After some fishing around Central Perk, Joey finally found a woman that was both attractive and not opposed to casual sex. He really wasn't in the mood for the hassle of another date right now. Joey played up the fact that he was on *Days of Our Lives* (never mind that Drake Ramoray was currently in a coma) so that he could use his semi-celebrity status to awe her. Fortunately, she was a soap fan who remembered when Joey was Drake before.

"Oh, right! They just wrote you back on the show, but we haven't seen your face yet." She looked excited. "Are you gonna wake up soon from the coma?"

"Uh, yeah, sure."

"When?"

"I can't tell you. It'll ruin the surprise. Do you wanna sleep with me or not?"

"Yes! Ooh, all my friends will be so jealous that I slept with a soap star."

Joey started to leave the coffeehouse with her. "Great, so where's your apartment?"

"Oh, can we go to your place? I would love to see it!"

He sighed. "Fine, but we have to hurry."

So they went upstairs, and Joey locked the front door so that he would at least have some warning when Chandler came home.

Then they immediately began kissing and heading toward Joey's bedroom. She sighed and enjoyed being passionately swept away, like she imagined that Drake would do on the soap. They frantically undressed, and once they were naked in bed, Joey found to his relief that he was potent after all. The third time was the charm, apparently.

Joey's problem before must have been that Amber and the stripper were too closely associated with Chandler and the night on the boat.

Joey made love to her eagerly and gratefully, but then something disturbing happened.

"Who's Chandler?" she asked, stopping him.

"What?"

"You said, 'Chandler'. Just now."

"What? I didn't."

"You did." She frowned and asked, "Wait, isn't that a guy's name? Or at least it's a last name. Like Adam Chandler on *All My Children*."

Horrified, Joey denied it desperately, "No, um, you misheard me. I said 'Amber'."

"Well, who's Amber then? There's nobody named that on *Days*."

"I-I don't know," he shrugged evasively. "I just, you know, so many names to learn in scripts... Can we just get back to the sex?"

"Okay."

So they continued, and this time Joey actually heard himself moaning Chandler's name. He pulled back from her, confused and aghast.



She was rather annoyed this time. "That's kinda weird, you know. Can't you just say my name instead? No more soap names."

He would have eagerly gone along, but he couldn't actually remember her name.

She saw it in his face and pouted indignantly.

"Well who's been calling who Drake?" he replied defensively.

She shrugged, "Fine. But I'm Diane, okay?"

"Okay. Diane."

They resumed having sex, and she called him "Joey" this time. But despite the reminder of her name, Joey couldn't do her the same courtesy. In fact, he found himself saying, "Oh God, Chandler!" If only he could make himself say "Amber" instead, or any other woman's name at this point!

This was the last straw for Diane, who pushed Joey off of her. "You know, this isn't as much fun as I thought it would be."

"No, no! Don't leave!"

"Let go!" Diane got out of bed and hurriedly dressed again. She scoffed and muttered, "You'd think you were the one just coming out of a coma! Get your head examined, okay?" She stormed out and slammed the door.

Joey collapsed on the bed and groaned. What the hell was the matter with him? Why couldn't he get back to normal? Why on earth did he have to go and kiss Chandler in the first place? Why look in his eyes and pull him close and find the moonlight romantic? How drunk could he be? In the past, during those fleeting moments that Joey had been tempted to repeat their New Year's kiss, Joey had always stopped himself with the thought, "No, it's just the beer getting to me. Chandler kisses everybody when he's drunk, so I should cut back some and stay in control."

Now here Joey was, completely sober, yet imagining Chandler during sex! Maybe he did need to see a shrink or something? Not knowing what else to do, Joey got out of bed and went to take a cold shower.

When he re-emerged in his bathrobe, he heard the chick and the duck in Chandler's bedroom, pecking at the door and complaining loudly. Joey hadn't left the lower half ajar so that they could let themselves out like they usually did.

So he went over and opened the door for them. Free at last, they flapped their wings and showed irritation with Joey. "You think you've had a bad day?" he scoffed in return.

Joey went back to his bedroom to get dressed and make the bed again. The birds followed after him, apparently wanting some attention after being cooped up and ignored for so long. They kept tugging at his pants and quacking a lot.

"What's the matter with you?" Joey asked.

The rooster clucked at him, and Joey started to shoo both the birds into the living room. Perhaps if he turned on the TV to entertain them, the birds would leave him alone.

Suddenly, in the hallway outside, Joey heard footsteps and approaching voices.

Chandler spoke anxiously, "Please, please, go home!"

"No!" Carol refused sternly.

"But he might not even be home right now."

"So?" Susan said. "We'll wait for him with you."

"No, no! Just go home!" Chandler begged.

With a frown, Joey listened at the door and wondered what was going on. The birds, too, fell silent.

Susan said, "Chandler, stop arguing with us. You obviously need to talk to him."

"But we already talked! He's not gay. He doesn't want me."

They scoffed in disbelief. "He was the one that kissed you!"

"And he asked you to move in with him again."

Chandler insisted, "He's just trying to be nice. It's pity or guilt."

"He *should* feel guilty!"

"Yeah, that crap he told you on the boat obviously came from homophobia and self-hatred. He can't handle his feelings for you, so he's denying them and pretending it's all you."

"No, please!" Chandler blocked the door in a panic. "Please leave."

Carol said, "Chandler, just get out of the way. Trust us, we know more about this stuff than you do. We'll get you both through it."

Susan added, "What are you so scared of? If we're right, he loves you too, and you can be happy together."

"But what if you're wrong? I mean, all those women he's been with--"

"But he kissed you anyway, and you told us all the moments you've had with him before. He obviously feels something for you."

"But it didn't mean anything to him. He said--" Chandler choked up and slid down to the floor miserably. "And if you're wrong, then what? He rejects me again? He's mad at me for bringing you here and he kicks me out and never wants to see me again?"

"That wouldn't happen--"

"It would!" Chandler moaned. "I just, I can't take it. When he said all that stuff to me, it hurt so much. And him going back and sleeping with that girl Amber--it was, it was the worst--" He broke down into tears.

Carol and Susan knelt down with him and hugged him.