How to be Valjean in Ten Easy Steps
Written by Mirahcles Lorenzo
for the Valjean-inept.
1. Commit a heinous crime such as stepping on someone's foot, stealing a loaf of bread or flipping the bird at another driver.
2. Go to prison for an insanely long amount of time. Go slowly insane in "the pit", and try to escape--three times.
3. Get set free with a mark on you after nineteen years. Get rejected by society. Steal some silver, get arrested, get forgiven.
4. Find some hole in the ground town to build yourself a name. Lay low in case that hobnobbing, stuffy old police officer with the blue eyes comes looking for you.
5. When you get spotted by that handsome--er, hobnobbing police officer, deny ever knowing him, ever being in Toulon and ever doing anything illegal of any kind or sort whatsoever so help you God.
6. Confess that you're the real one when another poor guy is caught and accused of being you. Run quickly back to your home and tell your daughter to start packing.
7. All the while, fall in love with a prostitute or homeless person, who dies. When that police officer comes to find you, break a chair and threaten him with it. Knock him out and run away, mourning your poor lost lover.
8. Get involved with some street gang because your daughter's in love with the pretty boy.
9. Don't kill the police officer when you get the chance--trust me, he'll get it anyway. Drag the pretty boy into the sewers when he gets hurt.
10. Meet up with the police officer in the sewers and beg for more time to get the pretty boy to a doctor. Run away. Quickly. Never see that meanie police officer again, and die an old man. Or woman.
Good luck and Happy Valjeaning! Next episode: How to be Eponine in ten easy steps!
