Title: Reunification
Author: Lisbeth
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
Show: Once And Again
Synopsis: While attending grad school, Grace runs into someone from her past
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Please, please please, I thrive off of it.
E-Mail: strangefruitgirl@hotmail.com
Chapter 4: Sacrificing Chekov
As Jessie and Grace sat in the cozy restaurant, Grace was telling her about Zoe's new ideas for a dance recital. Dr. Sutton had her class cancelled that day due to a family illness. As Grace walked up to the classroom, Sharon was walking out and mentioned that a message was left on the board regarding how the class would resume that Wednesday. Grace walked to the nearest pay phone and called the law firm Jessie was interning at and asked if she was up for lunch. Luckily, Jessie hadn't had lunch yet.
"What about your grandmother?" Jessie asked as she picked at her salad.
"Oh, well, I don't have to be home till 2:30 at the earliest. It's selfish, I know, but I'm not ready to go home yet."
"Well?!"
"Well what?" Grace asked suspiciously.
"Have you spoken to him yet?"
Grace looked down, almost in shame at the thought that she chickened out. "I still don't know if he's even in the class. I can't believe how much of a wuss I am, really. It's like I want him to see me, but at the same time I don't. I'm afraid to find out about his life now. I'm afraid that he may have forgotten me."
"Grace, I honestly don't think he could have forgotten you." Jessie reassured her.
"It's just that it's almost been two weeks, and I still have no idea what I'm going to say or do. I tell myself that I'll know when I see him, but I'm too afraid to look for him! I think I don't want to let go of the August I once knew; I'm afraid of the August he may be now."
"We all have to change though. He may have changed for the better."
"For him maybe, but I'm not too sure about me. Shit, I can't believe how selfish I'm being."
"We all have to be selfish sometimes though."
"I'm sorry for ranting on like this. There are much more important things going on right now in the world besides my love life, or lack thereof."
"How is your grandmother?"
"She couldn't tie her shoes the other day." Grace blurted out flatly. "She tried to act as if she knew what she was doing, but she would just look at the shoe strings with such confusion. I didn't tell mom; I don't know if I should. I think I'm just trying to pretend that everything will be fine, when I know deep down that she is withering away before our eyes. Mom mentioned something about possibly putting her into some kind of home where they can take better care of her."
"What do you think about that."
"I was against it at first so much, but now, with what I've seen with her, I'm beginning to reconsider that option. I don't think the final decision rests in my hands, but I think that mom would consider my opinion. After what she did the other night when she saw you, I nearly thought she was going to start getting violent. We're sorry about that episode."
"I'm no expert with Alzheimer's, but stuff like that can happen. I'm over it Grace."
It would be two weeks of class the following Monday, and of the time that had passed, Grace still never had any sign of recognition or contact from him. It could have been as simple as him not even recognizing her. She had changed over the years, but there was just an odd feeling that he somehow knew that it was her. He was so close, yet so far, all at the same time. She just somehow concluded in her head that he was seeing someone. He could have been married for all she knew. Hell, he could even have a kid or two. Five years was plenty of time for someone to start a family. She tried to let it go, but it always stared her in the face, reminding her of what she still hadn't gotten closure on.
"Hey there" Sharon said.
"Hey" Grace replied.
"You know, I've been noticing that you've sort of been out of focus ever since the first lecture. Are you alright?"
"Yeah, it's just that there's a lot going on at home and stuff. It's kind of hard not to bring one into the other sometimes."
"Well, you sure do speed out of here fast. You're next class must be across campus or something. As soon as Dr. Sutton excuses us, you're practically out the door!"
"Maybe I should get some nerve pills or something." Grace said jokingly.
As Sharon laughed with her, Dr. Sutton walked into the classroom. As soon as she reached the desk, the entire room was silent. She took out the roll call sheet from her brief case and gave it to the section on the left to sign. It was noted that Dr. Sutton would often take turns with which side of the classroom would get to sign the sheet first, and today wasn't Grace's side.
The first few lectures were spent on the famous Russian poets, but today was the start of the well-known Russian storytellers. The syllabus listed the stories that would be covered and first on the list was Chekov. Grace dreaded seeing "On Love," on the syllabus, while at the same time smiling at it. It always held a piece of her heart for the obvious reason, but the story was truly one of her favorite pieces of literature. Grace could even recite the last few passages on request. After August Dimitri left her life, Grace read the story every single day for the next few months. Even on the airplane to Australia, the book never left her side. There were even a few nights she slept with it under her pillow. She was surprised that no one even noticed it was there. When she was alone she never bothered to stop the tears from flowing, but when around others the matter was different.
For those months, she would often over-analyze every single word of the story, wondering if that was his way of saying that he had indeed loved her. The analysis would lead sometimes to the conclusion that he loved her, but was not actually in love with her. She would often reflect on the conversations she had with him alone. "We cannot be friends" would often come to mind. Grace believed that she was the woman in the story to his narrator. Every time she read the story she reminded herself that her own story could not end like that. She would never allow it.
As Dr. Sutton started her lecture on Chekov's life, she then began the analysis into his stories. The class did the usual, and took notes, while some students offered their own interpretations of Chekov's work. It was actually interesting to see two students debating with one another over a critical point, but the wave would calm down before it could break with the tide. Grace never did turn her head around once like the other students sometimes did to see just who was giving their opinion. She would just stare at the floor or the wall and listen to the comment, nodding her head if she agreed with it. She was waiting to hear his voice. Oh, how, she could still pick it out of anything. She was surprised that he never once even gave his opinion, being that when he taught high school, he tended to be very critical. He was a man who wasn't afraid to give his point of view, and it somewhat frightened Grace to think that something she loved so dearly about him may have indeed been lost with the passage of time.
When Dr. Sutton reached "On Love," Grace was immediately forced out of her own spell. She described the story to the class and it was now time for her to open the shark pit of commentary. While some students offered that it was a simple story about love lost, some even compared it to other works of literature with the same theme. Dr. Sutton continued to egg her students on about the inner meaning of the story, especially with the last few passages. She was met with silence. The sound of her high heels pacing around the floor, its sound vibrating off of everything, was almost as bad as someone scratching their fingernails across the blackboard.
"May I remind you that class participation is very important here. Once again, what do you think that Chekov was trying to say about love, in general, from those last few passages?" Dr. Sutton offered.
Grace could feel her heartbeat rising higher and higher in those moments. She could feel the blood coursing through her veins and the voice inside of her head was screaming louder and louder for her to just say what she felt she had to say, not just to the class, but to August Dimitri himself. She felt the tension build up like a bomb that just couldn't stand the pressure anymore and finally gave in and blew up. She didn't even bother to raise her hand.
"Chekov is trying to say that love is something bigger than what we think it is, or like to believe that it is. We try to somehow restrict it, force it into this simple little explanation, when really it is so much more than that. It is bigger than us even. It's odd because someone just mentioned how simple the story is, and it is a simple story about something which can be so god damn complicated at times. It's almost a paradox. There is no room for judgment in love, but only understanding and compassion. It's just that some of us pay attention to all of those judgments and we let it ruin whatever there may sometimes be. That's not how one should love." Grace blurted out.
As she finished, she felt as if she had just released a great burden off of her shoulder. It felt so good to get it out of her system, but she too was met in silence from the class. She looked up to see Dr. Sutton looking at her with a smile spreading across her face, pleased with what the girl had just told everyone.
"That's good. Would anyone else like to contribute to this comment?" Dr. Sutton asked the class.
"It's also about sacrifice."
Grace immediately shot her head up from the sound of the familiar voice. She never once dared to turn her head to see who said it, even though she knew exactly who it was. She could only listen as he continued.
"Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we love because of the judgments of others, even though there shouldn't be any room for them, we still let them conquer us. She's right, that's not how one should love, but sometimes, you have to look at the bigger picture. Sometimes that is the only solution. Love equals sacrifice."
Dr. Sutton continued her slow, torturous pace around the classroom and elaborated more on what her two students had just said. Grace had some kind of internal fear that the other students would somehow pick up on the invisible tension that was between her and him, but no one did. She gave into the habit of looking down at her watch and saw that the class was just about over. Relief flooded her as Dr. Sutton gave the next assignment and dismissed the class. Grace began to pack up her things when Dr. Sutton came up to her.
"I really liked what you contributed today. I was beginning to think that you were mute or something."
"Oh, thank you. It's just that the story is one of my favorites. I can't tell you how many times I've read it actually."
"Well, I praise the person who introduced you to Chekov. I can't wait to see how you're research paper is going to turn out Ms…….."
"Manning. Grace Manning."
"Well, lets hope you can do more performances like that in the near future Ms. Manning."
With that last comment, Dr. Sutton gathered her things and walked out of the classroom. Grace finished packing her books and noticed that the students for the next class were beginning to take their seats.
She paced out of the classroom and began to walk down the halls when she heard the voice that she knew oh so well.
"Grace."
It was sad that it only took one word. One word was all he had to say to make her heart melt. She slowly turned around and saw him standing in front of her with all of his radiant glory. She drank in the image of August Dimitri once again. His hair was shorter now, but it was still the somewhat fiery red that she loved. Grace couldn't help it - she had a thing for redheads ever since she had known him. She felt that his eyes still possessed the ability to read every single thought which swam in her head. Those were the green eyes that had taken residence in and composed her dreams.
"Hi" was all he could say.
"Hi" Grace replied.
He gave her a smile that she felt he gave only to certain people, or maybe, only her. A warm feeling overcame her as she could only smile back at him, hoping that the gesture would say what exactly she couldn't put into words at that moment.
"I…..I just don't know what to say. I wasn't expecting this." August said.
"Oh" was all that Grace could say at that moment.
She tried to shift her eyes to his left hand to see if a particular piece of jewelry stood out. To her avail, his fingers were bare. He was dressed very casually, as he always did when he taught her, in a pair of slacks and a button down shirt. He still had that leather satchel with him as he did at Upton Sinclair High School. Only a few things had changed on the outside, but it was the inside that Grace was truly curious about.
He continued to look at her, in what appeared to be absolute awe, and Grace was still somewhat speechless. Not many people could do that to her, in fact, only he could do that to her. He suddenly caught himself.
"I'm sorry, am I holding you back or something? Do you have another class to go to?" he asked.
"No. Actually, this is my last class of the day."
"Five years gone and here you are." August said smiling. "Do you maybe want to go Rumi's and get some coffee. I would love to hear about what you've been up to."
Without hesitation she replied, "yes."
