Episode 12: May the Force Be With You

******************************************************************
[Forman Basement. Hyde, Jackie, Donna, FEZ, Kelso. Jackie is sitting on Hyde in his chair. Donna and FEZ are on the couch. Kelso in his chair reading a magazine. Eric comes in from the side door.]

ERIC: Hey guys! I have the best news!

JACKIE: You grew a inch? [Hyde smiles at Jackie]

ERIC: [pauses] Actually... yeah I did. [back to normal] Okay! Donna. I got us tickets!

DONNA: OoooO! Tickets! Ticket to? Oh my gosh! Did you get me tickets to the Nugent Concert I wanted to go to?

ERIC: No! Even better.

KELSO: Oh! Is it a monkey show? If it is, then I'd go!

FEZ: I would go too. The monkeys have a way with me. [everyone looks at him. He looks side to side] [pause] Those damn monkey bastards!

DONNA: So where?

ERIC: The Star Wars Convention! [shows three tickets]

HYDE / JACKIE / KELSO / FEZ / DONNA: :moan: / :moan: / Ack / Ack / Oh... that's nice...

ERIC: Yeah! I got three tickets... one for me, one for you, and one for my best buddy...

FEZ: Oh Eric! I'd love to go!

ERIC: Yeah...[pats FEZ] sit tight there buddy. [Looks at Hyde] So?

HYDE: No.

ERIC: [goes over to Hyde, Jackie gets off Hyde and onto the couch] Oh come on. The force can be with [points] YOU!

HYDE: [hits Eric's hand] No way man. I don't want to be around any dorks -- I already have you, Kelso and FEZ

KELSO: Hey! I am not a dork! Dorks do not have feathered hair!

DONNA: Eric I don't think I could go.

ERIC: What? [walks over to her] Why? Did I mention it was Star Wars?

DONNA: Yeah... I heard you, but my dad wants to have this father-daughter weekend. You know. Since we'll be graduating soon.

ERIC: Oh... then... who am I going to go with?

JACKIE: I'll go.

ERIC: [ignores her] I have no clue. [sits on the couch]

JACKIE: I'll go Eric!

ERIC: Donna. I don't know who to take.

JACKIE: [gets up and grabs two tickets] Thank you. [walks to Hyde] Steven. Let's go.

HYDE: Jackie. Why would you be interested in going to see guys dressing up like Star Wars characters looking like idiots? All I would do is just point and laugh at them. [smiles] Oh you're good. [to Eric] I'm in, man.

KELSO: [reading magazine] Look at this. Harrison Ford. Psshh! I could be such a better Han Solo.

ERIC: Oh Harrison Ford. I don't think he'll make it anywhere in the future. I mean... psh! Han Solo?

KELSO: You know who's going to be big... [gets up and walks behind the couch]... Chubacca!

FEZ: Yes... the ladies love strong, hairy men. [looks at Jackie] So how is it? [Jackie looks at him blankly]

[Openning Credits]
******************************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Red is in his Pricemart jacket eating breakfast. Kitty is setting up breakfast for Eric and Hyde behind the sink. Hyde and Eric come in from the living room.]

ERIC: And I'm going to wear a costume that looks like Luke Skywalker! [looks at Kitty] Mom, do you have my outfit ready?

KITTY: [excited] Yes! I do!

[Kitty goes to the counter and brings a box from the floor and puts it on the table. Pulls out a dress-like outfit - A TOGA]

KITTY: TA-DA! One Luke Skywalker being beamed up!

ERIC: [whines] Mom... that's not Luke Skywalker's outfit. That's like [whispers to her ear] Princess Leia's outfit.

KITTY: Oh Eric. Stop! Here! Try it on! It's so snazzy! [Helps Eric put it on and then looks at him] See! You're like a Greek Luke Skywalker!

RED: He's like a Greek Dumbass if you tell me. [Red and Hyde look at each other and laugh] I don't see why you want to go to this convention. [grabs for doughnut on the table]

KITTY: [walks towards him] Red Forman [takes the doughnut away] The doctor told you to stay away from fatty foods.

RED: Kitty... I don't see why you're so worried. I ate roast pig last night.

KITTY: You know what they say. You are what you eat!

HYDE: [laughs and looks at Eric] If that's true, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.

[Eric laughs]

RED: Eric...You need to concentrate on school, not some stupid Star Wars crap. How is Star Wars going to help your future?

ERIC: Well... I was hoping one day the force would come help me motivate my professors to let me pass.

RED: I can't believe you're wasting your weekend on this.

ERIC: [points] Hey! The Force is not being wasted! [looks down at what he's wearing and takes it off violently] Hyde is going too?

HYDE: Yeah... [gets up to put bowl in the sink] Jackie and I thought it'd be good to have a laugh now and then together.

KITTY: Well... I think it's fun! Our son has a hobby, like a little boy. [puts her hand on his shoulder] My little boy.

ERIC: Mom! [moves away and looks at her] We talked about this. I'm a man.

KITTY: I know. [crying-like and points to Eric looking at Red] He's a MAN! [goes to the living room]

RED: [annoyed] See what you did! [gets up and heads toward the living room] Why did you have to lie to her? [mumbles as he leaves] Man... Dumbass is more like it!
******************************************************************
[Outside the Hub. Kelso and FEZ are in Kelso's van.]

KELSO: Man... we need chicks.

FEZ: I know... we are a bunch of good looking men!

KELSO: Yes we are!

FEZ: Kelso. [puts arm around Kelso] I'm glad you are my boy friend.

KELSO: [moves FEZ's arm quickly] FEZ! What did I tell you about calling me that?

FEZ: I'm sorry. I'm glad [puts arm around Kelso] you are my man friend.

KELSO: That's better.

[Shows brunette walking towards the Hub]

KELSO: Oh look! A hot girl just walked into the Hub. Watch the magic.

[You see from the Van (FEZ'S POV) - You can't hear them: Kelso gets out and he talks to her. Her back is turned to the camera, so you don't see her and they talk. She walks into the Hub. Kelso smiles and comes back in the car.]

KELSO: How was that!?!

FEZ: You call that magic? Where my magic you son of a bitch?!?!
******************************************************************
[Pinciotti living room. Bob and Donna are on the couch.]

BOB: Oh Donna! I can't wait to spend this weekend with you.

DONNA: Yeah. Dad... I'm excited too.

[They remain quiet and still on the couch for a while]

BOB: [small laugh] So... how are you?

DONNA: I'm doing good. And you?

BOB: Not so good.

DONNA: Why? What's wrong?

BOB: I have a rash [starts pointing to butt] down here in my---

DONNA: Okay dad! Never mind!

[They remain quiet and still on the couch for awhile]

DONNA: So... [clasps her hands together]

BOB: [small laughs and looks like he's going to say something... but then stops and be quiet again]

DONNA: [looks around] Yeah...
******************************************************************
[Inside the HUB. Kelso and FEZ enters and Kelso points to a brown hair girl - her back is facing us. Kelso and FEZ walk up to her.]

KELSO: There she is. Kristen! HEY KRISTEN!

[Kristen turns and she looks like Kelso's twin - but a girly way. FEZ gasps.]

KRISTEN: Hey Michael.

KELSO: FEZ, this is Kristen.

FEZ: Hell.. o... [uncomfortable]

KRISTEN: Hey! You're that foreign kid with the foreign accent!

FEZ: Yes... tha's me.

KRISTEN: WOW! I never met a foreigner before!

KELSO: Well this is your lucky day! FEZ here is foreign! His tribe was able to conquer Europe you know.

KRISTEN: WOW! Can you speak English?

[FEZ gives Kelso a weird look. Kelso just shrugs]

FEZ: [looks at her] Yes.

KELSO: So... Kristen! Want to go out with me this Saturday?

KRISTEN: [dim-wit] SURE!

KELSO: Oh... and can you bring a friend for my little buddy here. [puts arm around FEZ]

KRISTEN: Sure! So who do you want me to hook up?

[Kelso and FEZ look at each other again]

KELSO: FEZ.

KRISTEN: Oh okay!

KELSO: Yeah... so Kristen can you get me and my buddy here a drink.

KRISTEN: Okay! [goes to the ordering place]

[Kelso and FEZ move away and huddle]

KELSO: So what do you think? Pretty hot, huh? Yup... I hit the motherload!

FEZ: Doesn't she look like someone YOU know?

KELSO: [looks at her. Kristen smiles and waves] Nu-uh.

FEZ: She looks like you, you whore!

KELSO: No way! Kristen? She does not look like me! You can get any hotter than this. [points to himself] And besides... if she looked like me. I would know. I look at myself ALL THE TIME!
******************************************************************
[Convention Center. Jackie and Hyde walk in wearing normal clothes.]

HYDE: Forman. Come on. You're the one who wanted to come to this so badly.

JACKIE: Eric. You should be used to people looking at you funny.

ERIC: Fine. [comes out wearing the toga]

R2D2 look-alike: [walks past Eric, looks up and down] Nice Costume Casear! [walks away]

ERIC: That's it... [going to go after the R2D2 guy]

[Jackie and Hyde pulls him back and they continue to walk]

HYDE: I've never seen so many geeks in one room.

JACKIE: No. Remember that one time you were trapped in the band room with the woodwind section.

HYDE: Oh yeah. Worse night of my life.

[Jackie and Hyde are walking around. Leia Look alike walks by.]

JACKIE: Psh. I've seen better buns than that.

[Eric walks into a Chubacca lookalike.]

ERIC: Hey! Great costume!

Chubacca lookalike: Costume?

ERIC: Right...

[Eric keeps on walking. He sees there is a line to get an autograph from Mark Hamil. It's LONG. He goes at the end of the line and then a pregnant Princess Leia comes next to Eric.]

Pregnant Princess Leia: Hello. Who are you suppose to be?

ERIC: [quietly] Luke Skywalker...

Pregnant Princess Leia: Well... [looks up and down at him] you kind of do look like him... in a Greek way.

ERIC: Hey! My mother worked hard on this outfit!

Pregnant Princess Leia: Really? I couldn't tell.

ERIC: IT WAS A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY!

[They remail quiet. They roll their eyes.]
******************************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Red and Kitty are at the table. Red is reading the newspaper. Kitty is drinking water.]

RED: It's quiet in here.

KITTY: Yup.

RED: No kids?

KITTY: Nope.

RED: huh...

[Red and Kitty look at each other and dash towards the living room. Then Bon and Donna come in from the screen door.]

BOB: Red! Kitty! You're here!

DONNA: Thank God!

[Red and Kitty stop and turn around.]

RED: Dammit Bob! What do you want?

BOB: Well... Donna and I were spending quality time together and everything.

KITTY: Then why are you here? [laughs] Go spend time together!

RED: Get out.

DONNA: Mr. Forman. My father and I were wondering if you guys would like to go out with us. [does desperate face] PLEASE.

RED: Look Donna---

KITTY: Aww! You're inviting us!

DONNA: Yes... please.

BOB: We could go bowling!

KITTY: Yay! Bowling RED! Someone is inviting us out. It's been sooo long! [jumps up and down] I'll go get my shoes! [runs to the living room]

RED: [rolls his eyes - to Donna] You owe us.

DONNA: [silently] Thank you!
******************************************************************
[Forman Basement. FEZ and Kelso are sitting watching TV: MASH]

KELSO: You know someday I'll be a cop and then I will be in charge of the military!

FEZ: Yes... it makes me feel like home again.

KELSO: There is a military where you live?

FEZ: No just the sand and the wind.

[Red walks down and sees them.]

RED: What are you two idiots doing here? [goes to them] Don't you have your own parents to bother?

KELSO: My mother told me to go bother you guys.

RED: Get out. [grabs bowling bag from the shower]

FEZ: I see you are going bowling. Would you like some company?

KELSO: Yeah! I could bring Kristen!

RED: No. [walks upstairs and is gone]

KELSO: You heard the man. Let's go!

[FEZ and Kelso leaves from the side door]
******************************************************************
[Star Wars Convention. Jackie and Hyde are walking around and sees a Luke Skywalker lookalike and Darth Vader lookalike arms around each other bonding.]

JACKIE: It's so sad.

HYDE: It's like watching father and son... well.. too bad they aren't.

[Jackie and Hyde then turn around and bump into Ron dressed up as Obi-Wan Kenobi.]

RON: Oh sorry. Please don't hit me.

HYDE: Hey Ron. What are you doing here?

RON: Oh hey Steven. I thought I'd come here to meet some girls.

JACKIE: Any luck?

RON: I did meet a nice lady who came as Princess Leia. Then I told her 'Nice buns' and... here I am.

JACKIE: So Ron... not feeling too happy huh?

RON: I guess I'll be all right. [calm and then clings onto Hyde] No! I'm not!

HYDE: Okay man... alright... You can get off now!

[Ron gets off.]

RON: I'm sorry. It's just this place is so...

JACKIE: Weird...

HYDE: [looks at her] Jackie.

JACKIE: What? It is!

RON: Yeah... I think I'm going to go. No one wants me here. I'll just go back to the hotel and cry.

HYDE: We want you here man. Right Jackie. [taps her]

JACKIE: [glares at Hyde and then looks at Ron] Yeah...

HYDE: Come on Ron. Let's look at the geeks.

RON: What?

HYDE: Nothing.
******************************************************************
[Bowling place. Red, Kitty, Donna, Bob. Donna is bowling and she strikes it! She jumps up and down in excitment]

BOB: Good job Donna! Okay Red and Kitty... that makes three strikes for us and... no strikes for you. Wow. This is fun!

[Kitty gets ready to go. Kitty picks up a bowling ball.]

RED: [behind her] Okay Kitty. Make sure you aim for the pins this time.

KITTY: I thought you weren't suppose to knock the pins! It's so confusing since it has two holes on the side of the pins!

[Kitty bowls and she misses it]

BOB: That makes still zero strikes for you!

DONNA: I can honestly say that I'm having a good time.

BOB: [arm around her] I'm glad too... [whimpers]

[Kelso and FEZ come in.]

KELSO: Hey you guys!

DONNA: Hey.

RED: What the hell are you doing here? Didn't I tell you no?

FEZ: Yes, but we pretended not to hear you.

RED: Get the hell out.

KITTY: No no! This could be fun!

KELSO: Yeah and I brought someone. [shouts] KRISTEN!

[Kristen comes and smiles.Donna, Red, Bob, Kitty gasp]

KITTY: [laughs] Is this your little sister? My how you resemble Michael!

KRISTEN: We're not related? [t Kelso] Are we?

KELSO: No... NO!

RED: [to Donna] We'll be hearing his kids say 'Uncle Daddy'.

KELSO: Kristen, why don't you get us a few beers --- [Red glares at Kelso] for the adults.

KRISTEN: Okay! [leaves]

KELSO: So what do you think?

KITTY: Um... Michael... don't you think she kinda seems too similar?

RED: She looks like you, you dumbass.

KELSO: What? No... she does not!

FEZ: Yes she does! That's what I've been trying to tell you!

DONNA: Did you pick her up at a family reunion?

KELSO: I can't believe it! She does not look like me!

BOB: I dated a girl who looked like me once.

RED: God help us. There is a female version of you in this world.

BOB: She was a great girl!

[Kristen comes back.]

KITTY: Well.. Kristen! I'm glad you're here! Can you bowl?

KRISTEN: Yup!

KITTY: [smiles] GREAT! You're on my team!

RED: [to Bob] You can have the other twin. [looks at FEZ. FEZ smiles] Take the foreigner too.
******************************************************************
[Convention. Eric and Pregnant Princess Leia walk with autographs in their hands.]

ERIC: And when the Millenium Falcon just saved the day!

Pregnant Princess Leia: I know! It was the best... it didn't help when you jumped up and down screaming how much you worship him.

ERIC: Hello??!?! It was Luke Skywalker!

Pregnant Princess Leia: He has a real name.

ERIC: Yeah... Luke Skywalker!

Pregnant Princess Leia: Yeah... but - Oof!

ERIC: What's wrong?

Pregnant Princess Leia: Water...

ERIC: I'll go get you some! [starts to run off]

Pregnant Princess Leia: No... My water broke!

ERIC: So... am I suppose to get you a new cup?

Pregnant Princess Leia: [grabs him] I'm having this baby!

ERIC: Oh my God... okay... stay calm! stay calm!

Pregnant Princess Leia: I am!

ERIC: I was talking to myself! We need a doctor here! Is anyone a doctor here!

[Pregnant Princess Leia sits on a bench.]

Pregnant Princess Leia: I'm having the baby NOW!

ERIC: We need a doctor!

[A Chubacca look-alike comes.]

DOCTOR: I'm a doctor!

ERIC: Great costume!

DOCTOR: Thanks!

ERIC: Where did you get that?!?!

DOCTOR: I know a guy who knows a guy who works on the set. This is one of the originals.

ERIC: No way!

DOCTOR: Yup! Original!

Pregnant Princess Leia: Hello? A little pregnant here!

DOCTOR: Oh sorry!

[They put a blanket on the floor and put Pregnant Princess Leia on the blanket away from the camera.]

ERIC: Yeah! [to Pregnant Princess Leia] You're going to be fine!

Pregnant Princess Leia: Thank you! Where is my husband?!?!

[Hyde, Jackie and Ron rush to them]

DOCTOR: Who was he?

Pregnant Princess Leia: Han Solo!

ERIC: Okay calm down. May the force be with you.

Pregnant Princess Leia: Screw the force! I need drugs! Give me drugs!

HYDE: Alright, she asked for it. [Hyde comes forward, reaching into his pocket]

[Eric stops him]

ERIC: I don't think she meant it like that Hyde.

DOCTOR: Calm down. You'll be fine.

ERIC: Oh my God! Something is coming out.

HYDE: [looking at Pregnant Princess Leia] I can't bare to watch. [turns his head]

JACKIE: Steven! Birth is a beautiful thing! It's what connects us--[looks at Pregnant Princess Leia] EWW! It all slimey! [turns away]

DOCTOR: Push!

Pregnant Princess Leia: [pushing] Aughhhh!

ERIC:[agonizing] Aughhhh!

Pregnant Princess Leia: [pushing] Aughhhh!

HYDE / JACKIE / ERIC: [staring at it] Aughhhh!
******************************************************************
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty, Red, Donna, Bob, Kelso, Fez come in from the slide door tired.]

BOB: Gee that was fun.

KITTY: I am so tired. Balls flying everywhere! I didn't know where to turn!

RED: Kitty... the balls were rolled on the floor.

KITTY: Flying all over the floor!

[Kitty goes into the living room. Red rolls his eyes.]

DONNA: Thanks for today dad.

BOB: It was great spending time with my little girl before she goes off to [crying-like] college.

[Donna pats him on the back and they head out.]

KELSO: Well... I don't know what you guys are saying. I had a great time with Kristen!

FEZ: You mean Kelsy!

[Red and FEZ laugh]

RED: Didn't your mom tell you not to date anyone in the family?

KELSO: Oh yeah. I love her!

FEZ: No you don't.

KELSO: [to FEZ] Don't tell me you did not love her soft skin, light eyes, long hair, bossoms and butt!

[Hyde, Jackie, and Eric come in tired from the living room door. - They look exhausted]

RED: What the hell happened to you?

ERIC: We had a baby.

RED / KELSO / FEZ: What?!

HYDE: A lady at the convention had a baby.

ERIC: Yeah... and she used a lot of "force".

JACKIE: It was all slimey and icky. I'm glad I came out absolutely beautiful.

KELSO: You and me both!

[Kelso, Jackie, FEZ and Hyde leave through the slide door. Eric sits on a seat next to the table. Red goes to the refridgerator and brings out a beer.]

RED: [gives one to Eric] Here.

ERIC: Dad. It was amazing. There was a baby and he was beautiful.

RED: Yeah. I remember what it was like holding my beautiful child.

ERIC: [chuckles] Aww... dad.

RED: [glares] Your sister, Laurie. [stares at the sky] Yup. Happiest day of my life... [sighs] and then you came. [drinks the beer] Yup... then everything just went downhill from there.

ERIC: [sarcastically] Thank you daddy.

[They drink.]

[Credits]
******************************************************************
[The Hub. Kelso and FEZ are eating at a table. KRISTEN comes in and taps Kelso on the shoulder.]

KELSO: Kristen! Hey!

KRISTEN: Michael. We need to talk.

KELSO: Sure. [winks at FEZ and gets up and turns to her.] Yes my dear.

KRISTEN: I don't think we should see each other again.

KELSO: Why baby? I don't see anything wrong! We are so alike!

KRISTEN: I know! Michael! I can't date a man who feathers his hair like mine!

KELSO: Baby! No! We can change that!

KRISTEN: Really?!?!

KELSO: Yeah... I'm sure you look hot without feathering your hair!

KRISTEN: [sighs] Good bye! [she leaves]

[Kelso turns back and sits next to FEZ.]

KELSO: Yup. I told you we didn't look alike! I'm too pretty for her!
******************************************************************