Disclaimer: I'm writing these in my sleep now. Instead, I could be having
a really nice dream . . . or two, or three . . . but *no*! I'm faced with
the harsh reality that I really do not own them. Argh!
Muccamukk: Well, no worries, the Sue's back and as awful as ever! And I think this is probably the soonest I've ever updated before. Whoohoo!
Europa: I'm sorry I didn't include a thank-you with the last chapter, I forgot to include the latest ones, so here's a thank you times two! I'm pleased that I keep you and your sister entertained, and thanks for reviewing! And I'm glad I'm back and posting. Sometimes a little vacation frees the brain up.
GreyLadyBast: Yes I'm back! And I missed you a ton! I'm so disappointed I can't access and read your works anymore, but I hear you've enrolled at OFUM. Same here, except I've applied for a staff position, so I think the jury's still out on that one. I'm very, very happy that you're still with me. Thanks.
Zurizip: Hey and welcome! I liked each one of your reviews, and I'm going to try to respond to them all at once! Hee hee. Actually, I'm the author of Katie's story, as she has dictated it to me. Entertaining, ne? Never ever will it be a Legolas romance. I am a protector! LOL, go read "One Moment, Untainted" and "The Haven" for more information. *Hint hint nudge nudge* yourself! That's actually quite an interesting paradox about her getting a bad review. I might have to think on that one . . . And I *am* joyful I'm a favorite of yours! You've made my day!
Avelera: Yes, I've worked to create a balance between humor and seriousness, and I'm very pleased that you enjoy my efforts! Don't worry, I hope this quickie update will make you happy, and I'm happy that I'm on your favorites list! Pleasure to have you reading!
Goddess Isis: Thanks for being so patient with me. Glad you like my odd brand of humor, so here's the next chapter!
Firebird: Yay! My inspiration is still here! No matter how many times I've already said it, I'll say it again: Thanks be to you for your "Short" story! I wouldn't have 122 reviews without you.
Mizalaye: Well, this is really no surprise to you that I updated this quick, since you're the one I asked to put it up for me! Katie's alter ego is one of those logical, rational, kind of omniscient voices that always makes sense but you hardly ever listen to. I tuned mine out a *long* time ago . . . Yes, the line about Gimli was my favorite one too. And the Sue has come back! Mwahahahaha . . .
Tasare: Hullo, I don't believe I've had the pleasure of leaving you a thank-you before! I'm glad that you'll be with me to the end, and I hope the ending lives up to your expectations (whatever that climactic conclusion will be)!
Laura: Yup, I know it took me a *long long long* time, but for a good reason! You have this chapter about fifteen times faster than the last one! Hmm . . . must find new host body . . . LOL. Enjoy it!
Starbrat: Ugly and then even uglier! Nice to hear from you!
Earendil: Pleased you liked. Have fun with this one!
Architeuthis: Wow. You're the one that does the Intelligence Briefs for the P.P.C! I'm so very honored that you're reading this! A thousand times thanks for your review! I hope you'll keep reading, and that my future chapters will meet expectations.
Star Queen: Hey, nice to see you back! How're your own fics coming? Got any you'd care to email me since I can't access FF.net? (KSHER075@students.bju.edu) Oooh, there's another good idea I'll have to consider . . . I'm still debating how to end this, and that's an interesting suggestion. Must go ponder whilst you read!
NightShade: I try to keep my readers guessing! Read on, dear friend!
Stage-Rose: No, not lost, but a bit misdirected. Most of my energy and creativity gets poured into my schoolwork. But I've got encouragers here who want me to get this done! So rest assured that I will complete this story!
Rabia: Yay! Another dear fan that I love hearing from! Glad you like my characterization of Meriweather, and I'm glad you're back for more!
Hathor: Welcome to the wonderful world of fanfiction. If you are looking for *good* Lord of the Rings fics, I suggest that you try Thundera Tiger, Cassia, and Camilla Sandman. I'm honored to be on your favorites list, and thanks for your review!
Jester: Oh, you poor poor child! I'm sorry I kept you waiting for so long! Have a cookie courtesy of Violet to make you feel better. And this chapter to read while you eat it!
Marsha: I'm very very happy that you liked my short fic, and this series too! Just so you know, "One Moment, Untainted" has a sequel, "The Haven". It's quite a bit longer, but everyone tells me that it's worth the read. Thanks for your review!
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for . . .
The dedication! (What? You mean you wanted the chapter? Oops.)
This chapter is granted to GreyLadyBast, for her wonderful critiquing, her helpful comments, her love of Sivaoans, and her great attitude. Thanks GreyLady!
TRAPPED AS A MARY SUE
Chapter Twelve
Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.
I'm trapped again, aren't I?
Umm . . .
The aches and pains she felt all over her body seemed to confirm her state. She'd been yanked forcibly back into the author's canon again. Mustering every ounce of strength she had left, though it was not much, Katie tuned herself in to whatever Meriweather was now up to.
"Where are we?" For some reason, all she could see was a blank stone wall. What on Middle Earth was the Sue doing?
"I see it: iseeldin. Doesn't it mirror only starlight?" Her very voice grated against Katie's ears.
"And moonlight," Gandalf added, seemingly amazed at Meriweather's knowledge. Oddly, he didn't ask how someone not from Middle Earth knew anything about Dwarf doors.
"So now we're all-knowing too!" Katie made a sound like a rhinoceros with a cold getting ready to charge. "Just you wait, you . . . you . . ."
Deranged orc-spawned pile of useless body parts?
That'll do, Voice. That'll do.
Gandalf, meanwhile, was muttering to himself. However, they were not actually words, merely random sounds.
"The greatest wizard of the Istari, older even than the race of mortal men, reduced to that. How can you? How *dare* you?!" Katie could hear Meriweather's mocking laughter echo through her mind. To describe the poor girl's fury would have been easier than trying to have a cup of tea with a Balrog.
"It reads: The walls of Durin, lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter." Gandalf had his tongue back.
"What do you suppose that means?" Frodo asked, blue eyes wide.
"That's Merry's li-"
Meriweather rapidly overrode Katie's protests. "I know! It's a riddle. How would you say 'friend' in Elvish?"
Gandalf's expression brightened. "Melon."
If there was any way to get angrier, it hadn't been discovered yet. Katie could feel a vein popping out on her forehead. "Wait until we meet again, Meri-Sue. I don't care *how* many times you stab me! You're dead meat!"
Meanwhile, the doors had ground apart and the Fellowship was gathering its things together. Meriweather was puttering around, doing absolutely nothing. Then she picked up a rock and threw it into the pond.
Does she have *any* idea what she's doing?
She's probably going for a kraken-attack-so-Aragorn-can-rescue-and-comfort- her scene.
The mental scream of agony was enough to muddle the Sue's twisted brain patterns, but that didn't change what happened. A hundred tentacles leaped out of the water, spraying water everywhere but somehow all of it managed to evade Meriweather, who stood perfectly still, the epitome of bravery and courage.
"Aragorn, protect the hobbits!" she cried boldly, drawing no less then three arrows and stringing them to her bow, letting fly with accuracy that shamed even Legolas. The creature thrashed and turned its attention towards her. One writhing arm snatched the bow from her hand, another grabbed her about the middle.
Meriweather screamed, and Katie did it right along with her, though it was for two different reasons. The Mary Sue was doing the obligatory come-and- save-me girlie scream; Katie was being squeezed in half. She could feel her ribs protesting under the strain, and her breath hitched, getting short. Just when she thought she'd either become a size 2 or she'd surely be crushed, the tentacle loosened and she tumbled through the air.
Powerful arms caught Meriweather/Katie effortlessly, but they belonged to Boromir and not Aragorn. "Are you alright, mylady?" he asked seriously, not even concerned in the least about the angry beast behind him.
"Okay, first, 'alright' technically is not a word, and 'mylady' *definitely* isn't! Second, *run*!" Katie had recovered enough to regain her bad attitude, and now feared for the man of Gondor's life. Her body ached, and she was still gasping for breath, but she was alive.
"I am fine, Boromir. Quickly, into the mines before the monster returns." Meriweather's voice was light and utterly devoid of any pain.
"Oh *now* you say something . . ." Katie griped, trying to see if there was any way she could put up enough of a fight to get Boromir to drop her. The situation was *very* uncomfortable. Emotionally and otherwise.
Bet he won't be so eager to guard you when you get back to the *real* Middle Earth.
Ya think?
There was no further discussion as the enraged kraken drove the Fellowship plus one into Moria, ripping the doors apart and causing numerous rocks to cascade down and bury the entrance. Pitch blackness surrounded everything, and Katie had a momentary panic attack as she thought of what Boromir might do with Meriweather with the lights out.
Thankfully, Gandalf got his staff working before anything could transpire. Meriweather was carefully lowered to her feet, and she dusted herself off, even as Sam handed her the bow he had managed to retrieve, though a typical monster would likely have smashed it on sight. She took her weapon with a cheerful "Thank you," before asking where their path lead.
Katie meanwhile, was trying to maintain a straight posture that did not aggravate the bruising she was sure she had taken to the ribs, though Meriweather's flawless body would never betray such a thing.
Gimli boasted about the famed hospitality of the Dwarves, Legolas close by his side. Oddly, not one word had been said about Moria being a tomb, and the amount of dusty carnage had been reduced to perhaps one skeleton every thirty feet. "Looks like somebody's a little squeamish," Katie remarked dryly.
Not to mention that she's *totally* screwed up the entire order of things. What happened to the whole part about Frodo and the slimy lake monster? Nooo, it's all 'me me me, look at me! Forget the Ringbearer!'. Honestly . . .
Or Boromir's 'It's a tomb' line. Or even Legolas's stunning archery skills when he hit the thing in the eye!
We need to think of some kind of ultimate revenge.
Soon, the empty cavern where Meriweather's brain was supposed to reside echoed with a fully-dueted version of 'I Know a Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves." The Sue even began to hum it unconsciously, though none of the out-of-canon characters paid her any attention anyway.
Onward they traveled through Moria, facing the long dark as Gandalf, were he in character, would have said. As it was, he warned them all against "badder things than orcs" and told them to be quiet. Katie chose to ignore the author and increase her volume level.
When they came upon the three-way pause, Katie was looking forward to a quick rest, and looked about for a comfortable boulder. Her chest ached with every movement, but she did not have the choice of where to sit. Meriweather plopped herself down right next to Aragorn and Boromir, starting up a lively conversation, even though Gandalf was quite obviously trying to think. Legolas frowned at her and moved to stand near Sam instead of his post by Aragorn.
At least they left your favorite alone. He gets enough as it is from other and worse authors.
True, but I wish he did not hate me. You're lucky that Haldir only has a bit part in this whole thing.
Would you rather that Legolas love you? And you leave my hotter elf out of this.
Touchy! No, I would never want to subject Legolas to myself. I went down that path once already and quickly turned around to erase my tracks. The poor elf can do without me.
At least people like Key and GreyLadyBast give the characters the proper respect.
Yep. Oh. Is not.
Is not what?
Haldir is not hotter than Legolas, sorry to burst your bubble.
I'm not getting into this with you *again*.
You're right, because you'd lose.
Whatever.
"Ah, it's this way!" Gandlaf's cry-
"Aiiee! My ears, my poor virgin ears!"
Hon, your ears were de-virginized waaaaay back in Chapter One.
-startled everyone, and they quickly got to their feet. Aragorn solicitously assisted Meriweather with her pack, but the Sue's movements in doing so caused an anguished cry of pain to escape Katie.
I really hope you haven't broken anything.
Owie, ow ow . . . me too . . .
Hey, at least we'll get to see Dwarrowdelf.
Suddenly the earth began to shake. There were mutual mental statements of, Uh oh.
It is coming.
The earthquake intensified, and the next thing Katie knew, she was standing in line with Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir, bow drawn and a menacing look fixed upon her features.
Ohhhh, here we go . . .
Already there were sounds of orcs ripping and hacking at the barred door.
This should be *fun*. The sarcasm couldn't get any thicker.
Yeah. Riiight.
[Aren't you all very lucky that I got two chapters done so soon? Glad to see that you all are still with me; all the reviews you give mean A LOT! I couldn't stop laughing and my roommates thought I was insane. Well, y'know, *more* insane. I meant to keep going, but the next part is sure to be involved, so I figured why not give y'all a little bit more? ]
Muccamukk: Well, no worries, the Sue's back and as awful as ever! And I think this is probably the soonest I've ever updated before. Whoohoo!
Europa: I'm sorry I didn't include a thank-you with the last chapter, I forgot to include the latest ones, so here's a thank you times two! I'm pleased that I keep you and your sister entertained, and thanks for reviewing! And I'm glad I'm back and posting. Sometimes a little vacation frees the brain up.
GreyLadyBast: Yes I'm back! And I missed you a ton! I'm so disappointed I can't access and read your works anymore, but I hear you've enrolled at OFUM. Same here, except I've applied for a staff position, so I think the jury's still out on that one. I'm very, very happy that you're still with me. Thanks.
Zurizip: Hey and welcome! I liked each one of your reviews, and I'm going to try to respond to them all at once! Hee hee. Actually, I'm the author of Katie's story, as she has dictated it to me. Entertaining, ne? Never ever will it be a Legolas romance. I am a protector! LOL, go read "One Moment, Untainted" and "The Haven" for more information. *Hint hint nudge nudge* yourself! That's actually quite an interesting paradox about her getting a bad review. I might have to think on that one . . . And I *am* joyful I'm a favorite of yours! You've made my day!
Avelera: Yes, I've worked to create a balance between humor and seriousness, and I'm very pleased that you enjoy my efforts! Don't worry, I hope this quickie update will make you happy, and I'm happy that I'm on your favorites list! Pleasure to have you reading!
Goddess Isis: Thanks for being so patient with me. Glad you like my odd brand of humor, so here's the next chapter!
Firebird: Yay! My inspiration is still here! No matter how many times I've already said it, I'll say it again: Thanks be to you for your "Short" story! I wouldn't have 122 reviews without you.
Mizalaye: Well, this is really no surprise to you that I updated this quick, since you're the one I asked to put it up for me! Katie's alter ego is one of those logical, rational, kind of omniscient voices that always makes sense but you hardly ever listen to. I tuned mine out a *long* time ago . . . Yes, the line about Gimli was my favorite one too. And the Sue has come back! Mwahahahaha . . .
Tasare: Hullo, I don't believe I've had the pleasure of leaving you a thank-you before! I'm glad that you'll be with me to the end, and I hope the ending lives up to your expectations (whatever that climactic conclusion will be)!
Laura: Yup, I know it took me a *long long long* time, but for a good reason! You have this chapter about fifteen times faster than the last one! Hmm . . . must find new host body . . . LOL. Enjoy it!
Starbrat: Ugly and then even uglier! Nice to hear from you!
Earendil: Pleased you liked. Have fun with this one!
Architeuthis: Wow. You're the one that does the Intelligence Briefs for the P.P.C! I'm so very honored that you're reading this! A thousand times thanks for your review! I hope you'll keep reading, and that my future chapters will meet expectations.
Star Queen: Hey, nice to see you back! How're your own fics coming? Got any you'd care to email me since I can't access FF.net? (KSHER075@students.bju.edu) Oooh, there's another good idea I'll have to consider . . . I'm still debating how to end this, and that's an interesting suggestion. Must go ponder whilst you read!
NightShade: I try to keep my readers guessing! Read on, dear friend!
Stage-Rose: No, not lost, but a bit misdirected. Most of my energy and creativity gets poured into my schoolwork. But I've got encouragers here who want me to get this done! So rest assured that I will complete this story!
Rabia: Yay! Another dear fan that I love hearing from! Glad you like my characterization of Meriweather, and I'm glad you're back for more!
Hathor: Welcome to the wonderful world of fanfiction. If you are looking for *good* Lord of the Rings fics, I suggest that you try Thundera Tiger, Cassia, and Camilla Sandman. I'm honored to be on your favorites list, and thanks for your review!
Jester: Oh, you poor poor child! I'm sorry I kept you waiting for so long! Have a cookie courtesy of Violet to make you feel better. And this chapter to read while you eat it!
Marsha: I'm very very happy that you liked my short fic, and this series too! Just so you know, "One Moment, Untainted" has a sequel, "The Haven". It's quite a bit longer, but everyone tells me that it's worth the read. Thanks for your review!
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for . . .
The dedication! (What? You mean you wanted the chapter? Oops.)
This chapter is granted to GreyLadyBast, for her wonderful critiquing, her helpful comments, her love of Sivaoans, and her great attitude. Thanks GreyLady!
TRAPPED AS A MARY SUE
Chapter Twelve
Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.
I'm trapped again, aren't I?
Umm . . .
The aches and pains she felt all over her body seemed to confirm her state. She'd been yanked forcibly back into the author's canon again. Mustering every ounce of strength she had left, though it was not much, Katie tuned herself in to whatever Meriweather was now up to.
"Where are we?" For some reason, all she could see was a blank stone wall. What on Middle Earth was the Sue doing?
"I see it: iseeldin. Doesn't it mirror only starlight?" Her very voice grated against Katie's ears.
"And moonlight," Gandalf added, seemingly amazed at Meriweather's knowledge. Oddly, he didn't ask how someone not from Middle Earth knew anything about Dwarf doors.
"So now we're all-knowing too!" Katie made a sound like a rhinoceros with a cold getting ready to charge. "Just you wait, you . . . you . . ."
Deranged orc-spawned pile of useless body parts?
That'll do, Voice. That'll do.
Gandalf, meanwhile, was muttering to himself. However, they were not actually words, merely random sounds.
"The greatest wizard of the Istari, older even than the race of mortal men, reduced to that. How can you? How *dare* you?!" Katie could hear Meriweather's mocking laughter echo through her mind. To describe the poor girl's fury would have been easier than trying to have a cup of tea with a Balrog.
"It reads: The walls of Durin, lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter." Gandalf had his tongue back.
"What do you suppose that means?" Frodo asked, blue eyes wide.
"That's Merry's li-"
Meriweather rapidly overrode Katie's protests. "I know! It's a riddle. How would you say 'friend' in Elvish?"
Gandalf's expression brightened. "Melon."
If there was any way to get angrier, it hadn't been discovered yet. Katie could feel a vein popping out on her forehead. "Wait until we meet again, Meri-Sue. I don't care *how* many times you stab me! You're dead meat!"
Meanwhile, the doors had ground apart and the Fellowship was gathering its things together. Meriweather was puttering around, doing absolutely nothing. Then she picked up a rock and threw it into the pond.
Does she have *any* idea what she's doing?
She's probably going for a kraken-attack-so-Aragorn-can-rescue-and-comfort- her scene.
The mental scream of agony was enough to muddle the Sue's twisted brain patterns, but that didn't change what happened. A hundred tentacles leaped out of the water, spraying water everywhere but somehow all of it managed to evade Meriweather, who stood perfectly still, the epitome of bravery and courage.
"Aragorn, protect the hobbits!" she cried boldly, drawing no less then three arrows and stringing them to her bow, letting fly with accuracy that shamed even Legolas. The creature thrashed and turned its attention towards her. One writhing arm snatched the bow from her hand, another grabbed her about the middle.
Meriweather screamed, and Katie did it right along with her, though it was for two different reasons. The Mary Sue was doing the obligatory come-and- save-me girlie scream; Katie was being squeezed in half. She could feel her ribs protesting under the strain, and her breath hitched, getting short. Just when she thought she'd either become a size 2 or she'd surely be crushed, the tentacle loosened and she tumbled through the air.
Powerful arms caught Meriweather/Katie effortlessly, but they belonged to Boromir and not Aragorn. "Are you alright, mylady?" he asked seriously, not even concerned in the least about the angry beast behind him.
"Okay, first, 'alright' technically is not a word, and 'mylady' *definitely* isn't! Second, *run*!" Katie had recovered enough to regain her bad attitude, and now feared for the man of Gondor's life. Her body ached, and she was still gasping for breath, but she was alive.
"I am fine, Boromir. Quickly, into the mines before the monster returns." Meriweather's voice was light and utterly devoid of any pain.
"Oh *now* you say something . . ." Katie griped, trying to see if there was any way she could put up enough of a fight to get Boromir to drop her. The situation was *very* uncomfortable. Emotionally and otherwise.
Bet he won't be so eager to guard you when you get back to the *real* Middle Earth.
Ya think?
There was no further discussion as the enraged kraken drove the Fellowship plus one into Moria, ripping the doors apart and causing numerous rocks to cascade down and bury the entrance. Pitch blackness surrounded everything, and Katie had a momentary panic attack as she thought of what Boromir might do with Meriweather with the lights out.
Thankfully, Gandalf got his staff working before anything could transpire. Meriweather was carefully lowered to her feet, and she dusted herself off, even as Sam handed her the bow he had managed to retrieve, though a typical monster would likely have smashed it on sight. She took her weapon with a cheerful "Thank you," before asking where their path lead.
Katie meanwhile, was trying to maintain a straight posture that did not aggravate the bruising she was sure she had taken to the ribs, though Meriweather's flawless body would never betray such a thing.
Gimli boasted about the famed hospitality of the Dwarves, Legolas close by his side. Oddly, not one word had been said about Moria being a tomb, and the amount of dusty carnage had been reduced to perhaps one skeleton every thirty feet. "Looks like somebody's a little squeamish," Katie remarked dryly.
Not to mention that she's *totally* screwed up the entire order of things. What happened to the whole part about Frodo and the slimy lake monster? Nooo, it's all 'me me me, look at me! Forget the Ringbearer!'. Honestly . . .
Or Boromir's 'It's a tomb' line. Or even Legolas's stunning archery skills when he hit the thing in the eye!
We need to think of some kind of ultimate revenge.
Soon, the empty cavern where Meriweather's brain was supposed to reside echoed with a fully-dueted version of 'I Know a Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves." The Sue even began to hum it unconsciously, though none of the out-of-canon characters paid her any attention anyway.
Onward they traveled through Moria, facing the long dark as Gandalf, were he in character, would have said. As it was, he warned them all against "badder things than orcs" and told them to be quiet. Katie chose to ignore the author and increase her volume level.
When they came upon the three-way pause, Katie was looking forward to a quick rest, and looked about for a comfortable boulder. Her chest ached with every movement, but she did not have the choice of where to sit. Meriweather plopped herself down right next to Aragorn and Boromir, starting up a lively conversation, even though Gandalf was quite obviously trying to think. Legolas frowned at her and moved to stand near Sam instead of his post by Aragorn.
At least they left your favorite alone. He gets enough as it is from other and worse authors.
True, but I wish he did not hate me. You're lucky that Haldir only has a bit part in this whole thing.
Would you rather that Legolas love you? And you leave my hotter elf out of this.
Touchy! No, I would never want to subject Legolas to myself. I went down that path once already and quickly turned around to erase my tracks. The poor elf can do without me.
At least people like Key and GreyLadyBast give the characters the proper respect.
Yep. Oh. Is not.
Is not what?
Haldir is not hotter than Legolas, sorry to burst your bubble.
I'm not getting into this with you *again*.
You're right, because you'd lose.
Whatever.
"Ah, it's this way!" Gandlaf's cry-
"Aiiee! My ears, my poor virgin ears!"
Hon, your ears were de-virginized waaaaay back in Chapter One.
-startled everyone, and they quickly got to their feet. Aragorn solicitously assisted Meriweather with her pack, but the Sue's movements in doing so caused an anguished cry of pain to escape Katie.
I really hope you haven't broken anything.
Owie, ow ow . . . me too . . .
Hey, at least we'll get to see Dwarrowdelf.
Suddenly the earth began to shake. There were mutual mental statements of, Uh oh.
It is coming.
The earthquake intensified, and the next thing Katie knew, she was standing in line with Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir, bow drawn and a menacing look fixed upon her features.
Ohhhh, here we go . . .
Already there were sounds of orcs ripping and hacking at the barred door.
This should be *fun*. The sarcasm couldn't get any thicker.
Yeah. Riiight.
[Aren't you all very lucky that I got two chapters done so soon? Glad to see that you all are still with me; all the reviews you give mean A LOT! I couldn't stop laughing and my roommates thought I was insane. Well, y'know, *more* insane. I meant to keep going, but the next part is sure to be involved, so I figured why not give y'all a little bit more? ]
