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Zoids: The Dementedly Chaotic Saga-------------------------------
Chapter Next: Time for some coherence
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"Eeeee, Van, what'll we do, what'll we do, WHAT'LL WE DO?!?!"
"For God's sake Fiona, shut up a minute."
"BUT PROZEN'S ON THE MOVE AND-"
"Thomas, can I speak with you a second?"
"-AND IF HE GETS TO THE SECOND DEATHSAURER-"
"What is it Van?"
"-THEN WE'LL ALL BE DOOMED AND-"
"Can you please⦠*whispers*"
"-AND THEN I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND TRUE LO-*CLANG*" Fiona dropped to the ground and Thomas pocketed the frying pan. Van sighed in relief.
"Thanks."
"No problem. Usually I wouldn't do that to the one I love, but geez . . . buy her some more medication next time you go shopping."
"Yep, sure. Hey wait a second."
"What is it?"
"We never properly introduced everyone one into the story."
"They did you, didn't they?"
"Yeah, but let's face it, people don't idolise the hero. They prefer the supporting characters."
"True. Let's do that now."
~*~
Vappa: Hello. I'd like to apologize for the last episode. It was entirely self-serving and made no sense at all.
Kaworu (the muse): You also did not introduce everyone correctly.
Vappa: Yes I know that.
Kaworu: I was just making certain that you did.
Vappa: . . . you're cute when you're making certain of stuff.
Kaworu: *smile*
Vappa: In any case, I'll try and fix that situation now. Starting with . . . FIONA!
Fiona: Hello! My name is Fiona Alisi Linette, and I came from an egg! I'm an ancient Zoidian and my favourite pastimes are whining, fusing with Zoid cores and glomping Van!
Van: *looks scared*
Vappa: And now . . . THOMAS!
Thomas: I'm Thomas Richard Schubaltz, the over-looked, under-appreciated, techno genius. I pilot a Zoid too, but nobody really notices because of aforementioned reasons. My greatest skill is being fluent in the language of l33t! 2 00|_ 4 5|00|_!!
Karl: I'm the older, more important Schubaltz brother, Karl. Everybody likes me. Eveybody. Except for Prozen, but he doesn't count. He's a meanie.
Irvine: I'll trade you my personal details for your wallet.
Moonbay: Give me $5. Now.
Rudolph: I'm Emporer Rudolph of the Guylos Empire. I made underage gambling legal within five days *thumbs up*.
Doctor D: Is that a spare tire I see?
Hiltz: My name is Lucifer . . . uh, I mean, Hiltz. I'm just trying to make an honest living out of raping and pillaging the planet.
Prozen: I'm Gunther Prozen, your true and only God. BOW DOWN!
Raven: My name is Raven. *Points at Hiltz* You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Hiltz: Bring it on, weakling.
Raven: Oh I'll bring it.
*MASSIVE SCUFFLE BREAKS OUT*
Kaworu: Oh dear.
Vappa: Um . . . SCENE BREAK!
*POOF*
~*~
*POOF*
Van blinked and looked at Thomas, who also blinked. "Uh, yeah . . . where were we?"
"I believe we were discussing why you have that wrench in your hand." He looked at the massive metal tool.
"Oh yes. You see . . ."
"We were ALSO discussing how all these large ripped areas appeared in my Di Bison." Noticing the extremely ugly look Thomas was giving him, Van dropped the wrench and ran like thunder. The Imperial looked after him with narrowed eyes and steepled his fingers in classic I'm-plotting-something-evil style.
"The day will come Van when I will have my revenge against you. No one, and I mean no one, steals my favourite Yu-Gi-Oh card and gets away with it."
~*~
Out in the desert, a lone Genobreaker was making its way across the featureless sand. Clomping along, it stomped on a stray bunny rabbit and then kept going. Inside the Genobreaker, Raven was having tea. Literally.
Taking another swig of his Earl Grey, Raven sighed and stared out the cockpit window. Absolutely nothing to look at. Suddenly he hurled his cup at the window where it smashed. "WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND ME?!" he howled to the only one who would (supposedly) listen, Shadow. The organoid made a non-committal noise and prepared for a very, very long rant.
"I mean, the ONLY thing I've done wrong is massacre thousands. Is that REALLY such a crime? I simply wish to rid this planet of those infernal hunks of metal called Zoids. I'm doing them a goddamned FAVOUR! And that Van, ooh, does HE get on my nerves. "Stop killing people Raven, it's WRONG". WELL EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING MR FANCY-PANTS! He comes nancing in, smashes up two of my Zoids, and expects ME to listen to HIM. What a jerk. The Empire hates me too. Just because I was in their damned army no less. I WAS HELPING! Then Prozen goes "Oh, I'm sorry Raven, I have to go take over the world. Could you feed my cat Plinky while I'm gone?" NO WAY IN HELL AM I FEEDING THAT DAMN CAT! IT BIT ME ONCE! Then he goes and DIES on me. What about MY needs? And to make matters WORSE, that stupid goddamn bitch Reese is following me around. FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN, I'M NOT LENDING YOU A CUP OF SUGAR!"
He then burst into tears. "I'm so goddamned angst-ridden!" Shadow just snorted and ate some chips. This happened everyday at 2pm sharp. It would be over by 4:30.
~*~
"I AM AAAAAHHH, BAD SINGEEEEEER, IN THE WASTELAAAAAANDS . . ."
"Oh my God, shut up Moonbay! Or I'll smack you upside the head!" Moonbay pouted at Irvine.
"You never like anything I do."
"That's because you annoy the pants off me."
"I certainly hope so," she purred, stroking his face. Irvine flinched and smacked her away.
"Ewww, don't."
"Why not?"
"Because that's not scripted to happen until chapter 3," the bandit explained. Moonbay stopped, thankfully, and sat back in the seat of the Gustav. He'd had to wage a short, hair-pulling war to be able to pilot the thing, and he was beginning to regret it. At least if she'd been piloting she wouldn't be trying to touch him every five minutes.
Why was he in this predicament? Well, you see, sadly his Lightning Saix had been totalled. How did it get totalled? He lost a bet, then refused to pay up. So the bastard had gone and used a massive flamethrower on it. It was only luck (whether good or bad, he wasn't sure) that Moonbay had found him the next day.
In any case, they were trundling along a stretch of desert in an attempt to get to the nearest base without killing and/or kissing each other. It was proving to be quite a task.
"Moonbay! Are those my socks?" She blinked and looked at him innocently.
"Where?" He pointed.
"On your feet."
"Huh . . . I guess so." He glared at her.
"Give 'em back." She smiled at him.
"Come and get them."
Irvine stared at her for a moment. Then he lunged and started a serious pash-fest.
As the (out of order!) makeout party was underway, neither of the two noticed the Whale King fly past overhead. They were far too . . . busy.
"You know I love my socks," he growled into Moonbay's hair. She giggled.
"Sock it to me Irvine! OOH!"
~*~
Meanwhile, up in the Whale King, Hiltz was pacing up and down outside a closed door, mumbling to himself. This was just great. The first time in months he actually wanted to talk to Prozen about something, and he was locked in his room doing goodness knows what. Whenever he didn't want him around though, he was everywhere. Especially when he was making sandwiches. Boy, did that man know how to ruin a good peanut butter and chocolate spread combo.
So, here he was, outside Prozen's door. He'd been here for at least an hour already. What on earth was he doing in there? Finally losing his temper, Hiltz started hammering on the door.
"PROZEN! I really need to talk with you!" A shout came from behind the door.
"Yeah, just a minute!"
Hiltz waited. And waited. And waited. And . . . *BAMBAMBAM* on the door.
"HELLO?! IT'S BEEN TEN MINUTES!"
"Just a second!"
~ Three hundred and ninety-two seconds later ~
"PROZEN, I'M COMING IN DAMN IT!" With that, Hiltz ran up to the door and did a flying Matrix-style kick. The door smashed open, and Hiltz fell over onto the floor, having not quite mastered flying Matrix-style kicks yet. Looking up, Hiltz was incredulous when he spotted Prozen. He got up, practically smoking from the ears and stormed over to the ex-Emporer-ex-Dark Kaiser.
"YOU'RE PLAYING ROGUE LEADER AGAIN?!" he screeched. Prozen didn't even look at him as he shot down another TIE fighter.
"Have some patience Hiltz." Trying not to have an anxiety attack, Hiltz pointed at the GameCube (trademark!) furiously.
"HOW CAN PLAYING THAT INFERNAL GAME ALL DAY HELP US TO DESTROY THE WORLD?!"
Prozen gave him a weird look. "I'm only learning from the master: Darth Vader."
There was a loud crash as Hiltz's boot slammed into the GameCube and sent it flying into the wall. Prozen looked quite frankly shocked. And then . . .
He got slowly to his feet, and turned to look at Hiltz. His eyes were doing that freaky glowing thing he'd picked up from the DeathSaurer, and it probably wasn't a good sign. He glared at Hiltz menacingly.
"Don't you ever . . . interrupt . . . my game . . . again." And with a screaming war-cry, he lunged at Hiltz. What followed would best be described as one of those cartoon smoke clouds with random arms, legs, heads and stars coming out of it. And lots of swearing.
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Notes: Plinky the cat is named after Plinky the Prozen fan.
The language of l33t is difficult to learn, but very worth it. Y0|_| 937 17?
Kaworu, my muse, was borrowed from Evangelion . . . WITHOUT PERMISSION! AHAHAHA!
Raven drinks the Twinnings brand of Earl Grey tea to help him relax . . . except it obviously didn't work that time.
The GameCube in this story was a professional stunt console, and wasn't injured by Hiltz's Boot of Doom.
