Episode 15: Fez's Island

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[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is all dressed up. She is dancing around the table. Hyde and Eric come in from the living room talking and she sees them and shows off herself in the pretty dress.]

ERIC / HYDE: Wow mom / Looking good Mrs. Forman!

KITTY: Thank you boys!

ERIC: So mom. What's the occasion?

[Hyde opens fridge]

HYDE: Forman back off! Your mom always looks this nice.

KITTY: Why thank you Steven for being so... honest. [flashes a smile to Eric and Hyde] If you must know, it is your father and I's Wedding Anniversary!

HYDE: [closes the fridge holding bread] That's great Mrs. Forman. Congrats. Who knew you could put up with Red for so long?[goes to sit at the table]

ERIC: Yeah... That's great mom! Happy Anniversary!

KITTY: Thank you! Your father promised me a surprise!!! [excited] I hope it's a sewing machine!!!

ERIC: Yeah... that's great mom.

[KITTY goes into the living room]

ERIC: Wow. My mom and dad have been together for this long.

HYDE: Yeah... must be weird knowing they still do it, huh Forman?

ERIC: [gives Hyde a blank look] I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. [sits] I wonder how Donna and I will be in the future. You know. I'm going to make her a happy woman.

HYDE: You're going to leave her?

ERIC: No. I'm going to love her forever and be there for her all the time.

HYDE: I thought you said you're going to make her a happy woman?

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[Forman basement. Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Donna, Eric are watching TV. Guilligan's Island. Hyde is in his chair. Jackie, Donna, Eric are on the couch. Kelso is in his chair.]

HYDE: [head on knuckles] Kill him! Kill him!

KELSO: Man... Gilligan always screws up. See this is why he never gets any chicks.

ERIC: You guys aren't even giving him a chance. I mean he does do well in the end. Poor guy.

JACKIE: Yeah.. it's always the skinny guys. Sorry Eric.

DONNA: Hey where's FEZ?

HYDE: He said he got a package from his parents for graduation.

[FEZ enters with a box.]

FEZ: Hello FEZ's friends.

KELSO: What's in the box FEZ?

ERIC: Your parents send you lizards?

KELSO: Oh I want one!

FEZ: Nope. [sets the box on the table] It's a gift from home.

[Everyone backs away from it]

KELSO: What... is.. it?

FEZ: [opens the box] It's my new pet duck. [pulls out a duck] Kikiduck!

KIKIDUCK: Quack! Quack!

FEZ: Isn't she gorgeous!?!?

[credits]

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[Forman basement. Everyone is surrounding FEZ and Kikiduck. FEZ puts the duck back in the box.]

JACKIE: Boy FEZ. Your parents know how to spoil you.

ERIC: So what are you going to do with the duck?

FEZ: It's a gift! My parents blessed me for graduating.

DONNA: Wow... I'm graduating and my father just gave me a banjo.

ERIC: Yeah... [proud] For my gift... [sad] Red is booting me out...

JACKIE: Wait. So what about the duck?

KELSO: Dinner!

FEZ: No No! [FEZ holds onto the box]

KELSO: Oh that's true. Let it lay some eggs first, then we can eat.

HYDE: So you're going to keep it?

FEZ: I have to. It'd be disrespectful if I didn't!

ERIC: Yeah Hyde... I mean... how could a duck not be useful?

KELSO: Yeah! We'll just have to wait for her to lay eggs! and then BREAKFAST!

FEZ: No. This is a blessed duck. It will help me with the ladies.

[Hyde smiles]

JACKIE: I don't think the duck could help you with the ladies FEZ. It's only a duck.

FEZ: [looks at Jackie] Only a duck? Only a duck? [pulls out Kikiduck from boz] Does this look like only a duck to you??!?!?!

KELSO: I had a pet pig before. He ran away. [sigh] But man... that night we had the best soup ever! Man!

[FEZ moves the duck away from Kelso]

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[Forman living room. Red comes in from the living room with the newspaper in his Pricemart jacket. He sits on his chair. Kitty comes down from the den all dressed up. She tries to get Red's attention by posing cute. Red doesn't notice. He continues to read. Kitty goes a step down and poses again. He doesn't notice. Kitty goes in front of the couch and coughs. Red looks and Kitty poses.]

RED: [puts the newspaper down] Wow Kitty. You look beautiful!

KITTY: Thank you! So!!! [sits on the couch] What is the surprise for me?

RED: [uncomfy] Surprise?

KITTY: Yeah Red! For today!

RED: Oh! The surprise!

KITTY: Red Forman... you don't have a surprise do you?

RED: I do Kitty! [gets up and offers a hug] HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

KITTY: [stares at Red blankly and walks upstairs] If you want me, I'll be in my room.

RED: Damnit Kitty! I remembered!

[Eric enters the living room from the kitchen. He sees Red angry and then starts going back.]

RED: What event?

ERIC: [from Kitchen] Anniversary.

RED: [cries from the bottom of the stairs] Happy Anniversary Kitty! [turns back] Aw Damn!

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[Donna's Kitchen. Donna and Joanne are cleaning up. Bob is finishing dinner. Eric comes in from the kicthen door.]

ERIC: Donna. You cannot believe this. Red forgot their anniversary!

DONNA: Oh is your mom in her bedroom again?

ERIC: Yeah... I mean this is worse than when my dad ran over our pet dog Whiggy.

DONNA: You had a pet dog?

ERIC: SH! It's not allowed to be discussed. [swallows and pauses] It still hurts. [painful look on his face]

JOANNE: Looks like Red's in trouble with women. [Joanne sits on Bob's lap]

BOB: Red should take advice from us. We're really good together. Right Jo-Jo? Yeah. I mean at least Joanne could remember our Anniversary.

JOANNE: [looks at BOB] Anniversary Bob?

BOB: Yeah Jo-jo.

JOANNE: Bob... Anniversaries are for people who are married. Not us Bob. [gets up]

BOB: Jo-Jo! I know, but we should have an anniversary.

[Joanne and Bob stare at each other. Donna and Eric look uncomfy]

ERIC: You know we're just going to...

DONNA: Yeah... we're gonna...

[They exit to the living room]

ERIC: Let's go!

DONNA: I'm right behind you.

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[The Hub. FEZ, Hyde, Jackie, Kelso, Kikiduck. They are in a booth. FEZ is holding Kikiduck and is feeding her. Jackie, Hyde, and Kelso are sitting with him staring.]

HYDE: So how is it exactly are you going to get girls with that duck?

FEZ: Well... I'm going to have the Kikiduck woo them for me!

JACKIE: FEZ It's not going to work. Girls aren't attracted to ducks! It's not shiny!

KELSO: She's right. [tries to grab Kikiduck] Let's cover it with alumminum!

[FEZ holds onto to Kikiduck]

FEZ: Kikiduck is going to get me some DOING IT time.

KELSO: Yeah right FEZ! It's a duck. [thinks and is shocked] DUDE!

HYDE: [to FEZ] Well... here's what you do. Get the duck to go to them. Show them how cute abd furry they are.

JACKIE: [grabs Hyde's arm] That's what I did when Hyde first met my mom.

YOUNG HOT WAITRESS - Sunny: [comes over] I'm sorry sir. You can't have any animals here.

FEZ: [looks at Hyde and Jackie and Kelso] Well... Miss [looks at tag] Sunny. Tell it to the duck.

YOUNG HOT WAITRESS - Sunny: [annoyed and sighs] Look... [to the duck] Get out.

FEZ: [looks at the girl sternly] Well! If you are going to treat us this badly! Good bye!

YOUNG HOT WAITRESS - Sunny: But wai---

FEZ: [leaving with Kikiduck] I said GOOD BYE!

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[Kitty/Red's bedroom. Kitty is in her bed, dressed in her night gown under the sheets. Joanne is on the bedside next to her.]

JOANNE: I don't understand it Kitty. Bob and I aren't married and yet he expects me to remember an anniversary.

KITTY: I'm just upset that Red and I are married and he forgot ours!

JOANNE: Well that's cuz it's Red, Kitty. [laughs] He's a "man".

KITTY: [laughs] Yes... he tries.[stops laughing because of what she said]

************[Fantasy Sequence. The Honeymooners. The scene is black and white. Kitty (Alice) is dressed up in the 50s clothes - she is placing the plates on the table. Bob comes in as Norton with the hat and vest.]

BOB: Hey Hey Kitty!!!

KITTY: Hello Bob.

BOB: I have a perdicament. I promised the little league boys I'd give them a apple if they hit a home run!

KITTY: Well what's the problem?

BOB: I'm all out of apples.

[Fake laugh - Kitty looks at the audience and shrugs. Red comes in, in a suit.]

RED: Kitty! I'm tired! Where's my dinner!

KITTY: [prissy] You'll get your dinner when I say you can get your dinner!

RED: [Jackie Gleason way] Ack! [sits on a chair]

KITTY: Hey Red! Did you forget what day it is?

RED: [looks at her] No I didn't forget what day it was!

KITTY: Then what day is it?

RED: I should be asking you what day is it.

BOB: It's your... your anniversary! Come now Red! [Bob starts doing the waving arms dance]

RED: [gets up] I knew that! Cuz I know! [arms waving] I know EVERYTHING!

KITTY: Well Red Forman... what did you get me?

RED: What did I get you? What did I get you?

[Joanne comes in with a package - she is dressed like Trixie. Red grabs the package from Joanne and gives it to Kitty]

RED: This is what I got you!

JOANNE: Red!

RED: Thank you Joanne for holding my gift for my wife for me! Thank you! [to Kitty] Open it Sweetheart!

KITTY: Oh Red! You shouldn't have! [opens it] It's... it's... a banjo? A banjo Red?

RED: [looks at Joanne] A banjo?!?! A banjo?!?! A banjo, Joanne?

JOANNE: [looks at Bob] A banjo, Bob?

BOB: Yeah... isn't it nice? [to Kitty] Happy Anniversary!

[Bob starts doing arms waving dance - his feet look like they are running in place, his arms are waving. Red grabs Bob's gat and starts hitting him with it.]

*****FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS

KITTY: A banjo?!?!

JOANNE: Kitty... calm down.

KITTY: Men! Psh! Never thinking with their head... always thinking with their --- [looks at Joanne and smiles]... cars...

[Commercial]

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[Donna's room. Eric is sitting on the bed. Donna is pacing around her room.]

ERIC: Can you believe my parent's troubling relationship is causing problems with Bob and Joanne?

DONNA: Yeah. Do you think we'll be like that?

ERIC: No. NO! Of course not!

[Donna sits on Eric's lap]

DONNA: What do you think it'll be like?

ERIC: Well... of course we'll be happy... we'll have lots of kids. One will be named Eric Jr.

DONNA: Wait... why does the kid get to be named after you?

ERIC: [laughs] Donna Jr. I mean... come on!

[Donna flashes him a look]

ERIC: It's pretty sexy! [does face] In a non-father-daughter sense.

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[Forman Basement. FEZ is with KikiDuck. He is petting the duck.]

FEZ: It is okay Kikiduck. They laugh because they don't understand. Oh sure just because you have a funny accent, puffy hair, tight sexy clothes, and a buttock as hard as steel, they think they can laugh! But no! [laughs] FEZ laughs at them!

KIKIDUCK: Quack.

FEZ: Yes... I'm glad someone agrees with me! [pets] Yes... we shall all be one happy family. [looks at Kikiduck] What shall I do with you?

[FEZ puts Kikiduck in the box and sits on the couch. He falls asleep.]

**************************FANTASY SEQUENCE*************************************

[Gilligan's Island. FEZ is Gilligan, wearing the red shirt and white hat. He is on the sand playing with Kikiduck.]

FEZ: Don't worry Kikiduck. My friends won't harm you.

[He lays on the sand with his white hat over his face. Kikiduck is on his lap sitting. You hear Jackie and Hyde coming - Hyde is wearing a rick sailor hat and suit. Jackie is wearing a summer outfit and is carrying an umbrella. They are the Howells.]

FEZ: [wakes up] Hello the Howels! [gets up and holds Kikiduck]

HYDE: Of all people I'm the old guy?

JACKIE: [grabs his arms] Quit complaining Steven! We're rich! Thank you FEZ!

HYDE: Look. We're out of food. We need Kikiduck.

FEZ: No! I won't let you harm her!

DONNA: [comes out from the side - she is Ginger] FEZ! We need to talk! [stops and turns around] Oh come on Eric! It isn't so bad.

ERIC: Easy for you to say! [comes out and he's Maryanne - wearing shorts and a girly top.] FEZ. What were you thinking?

HYDE: Hey FEZ. Nice job.

FEZ: Don't be complaining! You look nice.

[Eric rolls his eyes and does his gestures]

JACKIE: Hey where's Kelso?

[Everyone looks around.]

KELSO: [yells from offstage] I'm coming! [Kelso comes in as the Skipper - IN A FAT SUIT] FEZ! What did you do to me? I'm fat! You ruined my volumpous figure! And you know---- [looks at Eric]--- Nice legs!

[Eric rolls his eyes and turns around]

KELSO: Look FEZ! Why did you ruin my beauty?

FEZ: Enough! This is my fantasy!

DONNA: Look FEZ. There is no food here. Hand over the duck.

ERIC: Yeah. We're hungry.

KELSO / HYDE / JACKIE: Yeah! / Hand it over! / Mmm... roast duck!

FEZ: No. I will not give up my Kikiduck. Besides! [looks at Kelso] You need to lose some weight anyway pal!

[All of them cover FEZ. FEZ holds onto Kikiduck]

FEZ: NOOOOO!

************************FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS***************************************

[Wakes up from couch.]

FEZ: NOOOOOOO! [eyes open] Oh! [looks in box]

KIKIDUCK: QUACK.

[Kelso, Hyde, and Jackie come in from the side door.]

KELSO: Hey FEZ.

FEZ: [looks at them sternly] Don't hey me you son duck eating sons of a bitches!

[FEZ grabs the box with Kikiduck in it and goes out through the side door.]

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[Forman Living Room. Red and Bob. Red is in his chair. Bob is pacing about in front of the couch. They are both thinking.]

BOB: Red I don't understand! Joanne and I have been together for months and I feel the need for commitment.

RED: Shut up Bob.

BOB: Aw Geez Red. Our ladies are mad at us.

RED: Alright Bob. Here is what I am going to do for you. I'm going to give you some words of advice. [Bob listens in] Get out! And let them cool down. Kitty will eventually get over it as I soften her up with gentle words. "Oh Kitty of course you look beautiful." "No I don't think you need to shower!" "Oh Kitty... you look nothing over thirty!" [to Bob] See...

[Kitty and Joanne comes down from the stairs. Bob stands up when Joanne stands in front of him]

BOB: [sternly] Joanne! I have something to say!

JOANNE: [crosses her arms and looks hard at him] What Bob?

BOB: You look beautiful and nothing over thirty. Let's go home Jo-jo!

JOANNE: Allright.

[They turn to leave through the kitchen. - Joanne is the first to go through the kitchen door. Bob looks at Red and smiles. Red rolls his eyes - Bob and Joanne are gone]

KITTY: [crosses her arms - moves to the piano] Well Red Forman. Do you have anything to say?

RED: [gets up and walks toward Kitty] Yes Kitty. I'm sorry and you're beaut----

KITTY: Cut the crap Red. Next thing you'll say is that I don't need a shower!

RED: [coughs] Look Kitty. I really am sorry. I've just been so busy lately with the store and kicking Eric's ass!

KITTY: Oh Red! You're always busy!

RED: [puts his arm around her] Never busy for my girl! How about we go out tonight and I promise we'll do anything you want. Absolutely anything!

KITTY: Anything?

RED: Anything!

[Kitty smiles - evil. Red looks horrified.]

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[Forman Living Room. Red is wearing a dress. Kitty is sewing stuff onto him.]

RED: Kitty... this is so degrading!

KITTY: Shut up and hold still! [moves away and jumps up and down clapping] YAY! The girls at the sewing class are going to love this!

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[The Hub. Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, Hyde are at a booth. FEZ comes in empty handed and stands next to the booth.]

FEZ: Hello friends of FEZ!

ERIC / DONNA / HYDE / JACKIE / KELSO: Hey / Hey / Hey / Hello / FEZ!

ERIC: So where's your Duckie?

KELSO: Yeah where's Kikiduck?

FEZ: I gave her away. She's living in a nice farm now. [looks sad]

DONNA: We're sorry FEZ.

JACKIE: Yeah is there anything we can do for you?

HYDE: I can steal you something if you want.

KELSO: I know! We can steal you a pig!

FEZ: No no. It's okay. She's in a better place now. And I know that Kikiduck cannot help me get women. Who could not love this sexy, frisky ass son of a bitch? [smiles]

Waitress - SUNNY: [comes from behind FEZ] Excuse me? [FEZ turns around] Look. I'm sorry for being so rude to you. The fact is... I kind of think you're cute.

FEZ: Really? [turns to the group and smiles - with thumbs up - turns back] Really? Does my ass really turn you on?

Waitress - SUNNY: Um... so where is your little duck?

FEZ: Oh. I had to give her away. She's in a better place now.

Waitress-SUNNY: Oh. [not interested in FEZ] Well... then... I have to go back to work. [turns around to work]

FEZ: Wait! How about Saturday night?

Waitress - Sunny: [yells from offstage] I have to wash my hair!

FEZ: How about next Friday?

Waitress-Sunny: I'm washing my hair!

FEZ: What is it with you women and your hair! [turn to the gang]

HYDE: It's alright FEZ.

ERIC: Yeah FEZ. She just has a lot of hair problems. [nudges Jackie]

JACKIE: Yeah! Us pretty girls need to care for our hair! Donna. I suggest you and her talk.

DONNA: Gee. Thanks Jackie.

KELSO: Aw. Don't worry little buddy. Yeah. Sure she was sexy, hot, young, and attracted to the duck. But you know what. You'll just have to go buy another duck.

[Closing credits]

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[Forman Living Room. Kitty is still working on the dress.]

RED: Kitty how long is this going to take?

KITTY: Oh quit complaining Red! Everybody is not home.

[Eric comes in from the kitchen and stares. Red gives him a hard look. Eric smiles and turns back into the kitchen]

ERIC: [from the kitchen] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Red rolls his eyes]