Episode 2: American Love
[Forman's basement. Hyde and Eric. Hyde sitting on his chair. Eric is standing up.]
ERIC: Oh my God! You love her?!?!
HYDE: Shut up Forman.
ERIC: WHY?!?! She's the devil!
HYDE: [gets up and gets a popsicle] I thought Laurie was the devil.
ERIC: She is! Jackie's the apprentice! You know... the devil in training!
HYDE: What?
ERIC: Yeah! Like Darth Vader in Star Wars!
[Hyde groans]
HYDE: [sits] Just forget it. I don't bother you.
ERIC: Yeah you do! All the time!
HYDE: Name em!
ERIC: Gladly.
***** PAST SEQUENCE *******
[Forman's basement. Hyde, Fez, and Eric are sitting and relaxing.Hyde reading magazine.]
ERIC: Okay... Don't tell Donna that I read her diary. Alright?
FEZ: No problem Eric.
HYDE: You can count on us.
[Donna comes in through door]
DONNA: Hey guys.
HYDE: Eric read your journal.
ERIC: What? No I didn't.
FEZ: Yes you did.
DONNA: ERIC! [hits him]
************************************************
[Forman's driveway. Everyone is playing baseketball.]
DONNA: [holding ball] I don't know how I always beat you Forman!
FEZ: He thinks you cheat.
HYDE: FEZ! Don't say that... wasn't it steriods?
DONNA: WHAT?!?! [tosses ball at Eric]
ERIC: No! No I don't!
DONNA: [hits him] I don't cheat! [hits him more] AND I'M NOT ON STERIODS!
************************************************
[THE HUB. Donna and Eric are drinking a drink together. FEZ, Hyde and Kelso come in]
DONNA: Hey guys. What's up?
ERIC: Hey you guys! What were you guys doing?
KELSO: Like you told us. [Eric does the DON'T SAY ANYTHING]
FEZ: Fixing Donna's mail box that you hit last night.
HYDE: Remember? Boy that was fun. You hit that thing hard! BAM!
DONNA: [turns to Eric] ERIC!
ERIC: It was an accident! I didn't see the pink color of your mailbox in the dark!
[Donna gets up and leaves]
***** PAST SEQUENCE ENDS *******
HYDE: [laughs] Yeah, that's funny man.
[Eric rolls eyes]
[CREDITS]
************************************************
[Forman's basement. Hyde, Jackie, Eric, Donna, Kelso and FEZ are watching TV. Hyde is in his chair. Jackie, Donna and FEZ are sitting on the couch. Eric is sitting behind the couch. Kelso is on the side chair.]
KELSO: Man... these angels are hot. They can be my Angels!
JACKIE: You think any girl with a rack is hot.
KELSO: No! Only hot ones!
FEZ: Oh that is nice! [smiles] Farah knows what I like. [sighs] Ai, I have no luck with women.
KELSO: [looks at him] Aww... FEZ, we know. [turns back to TV]
DONNA: [gets up and hits Kelso, sits down] FEZ, You'll find a nice girl soon.
JACKIE: Yeah. I'm sure there are some girls who like foreign guys.
[Everyone stares at her]
JACKIE: What?? There could be. Like in France or foreign places.
ERIC: [looks at Hyde and then at everyone else] You know what I love?
[ALL AT THE SAME TIME THEY SAY:]
DONNA: [points to TV] Those breasts that are flying?
HYDE: Men?
FEZ: Midgets?
JACKIE: Bas taste?
KELSO: [looks at Eric] Oh Oh ... MONKEYS!
ERIC: [looks at everyone] No! Well... yeah [looks at Kelso and Donna] Donna. I love you.
JACKIE: Oh that's so lame. [Donna hits Jackie] OW! That hurt, you lumberjack!
ERIC: [looks at Jackie and then Hyde for a long time and then at Donna] And I'm telling you since I don't want to ever keep anything from you and feel that if you love someone you tell them. So Donna... I love you. [stares at Hyde]
DONNA: Aw. That's sweet Eric. [kisses him and turns back to TV]
ERIC: [unsure] Don't I get a I love you back?
FEZ: Oh Eric I love you too.
ERIC: Not you! Donna...
KELSO: [coughs] Burn! [cough]
DONNA: [realization and looks at him] Oh! yeah... I love you too Eric. [turns back to TV]
ERIC: Okay... [pauses] thanks.
FEZ: STOP IT WITH THE NEEDS! [Gets up and leaves through door]
KELSO: [gets up] Oh great! You hurt FEZ... AGAIN!!! [Calls after FEZ] FEZ! [leaves through door]
JACKIE: Poor FEZ. He really needs a girlfriend. He needs makeout time... BAD [shakes head]
HYDE: Yeah... poor guy. Hey Jackie wanna go... make out? [Hyde gets up]
JACKIE: [calmly] Okay [Jackie follows and they leave through door]
ERIC: Okay... we're alone. [jumps over couch and sits]
DONNA: Yeah... This is nice.
ERIC: Well Donna. [fake yawns and put arm over Donna] What do you think we should do to kill time?
DONNA: I know! You can tell me why the hell you acted lovey-dovey earlier?
ERIC: [Seeming oblivious] Sweet hot passionate sex coming your way baby! Oh what? [surprised]
************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is cleaning the stove. Red enters]
KITTY: [Smiling] RED! Guess what? [smiles bigger] I invited friends over!
RED: [looks deep into her] What friends Kitty? [pauses] Oh crap. You invited Bob and Joanne over!
KITTY: [throws towel down] Yes! We need the company! I need friends Red! I can't deal with this forever. I need people to support me Red. DON'T YOU THINK I NEED THE SUPPORT RIGHT NOW!?!?! ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THAT'S BEEN HAPPENING! [overreacting]
RED: [worried] Okay Kitty! Okay! I'll deal with those dumbasses tonight.
KITTY: [back to normal and laughs] Good! Oh this is going to be so much fun! [jumps and goes to the living room]
RED: [groans] Ah dammit.
************************************************
[THE HUB. Kelso and FEZ enter. They look around and see girls.]
FEZ: So where are the lucky ladies?
KELSO: They are all over the place. We just got to pick them.
FEZ: What do I say?
KELSO: Don't worry FEZ! I got your back.
FEZ: [sees a cute girl] Hey! How about that chick?
KELSO: Oh. No I dated her before. She thinks she's so smart. She uses big words... WHO THE HELL USES "SIMPLICITY"?
[Both shrugg. FEZ turns and see a girl smiling at him.FEZ taps Kelso]
FEZ: How about her? [points to girl]
KELSO: [Looks] Oh. That's Maggie Thompson. She's hard to get. I doubt she'd want to do anything with you. She turned me - I mean she's not really my type. I guess I was too hot for her. She begged me [looks away] to be with her... but no...
[FEZ walks towards her, Kelso is still talking]
FEZ: Hello lovely lady. I am FEZ. Beautiful as the night is, only you are far more beautiful.
MAGGIE: Oh aren't you the cutest thing? I'm Maggie. [lets out hand and FEZ kisses it]
FEZ: Oh sweet Maggie. Your hand is like butter. Creamy and smooth and may I add very nicely textured.
MAGGIE: [takes hand away] Oh thank you! That's so sweet. I love your accent!
FEZ: [confused] Accent? Oh... yes. My American accent is breaking in well, thank you for noticing.
[MAGGIE and FEZ laughs. KELSO notices and is appalled. He walks up to FEZ]
KELSO: FEZ?!?! What are you doing?
FEZ: [talking to Maggie] Hold on one second Maggie. [turns to Kelso] I am doing so good!
KELSO: She's out of your league man. She's going to end up hurting you. You know. As a good friend that I am, I'll take over from here and you can just thank me later. [smiles]
FEZ: [confused] I don't get it?
KELSO: It's simple. I'll take it from here.
FEZ: [understands] Ohhh... [shakes head] No.
KELSO: Come on man. [grows impatient] FINE! [leaves]
[FEZ turns back to Maggie who is smiling at him]
[COMMERCIAL]
************************************************
[Forman basement. Donna and Eric on couch, facing each other.]
ERIC: Okay. When I tell you this. You have to keep this a secret and when I tell you this... don't get all jumpy.
DONNA: Come on Eric. You know me. I don't overreact.
ERIC: Hyde loves Jackie.
DONNA: [jumps] OH MY GOD!!! HE CAN DO THAT???
ERIC: [nods] It's true. Our Hyde... [pauses] can love.
DONNA: [gasping for air] My God. Does she know?
ERIC: No. I don't think he'll tell her.
DONNA: Why not?
ERIC: I don't know. I need to ask him that. Just don't say anything when they come back.
[Jackie and Hyde comes back in. Hyde sits on his chair. Jackie sits on hers.]
DONNA: So what have you kids been up to?
JACKIE: Just gone out to get some fresh air. Steven, couldn't take his hands off me though.
HYDE: Me? It was you who couldn't keep to herself.
ERIC: Okay... ears need to be cut off and burned. [covering ears]
HYDE: So Forman. We going to go to visit that college next weekend?
JACKIE: Steven [gets up] you're going to a college next weekend? Why didn't you tell me?
HYDE: Fine. [moves forward from chair] Jackie, I'm going to a college next weekend. Happy? [leans back]
JACKIE: [walks to him] I still think you should of told me.
HYDE: Why does it matter?
JACKIE: It does, Steven. Communication is the key to our relationship! We need to talk things through. We need to tell each other everything!
HYDE: [gets up] Okay Jackie. Let me tell you this. I'm going to go to the bathroom [points to bathroom] and I don't think you'd want to follow me. [does cute face]
JACKIE: Thank you Steven and you are right. [sits down in his seat. Hyde goes to bathroom]
DONNA: So what's going on with you two?
JACKIE: Oh we're fine. We're more than fine. Oh why won't he let me be in control!
ERIC: I don't know. Maybe cuz YOU'RE CONTROLLING!
JACKIE: [looks at Eric and then at Donna] And all he wants to do is talk. He talks too much. Blah blah blah the Government this... Blah blah blah Xerox is taking over... I don't know if I could take this. He's out talking me!!!
ERIC: I don't think that's possible. Actually... I don't think that's even real.
DONNA: Wow... Hyde talks too much? That's like Eric gaining weight.
ERIC: Hey! I can! I checked the scale and I'm three pounds heavier Missy! [points at Donna]
JACKIE: Yeah, but don't tell him. Shhh.. here he comes! [Hyde comes out of bathroom] Yeah DONNA! I know my hair is prettier than yours!
DONNA: What?!?!?! [Jackie winks at Donna]
************************************************
[THE HUB. FEZ and MAGGIE are sitting and chatting. Kelso comes in looking like FEZ. He walks up to them.]
KELSO: [in a fake accent] Hello Maggie! I am Michel!
MAGGIE: Michelle? That's a girl's name! [laughs]
KELSO: IT'S FRENCH! for Michael! Michel!
FEZ: You are such a girl.
KELSO: It's "man pretty"!!!
MAGGIE: Yes Michel?
KELSO: [grabs a seat] Yes. In my country it is beautiful. There is no war. No guns. No big words! Definitely. And lots and lots of se-u-x.
MAGGIE/FEZ: SE-U-X?
KELSO: Yes. SE-U-X! AND LOTS OF IT BABY!
FEZ: In my country Maggie. You'd be the Queen of the kingdom! [Maggie looks flattered]
KELSO: Well Well in my country! You'd be the King! King of the Jungle! [Maggie looks puzzled]
FEZ: [looks at Kelso] King of the Jungle?
KELSO: HEY! SHUT UP!
FEZ: [looks back at Maggie] In my country, everyone would be praising your name because of your beauty. [Maggie smiles]
KELSO: In my country! We all love you and the thing they do when they love you is that we have what is called an offering.
MAGGIE: An offering?
KELSO: Yes! The offering to you is a sexy, handsome foreign guy and this year... IT'S ME!
FEZ: [looks at Kelso] You're an idiot! That is not how to win a girl!
KELSO: I DON'T SEE YOU DOING ANY BETTER?!?! [Both get up]
FEZ: You are a disgrace to all Foreign Exchange Students!
KELSO: Well you're a disgrace to the - whatever you are!!!
[Maggie gets up and starts to leave.]
MAGGIE: You know what... you two go fight. I don't care. I'm leaving.
FEZ: But but Maggie! I didn't tell you about my country's song of love.
KELSO: Or mine's!
MAGGIE: Forget it. Foreigners creep me out now. [she leaves]
KELSO: Great! Look what you did! Now she hates us foreigners!
FEZ: Looking at you, I am proud not to be an American!
************************************************
[Forman Living room. Red is in his chair. Kitty, Bob and Joanne are sitting on the couch.]
JOANNE: It's so nice of you to invite us over.
KITTY: No problem. It's always nice having company, other than your own.
RED: Kitty. I'm right here.
KITTY: [doesn't look at Red and smiles at Bob and Joanne] I stand by what I said.
RED: [rolls eyes] So Bob. How's life?
BOB: Well Red. It's been hard -
RED: [cuts him off] Well that's too bad. It'll be better soon! [sips beer]
JOANNE: Red you didn't let him finish!
RED: I was doing you and me a favor.
KITTY: [laughing] So Joanne, how is everything?
JOANNE: It's great! Bob and I are talking about moving in together. Maybe get married and start a family.
KITTY: [serious] Oh... start a family?
BOB: Yeah. It's going to be so fun. There will be another me running around someday.
RED: Oh God No. [everyone looks at him] I mean... Great..
KITTY: Oh Children... Oh My!
*************** FANTASY SEQUENCE *****************************
[Forman Driveway. KITTY playing with various kids in the driveway.]
KITTY: Come on kids! Who wants ice cream?!?!
KIDS: I do! I do! I do!
KITTY: Well you know what you have to do first!!!
KIDS: WE LOVE YOU!
KITTY: [smiles] AND I LOVE YOU!!! Come on kids! Let's go!
[KIDS run to Kitty and hug her. She walks towards her sliding door with the children. Then a whistle is blown. Kids start running away from Kitty towards the Pinciotti's place. You see the kids clinging onto Bob.]
BOB: Thanks Kitty for playing with them! Since you can't have kids of your own! Come on kids! Say Bye bye to Kitty!
KIDS: Bye bye Kitty!
KITTY: Bye bye kids!!! [drowns out Bye bye Kids]
*************** FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS ************************
BOB: Yeah. Donna doesn't know. She just got home and everything. Yeah... Kitty I heard about your problem. And I'm sorry. Maybe if you take some medicine it'll go away.
[Everyone stares at him. Kitty starting to get mad and upset. Red looks ready. Joanne and Bob looks scared]
KITTY: OH MY GOD! GET OUT! GET OUT! [points to the door] GET OUT!
[Joanne and Bob get up and run out of the living room front door. Bob stops]
BOB: Thank you for the lovely evening!
[Joanne pulls Bob outside]
RED: [hugs Kitty] Now calm down. Now they won't come back again... [realizes it] Ah well. Too bad then.
KITTY: [looking at door where Bob and Joanne left] Dumbasses!!!
************************************************
[Forman Basement. 360 -Circle. Hyde, FEZ, Eric, and Kelso.]
ERIC: Well you guys. Today has been my day. I did not get in trouble at all.
FEZ: Oh Eric. You are so lucky. American boy here ruined my chance with an enchanting goddess. [points to KELSO] Damn you!!! [shakes fingers]
HYDE: [cutting FEZ off] Let me FEZ. [looks at KELSO] You son of a bitch! Heh Heh Yeah... I always wanted to do that.
KELSO: Nu-Uh! I offered to take your troubles away. Fine! This is the last time I'll help you in a situation.
ERIC: You were helping him?
KELSO: Yeah. Sort of. [chuckles] No.
HYDE: [looks at FEZ] May I?
FEZ: Please.
HYDE: [looks at Kelso and does a wet willy, Kelso screams] Heh Heh.. wanted to do that too.
************************************************
[Jackie's bedroom. Donna and Jackie are on the bed.]
JACKIE: Donna, I wish Steven would tell me things.
DONNA: I don't see why he should. You're controlling!
JACKIE: I am not! I just want him to tell me everything and then see what I can do about it. Like if he wants to go out with the guys and I want him to spend time with me, he'd spend time with me. If we want to watch a love story instead of horror, we'd watch the - wait. No that won't work.
DONNA: Oh good. At least you draw the line.
JACKIE: No... any place we'd make out.
DONNA: Okay EW.
JACKIE: I wish Steven would tell me things. I mean... I would tell him everything cuz I love hi- anyways... you know what Eric did?
DONNA: Oh my God! You love Hyde?
JACKIE: No I don't! I don't love Steven! I... I... Eric read your diary!
************************************************
[Forman's basement. Hyde and Eric. Hyde sitting on his chair. Eric is standing up.]
ERIC: Oh my God! You love her?!?!
HYDE: Shut up Forman.
ERIC: WHY?!?! She's the devil!
HYDE: [gets up and gets a popsicle] I thought Laurie was the devil.
ERIC: She is! Jackie's the apprentice! You know... the devil in training!
HYDE: What?
ERIC: Yeah! Like Darth Vader in Star Wars!
[Hyde groans]
HYDE: [sits] Just forget it. I don't bother you.
ERIC: Yeah you do! All the time!
HYDE: Name em!
ERIC: Gladly.
***** PAST SEQUENCE *******
[Forman's basement. Hyde, Fez, and Eric are sitting and relaxing.Hyde reading magazine.]
ERIC: Okay... Don't tell Donna that I read her diary. Alright?
FEZ: No problem Eric.
HYDE: You can count on us.
[Donna comes in through door]
DONNA: Hey guys.
HYDE: Eric read your journal.
ERIC: What? No I didn't.
FEZ: Yes you did.
DONNA: ERIC! [hits him]
************************************************
[Forman's driveway. Everyone is playing baseketball.]
DONNA: [holding ball] I don't know how I always beat you Forman!
FEZ: He thinks you cheat.
HYDE: FEZ! Don't say that... wasn't it steriods?
DONNA: WHAT?!?! [tosses ball at Eric]
ERIC: No! No I don't!
DONNA: [hits him] I don't cheat! [hits him more] AND I'M NOT ON STERIODS!
************************************************
[THE HUB. Donna and Eric are drinking a drink together. FEZ, Hyde and Kelso come in]
DONNA: Hey guys. What's up?
ERIC: Hey you guys! What were you guys doing?
KELSO: Like you told us. [Eric does the DON'T SAY ANYTHING]
FEZ: Fixing Donna's mail box that you hit last night.
HYDE: Remember? Boy that was fun. You hit that thing hard! BAM!
DONNA: [turns to Eric] ERIC!
ERIC: It was an accident! I didn't see the pink color of your mailbox in the dark!
[Donna gets up and leaves]
***** PAST SEQUENCE ENDS *******
HYDE: [laughs] Yeah, that's funny man.
[Eric rolls eyes]
[CREDITS]
************************************************
[Forman's basement. Hyde, Jackie, Eric, Donna, Kelso and FEZ are watching TV. Hyde is in his chair. Jackie, Donna and FEZ are sitting on the couch. Eric is sitting behind the couch. Kelso is on the side chair.]
KELSO: Man... these angels are hot. They can be my Angels!
JACKIE: You think any girl with a rack is hot.
KELSO: No! Only hot ones!
FEZ: Oh that is nice! [smiles] Farah knows what I like. [sighs] Ai, I have no luck with women.
KELSO: [looks at him] Aww... FEZ, we know. [turns back to TV]
DONNA: [gets up and hits Kelso, sits down] FEZ, You'll find a nice girl soon.
JACKIE: Yeah. I'm sure there are some girls who like foreign guys.
[Everyone stares at her]
JACKIE: What?? There could be. Like in France or foreign places.
ERIC: [looks at Hyde and then at everyone else] You know what I love?
[ALL AT THE SAME TIME THEY SAY:]
DONNA: [points to TV] Those breasts that are flying?
HYDE: Men?
FEZ: Midgets?
JACKIE: Bas taste?
KELSO: [looks at Eric] Oh Oh ... MONKEYS!
ERIC: [looks at everyone] No! Well... yeah [looks at Kelso and Donna] Donna. I love you.
JACKIE: Oh that's so lame. [Donna hits Jackie] OW! That hurt, you lumberjack!
ERIC: [looks at Jackie and then Hyde for a long time and then at Donna] And I'm telling you since I don't want to ever keep anything from you and feel that if you love someone you tell them. So Donna... I love you. [stares at Hyde]
DONNA: Aw. That's sweet Eric. [kisses him and turns back to TV]
ERIC: [unsure] Don't I get a I love you back?
FEZ: Oh Eric I love you too.
ERIC: Not you! Donna...
KELSO: [coughs] Burn! [cough]
DONNA: [realization and looks at him] Oh! yeah... I love you too Eric. [turns back to TV]
ERIC: Okay... [pauses] thanks.
FEZ: STOP IT WITH THE NEEDS! [Gets up and leaves through door]
KELSO: [gets up] Oh great! You hurt FEZ... AGAIN!!! [Calls after FEZ] FEZ! [leaves through door]
JACKIE: Poor FEZ. He really needs a girlfriend. He needs makeout time... BAD [shakes head]
HYDE: Yeah... poor guy. Hey Jackie wanna go... make out? [Hyde gets up]
JACKIE: [calmly] Okay [Jackie follows and they leave through door]
ERIC: Okay... we're alone. [jumps over couch and sits]
DONNA: Yeah... This is nice.
ERIC: Well Donna. [fake yawns and put arm over Donna] What do you think we should do to kill time?
DONNA: I know! You can tell me why the hell you acted lovey-dovey earlier?
ERIC: [Seeming oblivious] Sweet hot passionate sex coming your way baby! Oh what? [surprised]
************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is cleaning the stove. Red enters]
KITTY: [Smiling] RED! Guess what? [smiles bigger] I invited friends over!
RED: [looks deep into her] What friends Kitty? [pauses] Oh crap. You invited Bob and Joanne over!
KITTY: [throws towel down] Yes! We need the company! I need friends Red! I can't deal with this forever. I need people to support me Red. DON'T YOU THINK I NEED THE SUPPORT RIGHT NOW!?!?! ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THAT'S BEEN HAPPENING! [overreacting]
RED: [worried] Okay Kitty! Okay! I'll deal with those dumbasses tonight.
KITTY: [back to normal and laughs] Good! Oh this is going to be so much fun! [jumps and goes to the living room]
RED: [groans] Ah dammit.
************************************************
[THE HUB. Kelso and FEZ enter. They look around and see girls.]
FEZ: So where are the lucky ladies?
KELSO: They are all over the place. We just got to pick them.
FEZ: What do I say?
KELSO: Don't worry FEZ! I got your back.
FEZ: [sees a cute girl] Hey! How about that chick?
KELSO: Oh. No I dated her before. She thinks she's so smart. She uses big words... WHO THE HELL USES "SIMPLICITY"?
[Both shrugg. FEZ turns and see a girl smiling at him.FEZ taps Kelso]
FEZ: How about her? [points to girl]
KELSO: [Looks] Oh. That's Maggie Thompson. She's hard to get. I doubt she'd want to do anything with you. She turned me - I mean she's not really my type. I guess I was too hot for her. She begged me [looks away] to be with her... but no...
[FEZ walks towards her, Kelso is still talking]
FEZ: Hello lovely lady. I am FEZ. Beautiful as the night is, only you are far more beautiful.
MAGGIE: Oh aren't you the cutest thing? I'm Maggie. [lets out hand and FEZ kisses it]
FEZ: Oh sweet Maggie. Your hand is like butter. Creamy and smooth and may I add very nicely textured.
MAGGIE: [takes hand away] Oh thank you! That's so sweet. I love your accent!
FEZ: [confused] Accent? Oh... yes. My American accent is breaking in well, thank you for noticing.
[MAGGIE and FEZ laughs. KELSO notices and is appalled. He walks up to FEZ]
KELSO: FEZ?!?! What are you doing?
FEZ: [talking to Maggie] Hold on one second Maggie. [turns to Kelso] I am doing so good!
KELSO: She's out of your league man. She's going to end up hurting you. You know. As a good friend that I am, I'll take over from here and you can just thank me later. [smiles]
FEZ: [confused] I don't get it?
KELSO: It's simple. I'll take it from here.
FEZ: [understands] Ohhh... [shakes head] No.
KELSO: Come on man. [grows impatient] FINE! [leaves]
[FEZ turns back to Maggie who is smiling at him]
[COMMERCIAL]
************************************************
[Forman basement. Donna and Eric on couch, facing each other.]
ERIC: Okay. When I tell you this. You have to keep this a secret and when I tell you this... don't get all jumpy.
DONNA: Come on Eric. You know me. I don't overreact.
ERIC: Hyde loves Jackie.
DONNA: [jumps] OH MY GOD!!! HE CAN DO THAT???
ERIC: [nods] It's true. Our Hyde... [pauses] can love.
DONNA: [gasping for air] My God. Does she know?
ERIC: No. I don't think he'll tell her.
DONNA: Why not?
ERIC: I don't know. I need to ask him that. Just don't say anything when they come back.
[Jackie and Hyde comes back in. Hyde sits on his chair. Jackie sits on hers.]
DONNA: So what have you kids been up to?
JACKIE: Just gone out to get some fresh air. Steven, couldn't take his hands off me though.
HYDE: Me? It was you who couldn't keep to herself.
ERIC: Okay... ears need to be cut off and burned. [covering ears]
HYDE: So Forman. We going to go to visit that college next weekend?
JACKIE: Steven [gets up] you're going to a college next weekend? Why didn't you tell me?
HYDE: Fine. [moves forward from chair] Jackie, I'm going to a college next weekend. Happy? [leans back]
JACKIE: [walks to him] I still think you should of told me.
HYDE: Why does it matter?
JACKIE: It does, Steven. Communication is the key to our relationship! We need to talk things through. We need to tell each other everything!
HYDE: [gets up] Okay Jackie. Let me tell you this. I'm going to go to the bathroom [points to bathroom] and I don't think you'd want to follow me. [does cute face]
JACKIE: Thank you Steven and you are right. [sits down in his seat. Hyde goes to bathroom]
DONNA: So what's going on with you two?
JACKIE: Oh we're fine. We're more than fine. Oh why won't he let me be in control!
ERIC: I don't know. Maybe cuz YOU'RE CONTROLLING!
JACKIE: [looks at Eric and then at Donna] And all he wants to do is talk. He talks too much. Blah blah blah the Government this... Blah blah blah Xerox is taking over... I don't know if I could take this. He's out talking me!!!
ERIC: I don't think that's possible. Actually... I don't think that's even real.
DONNA: Wow... Hyde talks too much? That's like Eric gaining weight.
ERIC: Hey! I can! I checked the scale and I'm three pounds heavier Missy! [points at Donna]
JACKIE: Yeah, but don't tell him. Shhh.. here he comes! [Hyde comes out of bathroom] Yeah DONNA! I know my hair is prettier than yours!
DONNA: What?!?!?! [Jackie winks at Donna]
************************************************
[THE HUB. FEZ and MAGGIE are sitting and chatting. Kelso comes in looking like FEZ. He walks up to them.]
KELSO: [in a fake accent] Hello Maggie! I am Michel!
MAGGIE: Michelle? That's a girl's name! [laughs]
KELSO: IT'S FRENCH! for Michael! Michel!
FEZ: You are such a girl.
KELSO: It's "man pretty"!!!
MAGGIE: Yes Michel?
KELSO: [grabs a seat] Yes. In my country it is beautiful. There is no war. No guns. No big words! Definitely. And lots and lots of se-u-x.
MAGGIE/FEZ: SE-U-X?
KELSO: Yes. SE-U-X! AND LOTS OF IT BABY!
FEZ: In my country Maggie. You'd be the Queen of the kingdom! [Maggie looks flattered]
KELSO: Well Well in my country! You'd be the King! King of the Jungle! [Maggie looks puzzled]
FEZ: [looks at Kelso] King of the Jungle?
KELSO: HEY! SHUT UP!
FEZ: [looks back at Maggie] In my country, everyone would be praising your name because of your beauty. [Maggie smiles]
KELSO: In my country! We all love you and the thing they do when they love you is that we have what is called an offering.
MAGGIE: An offering?
KELSO: Yes! The offering to you is a sexy, handsome foreign guy and this year... IT'S ME!
FEZ: [looks at Kelso] You're an idiot! That is not how to win a girl!
KELSO: I DON'T SEE YOU DOING ANY BETTER?!?! [Both get up]
FEZ: You are a disgrace to all Foreign Exchange Students!
KELSO: Well you're a disgrace to the - whatever you are!!!
[Maggie gets up and starts to leave.]
MAGGIE: You know what... you two go fight. I don't care. I'm leaving.
FEZ: But but Maggie! I didn't tell you about my country's song of love.
KELSO: Or mine's!
MAGGIE: Forget it. Foreigners creep me out now. [she leaves]
KELSO: Great! Look what you did! Now she hates us foreigners!
FEZ: Looking at you, I am proud not to be an American!
************************************************
[Forman Living room. Red is in his chair. Kitty, Bob and Joanne are sitting on the couch.]
JOANNE: It's so nice of you to invite us over.
KITTY: No problem. It's always nice having company, other than your own.
RED: Kitty. I'm right here.
KITTY: [doesn't look at Red and smiles at Bob and Joanne] I stand by what I said.
RED: [rolls eyes] So Bob. How's life?
BOB: Well Red. It's been hard -
RED: [cuts him off] Well that's too bad. It'll be better soon! [sips beer]
JOANNE: Red you didn't let him finish!
RED: I was doing you and me a favor.
KITTY: [laughing] So Joanne, how is everything?
JOANNE: It's great! Bob and I are talking about moving in together. Maybe get married and start a family.
KITTY: [serious] Oh... start a family?
BOB: Yeah. It's going to be so fun. There will be another me running around someday.
RED: Oh God No. [everyone looks at him] I mean... Great..
KITTY: Oh Children... Oh My!
*************** FANTASY SEQUENCE *****************************
[Forman Driveway. KITTY playing with various kids in the driveway.]
KITTY: Come on kids! Who wants ice cream?!?!
KIDS: I do! I do! I do!
KITTY: Well you know what you have to do first!!!
KIDS: WE LOVE YOU!
KITTY: [smiles] AND I LOVE YOU!!! Come on kids! Let's go!
[KIDS run to Kitty and hug her. She walks towards her sliding door with the children. Then a whistle is blown. Kids start running away from Kitty towards the Pinciotti's place. You see the kids clinging onto Bob.]
BOB: Thanks Kitty for playing with them! Since you can't have kids of your own! Come on kids! Say Bye bye to Kitty!
KIDS: Bye bye Kitty!
KITTY: Bye bye kids!!! [drowns out Bye bye Kids]
*************** FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS ************************
BOB: Yeah. Donna doesn't know. She just got home and everything. Yeah... Kitty I heard about your problem. And I'm sorry. Maybe if you take some medicine it'll go away.
[Everyone stares at him. Kitty starting to get mad and upset. Red looks ready. Joanne and Bob looks scared]
KITTY: OH MY GOD! GET OUT! GET OUT! [points to the door] GET OUT!
[Joanne and Bob get up and run out of the living room front door. Bob stops]
BOB: Thank you for the lovely evening!
[Joanne pulls Bob outside]
RED: [hugs Kitty] Now calm down. Now they won't come back again... [realizes it] Ah well. Too bad then.
KITTY: [looking at door where Bob and Joanne left] Dumbasses!!!
************************************************
[Forman Basement. 360 -Circle. Hyde, FEZ, Eric, and Kelso.]
ERIC: Well you guys. Today has been my day. I did not get in trouble at all.
FEZ: Oh Eric. You are so lucky. American boy here ruined my chance with an enchanting goddess. [points to KELSO] Damn you!!! [shakes fingers]
HYDE: [cutting FEZ off] Let me FEZ. [looks at KELSO] You son of a bitch! Heh Heh Yeah... I always wanted to do that.
KELSO: Nu-Uh! I offered to take your troubles away. Fine! This is the last time I'll help you in a situation.
ERIC: You were helping him?
KELSO: Yeah. Sort of. [chuckles] No.
HYDE: [looks at FEZ] May I?
FEZ: Please.
HYDE: [looks at Kelso and does a wet willy, Kelso screams] Heh Heh.. wanted to do that too.
************************************************
[Jackie's bedroom. Donna and Jackie are on the bed.]
JACKIE: Donna, I wish Steven would tell me things.
DONNA: I don't see why he should. You're controlling!
JACKIE: I am not! I just want him to tell me everything and then see what I can do about it. Like if he wants to go out with the guys and I want him to spend time with me, he'd spend time with me. If we want to watch a love story instead of horror, we'd watch the - wait. No that won't work.
DONNA: Oh good. At least you draw the line.
JACKIE: No... any place we'd make out.
DONNA: Okay EW.
JACKIE: I wish Steven would tell me things. I mean... I would tell him everything cuz I love hi- anyways... you know what Eric did?
DONNA: Oh my God! You love Hyde?
JACKIE: No I don't! I don't love Steven! I... I... Eric read your diary!
************************************************
