You know, seeing Shinji there watching the slumbering city that night was
something that bothered me. I have known him for several months now, and I
thought I knew him pretty well. He had never seemed to me to be the type
to really think about others with much passion. I had always noticed him
sulking, being dragged along by others, and that is why I disliked him so.
He had no spark. No purpose. No direction. But even being so still and
so thoughtful that night, I saw in him the purpose and direction that had
eluded him so long.
He sat there, very still, and just thought. I knew instantly that he was thinking of me. At first, I must admit I was offended. What gave him the right to think about me in anything but a competative role. I was his ally as much as his adversary. One of these days I would defeat an angel single handedly, and I would show him that I did not need his help. This has been the way that I had seen him since I met him. Purposeless as he might have been, he was a threat to my reputation and the recognition that I was destined for. But here he was thinking of me not as a competitor, but with compassion.
Last night I made my own venture out to the balcony to see for myself what the moon and the stillness would bring me. The revelation that Shinji had thought of me perhaps as a freind, perhaps even more required some reflection. It was cool, almost to the point of being cold. Clouds in the sky occasionally blocked out the moon.
Here and there the wind blew dry leaves around in little circles, and poorly maintained street lights flickered on and off. The wind almost made a sighing sound as I sat down, and gathered my thoughts.
Shinji. The spineless jerk. He was so weak, and yet he showed me up in battle so easilly. While he is a little attractive, I would never tell him that. I just can't get past his inability to function well in society. I don't think that he would ever make it in the real world without at least some change. Although he does have a lot of usefull skills. He does almost all of the housework, and there is never a substitute for being able to do things for yourself. But still, if he can't make and keep friends, he is never going to be...what? Happy? Does happiness constitute having friends? Maybe he likes being alone. Although I can't imagine likeing being lonely. And lonliness... Such a desolate feeling. Like there is a gaping hold in your chest, a dull ache that can't be filled or laid to rest. Hey. That rhymed and I didn't realize it.
Every now and then I do catch some confidence in him. I found him playing his cello a few days ago. He did not look lonely or forlorn at all. He was at peace, happy. He played with confidence. With passion even. It was a sad song, more a remembering song. Remembering how things used to be, or how nice something was in the past. I was in my room when he started playing, and while I listened I could almost feel that hole in my chest open up. It made me feel lonely. Even though I have friends and people who like me, I could not help but feel the lonliness embedded in the music.
God, when am I ever going to get to the point? One of these days I guess.
Shinji. The Invincible Shinji. Eaten by an Angel, and ripped his way out of its guts. Had a hole blasted in his chest, and not only ripped off one of the angels arms and used it for his own, but ate the damned thing too. I often wonder if that was him doing it, or had the Eva become aware, and showed us the awesome power it commanded, and the brutality it could bring to bear? I was never so scared as I was when I watched Shinji's Unit 01 covered in blood, looking so much the homicidal maniac standing in the middle of the wrecked city, surveying the carnage it had caused, savoring the death that it had layed upon the angel. I shudder to think that it was pleased at the sight of hunks of dead flesh littering the blasted earth.
Is that strength? Or is strength putting up with me and NERV every day? I heard some bits and peices of his life. I can't say that there is no similarity to my own. And looking back on how I have treated him, I can't say that I blame him for shutting people out. I have been rotten to him. I have berated him relentlessly. Even in the face of his saving my life. He does these things, and I throw it in his face as though I could not care less.
I guess the point is, I... I don't know what I feel for Shinji. Admiration? Sorrow? Friendship? Kinship?..... Love? Surely not. That I would love someone like him? And what if I did? There is absolutely nothing really wrong with him. Of course I guess there isn't. So long as his bits and peices work correctly, right?
Whatever it was, I certainly did not feel for anyone else like that. I have never really admired anyone. I have felt sorry for some people but not really on the same level that I do for him. His life was a tragedy like mine. As freinds, I know him better than anyone, and he knows me better than anyone around here. Even Hikari. Until Hikari steps into an Eva and pilots it alongside me, she would never know that much about me. Kinship... back to the past things again.
Love? Never before have I known love. At least that I remember. I almost don't know my own father, so engrossed in his work as he is. My mother. I don't like thinking or talking about that. None of my friends or fellow students, noone. Although I have gotten the distinct impression that Shinji thinks highly of me, I am just not sure about love. What does that feel like? To be loved. Only time would tell perhaps.
I look back inside the dark apartment. The wall clock reads 2 AM. Fortunately enough tomorrow is a day off. Thinking about the bad things that I have done to Shinji has gotten me downhearted. I really ought to do something to say that I am sorry for treating him like that. I do have some moral standards. And lately I have been violating them left and right when it came to him.
Standing up, my right hip pops, and stretching, so does my lower back, my neck, and my left elbow. I lean on the railing for one last moment of quiet reflection. And then... "I am sorry Shinji."
Time for sleep. Tomorrow, I vow, I will swallow my pride and tell Shinji about how I think of him. What will he think? I hope that he will take me seriously. I would understand however if he thought it was a joke. I have done things like that too him before, and I know it made him feel really bad. Now will be my chance to try and make it up.
Passing by his room, I hear him mumbling in his sleep. I take a quick peek. He is laying off to the side of his futon, curled up, both hands behind his back in some wierd sleeping position. No covers on him. He mumbles again. He must be really tired. He only seems to talk when he is tired.
"I love...you...ghazzzz" He says. Hmmm.
"Who do you love?" I ask softly. Just enough that he can hear me but not so loud that he will wake up.
"Hmm?"
"Who do you love, Shinji?"
"Ummm. Uhhhum.." He takes a few breaths to think it over. I can almost smell the oil burning. "You?"
"Who am I?"
"Asuka. Your Asuka alright." He smiled in his sleep. I put the covers over him, and left the room. That was wierd. I hope he never catches me like that. If he does I hope he sees something provocative. He would have a nosebleed and faint. That would be hilarious. Although... exposing myself. I don't really like the thought of that. Course it would still be funny.
I must have lay in bed continuing to think about things for another hour. But sleep was good. In my dream, we were both there, and we were good friends. It felt good to know someone like that. ****************************************************************************
Pen Pen watched the episode both on the balcony and in Shinjis lovely suite. What kind of game was she playing on him? At least she seemed to be lacking that mischevious atmosphere about here. He would have to keep an eye on develoments. He couldn't let things get bad for the only person who could make food that wouldn't kill him.
OMAKE:
Misato sat out on the balcony watching absolutely nothing happen. The moon was not out tonight. No cars drove by, no wind blew, no lights flickered.
And during the entire hour that she was out there, she worried over the increasingly mountainous pile of damage claims that were piling up on her desk.
"Damned kids."
He sat there, very still, and just thought. I knew instantly that he was thinking of me. At first, I must admit I was offended. What gave him the right to think about me in anything but a competative role. I was his ally as much as his adversary. One of these days I would defeat an angel single handedly, and I would show him that I did not need his help. This has been the way that I had seen him since I met him. Purposeless as he might have been, he was a threat to my reputation and the recognition that I was destined for. But here he was thinking of me not as a competitor, but with compassion.
Last night I made my own venture out to the balcony to see for myself what the moon and the stillness would bring me. The revelation that Shinji had thought of me perhaps as a freind, perhaps even more required some reflection. It was cool, almost to the point of being cold. Clouds in the sky occasionally blocked out the moon.
Here and there the wind blew dry leaves around in little circles, and poorly maintained street lights flickered on and off. The wind almost made a sighing sound as I sat down, and gathered my thoughts.
Shinji. The spineless jerk. He was so weak, and yet he showed me up in battle so easilly. While he is a little attractive, I would never tell him that. I just can't get past his inability to function well in society. I don't think that he would ever make it in the real world without at least some change. Although he does have a lot of usefull skills. He does almost all of the housework, and there is never a substitute for being able to do things for yourself. But still, if he can't make and keep friends, he is never going to be...what? Happy? Does happiness constitute having friends? Maybe he likes being alone. Although I can't imagine likeing being lonely. And lonliness... Such a desolate feeling. Like there is a gaping hold in your chest, a dull ache that can't be filled or laid to rest. Hey. That rhymed and I didn't realize it.
Every now and then I do catch some confidence in him. I found him playing his cello a few days ago. He did not look lonely or forlorn at all. He was at peace, happy. He played with confidence. With passion even. It was a sad song, more a remembering song. Remembering how things used to be, or how nice something was in the past. I was in my room when he started playing, and while I listened I could almost feel that hole in my chest open up. It made me feel lonely. Even though I have friends and people who like me, I could not help but feel the lonliness embedded in the music.
God, when am I ever going to get to the point? One of these days I guess.
Shinji. The Invincible Shinji. Eaten by an Angel, and ripped his way out of its guts. Had a hole blasted in his chest, and not only ripped off one of the angels arms and used it for his own, but ate the damned thing too. I often wonder if that was him doing it, or had the Eva become aware, and showed us the awesome power it commanded, and the brutality it could bring to bear? I was never so scared as I was when I watched Shinji's Unit 01 covered in blood, looking so much the homicidal maniac standing in the middle of the wrecked city, surveying the carnage it had caused, savoring the death that it had layed upon the angel. I shudder to think that it was pleased at the sight of hunks of dead flesh littering the blasted earth.
Is that strength? Or is strength putting up with me and NERV every day? I heard some bits and peices of his life. I can't say that there is no similarity to my own. And looking back on how I have treated him, I can't say that I blame him for shutting people out. I have been rotten to him. I have berated him relentlessly. Even in the face of his saving my life. He does these things, and I throw it in his face as though I could not care less.
I guess the point is, I... I don't know what I feel for Shinji. Admiration? Sorrow? Friendship? Kinship?..... Love? Surely not. That I would love someone like him? And what if I did? There is absolutely nothing really wrong with him. Of course I guess there isn't. So long as his bits and peices work correctly, right?
Whatever it was, I certainly did not feel for anyone else like that. I have never really admired anyone. I have felt sorry for some people but not really on the same level that I do for him. His life was a tragedy like mine. As freinds, I know him better than anyone, and he knows me better than anyone around here. Even Hikari. Until Hikari steps into an Eva and pilots it alongside me, she would never know that much about me. Kinship... back to the past things again.
Love? Never before have I known love. At least that I remember. I almost don't know my own father, so engrossed in his work as he is. My mother. I don't like thinking or talking about that. None of my friends or fellow students, noone. Although I have gotten the distinct impression that Shinji thinks highly of me, I am just not sure about love. What does that feel like? To be loved. Only time would tell perhaps.
I look back inside the dark apartment. The wall clock reads 2 AM. Fortunately enough tomorrow is a day off. Thinking about the bad things that I have done to Shinji has gotten me downhearted. I really ought to do something to say that I am sorry for treating him like that. I do have some moral standards. And lately I have been violating them left and right when it came to him.
Standing up, my right hip pops, and stretching, so does my lower back, my neck, and my left elbow. I lean on the railing for one last moment of quiet reflection. And then... "I am sorry Shinji."
Time for sleep. Tomorrow, I vow, I will swallow my pride and tell Shinji about how I think of him. What will he think? I hope that he will take me seriously. I would understand however if he thought it was a joke. I have done things like that too him before, and I know it made him feel really bad. Now will be my chance to try and make it up.
Passing by his room, I hear him mumbling in his sleep. I take a quick peek. He is laying off to the side of his futon, curled up, both hands behind his back in some wierd sleeping position. No covers on him. He mumbles again. He must be really tired. He only seems to talk when he is tired.
"I love...you...ghazzzz" He says. Hmmm.
"Who do you love?" I ask softly. Just enough that he can hear me but not so loud that he will wake up.
"Hmm?"
"Who do you love, Shinji?"
"Ummm. Uhhhum.." He takes a few breaths to think it over. I can almost smell the oil burning. "You?"
"Who am I?"
"Asuka. Your Asuka alright." He smiled in his sleep. I put the covers over him, and left the room. That was wierd. I hope he never catches me like that. If he does I hope he sees something provocative. He would have a nosebleed and faint. That would be hilarious. Although... exposing myself. I don't really like the thought of that. Course it would still be funny.
I must have lay in bed continuing to think about things for another hour. But sleep was good. In my dream, we were both there, and we were good friends. It felt good to know someone like that. ****************************************************************************
Pen Pen watched the episode both on the balcony and in Shinjis lovely suite. What kind of game was she playing on him? At least she seemed to be lacking that mischevious atmosphere about here. He would have to keep an eye on develoments. He couldn't let things get bad for the only person who could make food that wouldn't kill him.
OMAKE:
Misato sat out on the balcony watching absolutely nothing happen. The moon was not out tonight. No cars drove by, no wind blew, no lights flickered.
And during the entire hour that she was out there, she worried over the increasingly mountainous pile of damage claims that were piling up on her desk.
"Damned kids."
