Episode 8: Mother May I?
*******************************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Red, Hyde, Kitty and Eric are eating at the table. Hyde and Eric are grabbing food all over]
HYDE: Hey you hear what happened to Simon Wilson? He accidently ate bad cheese and puked all over the cafeteria. [pause] Yup. It was great man.
KITTY: Well that's not nice. I don't think you should discuss excretion at the table.
ERIC: Yeah. We shouldn't talk about Simon like that.
KITTY: Thank you.
ERIC: Hey Hyde, too bad you didn't see Kelso slip on it and slid across the room. [They laugh]
HYDE: Good stuff!
RED: For the love of God, can we eat in peace without ANY interruptions from any of you kids.
ERIC / HYDE: Sure thing dad / Alright. [they are quiet and eating]
[Jackie enters from the sliding door]
JACKIE: [excited] Steven! I have something GREAT to tell you!
RED: [Annoyed] Ah geez.
ERIC: Don't look at me dad. She's Hyde's.
JACKIE: What were you guys talking about?
ERIC: Your hair.
JACKIE: Really?!?!
ERIC: Yeah.
HYDE: What do you want Jackie?
JACKIE: Guess who's coming back to Wisconsin!?!
HYDE: Jackie I don't want---
JACKIE: Guess!!!
ERIC: Who wants to come back to Wisconsin?
RED: Who cares?
HYDE: I don't know... umm
RED: Oh for the love of God! Who is coming back to Wisconsin?
JACKIE: My mother!
[ RED / KITTY / ERIC / HYDE groan quietly]
[opening credits]
*******************************************************************
[Forman basement. Hyde, Jackie, Donna, FEZ, Kelso, Eric. Hyde is on the washing machine. Jackie, Eric, Donna are on the couch. FEZ and Kelso are playing with a ball behind the couch.]
DONNA: So your mom is coming back.
JACKIE: Yup. She's flying from the Bahamas. Me and her are going to visit my dad and she's going to work on his finances.
ERIC: The Bahamas! They were voted the number two singles party. [looks at Donna and Jackie who look at him] and they serve the BEST drinks there.
JACKIE: Yeah and she gets to meet Steven. [gets up and goes to Hyde] Now... we need to buy you a white dress shirt... new black shoes...
HYDE: Jackie... why can't I go in what I'm wearing right now?
JACKIE: Steven. I want my mother to love you and see how great you and I are together!
HYDE: You're saying she wouldn't like me if I didn't conform?
JACKIE: Steven! My mother is going to love you!
HYDE: So why does it matter what I wear?
JACKIE: Steven... [holds his hand] Of course it matters.
KELSO: That is true. Damn. If I didn't have my good looks and sense of style, I'd just be a boy with brains.
JACKIE: [points at Kelso] See! [to Hyde] You are my boyfriend now. As your girlfriend, I'm going to help you with your sense of style! Now! I'm going to go shopping for you! [kisses his cheek and starts to leave] This is going to be so much fun! [leaves through door]
FEZ: Oh Hyde. You are going to be so pretty.
HYDE: I don't get it man. She's trying to make me into what I'm not.
DONNA: Hyde. She just wants you to look good for her mother.
KELSO: Yeah. When I met Jackie's mother, I was so polite. She instantly liked me.
********************************* PAST SEQUENCE *********************************
[Just Kelso sitting at a table and looking at a lady [lady is not seen and not heard]]
KELSO: Wow Mrs. Burkhart. What a lovely home you have. Jackie never told me how hot you were. Because damn! [pauses] Oh no Mrs. Burkhart I wasn't looking at your chest. You have a lovely che-necklace! Those are HUGE pearls. Mind if I take a gander? [reaches to look and hands slap his hand away] Oh okay. [Food on the table] So what are these? Escargo? What's that? [eats it and spits it out towards Mrs. Burkhart] Snails?! Oh sorry! Here let me get that. [Kelso reaches over and moves his hand around and smiles devishly and gets slapped in the face] It was an accident! Damn!
**************************** PAST SEQUENCE ENDS***************************
KELSO: Yup. We had good times. She loved me.
HYDE: You're an idiot.
ERIC: Anyone remember how Jackie's mother is like?
FEZ: I remember she was a Goddess.
KELSO: Yeah. She was hot!
DONNA: Geez. I can't believe you guys are so crazy about Jackie's mother.
FEZ: Aw. Don't be jealous Donna. Your mother was hot too.
DONNA: FEZ! [hits him]
FEZ: Aiy!
DONNA: I mean personality wise.
KELSO: I don't remember. She was kind of like Jackie.
ERIC: Like Jackie?
DONNA / ERIC: Oh God.
FEZ: Why are all the pretty things so horrible?
*******************************************************************
[Forman living room. Red and Kitty are in the living room. Red is watching TV. Kitty is sewing.
RED: It's cold in here.
KITTY: Yeah. It is. Did you turn on the heater?
RED: Yeah. I'll go check that later.
[Kitty looks up at Red like she had an idea.]
RED: [turns to see Kitty looking at him] No.
KITTY: I didn't say anything.
RED: You were thinking of something.
KITTY: I think---
RED: No.
KITTY: Hear me out---
RED: No.
KITTY: [menopausal] Red.
RED: What now Kitty?
KITTY: I think we should invite Jackie's mother to dinner.
RED: Why? Why do we always have to invite people? It's not like we're pleasant people. We don't have to invite people.
KITTY: It's not for us. It's for Steven. He and Jackie are going out now and he needs to impress her. What other way to impress her than to invite her over to dinner?
RED: Just leave Steven to do his own thing. He's a big boy now. He doesn't need our help.
KITTY: Red Forman. We're having dinner party with them tonight! [gets up and heads to the kitchen]
[Hyde comes from the kitchen]
HYDE: Mrs. Forman, it's cold in here.
KITTY: Oh Steven! We're having Mrs. Burkhart for dinner! Isn't that exciting?
HYDE: Mrs. Forman. We don't have to invite her. I'm going over to Jackie's house to meet her.
RED: [gets up] See! He doesn't need us. Good for you Steven.
KITTY: But Steven. Jackie's mother doesn't know how to cook well and Jackie...well... she's Jackie. Don't you want a traditional meal?
HYDE: Mrs. Forman---
KITTY: [menopausal] CUZ YOU NEED A TRADITIONAL MEAL! LOOK AT YOU! ALL SKIN AND BONES! AND JACKIE! SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S NOT CARRYING ANYTHING. IT'S LIKE TWO CHEW BONES WALKING TOGETHER!
HYDE: [scared] That's a great idea Mrs. Forman. Thank you. I'll call Jackie and tell her that.
KITTY: [stops menopausal and smiles] Oh... yay! [jumps up and down] We get to have a dinner party! [goes into the kitchen]
RED: Ah Dammit. Women... can't live with them... [pauses]
[Hyde waits for Red to finish the sentence. LONG PAUSE]
RED: [looks at Hyde] What? She has menopause! Oh fine. Can't live without them.
*******************************************************************
[Jackie's room. Jackie and Hyde. Standing up. Jackie and Hyde are talking.]
JACKIE: Okay Steven. I'm going to be asking you some questions that my mother would ask you.
HYDE: Alright.
JACKIE: Okay... this one is really important. What do you think of my hair?
HYDE: Jackie... I'm not doing this.
JACKIE: Steven... [tugs on him] Fine. Don't need to answer that. I know my hair is amazing. But remember what I told you.
HYDE: Be myself?
JACKIE: No! Of course not!
[Mrs. Burkhart walks in drunkingly sobber.]
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie, have you seen the vodka? [sees Hyde] Oh and who is this?
JACKIE: Mom, this is my boyfriend, Steven. Steven, this is my mother.
MRS. BURKHART: So you are Steven?
HYDE: [sticks out hand] Nice to meet you Mrs. Burkhart.
MRS. BURKHART: shake his hand and looks at Hyde] Oh it's so nice to finally meet you. Jackie has told so much about you. [looks at him closely] Sideburns. How lovely.
HYDE: Yup, been growing it since I was twelve.
MRS. BURKHART: [sarcastically] Lovely. [pauses] Yes... it gives this Elvis look to you.
HYDE: Well he's the king.
JACKIE: So mom, the Formans invited us to dinner tonight.
MRS. BURKHART: Who?
JACKIE: You remember Red and Kitty Forman.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh good. [looks at Jackie] It's so nice to know you are still helping the less fortunate. Well then. I guess we'll all go tonight. Will you be attending, Steven?
HYDE: Yeah.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh... then how lovely. Champange anyone? I sure need a glass.
HYDE: That makes two of us.
JACKIE: [notices the akwardness] So! Steven, why don't you go tell Mrs. Forman we'll be there and I'll see you later.
HYDE: Okay. Bye Mrs. Burkhart.
JACKIE: Soooo... mom... what do you think of Steven?
MRS. BURKHART: Honey, if you were so upset about your father you shouldn't had just dated the first man you see.
JACKIE: [shocked] What?
MRS. BURKHART: Is it because of your break-up with Michael?
JACKIE: Didn't you compare Steven to the King?
MRS. BURKHART: Yes Jackie, but look at the King now. He's old.
JACKIE: Mom, I care about Steven.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh there you go again with helping the less fortunate. I am so proud of you to be helping your community. Now be a dear and go fetch me some vodka.
[Jackie groans and walks out of her room]
[commercial]
*******************************************************************
[Forman basement. Red working on the heater. Kitty comes down and stops on the steps.]
KITTY: So Red. Is the heater fixed?
RED: I'm working on it Kitty.
KITTY: Well, be quick. We have guests coming over.
RED: [looks at her] Kitty please. This takes a lot of work and skill. [Red turns back to the heater and something drops] Oops. [picks it up and turns to Kitty and giggles nervously] Minor glitch.
*******************************************************************
[Later on. Forman Basement. Eric, Donna, FEZ, and Kelso are all talking. Eric and Donna are on the couch. FEZ and Kelso are playing with some sort of rope.]
DONNA: Eric, it's so cold in here.
KELSO: Yeah Eric. Why is it so cold?
FEZ: Yes. I can see your nipples through your shirt.
ERIC: Heater doesn't work. I wonder how dinner will be tonight? Jackie and Big Jackie together with our family.
DONNA: It shouldn't be so bad.
KELSO: Yeah. Jackie's mom is hot!
FEZ: I can just imagine it now.
******************FANTASY SEQUENCE********************************
[Forman dining room. There's Red, Eric, Hyde, Mrs. Forman, Jackie and Jackie's mom **Jackie's mom is Jackie wearing older clothes and make-up**]
MR. FORMAN: So Jackie's mother, what do you think of Hyde?
MRS. FORMAN: He's a good boy!
MRS. BURKHART: I see. Yes, he's alright. But Jackie dear. There is someone else in mind I have for you.
ERIC: Oh no. Whoever could it be???
HYDE: Please don't tell me.
MRS. BURKHART: OH FEZ!!!
[FEZ comes out from the kitchen]
JACKIE: YAY!!!
HYDE: Not again!
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie. He's not for you! He's for me!
JACKIE: Oh mother! I want to be with FEZ!
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie! No! He's mine!
FEZ: Ladies! You can both have me!
JACKIE / MRS. BURKHART: YAY!
DONNA: [comes in] FEZ! I want you too!
FEZ: There's always room for more!
*********************FANTASY ENDS*****************************
[FEZ is smiling. Donna hits FEZ. Jackie comes in.]
JACKIE: Donna. I need to talk to you!
DONNA: I guess that's my cue. [looks at Eric] I wonder what she wants to talk about.
JACKIE: [yelling from the door] DONNA!
DONNA: [gets up and follows Jackie]
*******************************************************************
[Pinciotti Kitchen. Donna and Jackie are sitting at the table.]
DONNA: Problems with your mom?
JACKIE: I don't know what to do. I tell her how I feel and she just rejects everything I say. It's so revolting. She never listens to me when I'm talking to her.
DONNA: Jackie, I think -
JACKIE: Donna! SHHH! I'm talking! [pauses and lays her head on Donna] What do I do?
DONNA: She is your mother. You should just make her listen.
JACKIE: Oh Donna! It's just so hard! She is so involved in herself! I'm so glad I did not get that trait.
DONNA: [sarcastically] Yeah. We are all glad that you didn't.
*******************************************************************
[Forman basement. Eric, Kelso, FEZ are at the same place. Hyde comes in and looks weirded out.]
ERIC: Hey Hyde.
KELSO: You okay man?
HYDE: Yeah. Just met Jackie's mom.
ERIC: It's okay Hyde. It's just a bigger evil version of Jackie.
KELSO: Want us to get your mind off it?
FEZ: What can we do?
[360 Circle. Hyde, Eric, Kelso and Fez.]
HYDE: Yup. Feeling better already. Damn it's cold.
ERIC: [laughs] Yeah. [shows a tub of ice cream] I was thinking that it's so cold outside and the inside of my body is hot and so I figured I want them to balance out. So I'm eating ice cream, so that my insides will equal out to my outside.
FEZ: [eating ice cream] Oohh... and it is working.
[Hyde smiles in approval]
KELSO: [laughs] Hey Hyde you ready for tonight?
ERIC: I'm sure you'll be fine. You date Jackie. So I think you are able to face anything.
FEZ: [still eating ice cream and stops and smiles] Oh. I feel it.
ERIC: [nodds and smiles and laughs] See. You can feel the balance.
KELSO: [eating ice cream] Oh man this is awesome. Now I'm just overall cold man!
HYDE: I think I'm ready man.
KELSO: [hands him the ice cream] Good, because it feels cool man.
HYDE: Not that idiot. I mean for Jackie's mom. [grabs the ice cream and takes a spoonful of it. [smiles] Yeah. I can feel it now.
[Kitty's voice from above.]
KITTY: Boys! Come get ready for Jackie's mother coming!
[Hyde and Eric look at each other worried]
*******************************************************************
[Forman dining room, sitting down with dinner. Red, Eric, Hyde, Kitty, Jackie, and Mrs. Burkhart. Everyone is looking at each other uncomfortably, except Hyde and Eric are eating franticly. Everyone stares at them.]
ERIC: [to Kitty] Mom pass the carrots. [chewing]
[Kitty passes it to Eric]
HYDE: Red, pass me the peas please.
[Red passes it to Hyde. Hyde pours pratically half of it onto his plate. Jackie eyes open wide knowing what they did]
MRS. BURKHART: My. What an appetite.
KITTY: [laughs and smiles at Mrs. Burkhart] So... How does it feel to be back in Point Place?
MRS. BURKHART: Well... now I remember it was terribly cold like it is in here, but I understand with your situation.
RED: [drops fork and spoon on plate] Situation?
ERIC: [looks at Red and then at Mrs. Burkhart] Uh-Oh... you're in trouble now.
KITTY: Red... [smiles]
JACKIE: [looks at Mrs. Forman] Thank you for the dinner Mrs. Forman.
MRS. BURKHART: Yes. This is a delicious meal Kitty.
KITTY: Why thank you.
MRS. BURKHART: I needed time away from the fancy resturants and try some real working class American food.
KITTY: [looking annoyed and drops the forks and spoons in a menopausal way] What?
RED: Kitty...
MRS. BURKHART: So, Steven. Jackie tells me you are a scholar at school.
[Eric giggles]
HYDE: What? I am? [Jackie kicks him under the table] Ow! Yeah. I do okay.
KITTY: Okay? Steven is very smart.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh. I see. That's wonderful.
RED: Yup and then he'll move out of here.
MRS. BURKHART: Excuse me? Steven lives here?
HYDE: Yeah. Mr. and Mrs. Forman took me in when my parents took off.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh. So you are an orphan? [laughs] Oh Good. Jackie dear. May I have a word with you? [gets up and goes to the kitchen]
JACKIE: [gets up] Okay. [They are out of sight]
KITTY: Well... I think that went well.
RED: What the hell is wrong with that woman?
KITTY: Red... calm down. I mean you try dealing with a hot flash around this woman!
HYDE: I think I'll go to my room. [gets up and leaves]
RED: I swear. It seems like she has the menopause.
[Kitty stares angry at him]
ERIC: Dad...[sighs] Nooooo...
*******************************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Jackie and Mrs. Burkhart.]
JACKIE: Mom what's wrong?
MRS. BURKHART: Break up with him.
JACKIE: What? No!
MRS. BURKHART: Dear. Is it because I'm never here? Are you mad at me?
JACKIE: No! I'm not trying to get revenge on you. I care about Steven.
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie! Sideburns!
JACKIE: Mom! I like the sideburns!
MRS. BURKHART: No you don't!
JACKIE: Okay I don't! But I want to be with Steven.
MRS. BURKHART: Dear, I know your taste and Steven is not your taste! He's hairy.
JACKIE: I don't care! You don't know me at all!
MRS. BURKHART: Honey. Think about the future.
JACKIE: Don't you think I have? I have everything prepared for myself. Mom, I am with someone who makes me happy and yes he's hairy, yes he has sideburns, and yes he's an orphan, but he is my boyfriend and he makes me happy. He was here for me when you weren't.
MRS. BURKHART: Well... I guess my opinion doesn't matter anymore. So you don't need me anymore.
JACKIE: Mom. No. It's not that. I need you. You're my mother. I'll always need you.
MRS. BURKHART: [sigh] You're probably right. Someone needs to help with your clothes. [sighs] You are growing up so fast. [they hug]
JACKIE: [hugging] I know mom. Thanks mom. But... I really want to be with Steven.
MRS. BURKHART: Fine. I can't stop you. Well at least he's not like Michael Kelso. I couldn't stand him. He kept staring at my pearls. I felt like he was going to rob me. I'll go back and talk to the Formans. [Mrs. Burkhart goes back to the dining room]
JACKIE: What does she mean by clothes?
[Hyde comes from the living room to the kitchen.]
HYDE: Hey.
[Jackie hugs Hyde tightly and smiles]
HYDE: Wow... your mom should come more often.
*******************************************************************
[Closing credits]
[At the door of the Formans. Mrs. Burkhart is leaving. Red and Kitty are at the door.]
MRS. BURKHART: Thank you so much Red and Kitty. I had a wonderful time!
RED: Good to hear you did.
KITTY: Yeah. We had a lovely time with you too.
MRS. BURKHART: Yes... whenever I feel like something traditional I'll always call you.
KITTY: That is so nice of you.
MRS. BURKHART: Just helping my fellow woman!
[Kitty looks annoyed]
RED: Alright. Good bye Mrs. Burkhart.
[Red opens door. Fez is waiting outside.]
FEZ: Hello Mrs. Burkhart. I am FEZ. I am Jackie's friend. May I take you home?
MRS. BURKHART: Oh how nice! [turns to look to the Formans] Jackie called for a chaffuer for me! Well... ta ta!
[FEZ winks and takes Mrs. Burkhart's arm]
*******************************************************************
*******************************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Red, Hyde, Kitty and Eric are eating at the table. Hyde and Eric are grabbing food all over]
HYDE: Hey you hear what happened to Simon Wilson? He accidently ate bad cheese and puked all over the cafeteria. [pause] Yup. It was great man.
KITTY: Well that's not nice. I don't think you should discuss excretion at the table.
ERIC: Yeah. We shouldn't talk about Simon like that.
KITTY: Thank you.
ERIC: Hey Hyde, too bad you didn't see Kelso slip on it and slid across the room. [They laugh]
HYDE: Good stuff!
RED: For the love of God, can we eat in peace without ANY interruptions from any of you kids.
ERIC / HYDE: Sure thing dad / Alright. [they are quiet and eating]
[Jackie enters from the sliding door]
JACKIE: [excited] Steven! I have something GREAT to tell you!
RED: [Annoyed] Ah geez.
ERIC: Don't look at me dad. She's Hyde's.
JACKIE: What were you guys talking about?
ERIC: Your hair.
JACKIE: Really?!?!
ERIC: Yeah.
HYDE: What do you want Jackie?
JACKIE: Guess who's coming back to Wisconsin!?!
HYDE: Jackie I don't want---
JACKIE: Guess!!!
ERIC: Who wants to come back to Wisconsin?
RED: Who cares?
HYDE: I don't know... umm
RED: Oh for the love of God! Who is coming back to Wisconsin?
JACKIE: My mother!
[ RED / KITTY / ERIC / HYDE groan quietly]
[opening credits]
*******************************************************************
[Forman basement. Hyde, Jackie, Donna, FEZ, Kelso, Eric. Hyde is on the washing machine. Jackie, Eric, Donna are on the couch. FEZ and Kelso are playing with a ball behind the couch.]
DONNA: So your mom is coming back.
JACKIE: Yup. She's flying from the Bahamas. Me and her are going to visit my dad and she's going to work on his finances.
ERIC: The Bahamas! They were voted the number two singles party. [looks at Donna and Jackie who look at him] and they serve the BEST drinks there.
JACKIE: Yeah and she gets to meet Steven. [gets up and goes to Hyde] Now... we need to buy you a white dress shirt... new black shoes...
HYDE: Jackie... why can't I go in what I'm wearing right now?
JACKIE: Steven. I want my mother to love you and see how great you and I are together!
HYDE: You're saying she wouldn't like me if I didn't conform?
JACKIE: Steven! My mother is going to love you!
HYDE: So why does it matter what I wear?
JACKIE: Steven... [holds his hand] Of course it matters.
KELSO: That is true. Damn. If I didn't have my good looks and sense of style, I'd just be a boy with brains.
JACKIE: [points at Kelso] See! [to Hyde] You are my boyfriend now. As your girlfriend, I'm going to help you with your sense of style! Now! I'm going to go shopping for you! [kisses his cheek and starts to leave] This is going to be so much fun! [leaves through door]
FEZ: Oh Hyde. You are going to be so pretty.
HYDE: I don't get it man. She's trying to make me into what I'm not.
DONNA: Hyde. She just wants you to look good for her mother.
KELSO: Yeah. When I met Jackie's mother, I was so polite. She instantly liked me.
********************************* PAST SEQUENCE *********************************
[Just Kelso sitting at a table and looking at a lady [lady is not seen and not heard]]
KELSO: Wow Mrs. Burkhart. What a lovely home you have. Jackie never told me how hot you were. Because damn! [pauses] Oh no Mrs. Burkhart I wasn't looking at your chest. You have a lovely che-necklace! Those are HUGE pearls. Mind if I take a gander? [reaches to look and hands slap his hand away] Oh okay. [Food on the table] So what are these? Escargo? What's that? [eats it and spits it out towards Mrs. Burkhart] Snails?! Oh sorry! Here let me get that. [Kelso reaches over and moves his hand around and smiles devishly and gets slapped in the face] It was an accident! Damn!
**************************** PAST SEQUENCE ENDS***************************
KELSO: Yup. We had good times. She loved me.
HYDE: You're an idiot.
ERIC: Anyone remember how Jackie's mother is like?
FEZ: I remember she was a Goddess.
KELSO: Yeah. She was hot!
DONNA: Geez. I can't believe you guys are so crazy about Jackie's mother.
FEZ: Aw. Don't be jealous Donna. Your mother was hot too.
DONNA: FEZ! [hits him]
FEZ: Aiy!
DONNA: I mean personality wise.
KELSO: I don't remember. She was kind of like Jackie.
ERIC: Like Jackie?
DONNA / ERIC: Oh God.
FEZ: Why are all the pretty things so horrible?
*******************************************************************
[Forman living room. Red and Kitty are in the living room. Red is watching TV. Kitty is sewing.
RED: It's cold in here.
KITTY: Yeah. It is. Did you turn on the heater?
RED: Yeah. I'll go check that later.
[Kitty looks up at Red like she had an idea.]
RED: [turns to see Kitty looking at him] No.
KITTY: I didn't say anything.
RED: You were thinking of something.
KITTY: I think---
RED: No.
KITTY: Hear me out---
RED: No.
KITTY: [menopausal] Red.
RED: What now Kitty?
KITTY: I think we should invite Jackie's mother to dinner.
RED: Why? Why do we always have to invite people? It's not like we're pleasant people. We don't have to invite people.
KITTY: It's not for us. It's for Steven. He and Jackie are going out now and he needs to impress her. What other way to impress her than to invite her over to dinner?
RED: Just leave Steven to do his own thing. He's a big boy now. He doesn't need our help.
KITTY: Red Forman. We're having dinner party with them tonight! [gets up and heads to the kitchen]
[Hyde comes from the kitchen]
HYDE: Mrs. Forman, it's cold in here.
KITTY: Oh Steven! We're having Mrs. Burkhart for dinner! Isn't that exciting?
HYDE: Mrs. Forman. We don't have to invite her. I'm going over to Jackie's house to meet her.
RED: [gets up] See! He doesn't need us. Good for you Steven.
KITTY: But Steven. Jackie's mother doesn't know how to cook well and Jackie...well... she's Jackie. Don't you want a traditional meal?
HYDE: Mrs. Forman---
KITTY: [menopausal] CUZ YOU NEED A TRADITIONAL MEAL! LOOK AT YOU! ALL SKIN AND BONES! AND JACKIE! SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S NOT CARRYING ANYTHING. IT'S LIKE TWO CHEW BONES WALKING TOGETHER!
HYDE: [scared] That's a great idea Mrs. Forman. Thank you. I'll call Jackie and tell her that.
KITTY: [stops menopausal and smiles] Oh... yay! [jumps up and down] We get to have a dinner party! [goes into the kitchen]
RED: Ah Dammit. Women... can't live with them... [pauses]
[Hyde waits for Red to finish the sentence. LONG PAUSE]
RED: [looks at Hyde] What? She has menopause! Oh fine. Can't live without them.
*******************************************************************
[Jackie's room. Jackie and Hyde. Standing up. Jackie and Hyde are talking.]
JACKIE: Okay Steven. I'm going to be asking you some questions that my mother would ask you.
HYDE: Alright.
JACKIE: Okay... this one is really important. What do you think of my hair?
HYDE: Jackie... I'm not doing this.
JACKIE: Steven... [tugs on him] Fine. Don't need to answer that. I know my hair is amazing. But remember what I told you.
HYDE: Be myself?
JACKIE: No! Of course not!
[Mrs. Burkhart walks in drunkingly sobber.]
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie, have you seen the vodka? [sees Hyde] Oh and who is this?
JACKIE: Mom, this is my boyfriend, Steven. Steven, this is my mother.
MRS. BURKHART: So you are Steven?
HYDE: [sticks out hand] Nice to meet you Mrs. Burkhart.
MRS. BURKHART: shake his hand and looks at Hyde] Oh it's so nice to finally meet you. Jackie has told so much about you. [looks at him closely] Sideburns. How lovely.
HYDE: Yup, been growing it since I was twelve.
MRS. BURKHART: [sarcastically] Lovely. [pauses] Yes... it gives this Elvis look to you.
HYDE: Well he's the king.
JACKIE: So mom, the Formans invited us to dinner tonight.
MRS. BURKHART: Who?
JACKIE: You remember Red and Kitty Forman.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh good. [looks at Jackie] It's so nice to know you are still helping the less fortunate. Well then. I guess we'll all go tonight. Will you be attending, Steven?
HYDE: Yeah.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh... then how lovely. Champange anyone? I sure need a glass.
HYDE: That makes two of us.
JACKIE: [notices the akwardness] So! Steven, why don't you go tell Mrs. Forman we'll be there and I'll see you later.
HYDE: Okay. Bye Mrs. Burkhart.
JACKIE: Soooo... mom... what do you think of Steven?
MRS. BURKHART: Honey, if you were so upset about your father you shouldn't had just dated the first man you see.
JACKIE: [shocked] What?
MRS. BURKHART: Is it because of your break-up with Michael?
JACKIE: Didn't you compare Steven to the King?
MRS. BURKHART: Yes Jackie, but look at the King now. He's old.
JACKIE: Mom, I care about Steven.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh there you go again with helping the less fortunate. I am so proud of you to be helping your community. Now be a dear and go fetch me some vodka.
[Jackie groans and walks out of her room]
[commercial]
*******************************************************************
[Forman basement. Red working on the heater. Kitty comes down and stops on the steps.]
KITTY: So Red. Is the heater fixed?
RED: I'm working on it Kitty.
KITTY: Well, be quick. We have guests coming over.
RED: [looks at her] Kitty please. This takes a lot of work and skill. [Red turns back to the heater and something drops] Oops. [picks it up and turns to Kitty and giggles nervously] Minor glitch.
*******************************************************************
[Later on. Forman Basement. Eric, Donna, FEZ, and Kelso are all talking. Eric and Donna are on the couch. FEZ and Kelso are playing with some sort of rope.]
DONNA: Eric, it's so cold in here.
KELSO: Yeah Eric. Why is it so cold?
FEZ: Yes. I can see your nipples through your shirt.
ERIC: Heater doesn't work. I wonder how dinner will be tonight? Jackie and Big Jackie together with our family.
DONNA: It shouldn't be so bad.
KELSO: Yeah. Jackie's mom is hot!
FEZ: I can just imagine it now.
******************FANTASY SEQUENCE********************************
[Forman dining room. There's Red, Eric, Hyde, Mrs. Forman, Jackie and Jackie's mom **Jackie's mom is Jackie wearing older clothes and make-up**]
MR. FORMAN: So Jackie's mother, what do you think of Hyde?
MRS. FORMAN: He's a good boy!
MRS. BURKHART: I see. Yes, he's alright. But Jackie dear. There is someone else in mind I have for you.
ERIC: Oh no. Whoever could it be???
HYDE: Please don't tell me.
MRS. BURKHART: OH FEZ!!!
[FEZ comes out from the kitchen]
JACKIE: YAY!!!
HYDE: Not again!
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie. He's not for you! He's for me!
JACKIE: Oh mother! I want to be with FEZ!
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie! No! He's mine!
FEZ: Ladies! You can both have me!
JACKIE / MRS. BURKHART: YAY!
DONNA: [comes in] FEZ! I want you too!
FEZ: There's always room for more!
*********************FANTASY ENDS*****************************
[FEZ is smiling. Donna hits FEZ. Jackie comes in.]
JACKIE: Donna. I need to talk to you!
DONNA: I guess that's my cue. [looks at Eric] I wonder what she wants to talk about.
JACKIE: [yelling from the door] DONNA!
DONNA: [gets up and follows Jackie]
*******************************************************************
[Pinciotti Kitchen. Donna and Jackie are sitting at the table.]
DONNA: Problems with your mom?
JACKIE: I don't know what to do. I tell her how I feel and she just rejects everything I say. It's so revolting. She never listens to me when I'm talking to her.
DONNA: Jackie, I think -
JACKIE: Donna! SHHH! I'm talking! [pauses and lays her head on Donna] What do I do?
DONNA: She is your mother. You should just make her listen.
JACKIE: Oh Donna! It's just so hard! She is so involved in herself! I'm so glad I did not get that trait.
DONNA: [sarcastically] Yeah. We are all glad that you didn't.
*******************************************************************
[Forman basement. Eric, Kelso, FEZ are at the same place. Hyde comes in and looks weirded out.]
ERIC: Hey Hyde.
KELSO: You okay man?
HYDE: Yeah. Just met Jackie's mom.
ERIC: It's okay Hyde. It's just a bigger evil version of Jackie.
KELSO: Want us to get your mind off it?
FEZ: What can we do?
[360 Circle. Hyde, Eric, Kelso and Fez.]
HYDE: Yup. Feeling better already. Damn it's cold.
ERIC: [laughs] Yeah. [shows a tub of ice cream] I was thinking that it's so cold outside and the inside of my body is hot and so I figured I want them to balance out. So I'm eating ice cream, so that my insides will equal out to my outside.
FEZ: [eating ice cream] Oohh... and it is working.
[Hyde smiles in approval]
KELSO: [laughs] Hey Hyde you ready for tonight?
ERIC: I'm sure you'll be fine. You date Jackie. So I think you are able to face anything.
FEZ: [still eating ice cream and stops and smiles] Oh. I feel it.
ERIC: [nodds and smiles and laughs] See. You can feel the balance.
KELSO: [eating ice cream] Oh man this is awesome. Now I'm just overall cold man!
HYDE: I think I'm ready man.
KELSO: [hands him the ice cream] Good, because it feels cool man.
HYDE: Not that idiot. I mean for Jackie's mom. [grabs the ice cream and takes a spoonful of it. [smiles] Yeah. I can feel it now.
[Kitty's voice from above.]
KITTY: Boys! Come get ready for Jackie's mother coming!
[Hyde and Eric look at each other worried]
*******************************************************************
[Forman dining room, sitting down with dinner. Red, Eric, Hyde, Kitty, Jackie, and Mrs. Burkhart. Everyone is looking at each other uncomfortably, except Hyde and Eric are eating franticly. Everyone stares at them.]
ERIC: [to Kitty] Mom pass the carrots. [chewing]
[Kitty passes it to Eric]
HYDE: Red, pass me the peas please.
[Red passes it to Hyde. Hyde pours pratically half of it onto his plate. Jackie eyes open wide knowing what they did]
MRS. BURKHART: My. What an appetite.
KITTY: [laughs and smiles at Mrs. Burkhart] So... How does it feel to be back in Point Place?
MRS. BURKHART: Well... now I remember it was terribly cold like it is in here, but I understand with your situation.
RED: [drops fork and spoon on plate] Situation?
ERIC: [looks at Red and then at Mrs. Burkhart] Uh-Oh... you're in trouble now.
KITTY: Red... [smiles]
JACKIE: [looks at Mrs. Forman] Thank you for the dinner Mrs. Forman.
MRS. BURKHART: Yes. This is a delicious meal Kitty.
KITTY: Why thank you.
MRS. BURKHART: I needed time away from the fancy resturants and try some real working class American food.
KITTY: [looking annoyed and drops the forks and spoons in a menopausal way] What?
RED: Kitty...
MRS. BURKHART: So, Steven. Jackie tells me you are a scholar at school.
[Eric giggles]
HYDE: What? I am? [Jackie kicks him under the table] Ow! Yeah. I do okay.
KITTY: Okay? Steven is very smart.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh. I see. That's wonderful.
RED: Yup and then he'll move out of here.
MRS. BURKHART: Excuse me? Steven lives here?
HYDE: Yeah. Mr. and Mrs. Forman took me in when my parents took off.
MRS. BURKHART: Oh. So you are an orphan? [laughs] Oh Good. Jackie dear. May I have a word with you? [gets up and goes to the kitchen]
JACKIE: [gets up] Okay. [They are out of sight]
KITTY: Well... I think that went well.
RED: What the hell is wrong with that woman?
KITTY: Red... calm down. I mean you try dealing with a hot flash around this woman!
HYDE: I think I'll go to my room. [gets up and leaves]
RED: I swear. It seems like she has the menopause.
[Kitty stares angry at him]
ERIC: Dad...[sighs] Nooooo...
*******************************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Jackie and Mrs. Burkhart.]
JACKIE: Mom what's wrong?
MRS. BURKHART: Break up with him.
JACKIE: What? No!
MRS. BURKHART: Dear. Is it because I'm never here? Are you mad at me?
JACKIE: No! I'm not trying to get revenge on you. I care about Steven.
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie! Sideburns!
JACKIE: Mom! I like the sideburns!
MRS. BURKHART: No you don't!
JACKIE: Okay I don't! But I want to be with Steven.
MRS. BURKHART: Dear, I know your taste and Steven is not your taste! He's hairy.
JACKIE: I don't care! You don't know me at all!
MRS. BURKHART: Honey. Think about the future.
JACKIE: Don't you think I have? I have everything prepared for myself. Mom, I am with someone who makes me happy and yes he's hairy, yes he has sideburns, and yes he's an orphan, but he is my boyfriend and he makes me happy. He was here for me when you weren't.
MRS. BURKHART: Well... I guess my opinion doesn't matter anymore. So you don't need me anymore.
JACKIE: Mom. No. It's not that. I need you. You're my mother. I'll always need you.
MRS. BURKHART: [sigh] You're probably right. Someone needs to help with your clothes. [sighs] You are growing up so fast. [they hug]
JACKIE: [hugging] I know mom. Thanks mom. But... I really want to be with Steven.
MRS. BURKHART: Fine. I can't stop you. Well at least he's not like Michael Kelso. I couldn't stand him. He kept staring at my pearls. I felt like he was going to rob me. I'll go back and talk to the Formans. [Mrs. Burkhart goes back to the dining room]
JACKIE: What does she mean by clothes?
[Hyde comes from the living room to the kitchen.]
HYDE: Hey.
[Jackie hugs Hyde tightly and smiles]
HYDE: Wow... your mom should come more often.
*******************************************************************
[Closing credits]
[At the door of the Formans. Mrs. Burkhart is leaving. Red and Kitty are at the door.]
MRS. BURKHART: Thank you so much Red and Kitty. I had a wonderful time!
RED: Good to hear you did.
KITTY: Yeah. We had a lovely time with you too.
MRS. BURKHART: Yes... whenever I feel like something traditional I'll always call you.
KITTY: That is so nice of you.
MRS. BURKHART: Just helping my fellow woman!
[Kitty looks annoyed]
RED: Alright. Good bye Mrs. Burkhart.
[Red opens door. Fez is waiting outside.]
FEZ: Hello Mrs. Burkhart. I am FEZ. I am Jackie's friend. May I take you home?
MRS. BURKHART: Oh how nice! [turns to look to the Formans] Jackie called for a chaffuer for me! Well... ta ta!
[FEZ winks and takes Mrs. Burkhart's arm]
*******************************************************************
