With all the candles in position Willow went over the whole process for the eleventh time, making sure Buffy wouldn't make a mistake. It was true, Buffy was a little wigged, not knowing what she'd find in her friends mind. It was Xander so it would probably be a naked Anya, or dusted Spike.

She was ready, she was sure of it.

She wasn't ready. Willow going in there would be eiser, she knew him since they were five so the akwardness would be at a minimum, But its like she was evesdropping on the man's innermost thoughts. But she was also positive that she was the one who did this to him, she needed to be the one to bring him back. She exhaled deeply and went back to her position.

She was ready.
************

It was dark. She couldn't see her hand in front of her face, she couldnt see anything. The only reason she was sure her eyes were open was because she could feel the air hit them. Where was she? "Xander has a freaky subconscience." she said aloud.

"And you think you're from Saneville USA?" She heard him say. It was coming from beneath her... like he was lying on the floor, of course there being a floor was still up for debate since she hadn't seen it yet.

"I'm not the one who thought I was a crazy in LA." He spoke again. This time it was above her. She moved her head, trying to see, but it was impossable.

"Where are we Xander? Why is it so dark."

"So there wont be any shadows. light makes the shadows come out, we cant have that. No light, no shadows."

"What, you're Peter Pan now, lost your shadow? Ok, I'll bite. I'm Wendy, so lets sow the thing back on and get out of here."

"Its not that simple."

"It never is. Look, I need to see you, Xander. So turn on the lights."

"Making demands in another person's mind.... I don't have to see to know you're Buffy."

She kept looking around, although she still couldn't see. This was really begining to freak her out. Just then someone, most likely Xander since it was his mind, turned on the lights. She was begining to wish he hadn't.

***********
Xander was there, he was younger though, something like 11. He was in the basement of his parent's house. He was hunkered down in the corner.

"Why are we here?"

"Because I deserve it. I failed. She is in pain because I couldn't stop him. I could have and I didn't, I'm a failure."

"Did a vampire hurt someone?"

Little Xander shook his head. He pointed up the stairs.

"Something much worse." She heard banging.... then it sounded like someone fell.

"What's up there? A demon?"

"Worse." He then put his head down. Buffy put her arm around him trying to comfort him. She looked up again and they weren't in the basement anymore. Fully grown Xander was standing in front of her.

"What was that Xander?"

"Doesn't matter. That was nothing you were supposed to see. So why are you here? shouldn't you be boinking Room-tempature?"

"That's harsh."

"In all fairness Buffy, it is my mind. I get to be impolite. You on the other hand shouldn't be here."

"Nither should you. You need to snap out of this."

"Buff, you don't even know what snapped."

"Why don't you show me?"

"And do that whole 'us through the years, see how you've treated me badly'? Seriously Buffy, thats way over done. I like to think of myself as pro-active guy."

"So let me help you."

"You broke my heart Buffy.... figurativly and physically."

"I don't understand, why? Because I was kissing Spike?"

He consentrated on her face for a moment or two, then moved his head to the side and smiled as though he had just figured something out.

"You're a lot like her."

"Who?"

"My mom. God, she used to say the same thing. Actually it wasn't the same thing. It was more like, 'He'll be better, I promise'" He mocked.

This subconscience Xander was begining to freak her out. He wasn't warm and loving, He was harsh and cold. This couldn't be the real Xander. This had to be because of what happened to him... it effected him.

"Who'll be better? You know for pro-active guy you are looking a lot like talks-in-riddles guy."

"I just want to ask out of couritosity, do you still think you can change him? He'll be the good guy you KNOW he can be." This Xander was trying very hard not to laugh.

"He has a soul, its different."

"'He's stopped drinking, its different honey.' I fell for that once, never again!!!"

Now he was angry. It slowly came apon Buffy, "Your father."

"I failed her. She's hollow you know. She doesn't think I can see it, but I do. Its my gift acording to Dawn. She makes fruit roll ups and fusses and does every thing she should, but really she died so many years ago. She is so far gone.... I was supposed to be the one to bring her back, to save her. I failed. You know what its like to look at your mother's face and hate yourself? Of course not, because if its not about Buffy it doesn't matter."

"That is way out of line Xander you don't-"

"'Xander, you don't know how hard it is to be me' Shut up!! this is not the world according to Buffy show. This is my so-called Xanderific life! You don't get to be self-centered here, I know it'll be hard, you think you can handle that?"

"I'm just here to help you. There is no reason for you to be acting like this twards me."

"I know, but you know what? I'm angry. You're here and the reason why I am so angry. I may have no right to be mad at you but that isn't going to stop me.

"Why can't you just be strong? Why can't you just forget about the undead? Why can't you stop letting him hurt you? He is hurting you and you're letting it happen, and every time I see it I feel a part of me dying. You're gonna loose him and you, you are going to become a shell and you don't even care."

Xander was fluctuating between anger and sobbing. She didn't know how to feel. At first anger was the only thing on her mind, but then slowly she noticed she began crying. It wasnt a sob, more silent, she didn't know who she was crying for. Him or herself, a little of both maybe.

"He is different now. He isn't hurting me, I dont think he will anymore."

"I can't hear this! I can't be hearing this! You know what? I just figured out how I can stop this. Forget about you. Screw you!! Go to hell for all I care!! You hear that? I hate you!! I hate you so much!! I hate you..." He was on the floor in uncontrollable sobs. She held him in her arms, suprised he didn't turn away from her.

"I love you Xander. I'm sorry for what this is doing to you but I can't ignore it anymore, there is something between Spike and me."

"Yeah, and its called death. You know you are going to love him and its going to consume you untill there is nothing left. I thought you knew better than that."

"I did. God Xander, you think I understand what I'm doing, or the way I'm feeling? The slayer lives in darkness, thats just the way it is."

He looked her deep in the eyes, standing up again. "Buffy doesn't. Buffy is a hero of mine. The slayer, she's no hero... she is only a part of who you are. She doesn't controll who you are, who you are controlls the slayer. Why do you think you've been friends with me and Will for the past seven years? Buffy is never alone because she has friends. Which means the slayer will never be alone. To see him consuming Buffy..... you can't let that happen. Buffy you are strong."

"I thought this was about you?"

"I've loved you for seven years, anything to do with you is about me. Go, think about what I've said and come back when you have an answer."

"You know telling a self-centered person to think about their own lives is like adding fule to the fire."

"Yeah, well you got me into this mess so...."

"I'll do what ever you want me to, just as long as you don't stop your heart anymore. Xander I need you. Not to fix windows, you're my heart. My rock. I don't ever want to think about how life would be without you."

"Making more demands? Ok, but I'm not waking up, at least not yet... I haven't actually figured out how to do that yet. I.... Buffy you know this wasnt some kind of ploy right? I mean I didn't even know what was happening... I didn't know I could controll anything I was doing untill...."

"You saw me kissing Spike. I hate that I hurt you. I hate that I don't know if I can make this right. I hate feeling the way I do about him. But I guess you are right, death is what connects me to him..."

"And life connects you to me." He smiled a real Xander smile, one that warmed her heart.

She couldn't help smiling back and kissing the top of his head very much the same way he had done to her sister.

She found herself outside his mind. surrounded by candles that had melted till there was nothing but hard wax left. She opened the door and was met by Willow and Giles.

"God Buffy, you've been in there for the longest time. What did you see? Anything helpful? Did you see what did this to him?"

"He did this to himself Will. Don't worry, he's stopping the heart stopping. He said he didn't know he was the one doing it untill he was unconscience. Giles, can you look up any reason how he could do that?"

"What are you going to do?"

"I have to go think.... a lot."
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Author's notes: I like writing these dreamy subconscience scenes :P they are just plain fun for me. And all work and no play makes Laurie a dull girl.... actually Laurie being a dull girl makes her a dull girl.