Chapter 18: Fight Scene

Once upon a time, the two remaining evil villains decided to use up all their power and eliminate the Sailor Senshi in an all-out, do-or-die attack. Lazarus and Makareus also wanted to gather as many of their allies as they could, in order to completely outnumber the noble Senshi. Together, they brought forth every evil snake in the area: lowlifes, half-lifes, dimwits, nitwits, mercenaries, bounty hunters, bushwhackers, cattle rustlers, mugs, pugs, thugs, butt-kickers, goons, buffoons, maroons, crooks, cons, criminals, bakers, Shakers, Quakers, Lakers, fakirs, pirates, scalawags, bikers, terrorists, Nazis, stranglers, stalkers, villains, talkers, desperados, and Methodists (Makareus had to repeat the list since Lazarus took a few minutes to find a sheet of paper to write it all down on).

Once their massive army had been assembled, the evil villains finally emerged from their safe hideout and marched towards the Sensi's base, bringing the fight to them for once (and destroying a lot of the city in the process, they hoped). Fortunately, Sailor Pluto got wind of the whole scheme, and with the help of Usagi (and Rei), she bolstered the troop's morale, summoned up all the good guys, and came up with a plan to fight back against the oncoming army…

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"You see them coming yet?" Ami peered through her binoculars carefully and squinted her eyes before answering. The Senshi were all crouched on a ridge, carefully watching the horizon for the appearance of their enemy.

"Not yet."

"You see them now?"

"No?"

"Now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No." Ami's patience was as powerful as she was pretty.

"You see anything now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"I'm hungry," said Minako. Ami suddenly let out a cry as she spotted a cloud of dust in the distance.

"Aha! There they are! Right on schedule!"

"I hate it when people say that," muttered Usagi. "What schedule? You're always going on some kind of schedule! Just do something randomly!"

"I'd better do something randomly," murmured Ami. Setsuna quickly tapped Rei's leg, signaling her to let off the dynamite that had been buried far below them.

"Okay, it looks like they're within range," she murmured to herself. The warrior of flames spat out a fireball from the tip of her finger, igniting the fuse that set off the mighty blast. As the army of enemies ran across the empty lot, a tremendous ball of fire blew in their faces, scorching them and confusing them with clouds of smoke and flame. The Sailor Senshis let out a loud whooping holler, and with Rei's rallying call, they sprinted down the plateau and into the battle.

"Okay, everybody! Let's go wipe them out!!!"

"YEEE-HAAAWW!!!!!"

A tidal wave of Senshi stormed down the streets, their combined powers crashing into the confused foes like a tsunami. Everyone and everything erupted in a massive free-for-all fight scene, with demons and pretty girls smashing everything in sight, including each other. Big massive monsters were easily tripped under the Chain of Venus, and Mercury and Mars combined their powers to send a whirlwind of burning ice across the world.

Several of the girls got into fist fights, punching and slamming everything they came in contact with. Jessie Black, Billy's drunk father, yanked a demon close to his face and breathed toxic alcohol breath on him, paralyzing him instantly. Meanwhile, Billy used his bishonen goodness to cause several of the girls to chase him, trampling enemies underneath.

"Forgive me, Lord!" he shouted as he slammed a Bible against an enemy's head. Mars and Moon were each ramming their fists into the enemies, but in the confusion of everything, Sailor Moon suddenly turned around and punched Mars in the face!

"Oh! Sorry, sorry!" She patted her would-be lover's face in an attempt to recover her, and no hard feelings were felt as the fight progressed into an uncontrollable chaos--a scene of anarchy so great that it could even be seen from the glittering skylight of Tokyo…

Meanwhile…

In a secluded studio lot, the Radio City Hall Rockettes were performing a magnificent cancan dance. It was the famous musical interlude to The Wizard of Oz, and every leggy woman in the group was belting out the wonders of the wizard and the yellow brick road that led to the Emerald City. Suddenly, one of the taller girls in the middle slipped and fell, tumbling slightly and ruining the whole scene.

"CUT!!" As the music and activity stopped, the angry director marched onto the scene, went up to the poor girl, and shouted straight into his megaphone, "WRONG!!"

"I'm sorry!"

"I don't know why you're having trouble with this, it's so simple!" he wailed. "It's kick-kick-look to your left, kick-kick look to your right, kick-kick finish with a flair! Ugh, watch me, you pansies!" The angry director cued the music, and demonstrated to the girls what he wanted--but slipped and fell himself before he could complete it. He hastily recovered himself and turned back to the Rockettes to see if anybody misunderstood.

"Is this totally understood?"

"Yes…"

"Sounds like a dead person moaning…" The poor man sighed, and cued the music up once again, running out of the scene before anything could start. On a cue of "Five, six, seven, eight," the music started up again and the girls began their routine. It was the famous musical interlude to The Wizard of Oz, and every leggy woman in the group was belting out the wonders of the wizard and the yellow brick road that led to the Emerald City. Suddenly, the studio walls crumbled down, and out emerged the entire cast of the previous fighting scene, still clobbering and killing each other without inhibition!

"STOP, STOP!!!" yelled the director, ceasing all the action. He turned to the frozen group and screamed at them. "What in the world is THIS? You can't have a fight scene in my Rockette's Wizard of Oz! Don't you understand? This is a closed set!"

"Aw, piss on yew, ya pansy!" growled Lazarus. "We're all workin' fer Kirkia, Al Kristopher, and Takeuchi-sama!" Lazarus reached back to slug the man--

"AH! Not in the face!" …And hastily slammed him in the stomach at the last second, earning a wheezing "Thank you…"

"Oh, no! They've hit Kenny!" shouted one of the Rockettes.

"You monsters! C'mon, girls, let's get'em!" And with that, every single one of the Rockettes joined in on the fight scene, only adding even MORE chaos and confusion to the mess. A flood of females merged with the fight and battled off Senshi and demon alike, though not very successfully. One of them flimsily slapped their hands against the chest of a demon, screaming obscenities as she did, but ended up crying and being cradled by the demon instead.

Another kicked one of the demons right in the crotch, earning his wrath and fury. He gave her chase into a hallway, but when they emerged, they were swooning over each other! Two more of the Rockettes were waltzing with Michiru, and Haruka kept Lazarus busy by drinking and singing with him. As the zaniness escalated into a mindless frenzy, another wall was broken down and the fight scene went elsewhere…

Meanwhile-meanwhile…

Godzilla was trampling over the entire city, screaming loud and destroying everything with his nuclear breath. In front of him was an EVA, battling it to the death as hundreds of screaming Japanese ran from the carnage.

"What I tell you?" shouted one of them. "It Godzilla! GODZILLA! Not Godzirra!"

"Fa-ra-ra-ra-raa, ra-raa raa-raa!"

"No, imbeciles!" he screamed. "Not fa-ra-ra! Fa-la-la!" Suddenly, the EVA pilot squished them.

"Oops," murmured Rei. On the surface, Shinji screamed up to her as she fought the behemoth lizard.

"REI! Use the Force to beat him!"

"But I'm not a Jedi!" she shouted back. Shinji froze.

"Oh. …Crap!" Before Godzilla could get the best of Rei, however, the studio wall fell over, revealing battling Senshi, Rockettes, demons, and no less than 4,200 bingo-playing Jedi Knights. Both Godzilla and Shinji glanced over as the massive fight scene threatened to overtake their peaceful surroundings.

"Rei, look! It's a bunch of Jedi!" The silent girl understood and asked the Jedi very nicely to use the Force on Godzilla. However, before they could, the lizard turned around and made them all toasty.

"Ouch," said the Jedi.

"Oops," said Rei again.

Meanwhile-meanwhile…

"Lord Vader, the Death Star is ready!" shouted an unimportant Imperial officer.

"Silence, foolish mortal! Get ready to fire the Death Star!"

"Death Star ready to fire!"

"Fire at will!" The Death Star powered up, and aimed its laser beam towards Will from Illusion of Gaia, killing him instantly. "Not him, you dolts!" shouted Vader. "Kill somebody in the fight!"

"We're~ sorry~" The Death Star powered up again, and in a massive explosion, it destroyed Godzilla instantly! Again!

"Hooray!" squealed Rei. She emerged from her EVA and noticed a dark-haired Senshi in the massive fight. Inquisitively, the young girl approached the older one and peered at her carefully.

"Hello, my name is Rei." The girl turned around and gasped.

"Hello, my name is Rei!"

"I'm a pivotal character in a popular anime series."

"I'm a pivotal character in a popular anime series!"

"I'm secretly in love with the main heroine of the story."

"I'm secretly in love with the main heroine of the story!"

"I'm usually withdrawn and taciturn."

"I'm usually……… not…" Rei Hino sighed, and Rei Ayaname sighed with her. Suddenly, the fight scene grew out of control, and enveloped everybody and everything into its massive confusing cloud of mass confusion cloudiness that could envelop everybody and everything. Whew!

Meanwhile-meanwhile, meanwhile-meanwhile!!

It was a quiet day in the actor's guild studio cafeteria. Everybody was just sitting down for their afternoon meal, not expecting anything peculiar or out of the ordinary to happen. Adolf Hitler, Napoleon, Ozzy Osbourne, and Charles Manson all sat next to Walt Disney, a healthy meal in their trays.

"My death scene is next," sighed the man who played Hitler. "Once I get my last scene in, I'm outta here. What about you, Joe?"

"Another bloody love scene," sighed the actor who played Ozzy. "That was like my ninth one this hour! How many bloody sexual escapades did this fellow go through?"

"One can only imagine," said Charles Manson. Nobody was playing him; this was the real guy. "So, is anybody up for a game of hearts?"

"Nah…" Suddenly, the wall to the cafeteria broke down, spilling in hundreds and thousands of fighters, and characters from every single anime series ever made! Amidst the screams and shouts of the actors there, one voice rang out clearly.

"Get your pies here, pies! Get your pies for the great Pie Fight! Pies!" Immediately, a hailstorm of pies were thrown everywhere, smashing into everything and slapping everybody with a custard treat. Adolf Hitler and Napoleon quickly took to high ground and began commanding the fight as if it were a real battle, and soon the entire place became a mess. Lazarus snuck up on Rei (Hino), but she caught him and threw him across a counter until he slammed into a cash register.

"Cole slaw, green beans, pea soup, and coconut pie!" stated the cashier, summing up the food items that had splattered all over the hillbilly demon. "That comes to a total of $4.25!"

The Great Pie Fight scene continued even as Makareus emerged from the bathroom (where nature had called him to). Seeing the messy chaos all around him, he quickly ducked back into the bathroom, only to emerge two seconds later with a pie splattered all over his face. He sighed, and sprinted out of the room into the main studio lot, where everybody else streamed as well, filling the entire street with their madness. Actors, fighters, Rockettes, Jedi, Imperial storm troopers, mages, imps, and a whole lot of other really crazy things flooded out, until there was only Sailor Mars left to give chase to the bad guy.

And give chase she did, all the way out to a secluded area of the studio, where the final battle would take place (no, really). She snarled at Makareus, who snarled back at her.

"All right, Makareus! Draw your weapon!"

"Ah, well, uh… I'm, uh, I'm unarmed! See!" Rei drew in a deep breath and put her dukes up.

"All right, then we'll settle this like real anime characters, and spend three episodes staring at each other and exchanging verbal insults. By the way, your father was a hamster and your mother smelt of elderberries!"

"On second thought, scratch that!" exclaimed Makareus, pulling out a long spear. "I am armed, after all!" He thrust the object at Rei, sinking it deep into her stomach and condemning her to death. Sailor Moon saw it and screamed out loud.

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIII! (gasp) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" The Moon Princess rushed straight towards her friend and love, cradling her head in her arms as she shed precious tears. Rei managed to smile, even though she knew that she would be dead within 8-10 sentences.

"Rei, no…"

"Usagi…" Rei gingerly took the hands of her beloved, kissed them, and held them close to her heart. "I… ahh… My only regret… was never telling you… that… I… loved you…" With that, Rei Hino, Sailor Mars, eternal beloved of Sailor Moon, princess of the planet of Mars, died silently.

Usagi's soul shattered as the woman she loved perished.

"Wait!" coughed Rei, somehow still clinging on. "Take care… of… the others… for me…"

"O… of course…" Rei smiled again, a sweet smile that would be burned forever into Sailor Moon's memory, and breathed her last. Tears came down from Usagi's eyes as her beloved laid there unmoving, and she shuddered as the only love she ever knew had been taken away from--

"Wait, one more thing!" sputtered Rei, coming back again. "Did you… remember… to leave… the kitchen door… open?"

"Y-yes…"

"Good!" she coughed. "I… didn't want… burglars… to rob… the place…" And with that, Rei Hino's head became limp, and her last breath escaped from her lips, two rosy petals that Usagi had never been able to treat enough with her tender--

"One more thing before I go!" shouted Rei, becoming animated again. "There… is… another… Sky… walk… er…" Rei then croaked, and fell limp again. Usagi shook her friend in a vain attempt to bring her back, but no power in heaven or earth could--

"I'm not dead yet!" screamed Rei. Makareus rolled his eyes and wondered when--or better yet, if--the girl would die. Hastily, Rei drew Usagi in for a final kiss, and smiled as her mission seemed complete. "There! Thus… with a kiss… I die…" Usagi sighed sadly as her beloved perished, and moaned in agony as she buried her face in her friend's bosom.

"Just… give me a few seconds here…" groaned Rei as she struggled to sit up. "I'm… sure I can… last a few seconds longer…" Usagi growled angrily at her indecisive and heartily stubborn friend.

"Oh, for the love of…! Rei, just die already!"

"Okay… okay… This time… it's… for real… ugghnn…" And with a final death groan, Rei Hino died for good, no joke, completely serious, end of the line.

"I… think… I'm… getting… better…"

"You're not fooling anybody!" snapped Usagi. Rei sighed and shrugged.

"Sorry." Then she died. Usagi let out a sigh, and resumed growling after her hated enemy with more deadly vengeance in her crystal eyes than anyone could ever be led to believe.

"Makareus…!"

"Oh, are we finally ready to continue?" he said with a yawn. "Golly, I thought she'd never die She just kept on coming back!"

"You shut up!" she screamed. "You killed my lover! Now I'm going to do the exact same thing to you, except in a much more violent manner!"

"Ah, I'm not really that scared. You knew I wouldn't be."

"I had to try," she shrugged. Usagi took a step towards her foe, but just as she did, Rei stood up once again, completely unharmed and completely refreshed! Not to mention completely hot!

"Huh… I'm alive. Gee, Makareus, you've got really bad aim!"

"D'ohh!" he grunted in annoyance. Usagi waved her arms in the air, screaming for Rei to help her. Rei dashed towards Makareus but was thrown into the wall, where she feebly tried to move but found it to be impossible.

"Rei! Your spinach! Eat your spinach, Rei!" Groaning, Sailor Mars searched her Senshi outfit for her can of spinach, and squeezed it open with her bare hands, sending the contents sailing through the air and into her mouth. A crazy song played as she chewed and swallowed it down, and her whole body felt the strength of twenty Reis surge through her body. When she flexed her muscle, the Rock of Gibraltar appeared on it, and as she roared towards Makareus, "Stars and Stripes Forever" began playing in the background.

Rei dove into her enemy wildly, flinging her fists at him like a wild top. She slammed her foot into his gut, yanked on his hair as she twirled him around the room, slammed him up against the ceiling (the walls had to take a break from all the abuse), poked his eyes out, slapped him around for a few minutes, and shouted out her mightiest battle-cry as she crushed his face with her fist.

"Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" Makareus was thrown far and fell hard, and just for good measure, Rei leaped into the air, vaulted off a chandelier, and fell back onto her enemy, crushing his intestines with a mighty blast. Finally, she leaped off of him and sent his body flying with a well-timed kick. Meanwhile, Sailor Moon had hearts in her eyes as she watched Mars mop the floor with the poor man.

"Don't get soap suds in my hair!" he shouted as she dipped him in a bucket. Rei swabbed the tiled floor with his head, then finally threw him away like the refuse he was. Makareus stood once again to challenge her, but began to bawl and cry like a little baby.

"(sniffle) You're mean! I don't like this dimension anymore! I'm gonna go back home and tell my mommy on you! WAAAHH!" And with that, Makareus opened up a portal and leaped through it, retreating back into his home dimension like a little coward. With all the enemies gone at last, Rei smiled brightly and accepted Usagi's hug.

"Oh, Rei, you were marvelous!"

"That's right!" she sang. "I'm strong to the finish cuz' I eats me spinach, I'm Hino the Sailor Girl! (toot-toot!)"