Chapter 16: The Deadliest Weapon of them All!

Once the Sailor Senshi arrived at Thrinakie's Hideout, their pointless conversation involving Batman came to an abrupt end. Most of the girls apologized to poor helpless Mamoru, and even though Rei and Usagi still had the hots for each other (and Billy), the blonde gave her boyfriend a kiss anyway (Rei, meanwhile, was far too busy choking Billy with her Vulcan Glomp of Death). Makoto apologized for kissing Ami, and the shorter girl apologized for fantasizing about a leather-bound Catwoman, though nobody could really blame her. Everyone else then apologized because it took up space.

"Now that that's over with, let's go end this story and kill Thrinakie!" exclaimed Chibi-Usa. Everybody transformed, but Chibi-Usa was consumed by the flames shooting out from Rei's transformation and was killed instantly.

"Oh my god, they killed Chibi-Usa!" exclaimed Minako.

"You sick nasty freakish perverted monkey-monsters!" A pause.

"Sailor Senshi, awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Setsuna/Sailor Pluto led the charge into Thrinakie's building, and Chibi-Usa revived once again to the dismay of everybody in the entire world, except for Hotaru and maybe Mamoru.

"We're here, we're queer, now get us some beer!" shouted Sailor Uranus as she broke into the room.

"For love and PEACE!" shouted Sailor Moon, doing her best imitation of Vash the Stampede.

"You have MY axe!" shouted Mercury.

"Do you want fries with that?" snarled Mars.

"I need a new wardrobe!" moaned the masked man. Everyone agreed and made him wear his Prince Endymion outfit, which was much better-looking and would forever be in style. Suddenly, before anybody could advance, the maniacal Iason appeared from out of nowhere!

"Hello, my name is Iason!"

"Oh no, it's that guy that can only say one thing!" exclaimed Jupiter.

"You have MY axe!" shouted Mercury.

"What shall we do?" wondered Saturn. "We need to kill him in order to pass!"

"Hello, my name is Iason!"

"Oh no!" wailed Neptune. "HE'S VERY SLOWLY COMING TOWARDS US!" Sure enough, the enraged Iason was gently crawling towards the gathered soldiers, barely trudging along amidst their shrieks of horror. Five terrifying minutes passed before he was within reaching distance.

"How are we going to kill this guy?" moaned Jupiter.

"You have MY axe!" shouted Mercury. Jupiter's face lit up happily as her friend offered the weapon.

"Oh, Ami, you're the greatest ever! Gush~"

"Here we go again," sighed Minako. "Geez Louise! Makoto, you're hopeless!"

"At least I have Ami's axe!!!"

"You know," murmured Sailor Moon to Mars, "there's something really wrong with the way she said that…"

"Tell me about it!" As the girls moaned amongst themselves, Sailor Jupiter took Ami's axe and flung it straight at Iason, splitting his skull in two!

"HELLO, MY NAME IS IASON!!" he screamed before falling down to the floor. Jupiter jerked the axe from out of his forehead, and stood triumphantly as the creature breathed his last. "…Hello… my… name… is……… Iason…!"

"It sure is…" Shyly, Sailor Mercury walked back up to Jupiter, tapping her shoulder gently. "Huh? What is it, Ami?"

"You… have my axe…"

"Oh, sorry!" Cheerfully, Jupiter handed Mercury's axe back to her, and the girls were able to move once again. Mamoru stayed behind, however, getting a good look at Iason as he laid there on the floor.

"Hmm… what a weirdo!"

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"Kurses!" snarled Thrinakie as he watched Iason die. "Zose Sailor Senshi are ruining our plan! Mein herr, vat do you suggest?"

"Don't ask me, I'm just your right hand!"

"Qviet, you!" snapped Thrinakie, slapping his right hand hard. "Such insubordination shall surely result in your demise!"

"Oh, Lord Thrinakie, you're so powerful!"

"Danke shoen, mein hand!" The crazy old man smiled and kissed his hand, whom he had been speaking out of for the past 9000 years. "Now, vat vill ve do about ze Sailor Senshi, eh? Zey haff destroyed mein allies, killink off Bob, Laodameia, Aiaia, Iason, and probably some other weirdos I don't know about! How in ze vorld am I goink to survive, zen?"

"Uhhhhhhh… ask them nicely to spare your life?"

"QVIET!" he snapped, slapping his insubordinate hand once again. "I haff had enough of you, da?! You vill now obey me, da?!"

"Yes, lord! Here, let me shake hands with the one-eyed monster!"

"BAD HAND! NAUGHTY HAND! I vill punish you for such foul language!!!!" However, before Thrinakie could punish his right hand, the Sailor Senshi burst into his room.

"Not so fast, you crusty old bingo-playing mage!"

"ACH! Za Sailor Senshi are HERE! Hand, vat have you been DOING??"

"Don't look at me, Lord Thrinakie!" argued his hand. "I've been attached to your body the whole time! There wasn't anything I could do!"

"LIAR!!"

"No, please! Don't bite me again!!" Thrinakie ignored the pleas of his hand and started gnawing on it mercilessly, chewing into its crusty flesh until it screamed for mercy. Meanwhile, the Sailor Senshi watched the unusual spectacle in confused awe.

"Awww…"

"That's… really… freaky…" muttered Venus. Quickly, before Thrinakie could recover from his self-inflicted wounds, the soldier of love threw her Love Me Chain around him, tying him fast to his chair. Thrinakie could wiggle and struggle as much as he wanted, but even he was unable to move from the trap that had been set around him. Minako grinned with sick glee as she glared at the gross guy.

"Now… for the most painful, terrible, and agonizing death ever! Because we hate you so much, old man, we're going to subject you to tortures so terrifying that your very eyes will bleed and your innards will rot!"

"Oh no, whatever am I goink to do?" he wailed, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Venus' grin became even deadlier as she leaned in to tell him the bad news.

"Trust me, you don't want to get on our bad side. We have ways of making you suffer."

"Oh? Like what? Are you going to put me on the rack, or inside an Iron Maiden?"

"No, worse! We're going to force you to watch subbed and dubbed animes!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Thrinakie shrieked out so loud that he deafened everything within a continent's range, but the Love Me Chain held him fast and kept him locked in the chair. As he struggled fiercely to break free, Uranus and Neptune slipped in a video of the most sickening anime shows imaginable, or at least those that had been butchered beyond recognition. Quickly, they parted from the room before they could be influenced, leaving Thrinakie to suffer all by himself.

"Wait, you forgot me too!" screamed Sailor Mini-Me--but it was too late. The subbed and dubbed animes had already started to play, and even though Thrinakie tried closing his eyes and drowning out the terrible noise with his screams, it was all in vain. The anime had been torn apart so badly and separated so far from its original format that it had became a lethal weapon, perfect for torturing anything to death.

And as Thrinakie let out a final scream, the terror of the badly-dubbed anime show became so great that his eyes literally began to bleed and his innards started to rot, just as Venus predicted. His face began to melt as well, until a river of his own blood washed over his face, slowly eating away at his skin until his skull was exposed. The evil demon melted into a puddle, screaming and gurgling until there was no sound left, save for the terror of the show.

Sailor Mini-Me, however, exploded.

Meanwhile…

"Oh my god, we killed Chibi-Usa!"

"You cactus-hugging porcupine-kissing Communist-loving bed-wetting monsters!"

A pause.

"Oh well, that was fun!" gushed Neptune. "Who wants ice cream?"

"I do, I do!!"

And so, our heroines and their single male companion went out for ice cream, and there was much rejoicing.