Episode 11: To My Baby
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[Forman Driveway. Hyde, Jackie, Kelso, Donna, FEZ and Eric. Hyde and Kelso are shooting hoops. Eric, Donna, FEZ, Jackie are on the front hood of the vista cruiser. Donna is reading papers.]
KELSO: And then I said, "Your face is like a tomato, tomato head!"
[Gang smile]
FEZ: Oh Kelso, you're so witty.
ERIC: [looks at Donna] Hey Donna. What are you reading?
[Hyde and Kelso stop shooting and stop to look at what Donna is reading]
DONNA: Oh. I'm in charge of this new column in my school paper.
ERIC: Wow Donna. That's so cool.
DONNA: [cocky funny] Yeah! [nods] And get this... it's called, "Dear Donna!"
HYDE: [puts his arm around Jackie] So you're helping people with their problems.
JACKIE: Aw. Donna that's nice of you. I think I should try to do a nice thing like that.
ERIC: Yeah that would be goo-
JACKIE: Eric, shove it!
KELSO: So what did losers write to you about?
DONNA: Shut up Kelso. They just want advice.
FEZ: If a girl ever wrote that she was desperate and wants to do it, I'd write her, "FEZ will take care of you" [does Stallion face]
JACKIE: So what did they write?
DONNA: Well this one guy wrote that he wished he could get this girl to like him. But he thinks she's out of his league. So he wonder what he could do.
HYDE: Forman, did you write Donna a letter?
KELSO: I know, you could tell him FAT CHANCE!
FEZ: Kelso, you know that's mean. If Eric could do it, ANYONE can.
[Eric rolls his eyes]
JACKIE: So what are you going to put?
DONNA: That if she doesn't notice him for who he is. Then she's not worth his time.
[Jackie laughs]
JACKIE: Oh Donna. That's so funny.
DONNA: Jackie, I'm serious.
JACKIE: Donna. We NEED men who pine for us. If you tell the guys who love the popular girls not to like them anymore, then we wouldn't be popular, pretty girls. Like me, Donna!
DONNA: Yeah...
FEZ: [grabs a letter from Donna] Dear Donna, I am lonely. Please send me FEZ. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee.
DONNA: It doesn't say that.
FEZ: Hey! Who is reading it here!
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[Forman Living Room. Red and Bob are watching TV. Eric comes in.]
RED: Eric. Why aren't you doing your chores?
ERIC: Oh dad. Sorry. I have something important to do. I'll do them later.
RED: What do you have planned?
ERIC: Well me and the guys wanted to go to the Hub and hang out.
RED: That is more important that the chores?
ERIC: [looks at Red] No sir.
BOB: Red, be easy on the kid.
RED: Shut up Bob. Eric, you want me to treat you like a grown up. You better start acting like one, not like some dumbass. Once you become a grown up, you're out of this house. Now... go and mow the grass.
ERIC: I love you too daddy.
BOB: Oh Eric. Could you tell Donna I wanna talk to her?
[Eric nods and leaves]
BOB: Red, why do you have to be so hard on the boy. He's a good kid you know.
RED: What do you know Bob. You think banjos are God's greatest gifts.
BOB: They are you know.
[Bob pulls out a banjo. Red rolls his eyes.]
[Credits]
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[Alley outside the Hub. Hyde, FEZ, Kelso are walking through talking and laughing. A UNKNOWN GUY comes in with a large bag looking suspicious and nervous.]
KELSO: And then I said, Hey Donald Duck called, he wants his hat back.
[Guys laugh]
FEZ: How do you do it?
HYDE: Yeah man whatever.
[They notice the unknown guy]
UNKNOWN GUY: Hey. You can have this. [Hands the bag to Hyde] But you didn't get it from me. You do not know who I am.
HYDE: But I don't know who you are.
UNKNOWN GUY: PERFECT man. I nearly fell for it. Remember... you don't know me!
HYDE: But I don't.
UNKNOWN GUY: Man... you're killing me with this. You're awesome man!
[Unknown guy leaves. Hyde, FEZ, Kelso looks confused.]
KELSO: What's in the bag?
FEZ: I hope it's candy.
KELSO: Hey! What if it was nudie magazines? Open the bag!
FEZ: Yes! Open the bag! I want my candy!
HYDE: No. What if it is a government transmitter? Probably tracking us right now.
FEZ: Yes we know about your government exporations! Open the bag! I want my candy!
KELSO: Wait... what if it's a dead body?
FEZ: Nudie here has a point.
[HYDE and FEZ freeze, Hyde drops the bag. The thing thumps.]
HYDE: Oh screw it. I'm opening it.
[Hyde opens it and a bright light shines. He has a LARGE smile. Then he closes it.]
HYDE: It's nothing. I'll just take this home.
FEZ: What is it?
KELSO: Hyde... come on tell us.
HYDE: Fine. [Hyde takes out a plant]
FEZ: Oh it's just a plant.
KELSO: I didn't know you like plants Hyde.
HYDE: No you idiots. Look what kind of plant it is.
[Kelso and FEZ look at it intensely thinking]
HYDE: It's a marijuana plant!
KELSO: Oh man!
FEZ: Oh! It's like growing candy!
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[Pinciotti Kitchen. Donna is working on letters. Jackie comes in from the door.]
JACKIE: Hey Donna. Let's go shopping.
DONNA: I can't right now Jackie. I got to work on these letters. Some of these are actually hard to answer.
JACKIE: [sits down] Maybe I could help. [Jackie reading through some letters]
DONNA: You? Jackie... I don't think...
JACKIE: She should tell the teacher since all the kids are teasing her. [puts letter down]
DONNA: [looks at the letter] Yeah... that is good advice.
JACKIE: Or she could get her big brother to kick their asses.
DONNA: Wow Jackie. Okay. How about this one... 'Dear Donna... I was trying to get this guy to like me. But for some reason... He didn't find me attractive. I don't get it? I wore my teal skirt and favorite orange sweater----
JACKIE: Ewwww... No wonder! Okay! Here is what she should do!
DONNA: Jackie. I didn't finish the letter.
JACKIE: DONNA, do you want my help? [Donna rolls her eyes. Jackie keeps talking]
DONNA: Okay! We'll go shopping.
JACKIE: [puts her stuff down and claps] YAY! [gets up]
[Donna and Jackie leave. Papers are still on the desk. Eric comes in from the living room door.]
ERIC: Donna?
[Eric looks down at the papers. He picks up one and reads it. His eyes widen at one letter in particular. He sits down and reads it.]
GIRL VOICE: Dear Donna, My boyfriend and I broke up because he offered to give me a promise ring, but I didn't feel like being so committed yet. I still wanted to be with him, but I didn't want the ring. What do I do? He refuses to admit that he was wrong! I know I'm not wrong. I still love him. Please help. Sign, Help.
DONNA'S VOICE: Dear Help, I kind of know how you feel. And you know what, you're right and he's wrong. You should not feel stuck in your relationship. Remember, he's wrong! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
[Eric stops and looks up.]
ERIC: Oh God.
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[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is cooking. Red comes in from the living room.]
RED: We're out of popcorn. I swear, Bob is like a disposal service.
[Kitty gets the stuff to make popcorn.]
RED: Kitty, do you think I'm too hard on Eric?
KITTY: Not hard,... overbearing, but not hard.
RED: I just want him to have a bring future with no hardships.
KITTY: [kisses him on the cheek] He knows and he appreciates it.
RED: Cept he has to be a dumbass about it.
KITTY: [laughs] MMMM... Popcorn.
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[Forman Basement. Hyde is watering the plant. FEZ and Kelso are watching him. Jackie is sitting reading a magazine.]
FEZ: How is the fern doing?
HYDE: It's not a fern. It's my baby.
KELSO: [gets up and gets close to the plant] Hyde man! When are we going to use her?
HYDE:[Blocks him] Stay back Kelso. I don't want you to go near her.
JACKIE: Steven! It's just a stupid plant!
HYDE: Shhh... she migt hear you.
JACKIE: [groans] Fine... you can stay with your stupid plant!
HYDE: [whispers to the plant] Don't worry. She's just jealous.
KELSO: I always wanted a pet plant.
FEZ: I had a pet plant once before. I had to throw it away because it peed all over the floor.
[Everyone looked at him weird.]
FEZ: That and it ate the cat. [whispers to himself] Stupid plant bastard.
KITTY: [comes down] Steven.
HYDE: [tries to hide the plant] Yes Mrs. Forman?
KITTY: What are you doing?
HYDE: Nothing. Just talking to my friends.
FEZ: And watering your baby.
HYDE: FEZ!
KITTY: Baby? What baby? [looks over Hyde and sees the plant] Oh Steven! I didn't know you like plants!
KELSO: [to FEZ and Jackie] Just that kind!
HYDE: Mrs. Forman! I can explain.
KITTY: Explain what? This is a healthy little fern! I didn't know you were a plant lover Steven.
HYDE: Of course I am Mrs. Forman.
KITTY: Well... let me see. [She examines each leaf] What a odd looking fern! Steven. If you ever want help taking care of it, I'll give you the extra nutrients that it needs.
HYDE: Thanks Mrs. Forman. I can take care of it.
KITTY: [smells it and eyes blink and then laughs] What an interesting smell. [smells it more and blinks out of it] [Laughs] I'll just... I'll just go now and cook dinner! [almost trips and laughs] [Leaves upstairs]
FEZ: Oiy, that was a close one.
JACKIE: Steven, can we go out now? I need a ride to cheer practice.
FEZ: I'll take you to cheer practice.
JACKIE: FEZ, remember the last time you took me to practice.
FEZ: I promise I will not run under the pyramid.
JACKIE: And...
FEZ: And pretend to be one of the male cheerleaders.
JACKIE: And...
FEZ: And play with their pom poms.
JACKIE: Okay good. [They start to leave from the door and FEZ looks at Kelso and Hyde and smiles and winks]
[Eric comes the door and says bye to Jackie and FEZ]
ERIC: You guys won't believe this.
HYDE: You gained two pounds.
ERIC: Yeah that too. Anyways... I was at Donna's house.
KELSO: Aw man! This must be good! [jumps on the couch to listen intensely] You tried on her underwear!
ERIC: [looks at Kelso and then back at Hyde] There was a letter on the table for Donna for her "Dear Donna" column and the girl had the same situation as Donna and me break up. And you know what Donna put... that I was wrong and she was right!
HYDE: Well, you were wrong and she was right. [smiles]
ERIC: No that's the thing. We never talked about who was right and who was wrong. She has no right saying I was wrong when I was right.
KELSO: Wait... so she was right about being wrong? I'm so lost man! Is this a trick?
HYDE: Man [brings his plant over to the table and sits on his chair] Just forget about it man. It's going to make it worse.
ERIC: I can't. How could I forget about it? How?
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360 Circle.
ERIC: Oh yeah. I can forget.
KELSO: Forget what man?
ERIC: I don't know. What were we talking about?
[Camera to Plant. Remains quiet]
HYDE: Oh yeah. I need a name for her.
KELSO: I know! How about Yolanda! I saw that name for a hot chick before. She was HOT!
ERIC: If I had a plant, I'd name her Donna, because I love her so much. Wait... Aren't I mad at Donna? Wait? Who?
[Camera to Plant. Remains quiet.]
HYDE: I know! I'll name her Fernie! Since she's like a FERN MAN! With the large leaves man!
KELSO: [laughing] Like a fern man! Yeah! I knew a chick name Fernie man... or was it Julie? Wait... was it a man?
ERIC: Wait? Am I mad or not? I'm so confused. I love Donna, right?
[Camera to plant. Remains quiet]
HYDE: It looks like someone is hungry. [pours water on plant]
[Commercial]
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[Donna's Room. Donna is reading over her letters and writing them. Eric opens the door, still high a little bit.]
ERIC: Donna?
DONNA: Hey Eric. What's going on?
ERIC: I am here for you because... because...-- [sees the letters on the bed] Okay. Now I remember. Donna... [points] YOU'RE WRONG! [and then runs into the door trying to go out.] Ow. [turns to Donna] I'm okay. [runs out -- leaves]
[Donna looks weirded out - like What the hell?]
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[Forman Basement. Hyde is on the couch and the plant is on the table. Jackie is sitting next to him.]
JACKIE: Steven, you got to get rid of this plant.
HYDE: Jackie, why should I?
JACKIE: Because it's taking time from us!
HYDE: Can't you see Fernie needs me right now.
JACKIE: I can't believe you named it! [stands up] It's a plant for goodness sake!
HYDE: Jackie, you are hurting her feelings.
JACKIE: Steven! It's a plant! It doesn't have feelings!
HYDE: [hugs Fernie and then lets go] Fine... we'll go out. How about that?
JACKIE: Really Steven?
HYDE: Yes.
[They start to leave and Hyde takes the plant out with them. Jackie stares at him. Hyde puts the plant down and leaves with Jackie through the door. FEZ comes down from the stairs with Kelso.]
KELSO: And then I said, "You're like a wannabe me!"
FEZ: [laughs] Oh Good one!
KELSO: I know. [sees Hyde's plant unattended] Look! It's Fernie. Let's smoke her.
FEZ: [stops him] Hyde would kill us if he found out.
KELSO: Oh come on FEZ. We'll just take one leaf. It's not that he would notice.
FEZ: Hmmm... okay.
[KELSO and FEZ are around the plant touching it]
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[Same scene. Three hours later. FEZ and KELSO are on the couch smiling. The plant looks dead with no leaves at all. All used up.]
KELSO: And then I said, "You're like a sponge, sponge brain!"
FEZ: HAHAHAHA... Genuis!
KELSO: Hey FEZ, lets get another.
FEZ: [looks and sees the plant is completely used] Uhh... Kelso. It is gone! [taps Kelso]
KELSO: [looks] Oh well.
FEZ: Oh well? Oh well? [slaps Kelso] Hyde is going to kill us!
KELSO: [jumps us] Oh no!
FEZ: What are we going to do?
KELSO: I know. I need green paper, glue, and a slinky.
FEZ: Why a slinky?
KELSO: Just because we are doing this, doesn't mean I can't have fun FEZ!
FEZ: Jumps to get the stuff Kelso listed.
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[Same Scene. A few hours later. Jackie and Hyde come inside and see Kelso on the couch.]
KELSO: Hey guys!
JACKIE: Hey.
KELSO: How was shopping?
JACKIE: Oh it was great! I bought Steven some new pants for him to wear when we go out dancing! Right Steven.
HYDE: Jackie... I told you not to tell anybody!
KELSO: Heh Heh BURN!
HYDE: [looks to find Fernie] Hey. Where is Fernie?
KELSO: [jumps up and laughs nervously] That's a funny story.
HYDE: Oh really. [walks toward Kelso, arms crossed] Wanna tell us the funny story?
KELSO: You see... FEZ took it for a walk because it looked tired. And you know FEZ, in his country they have a lot of plants, so he knows how to take care of them. So he took it for a walk.
HYDE: FEZ took MY Fernie for a walk?
KELSO: Yeah.
[FEZ comes in holding a fern (It's NOT Fernie - it is an actual FERN)]
FEZ: We're back from our walk!
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[Forman Kitchen. Eric is at the table drinking coffee. Red comes in from the living room.]
RED: Did you do all the chores?
ERIC: [coming out of the highness] Yes, but you don't have to yell.
RED: Good. [Red takes out his wallet and gives Eric $10] Here.
ERIC: What is this for?
RED: For your chores.
ERIC: Thanks Dad.
RED: You did a good job.
ERIC: Dad... does this mean we're friends?
RED: [puts his hand on Eric]... No. [leaves through to the living room]
[Donna comes in through the slide door, holding letters]
DONNA: Eric, what the hell?
ERIC: Hey Donna. [realizes what he did. He stands up] Hey Donna!
DONNA: I'm wrong? I'm wrong? Wrong about what?
ERIC: Look Donna. I read what you wrote to the girl who had the same break up we did.
DONNA: You read the letters that were written to me?
ERIC: Well... I didn't actually read... it just happen to fall across my hand and my eyes just happened to apprehend what was said on the paper.
DONNA: Eric, those were personal letters.
ERIC: Donna. We didn't resolve who was wrong and who was right. And you wrote that I was wrong wrong wrong?
DONNA: One... you had no right reading what was written to me. Two... They are not us. Three.. I didn't finish that person's letter. Here, I said in the end. [she opens the letter and reads] But you must not also put the fault against him. You are also at fault also, because you must understand what he wants. And if you truly love each other, you'd find a way back to each other, like me and my true love did. [looks at Eric]
ERIC: [smiles] Donna. That's so... wow you actually wrote that?
DONNA: Eric. I mean it.
ERIC: Donna I'm so sorry. I should of talked to you about it.
[They hug]
DONNA: It's okay. Besides... I was right.
[Eric opens his mouth to say something]
DONNA: Don't even think about it.
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[Credits]
[Forman Basement. Kitty and Hyde are in there. The fern is on the washing machine.]
KITTY: [pouring nutrients and water into the plant] And then you poor the nutrients into the fern and then water it.
HYDE: [uninterested] Yes Mrs. Forman.
KITTY: And if you want, [rubs the leaves] You can massage it so it can feel healthy. Come on you try.
HYDE: [uninterested, rubs the leaves]
KITTY: Good!!! I see your fern has grown so well!
[HYDE puts his head down.]
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[Forman Driveway. Hyde, Jackie, Kelso, Donna, FEZ and Eric. Hyde and Kelso are shooting hoops. Eric, Donna, FEZ, Jackie are on the front hood of the vista cruiser. Donna is reading papers.]
KELSO: And then I said, "Your face is like a tomato, tomato head!"
[Gang smile]
FEZ: Oh Kelso, you're so witty.
ERIC: [looks at Donna] Hey Donna. What are you reading?
[Hyde and Kelso stop shooting and stop to look at what Donna is reading]
DONNA: Oh. I'm in charge of this new column in my school paper.
ERIC: Wow Donna. That's so cool.
DONNA: [cocky funny] Yeah! [nods] And get this... it's called, "Dear Donna!"
HYDE: [puts his arm around Jackie] So you're helping people with their problems.
JACKIE: Aw. Donna that's nice of you. I think I should try to do a nice thing like that.
ERIC: Yeah that would be goo-
JACKIE: Eric, shove it!
KELSO: So what did losers write to you about?
DONNA: Shut up Kelso. They just want advice.
FEZ: If a girl ever wrote that she was desperate and wants to do it, I'd write her, "FEZ will take care of you" [does Stallion face]
JACKIE: So what did they write?
DONNA: Well this one guy wrote that he wished he could get this girl to like him. But he thinks she's out of his league. So he wonder what he could do.
HYDE: Forman, did you write Donna a letter?
KELSO: I know, you could tell him FAT CHANCE!
FEZ: Kelso, you know that's mean. If Eric could do it, ANYONE can.
[Eric rolls his eyes]
JACKIE: So what are you going to put?
DONNA: That if she doesn't notice him for who he is. Then she's not worth his time.
[Jackie laughs]
JACKIE: Oh Donna. That's so funny.
DONNA: Jackie, I'm serious.
JACKIE: Donna. We NEED men who pine for us. If you tell the guys who love the popular girls not to like them anymore, then we wouldn't be popular, pretty girls. Like me, Donna!
DONNA: Yeah...
FEZ: [grabs a letter from Donna] Dear Donna, I am lonely. Please send me FEZ. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee.
DONNA: It doesn't say that.
FEZ: Hey! Who is reading it here!
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[Forman Living Room. Red and Bob are watching TV. Eric comes in.]
RED: Eric. Why aren't you doing your chores?
ERIC: Oh dad. Sorry. I have something important to do. I'll do them later.
RED: What do you have planned?
ERIC: Well me and the guys wanted to go to the Hub and hang out.
RED: That is more important that the chores?
ERIC: [looks at Red] No sir.
BOB: Red, be easy on the kid.
RED: Shut up Bob. Eric, you want me to treat you like a grown up. You better start acting like one, not like some dumbass. Once you become a grown up, you're out of this house. Now... go and mow the grass.
ERIC: I love you too daddy.
BOB: Oh Eric. Could you tell Donna I wanna talk to her?
[Eric nods and leaves]
BOB: Red, why do you have to be so hard on the boy. He's a good kid you know.
RED: What do you know Bob. You think banjos are God's greatest gifts.
BOB: They are you know.
[Bob pulls out a banjo. Red rolls his eyes.]
[Credits]
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[Alley outside the Hub. Hyde, FEZ, Kelso are walking through talking and laughing. A UNKNOWN GUY comes in with a large bag looking suspicious and nervous.]
KELSO: And then I said, Hey Donald Duck called, he wants his hat back.
[Guys laugh]
FEZ: How do you do it?
HYDE: Yeah man whatever.
[They notice the unknown guy]
UNKNOWN GUY: Hey. You can have this. [Hands the bag to Hyde] But you didn't get it from me. You do not know who I am.
HYDE: But I don't know who you are.
UNKNOWN GUY: PERFECT man. I nearly fell for it. Remember... you don't know me!
HYDE: But I don't.
UNKNOWN GUY: Man... you're killing me with this. You're awesome man!
[Unknown guy leaves. Hyde, FEZ, Kelso looks confused.]
KELSO: What's in the bag?
FEZ: I hope it's candy.
KELSO: Hey! What if it was nudie magazines? Open the bag!
FEZ: Yes! Open the bag! I want my candy!
HYDE: No. What if it is a government transmitter? Probably tracking us right now.
FEZ: Yes we know about your government exporations! Open the bag! I want my candy!
KELSO: Wait... what if it's a dead body?
FEZ: Nudie here has a point.
[HYDE and FEZ freeze, Hyde drops the bag. The thing thumps.]
HYDE: Oh screw it. I'm opening it.
[Hyde opens it and a bright light shines. He has a LARGE smile. Then he closes it.]
HYDE: It's nothing. I'll just take this home.
FEZ: What is it?
KELSO: Hyde... come on tell us.
HYDE: Fine. [Hyde takes out a plant]
FEZ: Oh it's just a plant.
KELSO: I didn't know you like plants Hyde.
HYDE: No you idiots. Look what kind of plant it is.
[Kelso and FEZ look at it intensely thinking]
HYDE: It's a marijuana plant!
KELSO: Oh man!
FEZ: Oh! It's like growing candy!
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[Pinciotti Kitchen. Donna is working on letters. Jackie comes in from the door.]
JACKIE: Hey Donna. Let's go shopping.
DONNA: I can't right now Jackie. I got to work on these letters. Some of these are actually hard to answer.
JACKIE: [sits down] Maybe I could help. [Jackie reading through some letters]
DONNA: You? Jackie... I don't think...
JACKIE: She should tell the teacher since all the kids are teasing her. [puts letter down]
DONNA: [looks at the letter] Yeah... that is good advice.
JACKIE: Or she could get her big brother to kick their asses.
DONNA: Wow Jackie. Okay. How about this one... 'Dear Donna... I was trying to get this guy to like me. But for some reason... He didn't find me attractive. I don't get it? I wore my teal skirt and favorite orange sweater----
JACKIE: Ewwww... No wonder! Okay! Here is what she should do!
DONNA: Jackie. I didn't finish the letter.
JACKIE: DONNA, do you want my help? [Donna rolls her eyes. Jackie keeps talking]
DONNA: Okay! We'll go shopping.
JACKIE: [puts her stuff down and claps] YAY! [gets up]
[Donna and Jackie leave. Papers are still on the desk. Eric comes in from the living room door.]
ERIC: Donna?
[Eric looks down at the papers. He picks up one and reads it. His eyes widen at one letter in particular. He sits down and reads it.]
GIRL VOICE: Dear Donna, My boyfriend and I broke up because he offered to give me a promise ring, but I didn't feel like being so committed yet. I still wanted to be with him, but I didn't want the ring. What do I do? He refuses to admit that he was wrong! I know I'm not wrong. I still love him. Please help. Sign, Help.
DONNA'S VOICE: Dear Help, I kind of know how you feel. And you know what, you're right and he's wrong. You should not feel stuck in your relationship. Remember, he's wrong! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
[Eric stops and looks up.]
ERIC: Oh God.
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[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is cooking. Red comes in from the living room.]
RED: We're out of popcorn. I swear, Bob is like a disposal service.
[Kitty gets the stuff to make popcorn.]
RED: Kitty, do you think I'm too hard on Eric?
KITTY: Not hard,... overbearing, but not hard.
RED: I just want him to have a bring future with no hardships.
KITTY: [kisses him on the cheek] He knows and he appreciates it.
RED: Cept he has to be a dumbass about it.
KITTY: [laughs] MMMM... Popcorn.
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[Forman Basement. Hyde is watering the plant. FEZ and Kelso are watching him. Jackie is sitting reading a magazine.]
FEZ: How is the fern doing?
HYDE: It's not a fern. It's my baby.
KELSO: [gets up and gets close to the plant] Hyde man! When are we going to use her?
HYDE:[Blocks him] Stay back Kelso. I don't want you to go near her.
JACKIE: Steven! It's just a stupid plant!
HYDE: Shhh... she migt hear you.
JACKIE: [groans] Fine... you can stay with your stupid plant!
HYDE: [whispers to the plant] Don't worry. She's just jealous.
KELSO: I always wanted a pet plant.
FEZ: I had a pet plant once before. I had to throw it away because it peed all over the floor.
[Everyone looked at him weird.]
FEZ: That and it ate the cat. [whispers to himself] Stupid plant bastard.
KITTY: [comes down] Steven.
HYDE: [tries to hide the plant] Yes Mrs. Forman?
KITTY: What are you doing?
HYDE: Nothing. Just talking to my friends.
FEZ: And watering your baby.
HYDE: FEZ!
KITTY: Baby? What baby? [looks over Hyde and sees the plant] Oh Steven! I didn't know you like plants!
KELSO: [to FEZ and Jackie] Just that kind!
HYDE: Mrs. Forman! I can explain.
KITTY: Explain what? This is a healthy little fern! I didn't know you were a plant lover Steven.
HYDE: Of course I am Mrs. Forman.
KITTY: Well... let me see. [She examines each leaf] What a odd looking fern! Steven. If you ever want help taking care of it, I'll give you the extra nutrients that it needs.
HYDE: Thanks Mrs. Forman. I can take care of it.
KITTY: [smells it and eyes blink and then laughs] What an interesting smell. [smells it more and blinks out of it] [Laughs] I'll just... I'll just go now and cook dinner! [almost trips and laughs] [Leaves upstairs]
FEZ: Oiy, that was a close one.
JACKIE: Steven, can we go out now? I need a ride to cheer practice.
FEZ: I'll take you to cheer practice.
JACKIE: FEZ, remember the last time you took me to practice.
FEZ: I promise I will not run under the pyramid.
JACKIE: And...
FEZ: And pretend to be one of the male cheerleaders.
JACKIE: And...
FEZ: And play with their pom poms.
JACKIE: Okay good. [They start to leave from the door and FEZ looks at Kelso and Hyde and smiles and winks]
[Eric comes the door and says bye to Jackie and FEZ]
ERIC: You guys won't believe this.
HYDE: You gained two pounds.
ERIC: Yeah that too. Anyways... I was at Donna's house.
KELSO: Aw man! This must be good! [jumps on the couch to listen intensely] You tried on her underwear!
ERIC: [looks at Kelso and then back at Hyde] There was a letter on the table for Donna for her "Dear Donna" column and the girl had the same situation as Donna and me break up. And you know what Donna put... that I was wrong and she was right!
HYDE: Well, you were wrong and she was right. [smiles]
ERIC: No that's the thing. We never talked about who was right and who was wrong. She has no right saying I was wrong when I was right.
KELSO: Wait... so she was right about being wrong? I'm so lost man! Is this a trick?
HYDE: Man [brings his plant over to the table and sits on his chair] Just forget about it man. It's going to make it worse.
ERIC: I can't. How could I forget about it? How?
*************************************************************************
360 Circle.
ERIC: Oh yeah. I can forget.
KELSO: Forget what man?
ERIC: I don't know. What were we talking about?
[Camera to Plant. Remains quiet]
HYDE: Oh yeah. I need a name for her.
KELSO: I know! How about Yolanda! I saw that name for a hot chick before. She was HOT!
ERIC: If I had a plant, I'd name her Donna, because I love her so much. Wait... Aren't I mad at Donna? Wait? Who?
[Camera to Plant. Remains quiet.]
HYDE: I know! I'll name her Fernie! Since she's like a FERN MAN! With the large leaves man!
KELSO: [laughing] Like a fern man! Yeah! I knew a chick name Fernie man... or was it Julie? Wait... was it a man?
ERIC: Wait? Am I mad or not? I'm so confused. I love Donna, right?
[Camera to plant. Remains quiet]
HYDE: It looks like someone is hungry. [pours water on plant]
[Commercial]
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[Donna's Room. Donna is reading over her letters and writing them. Eric opens the door, still high a little bit.]
ERIC: Donna?
DONNA: Hey Eric. What's going on?
ERIC: I am here for you because... because...-- [sees the letters on the bed] Okay. Now I remember. Donna... [points] YOU'RE WRONG! [and then runs into the door trying to go out.] Ow. [turns to Donna] I'm okay. [runs out -- leaves]
[Donna looks weirded out - like What the hell?]
*************************************************************************
[Forman Basement. Hyde is on the couch and the plant is on the table. Jackie is sitting next to him.]
JACKIE: Steven, you got to get rid of this plant.
HYDE: Jackie, why should I?
JACKIE: Because it's taking time from us!
HYDE: Can't you see Fernie needs me right now.
JACKIE: I can't believe you named it! [stands up] It's a plant for goodness sake!
HYDE: Jackie, you are hurting her feelings.
JACKIE: Steven! It's a plant! It doesn't have feelings!
HYDE: [hugs Fernie and then lets go] Fine... we'll go out. How about that?
JACKIE: Really Steven?
HYDE: Yes.
[They start to leave and Hyde takes the plant out with them. Jackie stares at him. Hyde puts the plant down and leaves with Jackie through the door. FEZ comes down from the stairs with Kelso.]
KELSO: And then I said, "You're like a wannabe me!"
FEZ: [laughs] Oh Good one!
KELSO: I know. [sees Hyde's plant unattended] Look! It's Fernie. Let's smoke her.
FEZ: [stops him] Hyde would kill us if he found out.
KELSO: Oh come on FEZ. We'll just take one leaf. It's not that he would notice.
FEZ: Hmmm... okay.
[KELSO and FEZ are around the plant touching it]
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[Same scene. Three hours later. FEZ and KELSO are on the couch smiling. The plant looks dead with no leaves at all. All used up.]
KELSO: And then I said, "You're like a sponge, sponge brain!"
FEZ: HAHAHAHA... Genuis!
KELSO: Hey FEZ, lets get another.
FEZ: [looks and sees the plant is completely used] Uhh... Kelso. It is gone! [taps Kelso]
KELSO: [looks] Oh well.
FEZ: Oh well? Oh well? [slaps Kelso] Hyde is going to kill us!
KELSO: [jumps us] Oh no!
FEZ: What are we going to do?
KELSO: I know. I need green paper, glue, and a slinky.
FEZ: Why a slinky?
KELSO: Just because we are doing this, doesn't mean I can't have fun FEZ!
FEZ: Jumps to get the stuff Kelso listed.
*************************************************************************
[Same Scene. A few hours later. Jackie and Hyde come inside and see Kelso on the couch.]
KELSO: Hey guys!
JACKIE: Hey.
KELSO: How was shopping?
JACKIE: Oh it was great! I bought Steven some new pants for him to wear when we go out dancing! Right Steven.
HYDE: Jackie... I told you not to tell anybody!
KELSO: Heh Heh BURN!
HYDE: [looks to find Fernie] Hey. Where is Fernie?
KELSO: [jumps up and laughs nervously] That's a funny story.
HYDE: Oh really. [walks toward Kelso, arms crossed] Wanna tell us the funny story?
KELSO: You see... FEZ took it for a walk because it looked tired. And you know FEZ, in his country they have a lot of plants, so he knows how to take care of them. So he took it for a walk.
HYDE: FEZ took MY Fernie for a walk?
KELSO: Yeah.
[FEZ comes in holding a fern (It's NOT Fernie - it is an actual FERN)]
FEZ: We're back from our walk!
*************************************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Eric is at the table drinking coffee. Red comes in from the living room.]
RED: Did you do all the chores?
ERIC: [coming out of the highness] Yes, but you don't have to yell.
RED: Good. [Red takes out his wallet and gives Eric $10] Here.
ERIC: What is this for?
RED: For your chores.
ERIC: Thanks Dad.
RED: You did a good job.
ERIC: Dad... does this mean we're friends?
RED: [puts his hand on Eric]... No. [leaves through to the living room]
[Donna comes in through the slide door, holding letters]
DONNA: Eric, what the hell?
ERIC: Hey Donna. [realizes what he did. He stands up] Hey Donna!
DONNA: I'm wrong? I'm wrong? Wrong about what?
ERIC: Look Donna. I read what you wrote to the girl who had the same break up we did.
DONNA: You read the letters that were written to me?
ERIC: Well... I didn't actually read... it just happen to fall across my hand and my eyes just happened to apprehend what was said on the paper.
DONNA: Eric, those were personal letters.
ERIC: Donna. We didn't resolve who was wrong and who was right. And you wrote that I was wrong wrong wrong?
DONNA: One... you had no right reading what was written to me. Two... They are not us. Three.. I didn't finish that person's letter. Here, I said in the end. [she opens the letter and reads] But you must not also put the fault against him. You are also at fault also, because you must understand what he wants. And if you truly love each other, you'd find a way back to each other, like me and my true love did. [looks at Eric]
ERIC: [smiles] Donna. That's so... wow you actually wrote that?
DONNA: Eric. I mean it.
ERIC: Donna I'm so sorry. I should of talked to you about it.
[They hug]
DONNA: It's okay. Besides... I was right.
[Eric opens his mouth to say something]
DONNA: Don't even think about it.
*************************************************************************
[Credits]
[Forman Basement. Kitty and Hyde are in there. The fern is on the washing machine.]
KITTY: [pouring nutrients and water into the plant] And then you poor the nutrients into the fern and then water it.
HYDE: [uninterested] Yes Mrs. Forman.
KITTY: And if you want, [rubs the leaves] You can massage it so it can feel healthy. Come on you try.
HYDE: [uninterested, rubs the leaves]
KITTY: Good!!! I see your fern has grown so well!
[HYDE puts his head down.]
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