Disclaimer: I own Shelly Chilt. I do not own the saying "Don't assume. When you assume, you make an *ass* out of *u* and *me*"; that is from "Eight Simple Rules About Dating My Teenage Daughter.

***

"No duh," I replied, not looking to see the carrier of the voice.

"You should try some warm water to get rid of the dirt first, then maybe you should see Madam Pomfry. She's a great nurse."

"Yes, I know, she helped me a while back in my second year . . . " I answered, examining the blisters.

"When you turned yourself into a cat?"

"Yes, well-how'd you know?" I asked, surprised. I looked up and saw Moaning Murtle. "Oh. It's you."

"Right . . ." she sniffled. "It's just me, Moaning Murtle. No one would care because I'm dead! Well I didn't ask to be dead, okay?" And with that, she flew away and flushed herself in her toilet.

"Okay . . ." I mumbled. "That was totally freaky." I removed my wand and thought of a good spell that could work. "Jenatia Vavoom!" I muttered, pointing my wand at my feet. Painfully, the blisters vanished and I put my shoes back on. I was still gonna kill Jimmy Choo, don't get me wrong, I was so gonna kill him.

I opened the door a crack and flicked my eyes from left to right. The hallway was empty. Finally! Malfoy had given up! Now that my feet were healed, I ran to the Head Boy/Girl chambers and ducked in the bathroom.

I looked into the mirror and it suddenly hit me. I had not been myself for the past few weeks. I had acted like this snobby popular girl who played revenge games and hurt her friends. I acted like a slut, falling into Malfoy's dumb ass seductive ways. Oh god. I had even agreed to sleep with him? What the hell had happened to me? I was even cussing, for crying out loud! I never used to be this way. I used to be this smarty-pants with bushy hair and bucked teeth. I used to have my skirt up to my knees. I used to be friends with Ron and Harry. I never played these kinds of games with them. I never even talked to Malfoy. He was supposed to be my enemy!

Things were obviously going bad.

I had to stop this act. It was so wrong. How could I do this? I had turned from smart to dumb in the last few weeks. I had put the duh in dumb. I had put the itch in bitch. I had put the ass in jackass. I was turning into the people that I had once despised! I had to change.

I checked the clock that oversaw the bathroom and noticed that it was two o'clock. I had missed a full class period! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I was so stupid!

I looked at my reflection. Who was this bitch that was looking right at me? Oh yeah, I forgot, it was me, myself, and I. I couldn't bear it any longer. I had to change. I should go back to my regular, dorky self. But, do I dare? Do I?

Apparently not, because I don't want to be my old self. Did my old self ever get a second look from Malfoy? Did my old self ever be wanted by Malfoy? Hell, did my old self ever be wanted period? No. My old self didn't. My old self wanted to be left alone with my books and my friends that I trusted. Well, at least it was safer.

I walked out of the bathroom and headed for my next class: Potions.

*

I sank into my seat and sighed.

"Hermione?"

I turned around and saw Harry and Ron. "Yes?" My heart was thumping against my ribs and I was afraid yet excited at the same time. Could they be friends again?

"Are you sleeping with Malfoy?" asked Ron, who was clutching his side.

"No," I answered sternly. "I'm not. He's nothing but a bloody b*stard who cant take no for an answer." I took a breath. "How's your gash, Ron?"

"It's gonna take a week to heal thanks to that bloody b*stard," he replied.

Harry grinned at Ron's mockery of his rival. "Hermione? Did he do anything to you? You missed Care of Magical Creatures, so I assumed-"

"Don't assume, Harry," I began. "Cause when you assume, you make *ass* out of *u* and *me*."

Ron roared with laughter. "Ouch! Don't make me laugh, 'Mione. It hurts . . ."

Now this was my life. This was my old self!!! Yay! I was becoming me again! Finally! "Sorry, Ron," I giggled as Professor Snape stepped into the classroom.

"Silence!" he yelled and everybody sat down in his or her seat. "Now, today we will be making a potion that will heal any disease . . ."

Tuning him out, I sighed and leaned my face into my hand. This was so boring! I'd already done this for extra credit in Transfiguration in our First Year! I already knew how to heal a sore throat and a cold and a blood blister! I read the book. Twice. Might as well let Malfoy do all the work. That way, he would at least learn something.

"Everybody understand?" asked Snape. Neville raised his hand high in the air. "Good. No questions. You may begin."

I turned around to look at Neville and saw the frown on his face. "It's all right, Neville," I comforted. "He can't get away with it every time. Besides, you shouldn't let it get to you. He does that to every Gryffindor."

He smiled at me. "Thanks, Hermione," he answered as his partner Shelly Chilt sat down beside him.

I turned back around and opened my notebook. I was starting to feel better already. I didn't know that hating the person I'm supposed to hate could make me smile again.

"Hello," said an evil voice beside me.

I didn't want to look at him. I knew who it was already. "Hi."

"Look, you can't be mad at me for absolutely nothing, you know."

"I know that. But you did do something. So I legally have a reason to give you the cold shoulder, an evil gaze, and the silent treatment." I looked at him with angry eyes.

"Ha-ha."

"That wasn't a joke."

"Whatever."

"Lizard Breath," I mumbled.

He rolled his eyes.

"So, let's get started, shall we?" I asked with a fake smile on my face.

"Whatever."

"You need a better attitude, mister."

He looked at me with great annoyance. "You are such a-"

"Watch your language, mister."

"What the hell?"

"I'm being annoying, aren't I?"

"Very."

"My job here is done." I stood and walked up to the front of the classroom. I won again! Ha! I couldn't believe it.

I felt an angry gaze bore into my back. And the next thing I knew, I wasn't in the classroom anymore. I was in a room. It was a Slytherin room. Someone pushed me onto the ground and everything went black.