Disclaimer: I don't own 'em! At least all the normal characters you recognize, I'm just borrowing the said characters. If I owned them, you could guarantee BtVS and AtS wouldn't be nearly such good shows as they are now! The story, my ego, and my soul belong to me, but if you want to give a kind donation, *ahem* I'll loan 'em out! LOL. Yes, I'm shameless, I know.

Author's Notes: As of yet? None. Do you have any idea how hard it is having author's notes for over one hundred stories? I thought not! Hmmph. Umm, just an idea I had, it was going to be kind of like individual journals or something. I'm not sure. But it's only for (un)alive people.

Story Notes: Hmm, how about when I've written it, then thought about it a lot, I'll put in notes, m'kay? LOL. Okay, so, chapter one takes place sometime after Angel got his soul. Chapter two takes place a little bit after Angelus got back. The third chapter takes place while Darla's human. The fourth takes place when Darla's pregnant with Connor. The fifth takes place right after Connor was born before he got taken to a hell dimension. The sixth takes place while Darla's back for that brief interlude with Connor prior to Jasmine arriving. And the final and seventh chapter happens right after the BtVS series final.

Summary: Angelus has been resouled, twice. Darla's been killed, twice. Spike's been first chipped, then resouled, and now he's dead. And what ever happened to Drusilla? Ever wonder how the rest of the fearsome four felt about all this?

Song: I don't want to talk about this.

Rating: 14-A for language and mentioned violence

Date Started: 03/03/03 Date Finished: 05/28/03





Chapter 4: Good Morning Sunshine: Drusilla




~~~Angel~~~


Good old Catholic guilt and Angelus provide a good deal of my self-hatred without much work on my part. However, there was one thing that I always knew I'd destroyed, hell, even Angelus knew he destroyed her. Not to say he felt bad, but he was responsible.

Responsibility, Dru was my responsibility.

I made sure that she was too weak to care for herself, so I always planned on being the one who would care for her. I couldn't have left her to die, despite Darla's demands, so I had to take care of her. Of course, I figured Spike was doing a good enough job or I never would have left him in charge of her.

Still, it's my fault for not checking up on her, not making sure that everything was okay. Left her to fun off with a chaos demon!? What was Spike thinking?

Not to say I don't deserve blame for that part of it, they were doing fine until Angelus got loose. Ahh, there's that guilt right when it almost doesn't seem like my fault.

Then I set them on fire, what, Dru didn't seem helpless enough without being crippled? Not sure when Darla left her, but it doesn't matter, we all knew the rules. You can't leave Dru alone, you always have to watch her, make sure she doesn't set any mobs after herself.

Must've decided she wanted to see the sunrise.

Dru always did have a fascination with the sun; she'd sit just out of reach and watch it, kept the rest of us up till all hours of the day worried about her.

The part of me that sees the greater good knows that this was for the best, Dru's killing rampages were simply by chance. Maybe the hat of that one lady told her to eat everybody at the tea party. I never did understand how that worked with Dru, although that hat experience was hard to forget.

The rest of me remembers, in excruciating detail, what I did to her. Such an innocent young girl and I ruined her life, destroyed her family, drove her insane, and now I've killed her.

~~~Darla~~~


What can I say, I'm pregnant, there's a soul infiltrating my mind… I'm sad that she's gone, all right? Dru, she was the baby of us, and we all took care of her.

She drove me mad with that "grandmum" stuff, but, I was her grandmother in a way, I was responsible for her, and I feel like I've let her down.

Stuck in my own drama with Angel I left her alone, did you know that? We all fucking knew that you can't leave Drusilla alone, but I did. I feel like I killed her, and worse, I feel BAD about it!

I'm sickening, I know.

Staying there was not an option between her wailing and that damn pounding of a baby's heartbeat. We were both healed by then, but I couldn't sit there day after day listening to her moaning about the stars and daisies and crying for Ms. Edith.

I've always hated that damn doll, I don't know how many times Angelus had to physically restrain me from throwing it in the fire just to stop her screaming. And I'll be damned if I know where it is now.

She probably left it somewhere with Spike. Maybe it's still stuck in the mansion from when Angelus came back. You'd be amazed at how coherent Dru can be when she's trying to find Ms. Edith.

It's hard to even imagine Drusilla being dead. She was more than like family, she was family, we destroyed her and she was ours. To keep and protect and hate and… now she's dead.

Having been dead, I can tell you it's not much fun.

More like an endless oblivion of whiteness. Everything about it will drive her mad… or I should say madder. Who knows, maybe it'll make her perfectly sane, but I know she'll be sad.

I highly doubt that Drusilla will like being dead any more than I did. When you've been alive this long, nothing is extremely boring.

Still, I'll miss her, hell save me; I think I'll even miss being called "grandmummy."

~~~Spike~~~


Don't get me wrong, I love the Slayer, but I loved my goddess for over a hundred years. Yeah, she left me for some slimy chaos demon. Still, I loved her for most of my vampire life; she was my black princess, my dark goddess, my everything.

Now she's gone in some blaze of sunshine and rioters flames.

Course, I suppose that's how Dru always wanted to go out; knowing her, she'd had a vision about dying long before any of us would have guessed. My princess did love her secrets.

I loved Dru, not just as my sire, not in some primitive mating way; I loved her, with every ounce of blood in my body. And it hurt, and not like some soppy poet would imagine either. Being with my goddess was a whole realm away from human pain, physically and emotionally, and you better believe that's the soddin' truth.

Somehow I can't quite grasp her being dead… with Buffy it was blinding pain, but I still can't believe Dru's gone. Or maybe I'm just numb about it all, s'not like I'm in love with Dru anymore, and we ended on right miserable terms, but…

Couple years I've loved the Slayer, I loved my princess for over a hundred and twenty, pretty much spent my entire unlife with her… it's hard to realize that she's gone.

And of course the part of me that still wants to be the Big Bad hates the fact that it's really over, no going back to my sadistic little vampire family. I mean last I heard the Bint was back, which means Peaches can't last too much longer but without Dru it'll never be the same.

'Sides, I figure if you could actually figure out what Dru was saying even ten percent of the time, you better be in mourning because if not, you're dead. Seeing as I could about figure her out almost the whole time, I think I ought to be allowed some bloody peace and quiet so I can sort this out.

I may be love's bitch, but I'm still my own demon, and I'm going to miss Dru, despite it all. We had some fun and lots of torture, what else can a bloke ask for?