What was I thinking? No, correction, what was I thinking with? God Buffy how could you? No, wait; it's not my fault. He was the one looking all funny with the blanket all around him and that terrified look on his face. And then he had to smile, that stupid goofy adorable grin. Damnit. And then Fred had to... I don't know whether to thank or kill her for that...

What the hell am I thinking? This is Xander. Gagflugal horn playing, funny Hawaiian shirt wearing, big brother of Dawn. This is not the person you have horizontal thoughts about. This is the person you have brotherly thoughts about, brotherly thoughts that include clothing. And absolutely NO lips. Damnit.

Why does he think there is something going on between Angel and me? I'll always love him but that doesn't mean I'm going to jump him. God sometimes Xander can be such a moron.

But maybe it's for the best. I don't think I could tell him how I feel about him. Especially since I'm not all that sure how I feel. And I don't think I can take that rejection. I mean he would be all nice about it, making sure he would do anything to not hurt my feelings. Why can't you be an asshole Xander?

I think its been happening for a while now, but I noticed it first when we started to talk. He said what his father did. To him, to his mother. Hearing what he went through, and survived made him that much more loved. I didn't know I wanted to love him any more than I already did... no wait I don't mean that. I didn't know I could love him that much. I never wanted to have these feelings towards him.

I think about how Dawn always felt about him. She had the biggest crush on him; I think she still does a little. I wonder, Dawn is from me, she is me. Can she.... Was she able to see something in him I just couldn't? Did she have a crush on him because somewhere inside me I do too? It's all soo confusing.

I... I just wish we were back in high school.... Oh, now I know I really didn't mean that. I mean I wish I had said yes when I had the chance... Just one dance. Maybe I could have seen what I see now...
**********

"Do you mind?"

"Mind?" Xander looked at Buffy standing above him.

"I have to make the beds down here. Apparently Angel and his crew need to stay here, everybody does. Including you."

"You are not making me sleep anywhere near Dead Boy, are you?"

"Naw, I thought everyone would be a lot happier if the Fang Gang stayed down here and-"

"Scoobies upstairs. Good plan, but you do know I have no where to sleep."

"Your in Dawn's room."

"Ummm... you do know how Summers women are irresistible to me, but-"

"Dawnie is sleeping in my room. You get hers and Willow and Kennedy get their room."

"Buff I don't want to put Dawn out of her own bed, I can sleep in the basement. Remember I've had a lot of practice with that."

"Basements too far away from me."

They both fell silent for a moment.

"If something comes in the house, tries to hurt you, I wont hear it if you're in the basement. Its easier if we're together."

***********************

"So Dawn how are things?"

"Fine." She sat back down on the couch flipping the channels until she got to a Three Stooges show.

"You don't like cartoons anymore? I heard there is a network or something-"

"Cartoons are for Saturday morning. Stooges are classic." She didn't look to the ensouled vampire.

"Are you angry with me Dawn?"

"No.... Its just it's a pretty lame excuse to see her. You know she doesn't love you like that."

"What makes you so sure?"

"You've moved on with Cordelia, why would you care if she does or doesn't?"

"I don't know, I just do."

"She was me."

Angel looked at the teen, puzzled.

"She was my age. Thats one big reasons Xander didn't like you. It would be like if he were to hit on me... He said if you really loved her you would have waited for her."

"Yup. Remember Dawn, two more years and you'll be 18, then you'll be in trouble." Xander winked at the teen. "Buffy wants you upstairs, to get ready for bed. You don't have to go to school tomorrow. Fred and Lorne said it wouldn't be safe."

Dawn went upstairs saying her goodnights on the way. Xander didn't know what to say to Angel.

"You never told me, or Buffy."

"You two were so wrapped up in your melodramatic fantasy-love you wouldn't have cared if I did. She was a kid man. I admit she had to grow up fast, but then we all did, that didn't give you the right to hop on the statutory express. Don't get me wrong, I'm not still mad, I just thought you would have seen how wrong it was by now."

"I knew it then. Do you want to say no to Buffy, ever?"

"Nope, I like my limbs. So, You treat Cordy badly, as in make her cry, give her a hell spawn to raise then leave her all alone on Friday nights so you can go out drinking with the boys, and I will turn you to ash."

They both sat in silence for a moment, both expressionless.

"Yeah, that's fair. Buffy.... I knew. I know. You still love her. I wont tell her... "

"Thanks."

They sat in silence for five minutes.

"So your heart stopped."

"Yeah, that was not the highlight of my year." He paused for a moment, "Yours still stopped?"

"Yeah, its a real bummer."

"Man, I can't believe you just said 'bummer.'"