn't strayed that far on the dressing scale. "Who you dressing up for Spike? Is your little bimbo Harmony taking you to feed?"
"Huh? Who's Spike? Harmony? Didn't you go to high school with her?"
"Don't play stupid with me. You may have changed your looks, and got yourself a nice tan without bursting into flames, and dyed your hair all nice and dark, but you aren't fooling me Spike. Is she helping your impotent ass feed tonight?" Buffy asked, spitting out each word with venom so that he would get that she was no fool.
"Hey you are you calling impotent, you stuck up tight ass with no sense of fun, bitch?" He immediately regretted it when she hit the floor. Running to her side, he scooped her up into his arms and into the car. The Scoobies raced to the emergency room, all telling her in her bouts of consciousness that she would be all right.
At least this time when she woke up she was surrounded by friends and family. Even if that included Spike. "Mom, what happened?"
"Honey, the doctor said you hit your head when you were slay-working. It seems to have caused a concussion." She pointed to the doctor now talking to Spike, "He said that once you wake up he would run some tests so that you could go home as soon as possible. We all know how much you hate hospitals. You be out of here soon sweetie." Joyce assured her by placing a kiss on her forehead.
Buffy sat up; now noticing who all was in the room. The doctor her mom had referred to was walking to her. It was Ben. "Hey you, long time no see. Well I guess that's a good thing seeing as how you work in a hospital." She said trying to joke, but only getting a confused look from him and a snicker from Spike. "So, uh yeah, when can I leave?"
Thirty minutes later and a cup full of pee later and she was on her way to walking out the door. Okay not walking, but wheeling. 'Stupid hospital policies.' Spike had taken this opportunity to grab the wheelchair and race her down the hallway. No one had stopped him, so she went along with the wheelchair racing fun. 'Or maybe he's racing because he stole blood. Mother fucker stole blood didn't he? Now he's using the excuse of getting me out of here all fast so he can have his O negative sweetness. Asshole.' She silently fumed promising to give him a good ass- whooping as soon as they got outside. It wasn't until she spotted through the open sliding door that the sun had risen.
She instantly hit the brake, in effect sending him flying over her and outside. The exact opposite of what she had wanted to do. She watched in horror as he flew out into the sunny weather that defined southern California. Within a second she was by his side, clutching to him screaming. Her mind, and thoughts were going all over the place and trying to prepare her for what was about to happen. Incoherent, she began sobbing, and laid her head down to his chest and waited. Waited for him to burst into flame, then to dust. It was then she heard a sound from Spike that pierced her heart like no other.
A heartbeat.
