Meanwhile, somewhere on the south Jersey shore…
"Gentlemen!" exclaimed Dr. Weird, ready to unveil his latest evil creation. "Behold! My pants are missing!"
"…But Dr. Weird, you don't wear pants!" noted his assistant. Dr. Weird growled.
"I know! …It's the strangest thing! And I don't even know what pants are!"
"Then why did you--"
"Silence, foolish mortal!" he shouted, reclining on a large leather chair. "The Batman marathon is starting! I just love Lee Meredith!"
"Well, I like Eartha Kitt myself--"
"Silence!" shouted Dr. Weird. "Bring me the bat-popcorn while I look for the bat-remote! And where are my pants??!!"
Chapter 15: Much Ado About Batman
From somewhere deep inside the senshi's lair, things were brewing into an ill stew. There were still two more villains preventing the Sailor Senshi from resting up, two more villains who had to be conquered before the story would ever end. Since this was a multi-chapter story and most villains are destroyed or defeated by or near the end, it only made sense that if anybody ever wanted this ridiculous farce to go away, the bad guys would need to DIE.
"In order for everything to be okay, the bad guys need to die!" exclaimed Minako. Makoto rolled her eyes.
"But the announcer already said that!"
"And then you rolled your eyes!"
"He said that too!" she growled.
"You also growled! And I exclaimed something!"
"Ladies, let's stop fighting," moaned Michiru. Minako smiled brightly.
"Michiru, you moaned!"
"I'll say!" purred Haruka playfully. Michiru blushed.
"Ho, boy," sighed Minako wearily. "It looks like I'm going to be busy for awhile!"
"Enough of this!" said one of the Senshi. Nobody knew who it was, since there were approximately 88,000 heroes gathered together in the room. "We must journey to Thrinakie's hideout! Only by doing that will this ridiculous story end!"
"Hohohohoho! If you go to Thrinakie's hideout, you will die!" laughed Chibi-Usa.
"Not again," moaned Setsuna. "Well, we've been hanging around this place way too long! The sooner we leave and kill that crazy old buzzard, the sooner we can all have hot lesbian sex!"
"But Chibi-Usa and I are too young for it," pointed Hotaru sadly. Ami shrugged.
"Not according to fan writers you're not. Besides, Setsuna's technically the only one who's really old enough to legally have sex, but whenever has legality ever stopped a fan writer?"
"KIRIKA!!" screamed Usagi and Rei simultaneously. Meanwhile, Kirkia-hime rolled her eyes and wished that just for once, her story's parody would have some sense to it. Sorry, not gonna happen.
"Anyway, what's stopping us from going to Thrinakie's hideout?" wondered Rei.
"We don't have a ride!"
"I can fix that!" exclaimed Haruka. "To the Sailor Uranus-mobile! …Gosh, that's a stupid name!"
"No it's not!" grinned Michiru. Haruka sighed.
"It's not? Ya really think so?"
"Of course I do! It's a great name!"
"Aw, get in the car!"
*The Batman sign pans forward and backwards quickly as the scene changes*
As the theme song to "Batman" played, the Sailor Uranus-mobile revved out of the Senshi's secret compartment and tore down the streets, with Rei and Usagi each singing the song, annoying everybody else.
"Nananananananananananananananana Batman! Nananananananananananananananana Batman! Batman, Batman, Batman! Batman, Batman, Leader!"
"Hey guys, who do you think was the best Catwoman?" asked Makoto suddenly. The Sailor Uranus-mobile was roaring down the highway with a Batman song playing, no less than 100 confirmed or potential lesbians in it (and a single man who kept his silence well) so of course the topic went straight to the felonious felon.
"Personally, I liked Lee Meredith," said Minako. "Strong, sexy, sleek, not to mention blonde! She could kick Adam West's butt!"
"No way!" squealed Rei in retaliation. "Ertha Kitt, all the way! She even has a cat for a name, Kitt! And the purr! You gotta take her purr into account!"
"Okay, so Ertha Kitt could purr! So what? She wasn't in the movie!"
"That was Michelle Pfeiffer," noted Setsuna. "Ahh… a woman in skintight leather…"
"You're drooling, Setsy-chan," noted Haruka coolly. Setsuna wiped the drool off her mouth.
"Seriously, though, can you blame me? She had that really dark aura around her too, and I almost wet myself when she licked her own body!"
"Sick!"
"What??"
"I dunno, that whip she had got me all excited!" exclaimed Ami with a grin. All the riders gazed over at the mousy girl in confusion.
"Huh? Ami?? Are you into S&M?"
"Well, my initials are Sailor Mercury… and with Sailor Mars and Sailor Moon… Ooh!" The blue-haired girl shivered in excitement, and even Minako had to admit that the threesome sounded hot.
"Still," added Haruka, "Lee Meredith did things for me that no kitten could do."
"I think the old-school Batgirl was the hottest," added Michiru with a smile. "I could definitely slash them together and see a plausibility." Haruka nodded her head and agreed.
"You have to admit, though, that Robin could be my Boy Wonder any day of the week!"
"OH YEAH!"
"What, you mean Burt Ward, or Chris O'Donnel?"
"Both," replied the blonde with a grin. "And I don't mean the old Burt Ward. I want Robin in his prime. Those tights can do wonders for me…" Haruka nearly fainted from fantasizing too much, but luckily, Setsuna quickly caught the wheel.
"Pay attention, Boy Wonder Lover! You almost caused the Sailor Uranus-mobile to smash into that tree!"
"Obviously, the Joker is behind all of this!" stated Hotaru.
"Which one, Cesar Romero or Jack Nicholson?"
"Who cares, they both rocked the house!"
"Amen to that!" agreed Usagi. "And the dude that played the Riddler… Gosh, skintight green spandex with question marks all over… it'd make me dizzy!"
"I hear you there!" agreed Makoto. "But Burgess Meredith had his good points, too!" Minako snarled in disgust.
"What, the Penguin? No way! Short stocky men who drool and eat raw fish don't cut it for me!"
"I dunno, he kinda reminded me of my old boyfriend…"
"EVERYBODY DOES!!!" wailed poor Ami, throwing her hands in the air. "Except for me, of course, and I'm a girl…" Makoto and Ami then proceeded to make out right then and there, for no reason at all.
"Hey, keep it down back there!" shouted Haruka. "Besides, aren't you two in love with those people from the Xenogears world?"
"Fei and Citan were already taken," they moaned.
"What about Krelian?"
"KRELIAN'S MINE!!!!!!" Minako roared out so loud that the entire Sailor Uranus-mobile nearly tipped over. Haruka hastily turned around and apologized to her young friend.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Krelian's all yours!"
"Yippee! I like the part where he's naked the best!"
"Oh, boy…"
"You know, I liked Catwoman, too…" murmured Mamoru sheepishly. All the girls wheeled around and screamed at him like demons, their eyes ablaze and their teeth razor-sharp.
"SILENCE, FOOLISH MORTAL! NOBODY CARES!!" The poor guy sunk deep into his chair, trying to avoid the acidic glare of his comrades. Sometimes, it hurt badly to be Mamoru, but somebody had to do it.
