Disclaimer: see part 1

The Lifespan of a Love Affair.

By Random1377

Week 13: Breaking Promises

Normally, when she drove alone, the stereo in Misato's Alpine was set to a hard rock station, the aggressive bass lines and harsh guitar riffs making her heartbeat accelerate almost as much as the pedal on the floor (always pushed all the way down for these drives) made the small blue vehicle accelerate.

Today, however, she had too much on her mind to think of speed or hard music.

At least I didn't yank him into my room the minute he got home, she thought, taking a curve at a far more sedate pace than usual, I managed to wait two whole days… I'm a fucking rock She frowned, recalling the last time she had let herself go.

"I had a good time tonight."

"Yeah, I did too.  Let's do something Friday, alright?"

"Sure…"

"What?  What's that look for?"

"I love you…"

"Ummm… yeah, ya see – here's the thing, Misato, I'm actually… God, how can I say this?  I'm not into all that.  I just thought we'd have some fun… ya know?"

Had it really been only three months since she'd heard those words?

At least he waited until my clothes were on… she thought miserably, stopping for a traffic light and drumming her fingertips on the steering wheel as she thought of another, far-too-recent breakup.

"Mmmm… damn, that was good…"

"Hey, Yuji…"

"Yeah?"

"I was just thinking, ummm… remember… you said I could meet your parents?  I was thinking… I'm not doing anything this weekend."

"Oh yeah, that – look, babe, this was really fun, but… let's face it, huh?  You're just too wild for a guy like me to bring home."

"B-but… it was your idea!"

"Come on!  Like you didn't know that was just to get you in bed – and I didn't hear you complaining once we got there.  I'm gonna get some sleep… you know where the door is."

"How long," she whispered, shaking herself as the driver behind her politely leaned on his horn to tell her the light was green, "how long before you decide that I'm not the kind of girl to bring home…?  Or that 'This was fun, but that's all'?"  She continued on her way.  "How long before you decide that I'm too old?  Or that you could do better?"  She pulled over, resting her forehead on the steering wheel.  "How long until you tell me that I'm the only one for you, and that you want me to be your wife?"

"Hey, Katsuragi!"

"Oh, hi Kaji!  How'd you do on that midterm?"

"Smoked it, of course!  But I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Ummm… sure, ok."

"I was thinking that we've been kinda close lately… ya know?"

"Y-yeah?"

"And I was thinking… I kinda like that, so I was wondering, ummm… if you-"

"Kaji, I… I have to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"I'm seeing someone else…"

Misato closed her eyes.

"How long until I do something stupid and get you hurt, Shinji?

She sighed, wiping her eyes and pulling away from the curb.  Wouldn't it be better to just end it now? She thought reasonably, angling back into the flow of traffic.  That way… I won't get hurt… he won't get hurt… and everyone goes away happy… right?

Taking a deep breath, she headed for home, still undecided about what to do… but knowing that she would have decide something one way or the other as soon as she saw her boyfriend.

**

Shinji looked up from the small desk in his room as a soft knock sounded at his door.  "Come in," he called, glancing at the clock with a slight frown.

It's still kinda early, he thought, setting his pencil on his incomplete homework, Misato usually, no – always waits for Asuka to be asleep.  He blushed.  And I think we've come close to waking her up a couple times – especially last week when Misato-

"Hey."

"Asuka," Shinji blinked, "hi."

Looking over the redhead, Shinji decided that she seemed very different – even since their date.  She looks… sadder, he thought, no, he corrected, not sad – miserable… no, that's still not right.  She LOOKED miserable… now she looks… just… I don't even know how to describe it…

"I want to talk to you," Asuka said quietly.  "I need to talk to you."

"Ummm… ok…" Shinji said uncertainly, rising to his feet and gesturing for the girl to sit down.  He waited until she took the seat.  "So," he said slowly, "what's up?"

"I'm tired of hating you," the redhead told him quietly, not bothering with small talk or evasiveness.  "It's taking too much out of me, Shinji – and I don't have that much left anymore."  She pursed her lips.  "Don't start thinking that you've beaten me, or that I'm giving up… but I'm tired, so – for now – we need to work something out."

Shinji nodded.  "Something like what?" he asked carefully, trying not to fall into shocked silence at the girl's straightforwardness.

"I'd call it a truce," Asuka shrugged, "but that sounds so… melodramatic.  So I think… an agreement would be a better term."  She met his eyes.  "These are the issues that require this agreement," she said softly, "we have to live together, and we have to go to school and work together… but avoiding each other isn't going to work – and don't try and pretend you haven't been avoiding me, because I know you have."

Averting his eyes, Shinji whispered, "I'm with you so far…"

"We can't be friends," Asuka told him levelly, "not right now, anyway."  She hesitated, seemingly on the verge of withholding some key piece of information, then pressed forward.  "We can't be friends because I think… I might hate you – really, really hate you.  Every time you get a better sync ratio, or have someone tell you you're doing well – it makes me angry, Shinji… and the only reason I can think of for that is hate."

"It… could just be jealousy…" Shinji offered, trying to sound helpful.

"Unlikely," the redhead returned flatly, "I am better than you, so I have nothing to be jealous of, but the fact remains – friendship is out of the question until I can figure out if it is hate, or something else I haven't considered yet.  So…" she waited until he looked back up at her face, "I propose that we consider ourselves working associates, and try our best not to get in each other's way.  Agreed?"

 Shinji thought about it for a moment, feeling mesmerized by the girl's fathomless blue eyes.  "I have a condition…" he said slowly.

"What is it?" Asuka replied, trying to keep her tone civil.

The boy took a deep breath.  "Even if you hate me," he said carefully, "I don't hate you… so I," he closed his eyes, "I reserve the right to think of you as a friend."

When he opened his eyes, Asuka was already on her feet and stepping past him.  "Think of me however you like," she said softly, "but don't think I'll be too friendly to you – and just so you know… I figured out about you and Misato."  She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes.  "So you can stop pretending now."

"How… how long have you known?" Shinji gasped.

Asuka slipped his door open.  "Three weeks," she said quietly, "and if you have to ask why I didn't say anything before, then you're stupider than I thought – and just so you know?  Neither one of you is very quiet… so it wasn't that hard to figure out."

Shinji shook himself, turning to face her as she stepped out.  "Thanks for… not telling anyone…" he said hesitantly.

Asuka shrugged, not looking back.  "It doesn't matter," she said softly, "the lifespan of a love affair like this is only so long, you know.  Sooner or later, one of you will figure out that humans aren't really capable of the emotion we call love."

"That's… cruel…" Shinji whispered unevenly.

"Call it whatever you want," the redhead replied, "just don't be surprised when it all falls apart, Third Child."  Shinji nodded as she continued towards the front door.  "I'm going for a walk," she announced coolly, "I need to figure some stuff out.  Goodbye, Shinji."

"Hey Asuka…?"

"What is it?"

Shinji straightened.  "I think you're wrong…" he said quietly, "about Misato, I mean.  I think that people can stay together if they work at it – it's not always like in the movies, where you start dating someone you like and it's instant happiness… but I think it can last if you let it, or I guess, if you work at it."  He smiled faintly.  "It's like us," he said, amused at the comparison, "even though… you might hate me, you're willing to work at it to make the best of it.  Relationships are like that – even love affairs."

Asuka pondered this for a minute as she slipped into her shoes.  "You… might be right," she admitted quietly, putting one hand on the door, "and you know what?  I almost hope that you are… but deep down…?"  She shook her head and slid the door open.

Shinji waited for her to finish her thought… but when she stepped out without another word, he realized that her slow head shake had been the last word on the subject.  "But we have to keep trying," he whispered to the empty room, "or why bother even starting relationships at all?"

With a sigh, he realized that there were no answers forthcoming.  Quietly, he headed into the living room and sat on the couch, smiling as he thought, Misato will be home soon… and we're still together – so we must be doing something right.

He closed his eyes, still thinking of his girlfriend as he drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

**

"Shinji… hey, Shinji – wake up."

The Third Child yawned, sitting up on the couch and giving her a sleepy smile as he rubbed his eyes.  "Oh, hey Misato – what's up?"

"Well, for one thing," the woman said, "where's Asuka?  Is she in her room?  I need to talk to you."

Shinji blinked.  "Asuka?" he repeated, blushing as he recalled the conversation he had with the girl, "No, she's not here, she went for a walk."

"Ok," Misato sighed.  "I need to talk to you about something," she said slowly, lacing her hands together in front of her to keep from fidgeting.  "It's important."

"S-sure," Shinji stammered, concerned by the serious tone of the woman's voice.  "What is it?"

Misato bit her bottom lip.  Just do it, she thought firmly, like taking a bandaid off – if you do it too slow, it'll hurt more.

"I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Shinji jerked to his feet, Asuka's warning slamming home in his mind.  "N-no…" he gasped.

"I've given it a lot of thought," Misato continued, trying to keep her voice level, "and I think… it's getting a little too intense between us, Shinji.  So, I think we need some space…"  She managed a smile, "I'm not saying we won't try again when things cool off, but right now it's just-"

"No," Shinji repeated, his mind kicking into overdrive, "we can… slow down – I won't push anymore, just… please… don't?"

"I'm sorry," Misato whispered, "Shinji, I'm so sorry…"

Shinji simply stared at the floor, his eyes wide and unseeing.

"Please look at me," Misato entreated, "please understand – I don't want it to be like this, but-"

"Then why?" Shinji blurted, his hands clenching at his sides.  "Why can't we just be together??"

Misato sighed.  "It's not… proper," she murmured, "things are so intense right now… and you're so much younger than me."

"Why does that matter?" the boy asked unevenly, "We were… we were doing so well… I thought."

"Shinji," the woman murmured gently, "you're a great guy, and any girl would be lucky to-"

"Don't!" Shinji cut in sharply.  "Don't tell me that it's just you… or that you need space… or that I'm a great guy, but we just don't work out together…" he shook his head, wiping his eyes with quick, jerky movements.  "Don't… lie to me, please!  Just tell me why…"

Misato's shoulders slumped.  "I… I can't," she whispered.  "Shinji, you have to understa-"

"I don't!"

She flinched as the boy screamed.  "Sh-Shinji, I-"

"Don't touch me!" he cried, stumbling back as she reached out to him.  "Just… just don't touch me!"  He stood with his back to the wall, panting in short, ragged breaths.  "I don't understand," he managed, still wiping at his eyes, "I don't, Misato!  I thought… I thought we were doing ok!  I thought we were having fun, and being close, and getting to know each other, and everything else that couples do."  He took a deep breath, trying to get hold of himself.  "I thought…" he whispered thickly, "that we were happy…"

"Shinji," Misato said unevenly, "I'm afraid… I'm afraid that if we stay together too long, and we keep… having sex – things are going to fall apart."  She steeled herself, squaring her shoulders and looking him in the eyes.  "It's happened too me too many times," she said defiantly, "things start out ok, get intense – then everything goes to Hell and I end up hurt."

"Oh," Shinji nodded, smiling bitterly, "I see now… this," he gestured between them, ignoring the tears now spilling freely down his face, "was just a little game to see how long you could keep things from going too far – to see if you could just fuck me for a while without feeling anything."  Misato flinched at the curse, completely unprepared to hear it from the boy… but Shinji was far from done.  "So," he said, straightening his back and clenching his fists at his sides, "to put it at plainly as possible – you thought, since I was nice, that you could keep me at arms length when we were going out, right?  That I'd be happy with kissing and sex, but that you could always pull back if it looked like I was getting too serious, and if you ever got too serious… you could always just end it, well guess what?"

Misato swallowed the lump in her throat.  "What?" she whispered brokenly.

Shinji crossed the room in three quick strides, looking up into her face with a mixture of pity and pain.  "I was part of it too, Misato," he told her hoarsely, "if you had told me, on that first date, that you were afraid getting too close would mess things up… I would have understood.  I would never have asked for more than you gave me, Misato, because what you gave was more than I'd ever had."  He took a step back, wiping his eyes a final time as he turned away from her.  "I would have been happy just holding your hand, Misato…" he said sadly, "that's all I ever wanted."

"Wait!" she called as he started for the door, "Where… where are you going?"

Shinji shrugged.  "I don't know," he admitted, "probably go to Touji's for a couple days until I can work something else out… don't really know…"

"Shinji," Misato said hesitantly, "just because… this didn't work out – that doesn't mean you have to leave."  She stood with her hands clenched in front of her as the boy considered this.  He wouldn't have been happy just holding hands, she told herself as she waited for his reply, he's just saying that – he's too young to know-

"If you believe that," Shinji whispered, shaking his head slowly, "then you don't know me at all, Misato…"

"Don't go!" Shinji did not turn as the operations director cried out. "Shinji, please – don't leave like this, just… just stay here and we can work something out, please."

Shinji slipped his shoes on, still looking away as he replied dully, "What's there to work out, Misato?  I can't be what you want me to be, and I guess… you can't be what you want to be, so what good would it have to keep me here?"

"I could… try again," Misato said uncertainly, "I'd be willing to-"

"See?" Shinji cut in softly, finally turning to face her as the front door slid open, "It's always you, Misato… never we, or us."  He sighed, wondering why he was no longer angry… wishing he could be angry so that he would not have to feel so hollow.  "In your mind… it was never 'us.'"

"Don't leave me alone…" Misato whispered, suddenly terrified as the boy stepped through the door.  "Please… I – we – can try again, Shinji… please?"

She waited tensely as Shinji stood in silence, his head bowed and one hand on the doorframe.  A small sob escaped her as he whispered, "I think it would be easier if I come back for my stuff when you're on duty, Misato… I'll see you at NERV, I guess."

She opened her mouth to call out to him again, but before she could speak… the door slid shut, leaving her in silence.

To be concluded…

Author's Notes:  Can you bring back what has flown?  Can you mend what has been shattered?  Can you change who you are, if you know that it may save a life?  …can you unbreak a heart?

Find out in the final chapter of Lifespan of a Love Affair:  Crying Aloud

LeperMessiah pre-read, and that's good because otherwise… no one would really know why Misato broke up with Shinji… so thanks.

Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com