The Grass Skirt
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING. LAUNDRY ROOM.
JERRY IS USING THE DRIER. JUDY ENTERS. SHE'S AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE.
SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE PHOEBE CATES.
JUDY
Mind if I use the washer?
JERRY
Go right ahead.
JUDY
Thank you.
JERRY
Y'know, if I stare long enough at my washing going round,
I swear I can see Tom Brokaw in there.
JUDY
(LAUGHS) If he starts reading the news, I'm outta here.
JERRY
Jerry Seinfeld. Apartment 5A.
JUDY
Judy Lovitz. Apartment 3b.
JERRY
3b? Mrs Berkowitz's old place? Such a shame what happened to her.
JUDY
Dying peacefully in her sleep at 93? We should all be so lucky.
JERRY
I suppose so.
JUDY
Know what they found in her personal effects? A signed photo of JFK.
'To Maudey, for all your help, love JFK.'
JERRY
'For all your help?' What you suppose that meant?
JUDY
I'm guessing it wasn't for advice on the Cuban Missile Crisis...
JERRY
So you think they...
JUDY
Why not, he did everyone else.
JERRY
Boy, I wish I'd got to know her better.
JUDY
It's not too late, she's still on ice down the city morgue.
JERRY'S DRY CYCLE ENDS. HE POPS THE DOOR.
OUT FALL A LARGE PAIR OF NEWMAN'S UNDERPANTS. JUDY PICKS THEM UP.
JUDY
Wow!
SHE HURRIES OUT.
JERRY
No! No! They're not mine! They're not mine!
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ELAINE.
JERRY
We were getting along great. Joking. Flirting. She was smiling.
I was imagining her naked. Things were really clicking.
ELAINE
Uh huh. Was there eye contact?
JERRY
There was eye contact.
ELAINE
Cosmo magazine says eye contact is very important in the first stages of a relationship.
No eye contact - blah! - forget about it.
JERRY
Well if Cosmo magazine says so it must be true.
ELAINE
No eye contact. You're not getting any.
JERRY
That's good to know, Dr Ruth. Could I tell my story now?
ELAINE
Knock yourself out.
JERRY
So I open the drier and Newman's underpants fall out.
ELAINE
What are you doing washing Newman's underpants?
JERRY
Well obviously they got in my laundry by mistake.
ELAINE
What did Judy do?
JERRY
She held them up and said 'wow'.
ELAINE
Wow? Just wow?
JERRY
Just wow. Then she left.
ELAINE
Good wow or a bad wow?
JERRY
Elaine, they were Newman's underpants. What kinda wow do you think?
'Wow, these are sexy.' or Wow, these are the size of Kansas.'
ELAINE
How big are we talking here?
JERRY
Lemme put it this way.
Run 'em up a yacht mast and you'd cross the Pacific in no time flat.
ELAINE
Wow.
JERRY
Exactly.
ELAINE
Did you explain they weren't yours?
JERRY
I didn't get the chance.
But if she thinks they were mine, she's very much mistaken.
ELAINE
I had a similar experience. Doing a dry cycle, I found a pair of my room-mate Tina's crotchless panties in with my stuff.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Word got out that they were mine,
I ended up with about a dozen guys asking me out on dates. Some of them kinda cute.
JERRY
What happened when they found out you didn't wear crotchless panties?
ELAINE
Who said anything about not wearing them....
JERRY
Wow.
ELAINE SMILES, SHOWING ALL HER TEETH. SHE DOES THAT ODD BOBBING SHOULDER MOTION.
JERRY
What am I going to do about Judy?
ELAINE
If you like her, knock on her door and explain.
JERRY
Or I could invite her to my apartment.
She could find me walking around in my underwear so she'll see the others weren't my size. I'll invite Newman too.
Sort of compare and contrast.
ELAINE
Y'know, Jerome, you've done some stupid things, but this transcends stupidity.
This enters the realm of the imbecile. You're turning into George.
INT. MONK'S.
GEORGE AND KRAMER SIT OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.
KRAMER
George, do you ever feel hollow?
GEORGE
Sometimes. If I haven't eaten for a while.
KRAMER
Spiritually empty. Like a void inside.
GEORGE
I ate a bad clam once. That sure emptied me.
KRAMER
How do you fill this void, George?
GEORGE
Pizza?
KRAMER
Spiritually nourish.
GEORGE
Extra toppings?
KRAMER
Do you believe in a God?
GEORGE
Not so much. The way He's been sticking it to me lately.
KRAMER
George...
GEORGE
All my life I've never got a break. One lousy break. Is that too much to ask?
KRAMER
Why d'you think God believes in punishment, George?
GEORGE
We're sinners?
KRAMER
We're suckers. What's so wrong with sating our desires, our needs, our wants?
GEORGE
I got wants. Not so many needs. But I got a heap of wants.
KRAMER
And what prevents you getting these wants?
GEORGE
The economy?
KRAMER
God.
GEORGE
That guy's really sticking it to me!
KRAMER
How would you like a religion that lets you do what you like. Never punishes you.
You can eat, drink and make merry. Even covet your neighbour's ass. No comebacks.
GEORGE
That would be terrific. But where do I find a religion like that?
KRAMER
Right here, buddy. The Church of Kramerica.
GEORGE
The Church of Kramerica? You've started your own religion?
KRAMER
Bless you, my son.
INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE.
ELAINE AND PETERMAN.
ELAINE
You wanted to see me, Mr Peterman?
PETERMAN
Yes, Elaine. Sit down. Have you done something new with your hair?
ELAINE
No, sir.
PETERMAN
Must be a trick of the light. Tricky thing, light. I once thought I saw a fully grown grizzly bear in my bedroom, but it turned out to be a simple trick of the light.
ELAINE
What was it you wanted, sir?
PETERMAN
The urban ethnic dress, Elaine. I've bought a consignment from Africa.
I want you to head up the sales division.
PETERMAN SHOWS ELAINE THE URBAN ETHNIC DRESS.
IT'S A GRASS SKIRT.
ELAINE
Sir, uh, that's a grass skirt.
PETERMAN
An urban ethnic dress, Elaine.
ELAINE
But basically it's a skirt made from grass.
PETERMAN
I knew I could count on you to cut straight to the crux of the matter.
I want to see all the women in the city wearing these for the summer.
If the trend catches on, we can go nationwide in the Fall.
ELAINE
Sir, I don't think ---
PETERMAN
Dismissed, Elaine.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY HAS INVITED NEWMAN AND JUDY OVER. JERRY IS IN SHIRT AND BOXER SHORTS.
NEWMAN IS STUFFING HIMSELF WITH PIZZA.
JERRY
Can't you use a napkin?
NEWMAN
Napkins? What are they?
JERRY
Well, here we are, hanging out together.
NEWMAN
Speaking of hanging out, you gonna put some pants on?
JERRY
Mebbe later.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JERRY OPENS IT.
JUDY LOOKS AT JERRY'S BOXERS, THEN NOTICES NEWMAN.
SHE JUMPS TO THE WRONG CONCLUSION - COUPLA GAY BOYS.
JUDY
Wow.
JUDY EXITS
JERRY
No! Judy, wait! It's not what you think!
NEWMAN
You got any ketchup?
JERRY
Get out of my apartment.
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.
KRAMER HAS INSTALLED A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH.
HE IS ONE SIDE OF THE GRILLE, BRAD, A BURLY CONSTRUCTION WORKER, IS ON THE OTHER.
BRAD
So what you're saying is I can drink, gamble and sleep around as much as I like and God won't punish me for it?
KRAMER
Won't lay a finger on you, buddy. Not in the Church of Kramerica.
BRAD
No penance, no Hail Mary's? No purgatory?
KRAMER
Nope.
BRAD
Even if I blow the kid's college fund in Atlantic City?
KRAMER
You're forgiven, brother.
BRAD
How do I join the Church of Kramerica?
KRAMER
Donations with Brother Costanza at the door. Dollars cash only. No cheques.
INT. CORRIDOR BETWEEN JERRY'S AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS.
THERE IS A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE WAITING TO ENTER THE BOOTH.
GEORGE, IN A BLACK ROBE, IS COUNTING A THICK WAD OF CASH.
JERRY ARRIVES.
JERRY
George? What's going on? Who are all these people?
GEORGE
They're followers, Jerry. And I am no longer George.
I am Brother Costanza, chief discipile of the Church of Kramerica.
JERRY
Kramer! I knew it.
GEORGE
That's Brother Kramer.
JERRY
Are you crazy?
GEORGE
I've never been saner, Jerry. All my life I've suppressed my deepest, darkest, vilest desires. Now they're flooding out of me every which way. The creed of the Church of Kramerica is : If it makes you feel good, do it - the hell with the consequences!
JERRY
That's some creed.
GEORGE
It's the best there is, my friend. I'm doing stuff I would never have dreamed of doing before. I'm ogling women now.
JERRY
You've always ogled women.
GEORGE
No, I used to take a peek then look away quickly in case they spotted me.
Now I just stare right at them. I even complimented a woman on her breasts.
JERRY
What'd she do?
GEORGE
She slapped my face and called the cops.
But the point is the old George wouldn't have said a word.
JERRY
I liked the old George.
GEORGE
Well he's dead, Jerry. Brother Costanza buried him.
KRAMER ARRIVES
KRAMER
Hey, buddy. How's the donations going?
GEORGE
500 bucks and rising, Brother Kramer.
KRAMER
Giddyup.
JERRY
You both realise this will end badly?
KRAMER
Oh ye of little faith. Join us, Jerry. Become part of the Church of Kramerica.
JERRY
No, thank you. I'd like to hang on to my sanity a little while longer.
INT. MONK'S.
JERRY IS ALONE AT A BOOTH.
ELAINE ENTERS. SHE IS WEARING A GRASS SKIRT AND DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY ABOUT IT.
JERRY
Well well, if it isn't Sheena, Queen of the Jungle.
ELAINE
Very funny. I tell ya, this grass skirt is a nightmare.
I've been all over 5th Avenue.
Not a single store is interested in the Urban Ethnic Dress. It's a total bust.
JERRY
Well, decaying foliage is a very passe look this season.
ELAINE
Plus I think the grass has still got some kinda African insects living in it.
I'm itching like crazy in places a lady doesn't like to be seen scratching.
JERRY
So what are you going to do?
ELAINE
Burn it. Then get some balm for the rash.
GEORGE ENTERS, STILL IN HIS ROBE.
GEORGE
Greetings, my children.
ELAINE
You're not still doing the religious nonsense?
GEORGE
It might be nonsense to you, Elaine. But to thousands the Church of Kramerica is the practicing religion of choice. We got so many members now we're thinking of relocating.
JERRY
I'm pleased to hear it. Perhaps I can get some sleep.
GEORGE
You've got a great butt, Elaine.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
I said you have a nice, shapely butt.
ELAINE
George, are you looking for a smack in the mouth?
JERRY
It's the Church of Kramerica. He's lost all his social inhibitions.
GEORGE
Jerry, your comedy routines are kinda stale.
Write some new stuff, freshen it up a bit. I hope you don't mind me saying.
JERRY
I do mind you saying.
GEORGE
Brother Costanza, he does what he likes - the hell with the consequences.
WAITRESS ARRIVES
GEORGE
I'd like the meatloaf, cheesecake and coffee - extra strong with cream and sugar.
And you've got wonderful breasts.
WAITRESS SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE.
GEORGE
Bless you, my child.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NYC.
A GROUP OF PRIESTS SIT ON A BENCH. PROTESTANT, CATHOLIC, A BUDDHIST AND A RABBI.
RABBI
I trust we're all here for the same reason?
PROTESTANT
This blasted Church of Kramerica. It's got to be stopped.
CATHOLIC
It's run by a Cosmo Kramer. What kinda fruity name is Cosmo?
BUDDHIST
There are no names, only the one true and merciful God.
RABBI
Frankie, will ya cut the mumbo-jumbo, we're not a bunch of rubes.
BUDDHIST
Sorry, force of habit. I say we bust this guy's chops.
PROTESTANT
Something must be done. If people think they can do as they like
and get away with it we're in big trouble.
RABBI
I say we send some boys round, lean on this Cosmo guy.
CATHOLIC
Why you all looking at me? I'm catholic so I must know some gangsters? Baloney.
PROTESTANT
Aren't they called wise guys?
CATHOLIC
You're the goddamn wiseguy.
BUDDHIST
We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.
PROTESTANT
Isn't that the lyric from 'Hotel California' by the Eagles?
BUDDHIST
Oh right, yeah. I got the CD in my Mercedes.
RABBI
A Buddhist drives a Mercedes? Oy oy oy, all I got's a lousy Buick.
CATHOLIC
We don't need violence. I checked. This Church of Kramerica isn't licenced.
PROTESTANT
You need a licence to worship God?
CATHOLIC
Sure. Even the Moonies know that. We got him dead to rights.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
ELAINE ENTERS. SHE'S PROPERLY DRESSED, SMOKIN A BIG CIGAR.
SHE LOOKS VERY PLEASED WITH HERSELF.
JERRY
What happened to you?
ELAINE
Remember I said I was gonna burn that grass skirt?
JERRY
Uh huh. Kill the bugs.
ELAINE
Turns out the urban ethnic dress is made from cannabis plants.
JERRY
Pot? The grass skirt really is grass.
ELAINE
Ironic, huh? Here's the best bit. Peterman promoted me. I saved his ass.
He could've gone to jail for drug smuggling. I'm the new senior vice president.
JERRY
Hence the cigar.
ELAINE
I love my stogie.
JERRY
I got some good news too. Judy and I sorted our differences out.
I explained things and we're gonna meet up tonight.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND JUDY ARE ON THE COUCH, GETTING HOT AND HEAVY.
JUDY
I'm glad we worked things out, Jerry.
JERRY
Me too.
SMOOCH
JUDY
I was attracted to you the first time I saw you.
JERRY
And me you. You remind me of Lana Lang.
JUDY
I've no idea who Lana Lang is, but she sounds hot.
JERRY
Superman thought so.
THEY KISS AND TUG AT EACH OTHERS CLOTHES.
SOUND OF COMMOTION OUTSIDE THE DOOR.
JUDY
What's that noise?
JERRY
Ignore it.
JUDY
Jerry...
JERRY
Alright, alright.
JERRY OPENS THE DOOR.
KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE BEING DRAGGED AWAY BY THE POLICE.
KRAMER
Jerry! They're shutting down the Church of Kramerica!
JERRY
That's a shame.
GEORGE
Jerry, you gotta help us! We're being arrested for worshipping without a licence!
JERRY
Sorry, George, But you know what they say - I'll do what I want, and the hell with the consequences.
GEORGE
No-oo-oo-oo!
KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE TAKEN AWAY.
****THE END****
Enjoy the script? Why not let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk
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***
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING. LAUNDRY ROOM.
JERRY IS USING THE DRIER. JUDY ENTERS. SHE'S AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE.
SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE PHOEBE CATES.
JUDY
Mind if I use the washer?
JERRY
Go right ahead.
JUDY
Thank you.
JERRY
Y'know, if I stare long enough at my washing going round,
I swear I can see Tom Brokaw in there.
JUDY
(LAUGHS) If he starts reading the news, I'm outta here.
JERRY
Jerry Seinfeld. Apartment 5A.
JUDY
Judy Lovitz. Apartment 3b.
JERRY
3b? Mrs Berkowitz's old place? Such a shame what happened to her.
JUDY
Dying peacefully in her sleep at 93? We should all be so lucky.
JERRY
I suppose so.
JUDY
Know what they found in her personal effects? A signed photo of JFK.
'To Maudey, for all your help, love JFK.'
JERRY
'For all your help?' What you suppose that meant?
JUDY
I'm guessing it wasn't for advice on the Cuban Missile Crisis...
JERRY
So you think they...
JUDY
Why not, he did everyone else.
JERRY
Boy, I wish I'd got to know her better.
JUDY
It's not too late, she's still on ice down the city morgue.
JERRY'S DRY CYCLE ENDS. HE POPS THE DOOR.
OUT FALL A LARGE PAIR OF NEWMAN'S UNDERPANTS. JUDY PICKS THEM UP.
JUDY
Wow!
SHE HURRIES OUT.
JERRY
No! No! They're not mine! They're not mine!
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ELAINE.
JERRY
We were getting along great. Joking. Flirting. She was smiling.
I was imagining her naked. Things were really clicking.
ELAINE
Uh huh. Was there eye contact?
JERRY
There was eye contact.
ELAINE
Cosmo magazine says eye contact is very important in the first stages of a relationship.
No eye contact - blah! - forget about it.
JERRY
Well if Cosmo magazine says so it must be true.
ELAINE
No eye contact. You're not getting any.
JERRY
That's good to know, Dr Ruth. Could I tell my story now?
ELAINE
Knock yourself out.
JERRY
So I open the drier and Newman's underpants fall out.
ELAINE
What are you doing washing Newman's underpants?
JERRY
Well obviously they got in my laundry by mistake.
ELAINE
What did Judy do?
JERRY
She held them up and said 'wow'.
ELAINE
Wow? Just wow?
JERRY
Just wow. Then she left.
ELAINE
Good wow or a bad wow?
JERRY
Elaine, they were Newman's underpants. What kinda wow do you think?
'Wow, these are sexy.' or Wow, these are the size of Kansas.'
ELAINE
How big are we talking here?
JERRY
Lemme put it this way.
Run 'em up a yacht mast and you'd cross the Pacific in no time flat.
ELAINE
Wow.
JERRY
Exactly.
ELAINE
Did you explain they weren't yours?
JERRY
I didn't get the chance.
But if she thinks they were mine, she's very much mistaken.
ELAINE
I had a similar experience. Doing a dry cycle, I found a pair of my room-mate Tina's crotchless panties in with my stuff.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Word got out that they were mine,
I ended up with about a dozen guys asking me out on dates. Some of them kinda cute.
JERRY
What happened when they found out you didn't wear crotchless panties?
ELAINE
Who said anything about not wearing them....
JERRY
Wow.
ELAINE SMILES, SHOWING ALL HER TEETH. SHE DOES THAT ODD BOBBING SHOULDER MOTION.
JERRY
What am I going to do about Judy?
ELAINE
If you like her, knock on her door and explain.
JERRY
Or I could invite her to my apartment.
She could find me walking around in my underwear so she'll see the others weren't my size. I'll invite Newman too.
Sort of compare and contrast.
ELAINE
Y'know, Jerome, you've done some stupid things, but this transcends stupidity.
This enters the realm of the imbecile. You're turning into George.
INT. MONK'S.
GEORGE AND KRAMER SIT OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.
KRAMER
George, do you ever feel hollow?
GEORGE
Sometimes. If I haven't eaten for a while.
KRAMER
Spiritually empty. Like a void inside.
GEORGE
I ate a bad clam once. That sure emptied me.
KRAMER
How do you fill this void, George?
GEORGE
Pizza?
KRAMER
Spiritually nourish.
GEORGE
Extra toppings?
KRAMER
Do you believe in a God?
GEORGE
Not so much. The way He's been sticking it to me lately.
KRAMER
George...
GEORGE
All my life I've never got a break. One lousy break. Is that too much to ask?
KRAMER
Why d'you think God believes in punishment, George?
GEORGE
We're sinners?
KRAMER
We're suckers. What's so wrong with sating our desires, our needs, our wants?
GEORGE
I got wants. Not so many needs. But I got a heap of wants.
KRAMER
And what prevents you getting these wants?
GEORGE
The economy?
KRAMER
God.
GEORGE
That guy's really sticking it to me!
KRAMER
How would you like a religion that lets you do what you like. Never punishes you.
You can eat, drink and make merry. Even covet your neighbour's ass. No comebacks.
GEORGE
That would be terrific. But where do I find a religion like that?
KRAMER
Right here, buddy. The Church of Kramerica.
GEORGE
The Church of Kramerica? You've started your own religion?
KRAMER
Bless you, my son.
INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE.
ELAINE AND PETERMAN.
ELAINE
You wanted to see me, Mr Peterman?
PETERMAN
Yes, Elaine. Sit down. Have you done something new with your hair?
ELAINE
No, sir.
PETERMAN
Must be a trick of the light. Tricky thing, light. I once thought I saw a fully grown grizzly bear in my bedroom, but it turned out to be a simple trick of the light.
ELAINE
What was it you wanted, sir?
PETERMAN
The urban ethnic dress, Elaine. I've bought a consignment from Africa.
I want you to head up the sales division.
PETERMAN SHOWS ELAINE THE URBAN ETHNIC DRESS.
IT'S A GRASS SKIRT.
ELAINE
Sir, uh, that's a grass skirt.
PETERMAN
An urban ethnic dress, Elaine.
ELAINE
But basically it's a skirt made from grass.
PETERMAN
I knew I could count on you to cut straight to the crux of the matter.
I want to see all the women in the city wearing these for the summer.
If the trend catches on, we can go nationwide in the Fall.
ELAINE
Sir, I don't think ---
PETERMAN
Dismissed, Elaine.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY HAS INVITED NEWMAN AND JUDY OVER. JERRY IS IN SHIRT AND BOXER SHORTS.
NEWMAN IS STUFFING HIMSELF WITH PIZZA.
JERRY
Can't you use a napkin?
NEWMAN
Napkins? What are they?
JERRY
Well, here we are, hanging out together.
NEWMAN
Speaking of hanging out, you gonna put some pants on?
JERRY
Mebbe later.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JERRY OPENS IT.
JUDY LOOKS AT JERRY'S BOXERS, THEN NOTICES NEWMAN.
SHE JUMPS TO THE WRONG CONCLUSION - COUPLA GAY BOYS.
JUDY
Wow.
JUDY EXITS
JERRY
No! Judy, wait! It's not what you think!
NEWMAN
You got any ketchup?
JERRY
Get out of my apartment.
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.
KRAMER HAS INSTALLED A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH.
HE IS ONE SIDE OF THE GRILLE, BRAD, A BURLY CONSTRUCTION WORKER, IS ON THE OTHER.
BRAD
So what you're saying is I can drink, gamble and sleep around as much as I like and God won't punish me for it?
KRAMER
Won't lay a finger on you, buddy. Not in the Church of Kramerica.
BRAD
No penance, no Hail Mary's? No purgatory?
KRAMER
Nope.
BRAD
Even if I blow the kid's college fund in Atlantic City?
KRAMER
You're forgiven, brother.
BRAD
How do I join the Church of Kramerica?
KRAMER
Donations with Brother Costanza at the door. Dollars cash only. No cheques.
INT. CORRIDOR BETWEEN JERRY'S AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS.
THERE IS A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE WAITING TO ENTER THE BOOTH.
GEORGE, IN A BLACK ROBE, IS COUNTING A THICK WAD OF CASH.
JERRY ARRIVES.
JERRY
George? What's going on? Who are all these people?
GEORGE
They're followers, Jerry. And I am no longer George.
I am Brother Costanza, chief discipile of the Church of Kramerica.
JERRY
Kramer! I knew it.
GEORGE
That's Brother Kramer.
JERRY
Are you crazy?
GEORGE
I've never been saner, Jerry. All my life I've suppressed my deepest, darkest, vilest desires. Now they're flooding out of me every which way. The creed of the Church of Kramerica is : If it makes you feel good, do it - the hell with the consequences!
JERRY
That's some creed.
GEORGE
It's the best there is, my friend. I'm doing stuff I would never have dreamed of doing before. I'm ogling women now.
JERRY
You've always ogled women.
GEORGE
No, I used to take a peek then look away quickly in case they spotted me.
Now I just stare right at them. I even complimented a woman on her breasts.
JERRY
What'd she do?
GEORGE
She slapped my face and called the cops.
But the point is the old George wouldn't have said a word.
JERRY
I liked the old George.
GEORGE
Well he's dead, Jerry. Brother Costanza buried him.
KRAMER ARRIVES
KRAMER
Hey, buddy. How's the donations going?
GEORGE
500 bucks and rising, Brother Kramer.
KRAMER
Giddyup.
JERRY
You both realise this will end badly?
KRAMER
Oh ye of little faith. Join us, Jerry. Become part of the Church of Kramerica.
JERRY
No, thank you. I'd like to hang on to my sanity a little while longer.
INT. MONK'S.
JERRY IS ALONE AT A BOOTH.
ELAINE ENTERS. SHE IS WEARING A GRASS SKIRT AND DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY ABOUT IT.
JERRY
Well well, if it isn't Sheena, Queen of the Jungle.
ELAINE
Very funny. I tell ya, this grass skirt is a nightmare.
I've been all over 5th Avenue.
Not a single store is interested in the Urban Ethnic Dress. It's a total bust.
JERRY
Well, decaying foliage is a very passe look this season.
ELAINE
Plus I think the grass has still got some kinda African insects living in it.
I'm itching like crazy in places a lady doesn't like to be seen scratching.
JERRY
So what are you going to do?
ELAINE
Burn it. Then get some balm for the rash.
GEORGE ENTERS, STILL IN HIS ROBE.
GEORGE
Greetings, my children.
ELAINE
You're not still doing the religious nonsense?
GEORGE
It might be nonsense to you, Elaine. But to thousands the Church of Kramerica is the practicing religion of choice. We got so many members now we're thinking of relocating.
JERRY
I'm pleased to hear it. Perhaps I can get some sleep.
GEORGE
You've got a great butt, Elaine.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
I said you have a nice, shapely butt.
ELAINE
George, are you looking for a smack in the mouth?
JERRY
It's the Church of Kramerica. He's lost all his social inhibitions.
GEORGE
Jerry, your comedy routines are kinda stale.
Write some new stuff, freshen it up a bit. I hope you don't mind me saying.
JERRY
I do mind you saying.
GEORGE
Brother Costanza, he does what he likes - the hell with the consequences.
WAITRESS ARRIVES
GEORGE
I'd like the meatloaf, cheesecake and coffee - extra strong with cream and sugar.
And you've got wonderful breasts.
WAITRESS SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE.
GEORGE
Bless you, my child.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NYC.
A GROUP OF PRIESTS SIT ON A BENCH. PROTESTANT, CATHOLIC, A BUDDHIST AND A RABBI.
RABBI
I trust we're all here for the same reason?
PROTESTANT
This blasted Church of Kramerica. It's got to be stopped.
CATHOLIC
It's run by a Cosmo Kramer. What kinda fruity name is Cosmo?
BUDDHIST
There are no names, only the one true and merciful God.
RABBI
Frankie, will ya cut the mumbo-jumbo, we're not a bunch of rubes.
BUDDHIST
Sorry, force of habit. I say we bust this guy's chops.
PROTESTANT
Something must be done. If people think they can do as they like
and get away with it we're in big trouble.
RABBI
I say we send some boys round, lean on this Cosmo guy.
CATHOLIC
Why you all looking at me? I'm catholic so I must know some gangsters? Baloney.
PROTESTANT
Aren't they called wise guys?
CATHOLIC
You're the goddamn wiseguy.
BUDDHIST
We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.
PROTESTANT
Isn't that the lyric from 'Hotel California' by the Eagles?
BUDDHIST
Oh right, yeah. I got the CD in my Mercedes.
RABBI
A Buddhist drives a Mercedes? Oy oy oy, all I got's a lousy Buick.
CATHOLIC
We don't need violence. I checked. This Church of Kramerica isn't licenced.
PROTESTANT
You need a licence to worship God?
CATHOLIC
Sure. Even the Moonies know that. We got him dead to rights.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
ELAINE ENTERS. SHE'S PROPERLY DRESSED, SMOKIN A BIG CIGAR.
SHE LOOKS VERY PLEASED WITH HERSELF.
JERRY
What happened to you?
ELAINE
Remember I said I was gonna burn that grass skirt?
JERRY
Uh huh. Kill the bugs.
ELAINE
Turns out the urban ethnic dress is made from cannabis plants.
JERRY
Pot? The grass skirt really is grass.
ELAINE
Ironic, huh? Here's the best bit. Peterman promoted me. I saved his ass.
He could've gone to jail for drug smuggling. I'm the new senior vice president.
JERRY
Hence the cigar.
ELAINE
I love my stogie.
JERRY
I got some good news too. Judy and I sorted our differences out.
I explained things and we're gonna meet up tonight.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND JUDY ARE ON THE COUCH, GETTING HOT AND HEAVY.
JUDY
I'm glad we worked things out, Jerry.
JERRY
Me too.
SMOOCH
JUDY
I was attracted to you the first time I saw you.
JERRY
And me you. You remind me of Lana Lang.
JUDY
I've no idea who Lana Lang is, but she sounds hot.
JERRY
Superman thought so.
THEY KISS AND TUG AT EACH OTHERS CLOTHES.
SOUND OF COMMOTION OUTSIDE THE DOOR.
JUDY
What's that noise?
JERRY
Ignore it.
JUDY
Jerry...
JERRY
Alright, alright.
JERRY OPENS THE DOOR.
KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE BEING DRAGGED AWAY BY THE POLICE.
KRAMER
Jerry! They're shutting down the Church of Kramerica!
JERRY
That's a shame.
GEORGE
Jerry, you gotta help us! We're being arrested for worshipping without a licence!
JERRY
Sorry, George, But you know what they say - I'll do what I want, and the hell with the consequences.
GEORGE
No-oo-oo-oo!
KRAMER AND GEORGE ARE TAKEN AWAY.
****THE END****
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