A Night on the Balcony

A Night on the Balcony

I went out onto the balcony again last night. It seems to have become a persistent habit. I looked out over the sleeping city. Here and there a car wound slowly, lazily around the streets that were now nearly devoid of life. The moon slung the shadows around in their silvery fashion. Someone told me once that before Second Impact, the moon had an orbit that led it up all the way across the sky. But now with the Earth's lesser tilt, it barely rose above the lower quarter before sinking down again.

The night air was cool, a pleasant contrast to the heat of the day. It was a time to relax, but my mind still reeled in thought. A lot had happened today. I have started feeling something towards Soryu. I almost feel… jealous of Hikari for getting to spend so much time with her. I don't know what it is, but it is there. I have often wondered what it is to love. Is this it? Would I know it if it came to me?

Surely I love my mother, or the memory of her. That I hold dear to me, but already I can not remember much of her. Feelings mostly. I remember her love. The warmth and compassion she felt towards me. But Soryu is different. She makes my breath and heart quicken and my palms sweat. She still calls me names, but now with less malice, and more playfulness. It is a very disturbing image, but I remember it from somewhere, lying in some warm pool of liquid, Asuka leaning forward "Hey, Shinji, idiot, do you want to become one with me?" When did that happen?

My memories of late have been jumbled together. Things have happened so fast since I arrived. For a while I was unknown, but that gave way to a brief fame, then that gave way again to loneliness. It seems my lot in life that I move through this life abandoned and forsaken for something else. Abandoned by my mother for death. My Father for Eva. My Uncle for these…battles. But maybe this is different. Maybe my life is getting better somehow.

Just thinking about her, my heart nearly leaps from my chest, and flits around in the cool night air, dancing among the beams as though they were warmth from her body near mine. I have never had thoughts like these before either. Am I that messed up? Or is this normal? The stars twinkle at me, but if they are answering my questions, I can't decipher the code.

Yesterday, in class, we were listening to the teacher drone on, and only I and a few other students were still conscious. Asuka was asleep at her desk, head resting on her folded arms. Her strawberry hair fell to her shoulders, then around her neck, and cascaded off the desk between the edge and her own chest. She stayed like that for a long time, and I found myself studying her. The wrinkles of her shirt at the bend at the shoulder. The thin line of drool that had formed from her mouth to the desk. The soft peaceful serene look on her face that spoke of true contentment. The black marks between the red areas on the connection bands she wore all the time. Her breathing that seemed to add and withdraw color from the room, as though she was the creator of reality at that moment. It was then that I wondered first. Had I grown to love this goddess, who only days ago had scorned me and humiliated me? I bear her no malice, no discontent. She is what I crave, and yet I know not how to contact her.

I hear Pen² snoring through the insulated freezer door. The soft whirring as a missile battery next door goes through its checks. The ticking sound of some insect that just landed at my feet. The ringing in my own ears from straining to hear in the oppressive silence. How I wish to hear her laughter. Real laughter, not the weak façade that she puts up, or the enjoyment at my torment…

Asuka? Who are you? Why have you inflicted me with this passion? Was I your intended target? I am worthy of something so great? What will the next step be? When? Oh that it could happen soon. Patient though I may be, anxious at the same time….

The moon is setting behind the mountains now, casting its haze around them, the diffuse light shooting forwards, marking the sky long after it has sunk from sight. The lawn furniture sitting outside on the balcony is not comfortable. I have long lines in my back by now. They are painful. But more pain, much more pain, would I endure to sit to watch a beautiful night like this, and think the thoughts of love, about a girl so lovely.

As Shinji sat in the chair outside looking over the city, the dark shape watched him, silently, thoughtfully. It wondered what he was thinking about, and why the dreamy look in his eyes and on his face. Her brow furrowed, and she could almost feel his pain and his…love? She backed into the darkness, and went to her room to think on this discovery. She would sit there for a long time before she thought of what to do…

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